Serious/heavy/deep/real stuff
Replies
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This is tough. Im in the same boat for different reasons. But here is what seems a harsh thought, but something i heard a while ago. The question you ask is, do you want to change whats needed in yourself to achieve your goals? If you say yes, than you are lying to yourself. The thought is, you have what you are willing to work and sacrifice for. If you dont have something you think you want, its because the consequences of whats needed to get there are greater to you than what you want. Its a brutal look into ones soul sometimes.
I am now 50 years old with no children, and i would have loved to have a family. I am financially secure and have all the means to raise a child......except i have not been able to get over my shortcomings of being lousy at relationships. I found out it seems too late that hard truth that I was in control of this the whole time, and decided to concentrate on other things instead of trying to address my issues. Dont wait until you are 50 to find out what could have been. Try taking steps now to get what you ultimately want. You have lots of time, but it goes by fast if you are not careful.
For what it's worth... I get this. The feeling of sadness that things aren't the way you wanted them to be, and feeling like time may have run out, or is aggressively running out, on you.
Telling you it'll be ok and all will turn out in the end is little comfort, especially if it doesn't feel believable. Noone really knows what the future holds, so it's probably better to look actively into your present and be sure that you are living the life you need to live in order to help you best succeed at attaining the future you want.
I think that your warning to others to deal with your own personal crap is a very important one... but sadly one that few people will recognize applies to them.
I'm a single mom of two teens. It's so hard most days, and it's not a life that many men would want to jump into. I am coming to terms with the fact that I may very well be alone until they are grown and out of the house.. and by then it's hard to believe I will look or feel as good as I do now. It's hard to believe that if someone doesn't want all of me in this state, that they'll somehow want me five or ten years from now.
But... I have to believe there is a reason why I'm here, in this place, as I am right now. That maybe my plans aren't turning out the way I had hoped, but that there are better plans in store. It kind of helps... sometimes.
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@KickassAmazon76 Ummm, I don't think either one of you would have any problems finding someone out here in the wild, wild west. Location, location, location. You'd have to like rural living but the Big Sky is not the limit for you. They'd be standing in line for youins. All you need is a paycheck and a truck, you'd have to knock 'em off with a stick.4
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@Revolu and @Kickass have either of you ever given any thought to dating sites? Gasp I know there are traumatic stories everywhere about that but there are also success stories. Both my dds met some good people through sites; 1 dd lived with her partner for several years, bought a house, then broke up.
It just wasn't in the cards for them to stay together but he was a nice guy, not some whacked out freak. My other dd has been with her bf for several years and they are such a great match; he's a super nice guy and they just bought a house together.
Anyways, just something to think about. You're both smart individuals so would go into that sort of thing with the deserved caution. But not all people are scary. Open yourselves up to the idea; even if it just means meeting new friends.
You're both so nice and if you want a relationship, you definitely deserve to be happy. There are no guarantees for anyone/anything in this world but part of life is going out there and taking a risk. 
As I slink back into my hermit-like cocoon safe comfort zone. 3 -
@ReenieHJ
I tried online dating last year and it was just... Frustrating and disheartening. A lot of disengenuous people looking for a roll in the hay and willing to say anything to get it.
Now that the kids are here full time, I don't have free days or nights to go out, without them knowing I'm going on a date. They don't want me to get hurt again, so they have anxiety at the thought of me dating. There's no ability to go out because of covid, and I'm just... Tired of the emotional drain of it all.
As lonely as it is sometimes... I feel like maybe I'm better off alone. Focus on my workouts. Focus on my kids.6 -
@Revolu and @Kickass have either of you ever given any thought to dating sites? Gasp I know there are traumatic stories everywhere about that but there are also success stories. Both my dds met some good people through sites; 1 dd lived with her partner for several years, bought a house, then broke up. It just wasn't in the cards for them to stay together but he was a nice guy, not some whacked out freak. My other dd has been with her bf for several years and they are such a great match; he's a super nice guy and they just bought a house together.
Anyways, just something to think about. You're both smart individuals so would go into that sort of thing with the deserved caution. But not all people are scary. Open yourselves up to the idea; even if it just means meeting new friends. You're both so nice and if you want a relationship, you definitely deserve to be happy. There are no guarantees for anyone/anything in this world but part of life is going out there and taking a risk.
As I slink back into my hermit-like cocoon safe comfort zone.
This may come off as conceited, and apologize if it does, but i have no trouble finding women to date. It seems i meet women every where i go. My problem is and always has been me. If i was different mentally im pretty sure i could of had a family. I just never gave it a chance and pretty much sabotaged anything that may have developed into something. Im working on it.....but unless i go out and rob the cradle, i doubt kids are in my futurd.6 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
This is tough. Im in the same boat for different reasons. But here is what seems a harsh thought, but something i heard a while ago. The question you ask is, do you want to change whats needed in yourself to achieve your goals? If you say yes, than you are lying to yourself. The thought is, you have what you are willing to work and sacrifice for. If you dont have something you think you want, its because the consequences of whats needed to get there are greater to you than what you want. Its a brutal look into ones soul sometimes.
I am now 50 years old with no children, and i would have loved to have a family. I am financially secure and have all the means to raise a child......except i have not been able to get over my shortcomings of being lousy at relationships. I found out it seems too late that hard truth that I was in control of this the whole time, and decided to concentrate on other things instead of trying to address my issues. Dont wait until you are 50 to find out what could have been. Try taking steps now to get what you ultimately want. You have lots of time, but it goes by fast if you are not careful.
For what it's worth... I get this. The feeling of sadness that things aren't the way you wanted them to be, and feeling like time may have run out, or is aggressively running out, on you.
Telling you it'll be ok and all will turn out in the end is little comfort, especially if it doesn't feel believable. Noone really knows what the future holds, so it's probably better to look actively into your present and be sure that you are living the life you need to live in order to help you best succeed at attaining the future you want.
I think that your warning to others to deal with your own personal crap is a very important one... but sadly one that few people will recognize applies to them.
I'm a single mom of two teens. It's so hard most days, and it's not a life that many men would want to jump into. I am coming to terms with the fact that I may very well be alone until they are grown and out of the house.. and by then it's hard to believe I will look or feel as good as I do now. It's hard to believe that if someone doesn't want all of me in this state, that they'll somehow want me five or ten years from now.
But... I have to believe there is a reason why I'm here, in this place, as I am right now. That maybe my plans aren't turning out the way I had hoped, but that there are better plans in store. It kind of helps... sometimes.
I empathize with your situation. I wonder if things will work out in my relationship. If not, do I date? The answer for me is...not until my kids are grown and out of the house.
Its different being single with kids, lonely and taking on the world while keeping a smile so people don't see you hurting. Everyday seems to bring new challenges and just when I think I have it down...the wheels fall off!
But I'm determined to not rush my time with my kids. Take vacations and enjoy the time afforded me with them before they fly the coop. Since parenting single I have tapped into a previously unexplored skill called "cooking" all I can say is thank God for cook books!
I'll take it day by day and do the best with what I have. Your not alone in your struggle 😌10 -
Three months ago I agreed with my sister 100% about not overdoing the morphine with her dh. But now, Ohmygod now, I wish she'd see it's highly needed. And every time someone mentions it she gets angry and says he's not in pain. I go help every 3-4 days and in that short span of time not seeing him, I can see a big difference in his features. I know she's equating it to killing him; how on earth do I help her see differently without alienating her?
There's no way of knowing how much this man, who used to weigh 220, weighs now. But I can't think he's much over 75 lbs. It's killing me watching him and watching her watching him die.
Dear God.....14 -
I’m sorry Reenie. This is horrible. I’ve seen it myself.Three months ago I agreed with my sister 100% about not overdoing the morphine with her dh. But now, Ohmygod now, I wish she'd see it's highly needed. And every time someone mentions it she gets angry and says he's not in pain. I go help every 3-4 days and in that short span of time not seeing him, I can see a big difference in his features. I know she's equating it to killing him; how on earth do I help her see differently without alienating her?
There's no way of knowing how much this man, who used to weigh 220, weighs now. But I can't think he's much over 75 lbs. It's killing me watching him and watching her watching him die.
Dear God.....
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twitchandshout wrote: »
I’m sorry Reenie. This is horrible. I’ve seen it myself.Three months ago I agreed with my sister 100% about not overdoing the morphine with her dh. But now, Ohmygod now, I wish she'd see it's highly needed. And every time someone mentions it she gets angry and says he's not in pain. I go help every 3-4 days and in that short span of time not seeing him, I can see a big difference in his features. I know she's equating it to killing him; how on earth do I help her see differently without alienating her?
There's no way of knowing how much this man, who used to weigh 220, weighs now. But I can't think he's much over 75 lbs. It's killing me watching him and watching her watching him die.
Dear God.....
We had a friend also go through this. It's so freaking heart breaking. 😔💔
I hope he finds relief soon and an sending you all the love. ❤️7 -
Three months ago I agreed with my sister 100% about not overdoing the morphine with her dh. But now, Ohmygod now, I wish she'd see it's highly needed. And every time someone mentions it she gets angry and says he's not in pain. I go help every 3-4 days and in that short span of time not seeing him, I can see a big difference in his features. I know she's equating it to killing him; how on earth do I help her see differently without alienating her?
There's no way of knowing how much this man, who used to weigh 220, weighs now. But I can't think he's much over 75 lbs. It's killing me watching him and watching her watching him die.
Dear God.....
Im so sorry Reenie.. big hugs and I hope its all over soon for all your sakes 😔2 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Three months ago I agreed with my sister 100% about not overdoing the morphine with her dh. But now, Ohmygod now, I wish she'd see it's highly needed. And every time someone mentions it she gets angry and says he's not in pain. I go help every 3-4 days and in that short span of time not seeing him, I can see a big difference in his features. I know she's equating it to killing him; how on earth do I help her see differently without alienating her?
There's no way of knowing how much this man, who used to weigh 220, weighs now. But I can't think he's much over 75 lbs. It's killing me watching him and watching her watching him die.
Dear God.....
My heart breaks for everyone involved here.
I can't really say too much since I'm not familiar with all of the circumstances surrounding his health. What I can say is this - morphine scares a lot of people. They fear that they are somehow "speeding up the natural process" which isn't necessarily the case at all. In fact, research suggests that using opioids to treat pain or shortness of breath near the end of life may help a person live a bit longer. Pain and shortness of breath are exhausting, and people nearing the end of life have limited strength and energy. So, it makes sense that treating these symptoms might slow down the rate of decline, if only for a few hours.
She may be afraid, she may be in denial. Just support her the best you can. ❤️
@ReenieHJ
Thank you and to all who replied. I do appreciate it so much.
She's been told for the past 3 months to 'let him go'. Three months ago I agreed with her trying to hold onto him, even though I've never tried to influence her one way or the other. But then he wasn't like he is now and, even though I'd never say 'let him go', it's definitely time and I'm pretty sure he's telling her in his own way now but he also seems to be hanging on with a strong will. I understand where Hospice is coming from but those 3 little words are so much easier said than done.
Ugh, this has definitely been a trip like I've never experienced. I watched both of our parents disintegrate but it was days- weeks, not months.3 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Three months ago I agreed with my sister 100% about not overdoing the morphine with her dh. But now, Ohmygod now, I wish she'd see it's highly needed. And every time someone mentions it she gets angry and says he's not in pain. I go help every 3-4 days and in that short span of time not seeing him, I can see a big difference in his features. I know she's equating it to killing him; how on earth do I help her see differently without alienating her?
There's no way of knowing how much this man, who used to weigh 220, weighs now. But I can't think he's much over 75 lbs. It's killing me watching him and watching her watching him die.
Dear God.....
My heart breaks for everyone involved here.
I can't really say too much since I'm not familiar with all of the circumstances surrounding his health. What I can say is this - morphine scares a lot of people. They fear that they are somehow "speeding up the natural process" which isn't necessarily the case at all. In fact, research suggests that using opioids to treat pain or shortness of breath near the end of life may help a person live a bit longer. Pain and shortness of breath are exhausting, and people nearing the end of life have limited strength and energy. So, it makes sense that treating these symptoms might slow down the rate of decline, if only for a few hours.
She may be afraid, she may be in denial. Just support her the best you can. ❤️
@ReenieHJ
Thank you and to all who replied. I do appreciate it so much.
She's been told for the past 3 months to 'let him go'. Three months ago I agreed with her trying to hold onto him, even though I've never tried to influence her one way or the other. But then he wasn't like he is now and, even though I'd never say 'let him go', it's definitely time and I'm pretty sure he's telling her in his own way now but he also seems to be hanging on with a strong will. I understand where Hospice is coming from but those 3 little words are so much easier said than done.
Ugh, this has definitely been a trip like I've never experienced. I watched both of our parents disintegrate but it was days- weeks, not months.
Oh, that is so hard! Big hugs for all of you.
When my sister was going through similar with her husband she was so torn about what to do. I told her "he's your husband, you know him better than anyone. Ignore what everyone else is pushing for. What would he want you to do?" Thinking of it that way helped her figure it out.
Sometimes it seems people, even if they don't seem aware, are waiting for something. I think in my sister's case, he was waiting for me to get there to take care of her (we live 5 hours apart). She said she kept telling him I was on the way and he died about 5 minutes after I got there.
Your sister is so lucky to have you - you obviously care about her and her husband a lot.5 -
Decided with my counsellor today that maybe therapy for my anxiety would be better for me. I'm not good with medication and I feel the counselling makes me feel worse. Anxiety is taking over at the minute so I'm going to try the therapy and see how it goes.
I can completely relate to this, and I’m sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed by anxiety. All my best, T.2 -
Decided with my counsellor today that maybe therapy for my anxiety would be better for me. I'm not good with medication and I feel the counselling makes me feel worse. Anxiety is taking over at the minute so I'm going to try the therapy and see how it goes.
Therapy has been a life saver for me ❤ 2 months ago I didn't even want to get out of bed, look in the mirror, talk to anyone or go anywhere. I woke up one day and decided enough is enough! Therapy as helped me alot but I've also been doing alot of things to help me feel better. Simple things like, getting ready even if I have nowhere to go 🤣, reorganizing my entire house, disconnecting from social media, spending time doing things that really makes me happy, keeping my mind busy so I don't think so much of how long I'm going to live or what's going to happen. Our minds can play alot of tricks on us. I understand you so much ❤ I know it's not easy. I hope it gets better sweetie xox If you have any questions or need anyone to talk to, im here xox6 -
Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »Decided with my counsellor today that maybe therapy for my anxiety would be better for me. I'm not good with medication and I feel the counselling makes me feel worse. Anxiety is taking over at the minute so I'm going to try the therapy and see how it goes.
Therapy has been a life saver for me ❤ 2 months ago I didn't even want to get out of bed, look in the mirror, talk to anyone or go anywhere. I woke up one day and decided enough is enough! Therapy as helped me alot but I've also been doing alot of things to help me feel better. Simple things like, getting ready even if I have nowhere to go 🤣, reorganizing my entire house, disconnecting from social media, spending time doing things that really makes me happy, keeping my mind busy so I don't think so much of how long I'm going to live or what's going to happen. Our minds can play alot of tricks on us. I understand you so much ❤ I know it's not easy. I hope it gets better sweetie xox If you have any questions or need anyone to talk to, im here xox
Thank you so much ❤️ it's so hard because I hate feeling like this and I can recognise it and I want to change the way the think. One day at a time I guess.
Yes, 1 day at a time and 1 thing at a time ❤ there's alot of people that love you and want the best for you. Hang in there, it gets better I promise.Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Decided with my counsellor today that maybe therapy for my anxiety would be better for me. I'm not good with medication and I feel the counselling makes me feel worse. Anxiety is taking over at the minute so I'm going to try the therapy and see how it goes.
You are not alone, T.
Hang in there! Sometimes finding the right therapist can make all the difference in the world. 💖
Yes! I've had therapy before but it's never made a difference until I found the right one ❤ I clicked with my therapist, I'm so grateful for her. She changed my life in a short amount of time.5 -
For those struggling with anxiety, see if your therapist does hypnosis. I did that with mine - it took a little while, but I felt like it was much more effective than only talk therapy. There may also be an app or 2, but I haven't used them to know if I would recommend.2
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Anxiety is so difficult; what works for one person might not help the next. It's challenging to live your life, find contentment and happiness. But everybody's telling you to find the right therapist and it'll make a huge difference; I couldn't agree more!
My wish for everyone that is dealing with this, find the help you need, don't give up, and know it can get better!!
Please don't ever lock yourself away but reach out until it helps!! 3 -
For those struggling with anxiety, see if your therapist does hypnosis. I did that with mine - it took a little while, but I felt like it was much more effective than only talk therapy. There may also be an app or 2, but I haven't used them to know if I would recommend.
I will mention that to my dd, thanks for sharing!!1 -
Is is okay for me to do a little venting here? If so, and you feel like commenting, I would like to also listen to your input. I will just jump in... a little background, I remarried 5 years ago (we have been together 15 years now). My husband's 26 y/o daughter lives with us most of the time, other times with her mom and step-father. Our households are a complete opposite of each other, ours is a quiet one, we enjoy just winding down of long work days. Her Mom's is volatile, where yelling to communicate is the norm.
Daughter has been through a lot in her 26 years, she is now going to therapy for anxiety. I have a hard time dealing with her, as her moods are so incredibly up & down, and can change on a dime, I have to be very careful what I say and how I talk with her, but yesterday was just too much for me to take. She was on her soapbox, spouting off how "everyone" treats her badly, (I have no idea what triggered this, we were having a good morning, no issues, talking about coffee & donuts).
Then she got on the subject of our new president, and covid... she thinks covid is a hoax, and everyone is making too big a deal about it, and it should just be treated as a common flu. Now I realize that many people feel as she does, maybe some of you, and that is fine, everyone can have their own thoughts and opinions, I just don't want them jammed down my throat as she was trying to do yesterday to her father and I.
I recently lost one of my favorite cousins to covid (no underlying conditions, just covid). I spoke up, to let her know that not everyone feels the way she does, and they maybe should show a little sympathy towards those that have lost loved ones to covid. Her response was that she felt that I was attacking her... I did not raise my voice, I just wanted her to see another side of this... well all H broke loose (we were able to calm her down after a bit). Then she went on to say that he at least had lived a good long life (he was only 65)... I guess in her youth she feels this is long enough?
This was not the first and I expect not the last confrontation like this. I guess what I am looking for are suggestions on how to diffuse this type of situation, and how can I teach her that not every deep conversation or disagreement has to turn into a huge loud argument? I just want to live in a peaceful environment, where I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Sorry this was so long, thank you for listening. 7 -
looneycatblue wrote: »Is is okay for me to do a little venting here? If so, and you feel like commenting, I would like to also listen to your input. I will just jump in... a little background, I remarried 5 years ago (we have been together 15 years now). My husband's 26 y/o daughter lives with us most of the time, other times with her mom and step-father. Our households are a complete opposite of each other, ours is a quiet one, we enjoy just winding down of long work days. Her Mom's is volatile, where yelling to communicate is the norm.
Daughter has been through a lot in her 26 years, she is now going to therapy for anxiety. I have a hard time dealing with her, as her moods are so incredibly up & down, and can change on a dime, I have to be very careful what I say and how I talk with her, but yesterday was just too much for me to take. She was on her soapbox, spouting off how "everyone" treats her badly, (I have no idea what triggered this, we were having a good morning, no issues, talking about coffee & donuts).
Then she got on the subject of our new president, and covid... she thinks covid is a hoax, and everyone is making too big a deal about it, and it should just be treated as a common flu. Now I realize that many people feel as she does, maybe some of you, and that is fine, everyone can have their own thoughts and opinions, I just don't want them jammed down my throat as she was trying to do yesterday to her father and I.
I recently lost one of my favorite cousins to covid (no underlying conditions, just covid). I spoke up, to let her know that not everyone feels the way she does, and they maybe should show a little sympathy towards those that have lost loved ones to covid. Her response was that she felt that I was attacking her... I did not raise my voice, I just wanted her to see another side of this... well all H broke loose (we were able to calm her down after a bit). Then she went on to say that he at least had lived a good long life (he was only 65)... I guess in her youth she feels this is long enough?
This was not the first and I expect not the last confrontation like this. I guess what I am looking for are suggestions on how to diffuse this type of situation, and how can I teach her that not every deep conversation or disagreement has to turn into a huge loud argument? I just want to live in a peaceful environment, where I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Sorry this was so long, thank you for listening.
Aww I feel for you.. 😔 what an awful way to live in your own home.
Does she work? At 26 she's no kid. Maybe she's gotten her own way for too long. It sounds like you were perfectly reasonable to me. I don't have any great advice but I do think she should show a little more respect for the people putting a roof over her head..
Big hugs 🤗6 -
looneycatblue wrote: »Is is okay for me to do a little venting here? If so, and you feel like commenting, I would like to also listen to your input. I will just jump in... a little background, I remarried 5 years ago (we have been together 15 years now). My husband's 26 y/o daughter lives with us most of the time, other times with her mom and step-father. Our households are a complete opposite of each other, ours is a quiet one, we enjoy just winding down of long work days. Her Mom's is volatile, where yelling to communicate is the norm.
Daughter has been through a lot in her 26 years, she is now going to therapy for anxiety. I have a hard time dealing with her, as her moods are so incredibly up & down, and can change on a dime, I have to be very careful what I say and how I talk with her, but yesterday was just too much for me to take. She was on her soapbox, spouting off how "everyone" treats her badly, (I have no idea what triggered this, we were having a good morning, no issues, talking about coffee & donuts).
Then she got on the subject of our new president, and covid... she thinks covid is a hoax, and everyone is making too big a deal about it, and it should just be treated as a common flu. Now I realize that many people feel as she does, maybe some of you, and that is fine, everyone can have their own thoughts and opinions, I just don't want them jammed down my throat as she was trying to do yesterday to her father and I.
I recently lost one of my favorite cousins to covid (no underlying conditions, just covid). I spoke up, to let her know that not everyone feels the way she does, and they maybe should show a little sympathy towards those that have lost loved ones to covid. Her response was that she felt that I was attacking her... I did not raise my voice, I just wanted her to see another side of this... well all H broke loose (we were able to calm her down after a bit). Then she went on to say that he at least had lived a good long life (he was only 65)... I guess in her youth she feels this is long enough?
This was not the first and I expect not the last confrontation like this. I guess what I am looking for are suggestions on how to diffuse this type of situation, and how can I teach her that not every deep conversation or disagreement has to turn into a huge loud argument? I just want to live in a peaceful environment, where I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Sorry this was so long, thank you for listening.
She's 26. She no longer needs coddling from either household. It's destructive to her as well as for both of you.
Furthermore, her anxiety challenges should be managed professionally and boundaries established when she comes to visit your home...from her own home, as we say in French "ailleurs" Twenty and six. Not with that behavior. It's not ok.
Yet, you married into this so chat with DH about it again to see where he's willing to shift on his enabling.6 -
looneycatblue wrote: »Is is okay for me to do a little venting here? If so, and you feel like commenting, I would like to also listen to your input. I will just jump in... a little background, I remarried 5 years ago (we have been together 15 years now). My husband's 26 y/o daughter lives with us most of the time, other times with her mom and step-father. Our households are a complete opposite of each other, ours is a quiet one, we enjoy just winding down of long work days. Her Mom's is volatile, where yelling to communicate is the norm.
Daughter has been through a lot in her 26 years, she is now going to therapy for anxiety. I have a hard time dealing with her, as her moods are so incredibly up & down, and can change on a dime, I have to be very careful what I say and how I talk with her, but yesterday was just too much for me to take. She was on her soapbox, spouting off how "everyone" treats her badly, (I have no idea what triggered this, we were having a good morning, no issues, talking about coffee & donuts).
Then she got on the subject of our new president, and covid... she thinks covid is a hoax, and everyone is making too big a deal about it, and it should just be treated as a common flu. Now I realize that many people feel as she does, maybe some of you, and that is fine, everyone can have their own thoughts and opinions, I just don't want them jammed down my throat as she was trying to do yesterday to her father and I.
I recently lost one of my favorite cousins to covid (no underlying conditions, just covid). I spoke up, to let her know that not everyone feels the way she does, and they maybe should show a little sympathy towards those that have lost loved ones to covid. Her response was that she felt that I was attacking her... I did not raise my voice, I just wanted her to see another side of this... well all H broke loose (we were able to calm her down after a bit). Then she went on to say that he at least had lived a good long life (he was only 65)... I guess in her youth she feels this is long enough?
This was not the first and I expect not the last confrontation like this. I guess what I am looking for are suggestions on how to diffuse this type of situation, and how can I teach her that not every deep conversation or disagreement has to turn into a huge loud argument? I just want to live in a peaceful environment, where I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Sorry this was so long, thank you for listening.
She's 26. She no longer needs coddling from either household. It's destructive to her as well as for both of you.
Furthermore, her anxiety challenges should be managed professionally and boundaries established when she comes to visit your home...from her own home, as we say in French "ailleurs" Twenty and six. Not with that behavior. It's not ok.
Yet, you married into this so chat with DH about it again to see where he's willing to shift on his enabling.
Well said. I was going to respond but wasn't sure how to approach it. Shes definitely old enough to move out and have those boundaries in place that allows you that peace in your own home. Shes not a kid.4 -
Any way you can have a conversation with her therapist or schedule an appt. with your dh as well, to help you support your step-dd? I def. agree she's not a child to be coddled anymore but being parents, most want to do what they can to help and ease struggles. I wonder if there's more than anxiety going on, such as bi-polar? Does anxiety keep her from living a semi-normal life? Can she work, go out in public, hang out with friends, is she on meds.,? Not really knowing her personality and all she's been through it's a hard call to make. Join with your dh in a united front, affirm your love for her, explain she needs to 'grow up'(ok, probably not those words
) and all of you come up with a plan together. Maybe she could write down all the $H!T she feels and unleash her anger that way?
We all go through 'stuff' but still need to show kindness and respect to one another. It sounds like she has a ways to go before maturity sets in. The comment she made to you about your cousin living a long life was out of line and came from ignorance. Maybe she ought to take a walk through on a Covid floor.
Enabling....it's such a hard thing to avoid when it's your children but it can be crippling for them when they are older. Not saying that's happened but I've seen the after effects too many times. It creates selfish thoughtless adults who believe the world revolves around them.
I wish you peace and comfort in your heart and in your own home. 6 -
looneycatblue wrote: »Is is okay for me to do a little venting here? If so, and you feel like commenting, I would like to also listen to your input. I will just jump in... a little background, I remarried 5 years ago (we have been together 15 years now). My husband's 26 y/o daughter lives with us most of the time, other times with her mom and step-father. Our households are a complete opposite of each other, ours is a quiet one, we enjoy just winding down of long work days. Her Mom's is volatile, where yelling to communicate is the norm.
Daughter has been through a lot in her 26 years, she is now going to therapy for anxiety. I have a hard time dealing with her, as her moods are so incredibly up & down, and can change on a dime, I have to be very careful what I say and how I talk with her, but yesterday was just too much for me to take. She was on her soapbox, spouting off how "everyone" treats her badly, (I have no idea what triggered this, we were having a good morning, no issues, talking about coffee & donuts).
Then she got on the subject of our new president, and covid... she thinks covid is a hoax, and everyone is making too big a deal about it, and it should just be treated as a common flu. Now I realize that many people feel as she does, maybe some of you, and that is fine, everyone can have their own thoughts and opinions, I just don't want them jammed down my throat as she was trying to do yesterday to her father and I.
I recently lost one of my favorite cousins to covid (no underlying conditions, just covid). I spoke up, to let her know that not everyone feels the way she does, and they maybe should show a little sympathy towards those that have lost loved ones to covid. Her response was that she felt that I was attacking her... I did not raise my voice, I just wanted her to see another side of this... well all H broke loose (we were able to calm her down after a bit). Then she went on to say that he at least had lived a good long life (he was only 65)... I guess in her youth she feels this is long enough?
This was not the first and I expect not the last confrontation like this. I guess what I am looking for are suggestions on how to diffuse this type of situation, and how can I teach her that not every deep conversation or disagreement has to turn into a huge loud argument? I just want to live in a peaceful environment, where I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Sorry this was so long, thank you for listening.
She's 26, an adult and should be living on her own. She can have her own opinions in her own house. My best advice, she needs to move out.6 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »looneycatblue wrote: »Is is okay for me to do a little venting here? If so, and you feel like commenting, I would like to also listen to your input. I will just jump in... a little background, I remarried 5 years ago (we have been together 15 years now). My husband's 26 y/o daughter lives with us most of the time, other times with her mom and step-father. Our households are a complete opposite of each other, ours is a quiet one, we enjoy just winding down of long work days. Her Mom's is volatile, where yelling to communicate is the norm.
Daughter has been through a lot in her 26 years, she is now going to therapy for anxiety. I have a hard time dealing with her, as her moods are so incredibly up & down, and can change on a dime, I have to be very careful what I say and how I talk with her, but yesterday was just too much for me to take. She was on her soapbox, spouting off how "everyone" treats her badly, (I have no idea what triggered this, we were having a good morning, no issues, talking about coffee & donuts).
Then she got on the subject of our new president, and covid... she thinks covid is a hoax, and everyone is making too big a deal about it, and it should just be treated as a common flu. Now I realize that many people feel as she does, maybe some of you, and that is fine, everyone can have their own thoughts and opinions, I just don't want them jammed down my throat as she was trying to do yesterday to her father and I.
I recently lost one of my favorite cousins to covid (no underlying conditions, just covid). I spoke up, to let her know that not everyone feels the way she does, and they maybe should show a little sympathy towards those that have lost loved ones to covid. Her response was that she felt that I was attacking her... I did not raise my voice, I just wanted her to see another side of this... well all H broke loose (we were able to calm her down after a bit). Then she went on to say that he at least had lived a good long life (he was only 65)... I guess in her youth she feels this is long enough?
This was not the first and I expect not the last confrontation like this. I guess what I am looking for are suggestions on how to diffuse this type of situation, and how can I teach her that not every deep conversation or disagreement has to turn into a huge loud argument? I just want to live in a peaceful environment, where I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Sorry this was so long, thank you for listening.
She's 26, an adult and should be living on her own. She can have her own opinions in her own house. My best advice, she needs to move out.
Agree. 100%.0 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »looneycatblue wrote: »Is is okay for me to do a little venting here? If so, and you feel like commenting, I would like to also listen to your input. I will just jump in... a little background, I remarried 5 years ago (we have been together 15 years now). My husband's 26 y/o daughter lives with us most of the time, other times with her mom and step-father. Our households are a complete opposite of each other, ours is a quiet one, we enjoy just winding down of long work days. Her Mom's is volatile, where yelling to communicate is the norm.
Daughter has been through a lot in her 26 years, she is now going to therapy for anxiety. I have a hard time dealing with her, as her moods are so incredibly up & down, and can change on a dime, I have to be very careful what I say and how I talk with her, but yesterday was just too much for me to take. She was on her soapbox, spouting off how "everyone" treats her badly, (I have no idea what triggered this, we were having a good morning, no issues, talking about coffee & donuts).
Then she got on the subject of our new president, and covid... she thinks covid is a hoax, and everyone is making too big a deal about it, and it should just be treated as a common flu. Now I realize that many people feel as she does, maybe some of you, and that is fine, everyone can have their own thoughts and opinions, I just don't want them jammed down my throat as she was trying to do yesterday to her father and I.
I recently lost one of my favorite cousins to covid (no underlying conditions, just covid). I spoke up, to let her know that not everyone feels the way she does, and they maybe should show a little sympathy towards those that have lost loved ones to covid. Her response was that she felt that I was attacking her... I did not raise my voice, I just wanted her to see another side of this... well all H broke loose (we were able to calm her down after a bit). Then she went on to say that he at least had lived a good long life (he was only 65)... I guess in her youth she feels this is long enough?
This was not the first and I expect not the last confrontation like this. I guess what I am looking for are suggestions on how to diffuse this type of situation, and how can I teach her that not every deep conversation or disagreement has to turn into a huge loud argument? I just want to live in a peaceful environment, where I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Sorry this was so long, thank you for listening.
She's 26, an adult and should be living on her own. She can have her own opinions in her own house. My best advice, she needs to move out.
Agree. 100%.
I thought that as well but how on earth does one make that happen and not alienate their child, not to mention everyone else within the family that thinks it's cruel to kick them out of the house? I think that's one of those 'easier said than done' things.2 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »looneycatblue wrote: »Is is okay for me to do a little venting here? If so, and you feel like commenting, I would like to also listen to your input. I will just jump in... a little background, I remarried 5 years ago (we have been together 15 years now). My husband's 26 y/o daughter lives with us most of the time, other times with her mom and step-father. Our households are a complete opposite of each other, ours is a quiet one, we enjoy just winding down of long work days. Her Mom's is volatile, where yelling to communicate is the norm.
Daughter has been through a lot in her 26 years, she is now going to therapy for anxiety. I have a hard time dealing with her, as her moods are so incredibly up & down, and can change on a dime, I have to be very careful what I say and how I talk with her, but yesterday was just too much for me to take. She was on her soapbox, spouting off how "everyone" treats her badly, (I have no idea what triggered this, we were having a good morning, no issues, talking about coffee & donuts).
Then she got on the subject of our new president, and covid... she thinks covid is a hoax, and everyone is making too big a deal about it, and it should just be treated as a common flu. Now I realize that many people feel as she does, maybe some of you, and that is fine, everyone can have their own thoughts and opinions, I just don't want them jammed down my throat as she was trying to do yesterday to her father and I.
I recently lost one of my favorite cousins to covid (no underlying conditions, just covid). I spoke up, to let her know that not everyone feels the way she does, and they maybe should show a little sympathy towards those that have lost loved ones to covid. Her response was that she felt that I was attacking her... I did not raise my voice, I just wanted her to see another side of this... well all H broke loose (we were able to calm her down after a bit). Then she went on to say that he at least had lived a good long life (he was only 65)... I guess in her youth she feels this is long enough?
This was not the first and I expect not the last confrontation like this. I guess what I am looking for are suggestions on how to diffuse this type of situation, and how can I teach her that not every deep conversation or disagreement has to turn into a huge loud argument? I just want to live in a peaceful environment, where I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Sorry this was so long, thank you for listening.
She's 26, an adult and should be living on her own. She can have her own opinions in her own house. My best advice, she needs to move out.
Agree. 100%.
I thought that as well but how on earth does one make that happen and not alienate their child, not to mention everyone else within the family that thinks it's cruel to kick them out of the house? I think that's one of those 'easier said than done' things.
Yes, very true.0 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »looneycatblue wrote: »Is is okay for me to do a little venting here? If so, and you feel like commenting, I would like to also listen to your input. I will just jump in... a little background, I remarried 5 years ago (we have been together 15 years now). My husband's 26 y/o daughter lives with us most of the time, other times with her mom and step-father. Our households are a complete opposite of each other, ours is a quiet one, we enjoy just winding down of long work days. Her Mom's is volatile, where yelling to communicate is the norm.
Daughter has been through a lot in her 26 years, she is now going to therapy for anxiety. I have a hard time dealing with her, as her moods are so incredibly up & down, and can change on a dime, I have to be very careful what I say and how I talk with her, but yesterday was just too much for me to take. She was on her soapbox, spouting off how "everyone" treats her badly, (I have no idea what triggered this, we were having a good morning, no issues, talking about coffee & donuts).
Then she got on the subject of our new president, and covid... she thinks covid is a hoax, and everyone is making too big a deal about it, and it should just be treated as a common flu. Now I realize that many people feel as she does, maybe some of you, and that is fine, everyone can have their own thoughts and opinions, I just don't want them jammed down my throat as she was trying to do yesterday to her father and I.
I recently lost one of my favorite cousins to covid (no underlying conditions, just covid). I spoke up, to let her know that not everyone feels the way she does, and they maybe should show a little sympathy towards those that have lost loved ones to covid. Her response was that she felt that I was attacking her... I did not raise my voice, I just wanted her to see another side of this... well all H broke loose (we were able to calm her down after a bit). Then she went on to say that he at least had lived a good long life (he was only 65)... I guess in her youth she feels this is long enough?
This was not the first and I expect not the last confrontation like this. I guess what I am looking for are suggestions on how to diffuse this type of situation, and how can I teach her that not every deep conversation or disagreement has to turn into a huge loud argument? I just want to live in a peaceful environment, where I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Sorry this was so long, thank you for listening.
She's 26, an adult and should be living on her own. She can have her own opinions in her own house. My best advice, she needs to move out.
Agree. 100%.
I thought that as well but how on earth does one make that happen and not alienate their child, not to mention everyone else within the family that thinks it's cruel to kick them out of the house? I think that's one of those 'easier said than done' things.
I was kicked out of the house at 20. I was working full-time and in school full-time. I didn't want to be there anyway and had plans to leave, so it wasn't terrible. It was the best for everyone and I have a good relationship, not only with my family but, specifically my parents.
It would take a lot for me to kick my own kids out so I understand the hesitancy, but sometimes it's necessary. The goal of parenting is to raise a capable, independent person.8 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »looneycatblue wrote: »Is is okay for me to do a little venting here? If so, and you feel like commenting, I would like to also listen to your input. I will just jump in... a little background, I remarried 5 years ago (we have been together 15 years now). My husband's 26 y/o daughter lives with us most of the time, other times with her mom and step-father. Our households are a complete opposite of each other, ours is a quiet one, we enjoy just winding down of long work days. Her Mom's is volatile, where yelling to communicate is the norm.
Daughter has been through a lot in her 26 years, she is now going to therapy for anxiety. I have a hard time dealing with her, as her moods are so incredibly up & down, and can change on a dime, I have to be very careful what I say and how I talk with her, but yesterday was just too much for me to take. She was on her soapbox, spouting off how "everyone" treats her badly, (I have no idea what triggered this, we were having a good morning, no issues, talking about coffee & donuts).
Then she got on the subject of our new president, and covid... she thinks covid is a hoax, and everyone is making too big a deal about it, and it should just be treated as a common flu. Now I realize that many people feel as she does, maybe some of you, and that is fine, everyone can have their own thoughts and opinions, I just don't want them jammed down my throat as she was trying to do yesterday to her father and I.
I recently lost one of my favorite cousins to covid (no underlying conditions, just covid). I spoke up, to let her know that not everyone feels the way she does, and they maybe should show a little sympathy towards those that have lost loved ones to covid. Her response was that she felt that I was attacking her... I did not raise my voice, I just wanted her to see another side of this... well all H broke loose (we were able to calm her down after a bit). Then she went on to say that he at least had lived a good long life (he was only 65)... I guess in her youth she feels this is long enough?
This was not the first and I expect not the last confrontation like this. I guess what I am looking for are suggestions on how to diffuse this type of situation, and how can I teach her that not every deep conversation or disagreement has to turn into a huge loud argument? I just want to live in a peaceful environment, where I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Sorry this was so long, thank you for listening.
She's 26, an adult and should be living on her own. She can have her own opinions in her own house. My best advice, she needs to move out.
Agree. 100%.
I thought that as well but how on earth does one make that happen and not alienate their (adult )child, not to mention everyone else within the family that thinks it's cruel to kick them out of the house? I think that's one of those 'easier said than done' things.
Encouraging empowered adulting is not an act of alienation. It is an act of love.
I have plenty of friends from European, Middle Eastern and southeast Asian backgrounds where it is not uncommon for a child to stay at home until they are married. Her age, in and of itself, is not the issue.
Because in those scenarios with my friends' families, there are also well-established norms and mores to be respected when it comes to your elders (let us disregard the whole patriarchial aspect of this for now though lol).
The whole thing is a give 'n take which requires service: you take care of your elders, your elders take care of you.
Regardless of whether there's a cultural or religious aspect to this 26-year-old still being at home, I know of few households who would tolerate the behaviours @looneycatblue mentioned without additional steps being taken.
These steps do not have to alienate anyone from each other. They can be positive.
It will require more work from everyone involved. Co-parenting an adult child with FOUR other adults? Not easy but not impossible is everyone is able to put in the long-term efforts (which I suspect it would be primarily consistent boundary-keeping, positive affirmations and empowerment exercises)
If I came off harsh earlier, I blame last night's rum cake.
If I come off harsh now, I blame...
Sunshine? 🤷🏾♀️9 -
To everyone suggesting our "venter" kick out her stepchild: I think we need context that is missing before suggesting that. We are unaware of the reasons why a 26 year old is still living at home with their parents. There can be many reasons, particularly in my generation, why people in their 30s and 40s are living with their parents.
We would really need to know the following (and the poster is in no way obligated to provide them):- Can the person be independent? Do they have any medical conditions that preclude them from living on their own?
- Are they employed? If they are, is the employment such that they could support themselves? A lot of people in my generation were either suddenly let go this year due to COVID and closures, or let go prior due to increasing downsizing of the places they were working and new jobs at the same income level were unavailable.
- Is there some other reason the person might still be living at home? Do they help take care of or do something else? Are they attending school and living at home to cut costs?
My point is that you shouldn't "jump the gun" and just assume that a 26 year old is being a deadbeat. If none of the above apply and it is found the 26 year old is just being a lazy mooch, then yes, definitely some hard love is probably warranted.
How said 26 year old approached discussing a particular subject and lashed out at fellow family members though is problematic and should be dealt with first. It may require professional intervention depending on how often these incidents occur and how frustrating it is for family members. I find the distaste and disrespect to be a larger issue as well as the hoax mentality.
Just my thoughts.7
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