Serious/heavy/deep/real stuff
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Miss_Chiev0us wrote: »I've been really stressed out lately about my health insurance and how it doesn't cover some of my meds. The world is so unfair, why do sick people have to stress about stuff like that? I know I should count myself lucky that I have some coverage while alot of people don't have any at all but it's so stressful . I don't want to ask anyone in my family for help so I'm just trying to deal with it by myself.
I’m sure you’ve already looked into it. But does GoodRX help at all?0 -
mom23mangos wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
Intuitively I know my dad plays a role in this. He was a perfectionist who believed anything was possible if you tried hard enough... So any failure of any sort meant you should have tried harder.
Oof....that was hard to read because this is my base philosophy on life. Although, I'd say I feel like failure isn't just because you should have tried harder, I feel like it just wasn't important enough to you. Or something else was more important and we should be honest with ourselves about that. Does that make sense?
Like for example, something that we tend to think we have no control over - a failed friendship or relationship. Can we control the other person? No. Could we have tried harder, changed ourselves to the other person's expectations, crossed moral lines to make the other person like you, etc? Sure, we could have and maybe that would have saved the relationship. But maybe your self respect was more important or your moral values, or your independence, whatever.
My kids are screwed up enough as it is. I hate to think I've projected a sense of inadequacy on them with this deep seated belief.
Maybe in the case of the relationship, the wording is what is flawed. If you have to change your moral values, or loosen your self respect then maybe it wasn't as much of a relationship as you thought it was. At that point, I wouldn't say it's a failed relationship as much as one that is over. Failure implies that something more should have been done, or that something was lacking that should have been implied... But rather it had reached a healthy conclusion.
I struggle with that perfectionistic spirit so badly, and I set such high expectations on myself that I cannot achieve them without deep personal sacrifice... And sometimes I need to realize that it's ok for me to cut myself some slack. That is very hard for me.
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I'm eyeballs deep in a situation where there is plenty of blame to go around. But rather than focusing on my own mistakes and learning from them, I'm REALLY struggling to not blame/be angry with others involved. I know I can't change their attitudes/behaviors, and I know I can learn from my mistakes... but dammit if I can't seem to get past this anger and resentment.13
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I'm eyeballs deep in a situation where there is plenty of blame to go around. But rather than focusing on my own mistakes and learning from them, I'm REALLY struggling to not blame/be angry with others involved. I know I can't change their attitudes/behaviors, and I know I can learn from my mistakes... but dammit if I can't seem to get past this anger and resentment.
I think it's good that you can recognize that there is blame all around and that also you might not be able to change the behaviors of other people.
The anger/resentment aspect is pretty normal (from my standpoint). The only thing that has helped me at all with similar situations is to continue to think about the situation (not dwell on it, but critically analyze it). If I can get into the other person's mindset, sometimes that helps, but honestly? It's the passage of time that blunts resentment for me. I usually have to analyze it for awhile and decide actively that I don't want to be angry or resentful anymore because it's not serving me a purpose. It's an active choice and decision making process.
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Who knew that exactly one year to the day that I saved this picture to my phone was the day I’d understand it the most.
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KosmosKitten wrote: »I'm eyeballs deep in a situation where there is plenty of blame to go around. But rather than focusing on my own mistakes and learning from them, I'm REALLY struggling to not blame/be angry with others involved. I know I can't change their attitudes/behaviors, and I know I can learn from my mistakes... but dammit if I can't seem to get past this anger and resentment.
I think it's good that you can recognize that there is blame all around and that also you might not be able to change the behaviors of other people.
The anger/resentment aspect is pretty normal (from my standpoint). The only thing that has helped me at all with similar situations is to continue to think about the situation (not dwell on it, but critically analyze it). If I can get into the other person's mindset, sometimes that helps, but honestly? It's the passage of time that blunts resentment for me. I usually have to analyze it for awhile and decide actively that I don't want to be angry or resentful anymore because it's not serving me a purpose. It's an active choice and decision making process.
I agree that it's at least semi-normal, and I agree that time will/should help. I'm just not at that point yet where I can't be consumed by it. Maybe some fresh air/exercise will help mute the feelings a bit, at least for the short term.
And in the big picture, no one is going to lose their job or end up homeless because of this situation... it's definitely a first-world type of problem. That's more context/perspective that I need to try to keep in mind.4 -
[...]
And in the big picture, no one is going to lose their job or end up homeless because of this situation... it's definitely a first-world type of problem. That's more context/perspective that I need to try to keep in mind.
I think the same about my problems. But life is not black&white, being alive is not just not being dead. Would we improve if we didnt pay attention to *our* problems, to *our* little universe? So take this as an opportunity to grow to a better self and stop beating yourself up!
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@dewit, I truly wish you had a magic wand that could erase it all as there are so many people that could use a reprieve from the weight of grieving a loved one.
I’ll be okay because I truly believe it when it was said that “Grief only exists where love lived first.”
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@dewit, I truly wish you had a magic wand that could erase it all as there are so many people that could use a reprieve from the weight of grieving a loved one.
I’ll be okay because I truly believe it when it was said that “Grief only exists where love lived first.”
Thank you. I really needed to read that this morning - what a lovely way to think of it.5 -
@dewit, I truly wish you had a magic wand that could erase it all as there are so many people that could use a reprieve from the weight of grieving a loved one.
I’ll be okay because I truly believe it when it was said that “Grief only exists where love lived first.”
Thank you. I really needed to read that this morning - what a lovely way to think of it.
So glad it spoke to you too. I’ve seen glimpses of your story in the forums, @RAinWA, and know that it’s been hard for you for awhile now. Hope today you see sunshine where you least expect it. 🤗
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Some days are just hard for no good reason. You can be surrounded by people who love you and care about you and still feel utterly alone.
If you’re feeling this way, my heart goes out to you.16 -
Some days are just hard for no good reason. You can be surrounded by people who love you and care about you and still feel utterly alone.
If you’re feeling this way, my heart goes out to you.
Especially this time of year. We're pressured to feel festive and happy, but for a lot of us, the holidays just bring bad memories and feelings of loss.7 -
I have a hard time dealing with eating and with my weight, people around me are always telling me im skinny and thin but I don't feel like I am. Im 5'9 and weigh 127 but i feel like im 227. When I see myslef in the mirror I don't see what everyone else sees so it's hard.6
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I have a hard time dealing with eating and with my weight, people around me are always telling me im skinny and thin but I don't feel like I am. Im 5'9 and weigh 127 but i feel like im 227. When I see myslef in the mirror I don't see what everyone else sees so it's hard.
127 is quite low for 5'9". I get the feeling fat, but everyone telling you that you are not... but it sounds like maybe there is more at play here? Maybe talking to a nutritionist or medical professional could help?
It's a real mind *kitten* when your brain tells you one thing and your friends and family tell you another.
When you take a picture of yourself, do you see fat as well? (For me, I tended to see myself a bit differently in pictures than I did when looking in the mirror). Another thing that helped was having a friend who understood my struggles that I could send regular pictures to for feedback.
In any event... you're not alone in this. Sending you love and acceptance.
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Some days are just hard for no good reason. You can be surrounded by people who love you and care about you and still feel utterly alone.
If you’re feeling this way, my heart goes out to you.
Especially this time of year. We're pressured to feel festive and happy, but for a lot of us, the holidays just bring bad memories and feelings of loss.
True. It's been many years, but my grandfather died a couple of weeks before Christmas back when I was 12 and I always tend to get a little wistful around this time because of it (and other things). Apparently, people passing near (or on) Christmas is a "thing" in my family. My great-grandfather died on Christmas day.. my grandpa always got sick for years after his passing on Christmas, like clockwork.
Like something in his body was fundamentally miserable about the holiday and took it out on him.
But there's also the fact that for many of us, we have long-term clinical depression. We can't just "make ourselves feel better". It's a fundamental chemical imbalance in our brains that make us depressed, not just "life happening". The pressure of being asked by society to be festive and bright all the time does nothing for those people but put a drain on their already abysmally tiny tank of joy.
And if you live in a place where SAD is a thing, it's even worse.
Try and take care of yourselves, MFPers.. the holidays can be rough.I have a hard time dealing with eating and with my weight, people around me are always telling me im skinny and thin but I don't feel like I am. Im 5'9 and weigh 127 but i feel like im 227. When I see myslef in the mirror I don't see what everyone else sees so it's hard.
Not to armchair diagnose here, but have you ever looked into body dysmorphia and talked to someone about it? What you're describing sounds very much like that and is/can be a normal outcome of weight loss/diet culture and our general society's obsession with being "thin and perfect". If you haven't, maybe look into it and see if any of the practices of others helps you out (if you can't find someone to talk to about it in a professional capacity, anyway). 9 -
The paradox with depression is that you tend to isolate yourself from people for fear of them finding out you’re depressed, because nobody really wants to be around a depressed person.
Someone said to me recently that you shouldn’t try to fix them, just meet them where they’re at. I think that’s really solid advice.
Anyway, just bringing this thread back because tis the season for hard stuff13 -
My 13yo son told me he was depressed a week ago. This didn't surprise me, since he has been showing signs of depression and mid 2020 my ex insisted he instantly stop medication he was on for generalized anxiety disorder (which he was put on as a matter of urgency before it turned into depression). I told him I would take him to the doctor and get whatever treatment he needed. I informed my ex and was blasted and abused and threatened and blamed. He refused to consent to resuming medication and said I was pushing drugs onto my child. Eventually I was forced to look to the law, which states that a child of over 12 years can give their own consent for medication. I told my ex that his consent was not required and if my son felt he needs the medication to function, he can take it. I was then threatened with having both my children taken from me. He has no leg to stand on, but it has made this one hellish week with no sign of improvement. I am just so tired of fighting18
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Versicolour wrote: »My 13yo son told me he was depressed a week ago. This didn't surprise me, since he has been showing signs of depression and mid 2020 my ex insisted he instantly stop medication he was on for generalized anxiety disorder (which he was put on as a matter of urgency before it turned into depression). I told him I would take him to the doctor and get whatever treatment he needed. I informed my ex and was blasted and abused and threatened and blamed. He refused to consent to resuming medication and said I was pushing drugs onto my child. Eventually I was forced to look to the law, which states that a child of over 12 years can give their own consent for medication. I told my ex that his consent was not required and if my son felt he needs the medication to function, he can take it. I was then threatened with having both my children taken from me. He has no leg to stand on, but it has made this one hellish week with no sign of improvement. I am just so tired of fighting
My ex is the same. It wasn't until the doc sat there in front of both of us and told him that he felt that meds could save our child's life. That the anxiety and depression was putting their life at risk. When faced with the doc prescribing it, all of a sudden he'd look like a bad guy saying no to his child's medical need.
We had to go to court to get them therapy, and now we're heading back to court to give me full custody because the kids have both decided they can't handle living there anymore.
It's so hard. It's exhausting and expensive and so damn unfair that you have to fight for their health with the one other person who's supposed to care as much as you do.
You're not alone in this. If you ever need an ear... Reach out. I am always willing to listen!13 -
Versicolour wrote: »My 13yo son told me he was depressed a week ago. This didn't surprise me, since he has been showing signs of depression and mid 2020 my ex insisted he instantly stop medication he was on for generalized anxiety disorder (which he was put on as a matter of urgency before it turned into depression). I told him I would take him to the doctor and get whatever treatment he needed. I informed my ex and was blasted and abused and threatened and blamed. He refused to consent to resuming medication and said I was pushing drugs onto my child. Eventually I was forced to look to the law, which states that a child of over 12 years can give their own consent for medication. I told my ex that his consent was not required and if my son felt he needs the medication to function, he can take it. I was then threatened with having both my children taken from me. He has no leg to stand on, but it has made this one hellish week with no sign of improvement. I am just so tired of fighting
Nadine, Im so sorry you and your son are going through this. Your son is going to need your strength.. no doubt your ex will be in his ear telling him what he wants him to do.
One day at a time lovely.. you and your son stand strong against your ex's abuse.
I know it can be tiring but hang on, eventually there'll be light at the end of the tunnel. You're a great mother and thankfully a comforting, stable spot in your kids lives.
The biggest of warm hugs to you 😙
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@KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Versicolour wrote: »My 13yo son told me he was depressed a week ago. This didn't surprise me, since he has been showing signs of depression and mid 2020 my ex insisted he instantly stop medication he was on for generalized anxiety disorder (which he was put on as a matter of urgency before it turned into depression). I told him I would take him to the doctor and get whatever treatment he needed. I informed my ex and was blasted and abused and threatened and blamed. He refused to consent to resuming medication and said I was pushing drugs onto my child. Eventually I was forced to look to the law, which states that a child of over 12 years can give their own consent for medication. I told my ex that his consent was not required and if my son felt he needs the medication to function, he can take it. I was then threatened with having both my children taken from me. He has no leg to stand on, but it has made this one hellish week with no sign of improvement. I am just so tired of fighting
My ex is the same. It wasn't until the doc sat there in front of both of us and told him that he felt that meds could save our child's life. That the anxiety and depression was putting their life at risk. When faced with the doc prescribing it, all of a sudden he'd look like a bad guy saying no to his child's medical need.
We had to go to court to get them therapy, and now we're heading back to court to give me full custody because the kids have both decided they can't handle living there anymore.
It's so hard. It's exhausting and expensive and so damn unfair that you have to fight for their health with the one other person who's supposed to care as much as you do.
You're not alone in this. If you ever need an ear... Reach out. I am always willing to listen!@slimgirljo15 wrote: »Versicolour wrote: »My 13yo son told me he was depressed a week ago. This didn't surprise me, since he has been showing signs of depression and mid 2020 my ex insisted he instantly stop medication he was on for generalized anxiety disorder (which he was put on as a matter of urgency before it turned into depression). I told him I would take him to the doctor and get whatever treatment he needed. I informed my ex and was blasted and abused and threatened and blamed. He refused to consent to resuming medication and said I was pushing drugs onto my child. Eventually I was forced to look to the law, which states that a child of over 12 years can give their own consent for medication. I told my ex that his consent was not required and if my son felt he needs the medication to function, he can take it. I was then threatened with having both my children taken from me. He has no leg to stand on, but it has made this one hellish week with no sign of improvement. I am just so tired of fighting
Nadine, Im so sorry you and your son are going through this. Your son is going to need your strength.. no doubt your ex will be in his ear telling him what he wants him to do.
One day at a time lovely.. you and your son stand strong against your ex's abuse.
I know it can be tiring but hang on, eventually there'll be light at the end of the tunnel. You're a great mother and thankfully a comforting, stable spot in your kids lives.
The biggest of warm hugs to you 😙
Thank you both. I appreciate your support. It is comforting to have someone other than my parents telling me I am not the evil one here. It starts to get to a person eventually7 -
Here, have a brawndo.
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Versicolour wrote: »My 13yo son told me he was depressed a week ago. This didn't surprise me, since he has been showing signs of depression and mid 2020 my ex insisted he instantly stop medication he was on for generalized anxiety disorder (which he was put on as a matter of urgency before it turned into depression). I told him I would take him to the doctor and get whatever treatment he needed. I informed my ex and was blasted and abused and threatened and blamed. He refused to consent to resuming medication and said I was pushing drugs onto my child. Eventually I was forced to look to the law, which states that a child of over 12 years can give their own consent for medication. I told my ex that his consent was not required and if my son felt he needs the medication to function, he can take it. I was then threatened with having both my children taken from me. He has no leg to stand on, but it has made this one hellish week with no sign of improvement. I am just so tired of fighting
Check your divorce papers as well...one person has legal say over medical decisions. And seek psychiatric advice/help immediately. These things need immediate action. I know from experience. PM me if you need to talk.6 -
Hi, I'm looking to gain a better sense of discipline and ownership of my flaws. I understand that no one is perfect but we've been programmed to think that way because everything around us tells us so. I myself need to be comfortable in my own skin and do what works for me. Feel free to add me if you like. Its refreshing to hear honest perspectives.
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Versicolour wrote: »My 13yo son told me he was depressed a week ago. This didn't surprise me, since he has been showing signs of depression and mid 2020 my ex insisted he instantly stop medication he was on for generalized anxiety disorder (which he was put on as a matter of urgency before it turned into depression). I told him I would take him to the doctor and get whatever treatment he needed. I informed my ex and was blasted and abused and threatened and blamed. He refused to consent to resuming medication and said I was pushing drugs onto my child. Eventually I was forced to look to the law, which states that a child of over 12 years can give their own consent for medication. I told my ex that his consent was not required and if my son felt he needs the medication to function, he can take it. I was then threatened with having both my children taken from me. He has no leg to stand on, but it has made this one hellish week with no sign of improvement. I am just so tired of fightingKickassAmazon76 wrote: »My ex is the same. It wasn't until the doc sat there in front of both of us and told him that he felt that meds could save our child's life. That the anxiety and depression was putting their life at risk. When faced with the doc prescribing it, all of a sudden he'd look like a bad guy saying no to his child's medical need.
We had to go to court to get them therapy, and now we're heading back to court to give me full custody because the kids have both decided they can't handle living there anymore.
It's so hard. It's exhausting and expensive and so damn unfair that you have to fight for their health with the one other person who's supposed to care as much as you do.
You're not alone in this. If you ever need an ear... Reach out. I am always willing to listen!
Kudos to both of you for standing up for your kids when they need you the most! Parents have a hard enough job raising kids without having to fight over every little thing with the other parent. I see a lot of parents who can't put away the hard feelings for their ex long enough to do what's right for their kids. It's heartbreaking.3 -
Versicolour wrote: »My 13yo son told me he was depressed a week ago. This didn't surprise me, since he has been showing signs of depression and mid 2020 my ex insisted he instantly stop medication he was on for generalized anxiety disorder (which he was put on as a matter of urgency before it turned into depression). I told him I would take him to the doctor and get whatever treatment he needed. I informed my ex and was blasted and abused and threatened and blamed. He refused to consent to resuming medication and said I was pushing drugs onto my child. Eventually I was forced to look to the law, which states that a child of over 12 years can give their own consent for medication. I told my ex that his consent was not required and if my son felt he needs the medication to function, he can take it. I was then threatened with having both my children taken from me. He has no leg to stand on, but it has made this one hellish week with no sign of improvement. I am just so tired of fighting
The age at which kids can make independent medical decisions varies. I thought 14 was low but 12! It absolutely works in this situation considering the other parent's judgement seems to be selfishly clouded with disdain for you.
With my kids and their two completely different scenarios, I felt it was important for them to understand both their rights as well as responsibilities when it comes to their health, the decisions they make and potential implications. It's a lot for adults so the multiple, gentle, objective, fact-based conversations you and your teen's healthcare team can have with them are important and set them up for better self-care behaviours as they mature.
You're doing good to keep your boundaries up while communicating with your ex @Versicolour. And add/remove some boundaries as the situation warrants. You're protecting yourself and your family.
No distractions needed.
Hopefully, the father will come around to helpful co-parenting and child rearing but you can't wait around for that nor can you be the one to support him to do so if he insists on being unreasonably contrarian.3 -
Having been married to someone who was skilled in the art of passive aggressive behaviour, and who fits many of the NPD attributes... sometimes I feel like "generic" messages are aimed at me as a form of judgement.
I find myself thinking... Am I feeling this way because they feel true? Do I feel defensive because they sting? Or am I just so used to being indirectly attacked that I'm always on the defensive?
I spent a number of years where gas lighting was the norm and it can really get you to a place where you question EVERYTHING and have a hard time trusting in anything.
Sometimes I feel called into a conversation just so I can be slapped out of it... And I really wonder... Is this really what's happening, or am I still so damaged that I am seeing stuff that isn't there.
I dunno. Mental abuse is a really disgusting form of abuse. It's one where noone else sees the scars that you see every day.9 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Having been married to someone who was skilled in the art of passive aggressive behaviour, and who fits many of the NPD attributes... sometimes I feel like "generic" messages are aimed at me as a form of judgement.
I find myself thinking... Am I feeling this way because they feel true? Do I feel defensive because they sting? Or am I just so used to being indirectly attacked that I'm always on the defensive?
I spent a number of years where gas lighting was the norm and it can really get you to a place where you question EVERYTHING and have a hard time trusting in anything.
Sometimes I feel called into a conversation just so I can be slapped out of it... And I really wonder... Is this really what's happening, or am I still so damaged that I am seeing stuff that isn't there.
I dunno. Mental abuse is a really disgusting form of abuse. It's one where noone else sees the scars that you see every day.
I know exactly what you mean. It is easy for people who have never been through it to question why you stayed and why you believed all the nonsense. But being right there in the middle of it is completely different. It seems they move on so easily and so quickly while we are left trying to stick the dust and ashes together with silly putty. I do believe we come out out of it as diamonds though, and they will never be more than lumps of coal
Big hugs 🤗8 -
@KickassAmazon76 and @Versicolour
Sorry to hear your relationships have made you think so negatively of yourselves.
When I say 'it's them, not you', it's the truth. I firmly believe people degrade and/or pick on others to make themselves feel mightier, more important. And I don't believe they ever become happy because they'll never be happy with themselves. PLEASE don't let them destroy the essence and beauty of who you are.
There are so many ways another person can make someone feel lower than low, whether it's their intention or not. Truly sad when it happens to lovely and vulnerable people because they end up believing it about themselves. It's a difficult mindset to turn back around and regain your esteem.8 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Having been married to someone who was skilled in the art of passive aggressive behaviour, and who fits many of the NPD attributes... sometimes I feel like "generic" messages are aimed at me as a form of judgement.
I find myself thinking... Am I feeling this way because they feel true? Do I feel defensive because they sting? Or am I just so used to being indirectly attacked that I'm always on the defensive?
I spent a number of years where gas lighting was the norm and it can really get you to a place where you question EVERYTHING and have a hard time trusting in anything.
Sometimes I feel called into a conversation just so I can be slapped out of it... And I really wonder... Is this really what's happening, or am I still so damaged that I am seeing stuff that isn't there.
I dunno. Mental abuse is a really disgusting form of abuse. It's one where noone else sees the scars that you see every day.
I can relate to this on so many levels.7
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