Serious/heavy/deep/real stuff

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  • happimess01
    happimess01 Posts: 9,074 Member
    ReenieHJ wrote: »
    mom23mangos wrote: »
    @slimgirljo15 - he's doing well, thank you for asking. He has narcolepsy and severe depression. He still remembers absolutely nothing about it and doesn't think he meant to attempt suicide (he had an active plan a year before). But he got drunk (first time) and that evidently lowered his inhibitions enough to think it was a good idea to combine alcohol with his narcolepsy medication which is a HUGE no no. He had been housesitting for my father and if we hadn't randomly stopped by and found him I'm 100% convinced he would have died. When he came out of the coma and was still under the influence he confessed it was on purpose. He went to inpatient for a week and then an IOP for 12 weeks and started doing deep TMS and Ketamine treatments. The Ketamine seems to have helped him the most, and he's the happiest he's been in years (meaning not actively suicidal). But he still can't really function in society enough to support himself. Baby steps.

    I don't even know what to say. Wish I had more to offer than a virtual hug or words of encouragement.

    You're being majorly tested and I hope there is some light among the shadows very soon for you. I'm so sorry; life has been hugely challenging for you for awhile now.

    {{HUGS}}

    this^ :(
  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,677 Member
    Miss_Chiev0us wrote: »
    Even if I'm 4 months in remission. Every day I feel like this, like something is pressing up against the back of my head as someone whispers in my ear.

    "Sssshhhhh.... don't turn around. Just listen. I am holding a gun against the back of your head. I'm going to keep it there. I'm going to follow you around like this every day, for the rest of your life."

    "I'm going to press a bit harder, every so often, just to remind you I'm here, but you need to try your best to ignore me, to move on with your life. Act like I'm not here, but don't you ever forget... one day I may just pull the trigger... or maybe I won't.

    I have kind of learned to live with this the best way I can by living my best life everyday. Some days are just harder than others. Thankfully I've had really great days for a few months now.

    You are such an amazing woman. I get that feeling. So many times I've tried to share with people that I feel like I have an anvil or piano hanging over my head, and the rope is frayed, but I never know when it's going to drop. Some days you can feel the weight of it, other days it's not as bad, but that shadow is always there.

    I know there aren't words that can make that feeling go away. Just the sentiment that there are very real people caring for and rooting for you. One of the nice things about this forum is that you can almost always find someone who relates... And when that happens, sometimes you don't feel quite as alone as you thought you were.

    My piano isn't physical illness, but rather the mental illness of a close family member that has a lot of influence in my life (and the lives of my children's).

    Many hugs to you. You are truly an inspiration to so many. ❤️
  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,677 Member
    ButterIsGood wrote: »
    I'm afraid of failure. I don't think I have what it takes to be good at anything. As soon as something becomes challenging, I abandon it. I'm 25 and I feel stuck in my life and its been like this for 4 years now. Feels like my life is a complete waste. Nothing ever changes. I'm terrified of making any moves forward because I don't want to fail or be rejected. But being stuck is also causing me anxiety and depression. Just stuck.

    The good news is that you are young. Quite so. You have time to get help and turn things around. It may feel like the future is bleak... But there is hope.

    I read an article that says the AVERAGE person holds ten different jobs by the time they're 40. That means some people have held less than that, but that many have had more.

    Please don't quit trying. Failure is just a precursor to growth... And it's ok (if not desirable) to fail.

    Might I recommend a book... "the subtle art of not giving a *kitten*". It has some really great content about the fear of failure and redefining what that means to you. Also, if you are able... Therapy has been HUGE for me in this area. (still have a long way to go).

    You can do this!
  • Miss_Chiev0us
    Miss_Chiev0us Posts: 1,592 Member
    KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
    Miss_Chiev0us wrote: »
    Even if I'm 4 months in remission. Every day I feel like this, like something is pressing up against the back of my head as someone whispers in my ear.

    "Sssshhhhh.... don't turn around. Just listen. I am holding a gun against the back of your head. I'm going to keep it there. I'm going to follow you around like this every day, for the rest of your life."

    "I'm going to press a bit harder, every so often, just to remind you I'm here, but you need to try your best to ignore me, to move on with your life. Act like I'm not here, but don't you ever forget... one day I may just pull the trigger... or maybe I won't.

    I have kind of learned to live with this the best way I can by living my best life everyday. Some days are just harder than others. Thankfully I've had really great days for a few months now.

    You are such an amazing woman. I get that feeling. So many times I've tried to share with people that I feel like I have an anvil or piano hanging over my head, and the rope is frayed, but I never know when it's going to drop. Some days you can feel the weight of it, other days it's not as bad, but that shadow is always there.

    I know there aren't words that can make that feeling go away. Just the sentiment that there are very real people caring for and rooting for you. One of the nice things about this forum is that you can almost always find someone who relates... And when that happens, sometimes you don't feel quite as alone as you thought you were.

    My piano isn't physical illness, but rather the mental illness of a close family member that has a lot of influence in my life (and the lives of my children's).

    Many hugs to you. You are truly an inspiration to so many. ❤️

    ❤❤❤
  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,677 Member
    RockingWithLJ wrote: »
    I just need to put this in the universe because holding onto it is making my heart heavy..
    Trying to find a person that I can ride and die with in a culture that's all about frivolous encounters and hookups is a special kind of hell. I know my value and what I expect from people and I'm not willing to budge on any of it.. I'd rather be alone than to accept garbage. It's to the point where id rather give up than to keep looking..

    I hear you. I've had so much failure and heartache that I quit too. Maybe in that freedom of expectation, we'll find something lasting. For me, I'm afraid it'll be decades before I have a real chance.

    And if I am real and deep (like this thread allows) ... I often wonder what's so broken about me that causes me to appeal to the broken in others.
  • Miss_Chiev0us
    Miss_Chiev0us Posts: 1,592 Member
    KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
    MaltedTea wrote: »
    Versicolour wrote: »
    I am always wearing a mask. A happy mask. Always smiling.

    I am seriously battling with binge eating and depression

    I hope you have the professional supports you need in place for your health and...I'm glad you have THIS place to safely share smiley moments and *kitten* moments

    About 7 years ago, mfp became my social experiment. All my life I have been trying to please everyone. Putting on masks, doing things, sucking up my real feelings and thoughts... And I got to the point where I didn't know who I was but I was sure that if you knew the real me, you'd hate me.

    Then one day, the anonymity of mfp called to me and I started being who I thought was me. I mean hey... If internet strangers hate me... No loss. But what I found was that the more real I became, the more people came to me.

    I encourage you to experimebt with taking those masks off and watching reactions. Maybe you'll be as pleasantly shocked as I was.

    Cuz it really sucks having to wear a mask all the time.

    I can really relate to this.
  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,724 Member
    edited November 2020
    @KickassAmazon76 I've done that here and other forums; I speak my mind more often and say what jumps into my thoughts, more than I do in daily conversations. And I still feel like I always do. I truly feel I do/say things sometimes just to keep others at an arms length away so when they leave it doesn't hurt as much. At least that's what I keep telling myself. :)
    People ask to friend me and I did accept in the beginning but then they started disappearing so I don't accept them anymore. :( I figure once they get to know me better they're leaving anyways. Must be my charm and charisma.
  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,677 Member
    ReenieHJ wrote: »
    @KickassAmazon76 I've done that here and other forums; I speak my mind more often and say what jumps into my thoughts, more than I do in daily conversations. And I still feel like I always do. I truly feel I do/say things sometimes just to keep others at an arms length away so when they leave it doesn't hurt as much. At least that's what I keep telling myself. :)
    People ask to friend me and I did accept in the beginning but then they started disappearing so I don't accept them anymore. :( I figure once they get to know me better they're leaving anyways. Must be my charm and charisma.

    I cannot see how that is possible. Every person is different and has different needs. I am not a very good friend this reincarnation in that I often pop up and a share something, scroll through my feed, respond to whomever I see and then flit off to do other stuff. Some people need you to be on their walls or in their DMs regularly... And reality both are ok... Things have been really challenging in my life lately, so often I don't have a lot of energy to put out. (certainly not like I used to have!)

    If that's not what others need from me, then it's ok for them to go find what they need. But for those who want a friend who doesn't need regular care and feeding, don't mind someone who often uses their own wall to express some of the stuff they can't really share elsewhere in their life...and who occasionally has their crap together and works out for a bit... then I'm their gal! Haha

    I would be willing to bet that, unless you're super offensive all over your feed or something (which I highly doubt), they leave because they're looking for something specific that really has little to do with who you are, and far more to do with who they are!

  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,508 Member
    ReenieHJ wrote: »

    Must be my charm and charisma.


    let's not get carried away, okay ?? B)
  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,677 Member
    edited November 2020
    jjpptt2 wrote: »
    I've known for a long time that I look to others for validation, and that my self esteem comes from how I compare to others. I know that's rooted in the fact that I don't find much inherent/intrinsic worth in myself. Lately, I've been thinking about why that is... what causes a child to not like themselves? How/Why does that feeling persist through decades, and even as an adult, that irrational emotion drowns out my rational understanding.

    And yes, even this post has a degree of "look at me" to it. I know that. But I post it anyway...

    If I had the answer to that, I'd be in a much better place. I can relate entirely!

    Intuitively I know my dad plays a role in this. He was a perfectionist who believed anything was possible if you tried hard enough... So any failure of any sort meant you should have tried harder.

    A lot of my value was derived from how pleased he was by what I achieved. I think that if we get that message as kids, it's really hard to change the narrative when we're older.

    How to teach something different to our kids though... That's a different story!
  • MaltedTea
    MaltedTea Posts: 6,286 Member
    edited November 2020
    jjpptt2 wrote: »
    I've known for a long time that I look to others for validation, and that my self esteem comes from how I compare to others. I know that's rooted in the fact that I don't find much inherent/intrinsic worth in myself. Lately, I've been thinking about why that is... what causes a child to not like themselves? How/Why does that feeling persist through decades, and even as an adult, that irrational emotion drowns out my rational understanding.

    And yes, even this post has a degree of "look at me" to it. I know that. But I post it anyway...

    I can't presume to know why you feel the way you do. Yet, if you haven't seen this YouTube channel already, may I suggest "The School of Life" to you? They have a lot of evidence-based, psychologically-focused content that - in the space of a few minutes - can really make you think. You'll often find yourself thinking about your childhood, how your parent may have a role in how you feel today and, most importantly, how you can start shifting your thought processes/habits for your good.

    Here's one on self-compassion and another on self-esteem. There's even one on the challenging combo of anxiety and disliking oneself.

    The entire channel is chock full of insightful information. I hope it can be of help to you.

    ETA: Of course, none of this is a replacement for professional mental health supports. I hope you have some in place too.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    @KosmosKitten We played a game and right now, I have no idea how I remembered those places. I don't know how or what happened but it did. Never underestimate your personality. Brush that other stuff off and walk on with your head held high.
  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,724 Member
    jjpptt2 wrote: »
    I've known for a long time that I look to others for validation, and that my self esteem comes from how I compare to others. I know that's rooted in the fact that I don't find much inherent/intrinsic worth in myself. Lately, I've been thinking about why that is... what causes a child to not like themselves? How/Why does that feeling persist through decades, and even as an adult, that irrational emotion drowns out my rational understanding.

    And yes, even this post has a degree of "look at me" to it. I know that. But I post it anyway...

    That's me too! In order for me to feel good about my decisions, etc., I need someone to agree with me. I have no clue why our self-worth is lacking like that; whether it's in our DNA or learned from our childhood or what. But yes, I can totally relate to what you said. And I've spent most of my life comparing myself to others, hoping I measure up okay and seeking validation. :/ So much pressure we put on ourselves when we should all realize we are who we are, should be happy and grateful for all that we are and have been given. I detested going to workshops as a childcare provider because I'd sit there in my little corner, evaluating myself compared to everybody else present. :(
  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,724 Member
    Nobody in my immediate family has self-confidence, except my soon-to-be 30 yo dd. I asked her once how she got all the confidence in the family and she said she pretends. Kind of a fake it til ya make it thing. She'll walk into an interview with her head held high as @Diatonic12 suggested, and ace it every time. It's the way she walks into restaurants, work, any place really.
    That's never been me. :( I walk in somewhere, already assuming the worst. :/ Just want to melt into the walls.
    @jjpptt2 I think you touched on something deep and more common than you think, with your post.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,508 Member
    ...... these are actually pretty good times to be delusional.
  • mom23mangos
    mom23mangos Posts: 3,069 Member
    edited November 2020
    KickassAmazon76 wrote: »

    Intuitively I know my dad plays a role in this. He was a perfectionist who believed anything was possible if you tried hard enough... So any failure of any sort meant you should have tried harder.

    Oof....that was hard to read because this is my base philosophy on life. Although, I'd say I feel like failure isn't just because you should have tried harder, I feel like it just wasn't important enough to you. Or something else was more important and we should be honest with ourselves about that. Does that make sense?

    Like for example, something that we tend to think we have no control over - a failed friendship or relationship. Can we control the other person? No. Could we have tried harder, changed ourselves to the other person's expectations, crossed moral lines to make the other person like you, etc? Sure, we could have and maybe that would have saved the relationship. But maybe your self respect was more important or your moral values, or your independence, whatever.

    My kids are screwed up enough as it is. I hate to think I've projected a sense of inadequacy on them with this deep seated belief.
  • MaltedTea
    MaltedTea Posts: 6,286 Member
    edited November 2020
    [see below]
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,371 Member
    Miss_Chiev0us wrote: »
    MaltedTea wrote: »
    Miss_Chiev0us wrote: »
    I've been really stressed out lately about my health insurance and how it doesn't cover some of my meds. The world is so unfair, why do sick people have to stress about stuff like that? I know I should count myself lucky that I have some coverage while alot of people don't have any at all but it's so stressful . I don't want to ask anyone in my family for help so I'm just trying to deal with it by myself.

    If a cancer society/association or your pharmacist hasn't already informed you, there are many pharmaceutical companies that offer "compassionate care" (just their term for financial assistance) for some of their branded products.

    If this is new to you then rack up all your non-OTC meds and Google...

    [drug name] + "patient support program"

    You want to ensure you have the Canadian version of programs so you may want to add something like [...activate Nerd Powers (I'm doing this a lot today)...]

    [drug name] + "patient support program" site:.ca
    [drug name] + "patient support program" canada

    This is not a guaranteed thing AND there are eligibility requirements AND your oncologist team/office gets involved but the idea is to offer payment assistance. This can extend to people with private coverage but who may be overwhelmed with their co-pay, deductible, or even the cost of traveling to infusion sites, if that is the case.

    You're always so helpful and kind, I adore you ❤ unfortunately, so far I haven't been eligible for anything I've applied for. I'm ok for now because I do have some coverage but it's stressful thinking that I need to pay over 450$/month and I don't know when or if I'll be able to work again. I've lost so much in the last year to be able to afford all the travels I've had to make for treatments and surgeries. Yes, alot of it was material stuff but it's not easy because I've never really been stressed about money before. I don't need much to survive but I also have 2 kids to take care of . The government doesn't care about that.

    Hopefully you have all your receipts for non-insured medical expenses and can claim them at tax time, and maybe get a big refund.

    Not sure if you can access a provincial plan for high medication costs? In Ontario we have the Trillium Drug program, but I am honestly not sure how that works with partial insurance coverage. My father has it to pay for his drugs, they assess him an annual deductible amount based on income (he's a senior on pension) and once that is paid his meds are no-cost.
  • Miss_Chiev0us
    Miss_Chiev0us Posts: 1,592 Member
    ythannah wrote: »
    Miss_Chiev0us wrote: »
    MaltedTea wrote: »
    Miss_Chiev0us wrote: »
    I've been really stressed out lately about my health insurance and how it doesn't cover some of my meds. The world is so unfair, why do sick people have to stress about stuff like that? I know I should count myself lucky that I have some coverage while alot of people don't have any at all but it's so stressful . I don't want to ask anyone in my family for help so I'm just trying to deal with it by myself.

    If a cancer society/association or your pharmacist hasn't already informed you, there are many pharmaceutical companies that offer "compassionate care" (just their term for financial assistance) for some of their branded products.

    If this is new to you then rack up all your non-OTC meds and Google...

    [drug name] + "patient support program"

    You want to ensure you have the Canadian version of programs so you may want to add something like [...activate Nerd Powers (I'm doing this a lot today)...]

    [drug name] + "patient support program" site:.ca
    [drug name] + "patient support program" canada

    This is not a guaranteed thing AND there are eligibility requirements AND your oncologist team/office gets involved but the idea is to offer payment assistance. This can extend to people with private coverage but who may be overwhelmed with their co-pay, deductible, or even the cost of traveling to infusion sites, if that is the case.

    You're always so helpful and kind, I adore you ❤ unfortunately, so far I haven't been eligible for anything I've applied for. I'm ok for now because I do have some coverage but it's stressful thinking that I need to pay over 450$/month and I don't know when or if I'll be able to work again. I've lost so much in the last year to be able to afford all the travels I've had to make for treatments and surgeries. Yes, alot of it was material stuff but it's not easy because I've never really been stressed about money before. I don't need much to survive but I also have 2 kids to take care of . The government doesn't care about that.

    Hopefully you have all your receipts for non-insured medical expenses and can claim them at tax time, and maybe get a big refund.

    Not sure if you can access a provincial plan for high medication costs? In Ontario we have the Trillium Drug program, but I am honestly not sure how that works with partial insurance coverage. My father has it to pay for his drugs, they assess him an annual deductible amount based on income (he's a senior on pension) and once that is paid his meds are no-cost.

    Yes, I have kept all of my receipts 😊 I will keep trying to find a program. I'm not struggling at the moment, just thinking too far ahead and worrying things don't get better. I just want to be able to get back to working.

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