Serious/heavy/deep/real stuff
Replies
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KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
I feel your pain and fear. My 25yo STILL feels this way. He’s probably at the best spot he’s been in in over 5 years, but still said if we gave him our blessing he would off himself immediately.
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mom23mangos wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
I feel your pain and fear. My 25yo STILL feels this way. He’s probably at the best spot he’s been in in over 5 years, but still said if we gave him our blessing he would off himself immediately.
Big hugs. 😔 It's so hard to know your child is hurting and to be completely unable to stop it. It has been such a struggle for you, I can only hope it eases soon. ❤️0 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »mom23mangos wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
I feel your pain and fear. My 25yo STILL feels this way. He’s probably at the best spot he’s been in in over 5 years, but still said if we gave him our blessing he would off himself immediately.
Big hugs. 😔 It's so hard to know your child is hurting and to be completely unable to stop it. It has been such a struggle for you, I can only hope it eases soon. ❤️
Oh dear lady
It sounds like they're getting some much needed help plus they know they can count on your love and support. And s/he is talking to you; that right there is a biggie. I feel many that are in dire straights like that never offer any clues. But you must be very worried and sad they're feeling this way. As a parent we all want our children to be happy most of all. Hugs and prayers that things turn around with the therapy and medication. 1 -
mom23mangos wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
I feel your pain and fear. My 25yo STILL feels this way. He’s probably at the best spot he’s been in in over 5 years, but still said if we gave him our blessing he would off himself immediately.
I'm so sorry your son feels this way; hope his life feels brighter in the near future. Has therapy/medications, anything worked to help him?
I cannot imagine how a parent's heart must feel. 1 -
mom23mangos wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
I feel your pain and fear. My 25yo STILL feels this way. He’s probably at the best spot he’s been in in over 5 years, but still said if we gave him our blessing he would off himself immediately.
I'm so sorry your son feels this way; hope his life feels brighter in the near future. Has therapy/medications, anything worked to help him?
I cannot imagine how a parent's heart must feel.
He’s tried everything under the sun and has been very proactive with his mental health. He’s tried different meds, different therapists, IOP, deep TMS...the only thing that’s made a significant difference so far has been Ketamine. It’s kept him relatively stable, but he still says he feels like it wouldn’t take much to tip him over the edge.2 -
I was informed tonight that they gave my stepmother a timeline: 2 months.
Her cancer (which is rare and aggressive) has spread to her liver and there is a giant tumor there, there are tumors in her bowels, all of her protein/electrolyte/sodium levels are completely out of whack, her kidneys aren't working properly, food still tastes terrible to her due to chemo and so she isn't eating, which is exacerbating everything.
Her care team can only switch to palliative care now. They want to bring a team in three times a week to help care for her at home, but there's not anything they can do. There are no treatments that will touch what she has.. and so far, I have not seen/heard of any clinical trials that can help her.
My dad will call some experts in a couple of other states tomorrow and see if they have any insight or information on trials that might help her, but honestly, we aren't optimistic anymore. We knew going into this that we were probably only going to be prolonging her life (there is no cure for what she has, just lower dose chemo aimed at keeping it at bay for a period of time).
We were just hoping for a better outcome than this. Certainly more than 2 months.
I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired at this point. 2020 was crap because of the pandemic, family friends dying because of the disease, both of my cats (who I was very close to) dying in the span of a month, my stepmother having her cancer diagnosis.. and everything just continuing to spiral ever downward.7 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »I was informed tonight that they gave my stepmother a timeline: 2 months.
Her cancer (which is rare and aggressive) has spread to her liver and there is a giant tumor there, there are tumors in her bowels, all of her protein/electrolyte/sodium levels are completely out of whack, her kidneys aren't working properly, food still tastes terrible to her due to chemo and so she isn't eating, which is exacerbating everything.
Her care team can only switch to palliative care now. They want to bring a team in three times a week to help care for her at home, but there's not anything they can do. There are no treatments that will touch what she has.. and so far, I have not seen/heard of any clinical trials that can help her.
My dad will call some experts in a couple of other states tomorrow and see if they have any insight or information on trials that might help her, but honestly, we aren't optimistic anymore. We knew going into this that we were probably only going to be prolonging her life (there is no cure for what she has, just lower dose chemo aimed at keeping it at bay for a period of time).
We were just hoping for a better outcome than this. Certainly more than 2 months.
I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired at this point. 2020 was crap because of the pandemic, family friends dying because of the disease, both of my cats (who I was very close to) dying in the span of a month, my stepmother having her cancer diagnosis.. and everything just continuing to spiral ever downward.
Im so sorry you're dealing with such a heavy load, life certainly has chucked everything at you. Biggest of warm hugs to you.. you and your family will need extra strength in the coming months.1 -
@KosmosKitten
Hugs and prayers to you and your family. It's the worst when you know there's nothing else to be done except for comfort. Hope keeps a person going. As a very sweet social worker told my sister, don't think ahead, take each day, live in the moment and do the best you can, enjoy every moment you can with that person. 
I'm so sorry the news wasn't better. 2 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »I was informed tonight that they gave my stepmother a timeline: 2 months.
Her cancer (which is rare and aggressive) has spread to her liver and there is a giant tumor there, there are tumors in her bowels, all of her protein/electrolyte/sodium levels are completely out of whack, her kidneys aren't working properly, food still tastes terrible to her due to chemo and so she isn't eating, which is exacerbating everything.
Her care team can only switch to palliative care now. They want to bring a team in three times a week to help care for her at home, but there's not anything they can do. There are no treatments that will touch what she has.. and so far, I have not seen/heard of any clinical trials that can help her.
My dad will call some experts in a couple of other states tomorrow and see if they have any insight or information on trials that might help her, but honestly, we aren't optimistic anymore. We knew going into this that we were probably only going to be prolonging her life (there is no cure for what she has, just lower dose chemo aimed at keeping it at bay for a period of time).
We were just hoping for a better outcome than this. Certainly more than 2 months.
I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired at this point. 2020 was crap because of the pandemic, family friends dying because of the disease, both of my cats (who I was very close to) dying in the span of a month, my stepmother having her cancer diagnosis.. and everything just continuing to spiral ever downward.
My heart hurts for you and your family. That is really hard news to hear and try to wrap your brain around.
Be kind to yourself right now, you have been through so much recently it is no wonder you are tired. I wish I had magic words to give you to take some of the hurt away.1 -
@KosmosKitten Sending you love. I am so very sad to read this and my heart aches for you and your family. There are no words that can take away the pain of what's happened, or of what's coming... just know that you are loved and there are so many people who care for you. It really has been a crap year.
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You ever question why you're here, what's your purpose in life?
I truly feel that we're here to support each other, for others to lean on in times of need, and to help each other get through the tough times of life.
I hope everyone here finds strength and courage by sharing their tough times with the people in your life and with us here. Sometimes it does feel as if the load lightens just enough that you can make it through to another day.
Stay strong and positive. And when you're not feeling it, come and share your stories and feelings.
And a person never knows how their experiences through their own hard times will come into play in helping others through similar circumstances.10 -
Part of me wishes I never would have found this thread and another part of me is glad that I did read the last few pages.
@KickassAmazon76, @KosmosKitten, @ReenieHJ, @Miss_Chiev0us, @jjpptt2, @_sw33tpp3a_11 please know that you are in our thoughts.5 -
She's not improving. Dad has informed me that the efforts to stabilize her proteins and sodium aren't doing as they are intended and that my stepmother is not exactly conscious right now. The care team has had to ask my father for guidance on what they'd like to do as she is not awake enough to respond. So my dad is over there, alone.. dealing with everything.
He spends every day during the entire visiting period with her. He only leaves because they kick him out at the end of (often times well after visiting hours have ended) the day. He's told me in a message what's going on because it's too difficult to discuss over the phone. I get it.
So knowing that, I left him a message to read at the end of today. I told him to contact me when either he or the care team thinks I should return home. I will rent a car and go. My husband has already told me he has plenty of leave going to waste he could put in for and that he and Sebastian (our son) could just hang out, so I don't have to worry about them (outside of maybe them living on a bachelor diet for a month). I just really want to be there. I feel it deep down in my soul (if people actually have them), that it's where I need to be. I just know that talking on the phone is really, really hard right now. And I'd rather be there for them in person.
I'll work out the ins and outs of our cross-country move later when I have actual information about when they'll let us leave and apply for a moving truck or access funds to aid that.
Things are just.. tough right now.9 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »She's not improving. Dad has informed me that the efforts to stabilize her proteins and sodium aren't doing as they are intended and that my stepmother is not exactly conscious right now. The care team has had to ask my father for guidance on what they'd like to do as she is not awake enough to respond. So my dad is over there, alone.. dealing with everything.
He spends every day during the entire visiting period with her. He only leaves because they kick him out at the end of (often times well after visiting hours have ended) the day. He's told me in a message what's going on because it's too difficult to discuss over the phone. I get it.
So knowing that, I left him a message to read at the end of today. I told him to contact me when either he or the care team thinks I should return home. I will rent a car and go. My husband has already told me he has plenty of leave going to waste he could put in for and that he and Sebastian (our son) could just hang out, so I don't have to worry about them (outside of maybe them living on a bachelor diet for a month). I just really want to be there. I feel it deep down in my soul (if people actually have them), that it's where I need to be. I just know that talking on the phone is really, really hard right now. And I'd rather be there for them in person.
I'll work out the ins and outs of our cross-country move later when I have actual information about when they'll let us leave and apply for a moving truck or access funds to aid that.
Things are just.. tough right now.
You are a great daughter for wanting to be there - your love and concern for your family is obvious. Sending good thoughts your way.
My husband goes in for surgery tomorrow to try to shrink the tumor on his liver and it is killing me that the hospital will not let me be with him at all (I'll get him checked in and then they make me leave). He needs me right now.8 -
@RAinWA You and your dh will be in my thoughts and prayers. Covid really is a terrible thing in many ways and not being able to go with dh is definitely one of them. {{HUGS}} to you guys and please keep us updated.
Thanks Reenie! Everything went well and I'm just waiting to go get him from the hospital. I swear hospitals run on totally different time from the rest of the world.2 -
Good news and I bet your relief is profound!! Hope it was successful. You're not having an easy time of things. 1
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Part of me wishes I never would have found this thread and another part of me is glad that I did read the last few pages.
@KickassAmazon76, @KosmosKitten, @ReenieHJ, @Miss_Chiev0us, @jjpptt2, @_sw33tpp3a_11 please know that you are in our thoughts.
Just seeing this now. A part of me always wishes I didn't share so much in here, although I choose to not share much in here anymore I'm hoping that maybe some of the things I've shared can inspire others and make them see how precious life is. As for the few others in these forums that's made me feel like *kitten* about sharing it, I hope they never have to go through what I've been through.5 -
@Miss_Chiev0us_
I cannot wrap my head around the motives behind *anyone* making you feel like *kitten* for posting about what you've gone through. You are definitely an inspiration to many and a wonderful model of how to handle bad things. If everyone could be as strong as you have shown to be......7 -
@Miss_Chiev0us_
I cannot wrap my head around the motives behind *anyone* making you feel like *kitten* for posting about what you've gone through. You are definitely an inspiration to many and a wonderful model of how to handle bad things. If everyone could be as strong as you have shown to be......
Thank you hun 🤗 sometimes I've acted strong when I really wasn't but I'm stronger than ever now ❤
The internet can be a cruel place and I've learned a few lessons over the years. Imagine fighting for your life and also posting pictures being bald and having people disagreeing with it and laughing at you. Sure made me see how inhuman some people can be but also made me happy I'm not like that. I still stuck around and I'm happy I did because I've meet some amazing people along the way. Sometimes this place was all I had to express myself. Keeping my stories for my profile now and sharing things there instead ❤7
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