Serious/heavy/deep/real stuff
Replies
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mom23mangos wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »Yesterday my youngest talked a fair bit about how they wish their life would end. They feel like life is just not worth living. There is too much struggle, too much unhappiness. They feel that it's not fair that in order for them to end their misery, they would bring pain to the ones who would be left behind, and they can't handle that idea, so they'll just keep living... but they really don't want to.
They are on meds and going through therapy, but there are days when I feel like the risk is very real that I'll be saying goodbye to my baby long before I am ready. And it terrifies the hell out of me. We have the crisis lines, we talk openly about it, I'm doing everything I can to get them help. I just hope it's enough.
I feel your pain and fear. My 25yo STILL feels this way. He’s probably at the best spot he’s been in in over 5 years, but still said if we gave him our blessing he would off himself immediately.
I'm so sorry your son feels this way; hope his life feels brighter in the near future. Has therapy/medications, anything worked to help him?
I cannot imagine how a parent's heart must feel.
He’s tried everything under the sun and has been very proactive with his mental health. He’s tried different meds, different therapists, IOP, deep TMS...the only thing that’s made a significant difference so far has been Ketamine. It’s kept him relatively stable, but he still says he feels like it wouldn’t take much to tip him over the edge.2 -
I was informed tonight that they gave my stepmother a timeline: 2 months.
Her cancer (which is rare and aggressive) has spread to her liver and there is a giant tumor there, there are tumors in her bowels, all of her protein/electrolyte/sodium levels are completely out of whack, her kidneys aren't working properly, food still tastes terrible to her due to chemo and so she isn't eating, which is exacerbating everything.
Her care team can only switch to palliative care now. They want to bring a team in three times a week to help care for her at home, but there's not anything they can do. There are no treatments that will touch what she has.. and so far, I have not seen/heard of any clinical trials that can help her.
My dad will call some experts in a couple of other states tomorrow and see if they have any insight or information on trials that might help her, but honestly, we aren't optimistic anymore. We knew going into this that we were probably only going to be prolonging her life (there is no cure for what she has, just lower dose chemo aimed at keeping it at bay for a period of time).
We were just hoping for a better outcome than this. Certainly more than 2 months.
I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired at this point. 2020 was crap because of the pandemic, family friends dying because of the disease, both of my cats (who I was very close to) dying in the span of a month, my stepmother having her cancer diagnosis.. and everything just continuing to spiral ever downward.7 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »I was informed tonight that they gave my stepmother a timeline: 2 months.
Her cancer (which is rare and aggressive) has spread to her liver and there is a giant tumor there, there are tumors in her bowels, all of her protein/electrolyte/sodium levels are completely out of whack, her kidneys aren't working properly, food still tastes terrible to her due to chemo and so she isn't eating, which is exacerbating everything.
Her care team can only switch to palliative care now. They want to bring a team in three times a week to help care for her at home, but there's not anything they can do. There are no treatments that will touch what she has.. and so far, I have not seen/heard of any clinical trials that can help her.
My dad will call some experts in a couple of other states tomorrow and see if they have any insight or information on trials that might help her, but honestly, we aren't optimistic anymore. We knew going into this that we were probably only going to be prolonging her life (there is no cure for what she has, just lower dose chemo aimed at keeping it at bay for a period of time).
We were just hoping for a better outcome than this. Certainly more than 2 months.
I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired at this point. 2020 was crap because of the pandemic, family friends dying because of the disease, both of my cats (who I was very close to) dying in the span of a month, my stepmother having her cancer diagnosis.. and everything just continuing to spiral ever downward.
Im so sorry you're dealing with such a heavy load, life certainly has chucked everything at you. Biggest of warm hugs to you.. you and your family will need extra strength in the coming months.1 -
@KosmosKitten
Hugs and prayers to you and your family. It's the worst when you know there's nothing else to be done except for comfort. Hope keeps a person going. As a very sweet social worker told my sister, don't think ahead, take each day, live in the moment and do the best you can, enjoy every moment you can with that person. 
I'm so sorry the news wasn't better. 2 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »I was informed tonight that they gave my stepmother a timeline: 2 months.
Her cancer (which is rare and aggressive) has spread to her liver and there is a giant tumor there, there are tumors in her bowels, all of her protein/electrolyte/sodium levels are completely out of whack, her kidneys aren't working properly, food still tastes terrible to her due to chemo and so she isn't eating, which is exacerbating everything.
Her care team can only switch to palliative care now. They want to bring a team in three times a week to help care for her at home, but there's not anything they can do. There are no treatments that will touch what she has.. and so far, I have not seen/heard of any clinical trials that can help her.
My dad will call some experts in a couple of other states tomorrow and see if they have any insight or information on trials that might help her, but honestly, we aren't optimistic anymore. We knew going into this that we were probably only going to be prolonging her life (there is no cure for what she has, just lower dose chemo aimed at keeping it at bay for a period of time).
We were just hoping for a better outcome than this. Certainly more than 2 months.
I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired at this point. 2020 was crap because of the pandemic, family friends dying because of the disease, both of my cats (who I was very close to) dying in the span of a month, my stepmother having her cancer diagnosis.. and everything just continuing to spiral ever downward.
My heart hurts for you and your family. That is really hard news to hear and try to wrap your brain around.
Be kind to yourself right now, you have been through so much recently it is no wonder you are tired. I wish I had magic words to give you to take some of the hurt away.1 -
@KosmosKitten Sending you love. I am so very sad to read this and my heart aches for you and your family. There are no words that can take away the pain of what's happened, or of what's coming... just know that you are loved and there are so many people who care for you. It really has been a crap year.
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You ever question why you're here, what's your purpose in life?
I truly feel that we're here to support each other, for others to lean on in times of need, and to help each other get through the tough times of life.
I hope everyone here finds strength and courage by sharing their tough times with the people in your life and with us here. Sometimes it does feel as if the load lightens just enough that you can make it through to another day.
Stay strong and positive. And when you're not feeling it, come and share your stories and feelings.
And a person never knows how their experiences through their own hard times will come into play in helping others through similar circumstances.10 -
Part of me wishes I never would have found this thread and another part of me is glad that I did read the last few pages.
@KickassAmazon76, @KosmosKitten, @ReenieHJ, @Miss_Chiev0us, @jjpptt2, @_sw33tpp3a_11 please know that you are in our thoughts.5 -
She's not improving. Dad has informed me that the efforts to stabilize her proteins and sodium aren't doing as they are intended and that my stepmother is not exactly conscious right now. The care team has had to ask my father for guidance on what they'd like to do as she is not awake enough to respond. So my dad is over there, alone.. dealing with everything.
He spends every day during the entire visiting period with her. He only leaves because they kick him out at the end of (often times well after visiting hours have ended) the day. He's told me in a message what's going on because it's too difficult to discuss over the phone. I get it.
So knowing that, I left him a message to read at the end of today. I told him to contact me when either he or the care team thinks I should return home. I will rent a car and go. My husband has already told me he has plenty of leave going to waste he could put in for and that he and Sebastian (our son) could just hang out, so I don't have to worry about them (outside of maybe them living on a bachelor diet for a month). I just really want to be there. I feel it deep down in my soul (if people actually have them), that it's where I need to be. I just know that talking on the phone is really, really hard right now. And I'd rather be there for them in person.
I'll work out the ins and outs of our cross-country move later when I have actual information about when they'll let us leave and apply for a moving truck or access funds to aid that.
Things are just.. tough right now.9 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »She's not improving. Dad has informed me that the efforts to stabilize her proteins and sodium aren't doing as they are intended and that my stepmother is not exactly conscious right now. The care team has had to ask my father for guidance on what they'd like to do as she is not awake enough to respond. So my dad is over there, alone.. dealing with everything.
He spends every day during the entire visiting period with her. He only leaves because they kick him out at the end of (often times well after visiting hours have ended) the day. He's told me in a message what's going on because it's too difficult to discuss over the phone. I get it.
So knowing that, I left him a message to read at the end of today. I told him to contact me when either he or the care team thinks I should return home. I will rent a car and go. My husband has already told me he has plenty of leave going to waste he could put in for and that he and Sebastian (our son) could just hang out, so I don't have to worry about them (outside of maybe them living on a bachelor diet for a month). I just really want to be there. I feel it deep down in my soul (if people actually have them), that it's where I need to be. I just know that talking on the phone is really, really hard right now. And I'd rather be there for them in person.
I'll work out the ins and outs of our cross-country move later when I have actual information about when they'll let us leave and apply for a moving truck or access funds to aid that.
Things are just.. tough right now.
You are a great daughter for wanting to be there - your love and concern for your family is obvious. Sending good thoughts your way.
My husband goes in for surgery tomorrow to try to shrink the tumor on his liver and it is killing me that the hospital will not let me be with him at all (I'll get him checked in and then they make me leave). He needs me right now.8 -
@RAinWA You and your dh will be in my thoughts and prayers. Covid really is a terrible thing in many ways and not being able to go with dh is definitely one of them. {{HUGS}} to you guys and please keep us updated.
Thanks Reenie! Everything went well and I'm just waiting to go get him from the hospital. I swear hospitals run on totally different time from the rest of the world.2 -
Good news and I bet your relief is profound!! Hope it was successful. You're not having an easy time of things. 1
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Part of me wishes I never would have found this thread and another part of me is glad that I did read the last few pages.
@KickassAmazon76, @KosmosKitten, @ReenieHJ, @Miss_Chiev0us, @jjpptt2, @_sw33tpp3a_11 please know that you are in our thoughts.
Just seeing this now. A part of me always wishes I didn't share so much in here, although I choose to not share much in here anymore I'm hoping that maybe some of the things I've shared can inspire others and make them see how precious life is. As for the few others in these forums that's made me feel like *kitten* about sharing it, I hope they never have to go through what I've been through.5 -
@Miss_Chiev0us_
I cannot wrap my head around the motives behind *anyone* making you feel like *kitten* for posting about what you've gone through. You are definitely an inspiration to many and a wonderful model of how to handle bad things. If everyone could be as strong as you have shown to be......7 -
@Miss_Chiev0us_
I cannot wrap my head around the motives behind *anyone* making you feel like *kitten* for posting about what you've gone through. You are definitely an inspiration to many and a wonderful model of how to handle bad things. If everyone could be as strong as you have shown to be......
Thank you hun 🤗 sometimes I've acted strong when I really wasn't but I'm stronger than ever now ❤
The internet can be a cruel place and I've learned a few lessons over the years. Imagine fighting for your life and also posting pictures being bald and having people disagreeing with it and laughing at you. Sure made me see how inhuman some people can be but also made me happy I'm not like that. I still stuck around and I'm happy I did because I've meet some amazing people along the way. Sometimes this place was all I had to express myself. Keeping my stories for my profile now and sharing things there instead ❤7 -
Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »@Miss_Chiev0us_
I cannot wrap my head around the motives behind *anyone* making you feel like *kitten* for posting about what you've gone through. You are definitely an inspiration to many and a wonderful model of how to handle bad things. If everyone could be as strong as you have shown to be......
Thank you hun 🤗 sometimes I've acted strong when I really wasn't but I'm stronger than ever now ❤
The internet can be a cruel place and I've learned a few lessons over the years. Imagine fighting for your life and also posting pictures being bald and having people disagreeing with it and laughing at you. Sure made me see how inhuman some people can be but also made me happy I'm not like that. I still stuck around and I'm happy I did because I've meet some amazing people along the way. Sometimes this place was all I had to express myself. Keeping my stories for my profile now and sharing things there instead ❤
I have come to realize that some people are just awful human beings and the internet just gives them cover to do and say things that they would never be brave enough to say in person. What sad lives they must lead. I always pray for people who have been awful to me because I really hope they find peace in their soul and not need to spew venom to make themselves feel better.
And shame on anyone who tries to make you feel anything other than proud of coming through all you have a stronger and more wonderful woman than ever.
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Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »@Miss_Chiev0us_
I cannot wrap my head around the motives behind *anyone* making you feel like *kitten* for posting about what you've gone through. You are definitely an inspiration to many and a wonderful model of how to handle bad things. If everyone could be as strong as you have shown to be......
The internet can be a cruel place and I've learned a few lessons over the years. Imagine fighting for your life and also posting pictures being bald and having people disagreeing with it and laughing at you. Sure made me see how inhuman some people can be but also made me happy I'm not like that. I still stuck around and I'm happy I did because I've meet some amazing people along the way. Sometimes this place was all I had to express myself. Keeping my stories for my profile now and sharing things there instead ❤
I can't fathom the lack of compassion and empathy it takes for someone to do this. I was going to quote @RAinWA about the people hiding behind their screens but I would have had to edit out the praying for them part because she's a much better woman than I am.
Whatever happened to the old adage "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? Or am I showing my age there?
I'm glad you had the strength to stick around. So many people would have shut down and bailed.7 -
Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »@Miss_Chiev0us_
I cannot wrap my head around the motives behind *anyone* making you feel like *kitten* for posting about what you've gone through. You are definitely an inspiration to many and a wonderful model of how to handle bad things. If everyone could be as strong as you have shown to be......
The internet can be a cruel place and I've learned a few lessons over the years. Imagine fighting for your life and also posting pictures being bald and having people disagreeing with it and laughing at you. Sure made me see how inhuman some people can be but also made me happy I'm not like that. I still stuck around and I'm happy I did because I've meet some amazing people along the way. Sometimes this place was all I had to express myself. Keeping my stories for my profile now and sharing things there instead ❤
I can't fathom the lack of compassion and empathy it takes for someone to do this. I was going to quote @RAinWA about the people hiding behind their screens but I would have had to edit out the praying for them part because she's a much better woman than I am.
Whatever happened to the old adage "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? Or am I showing my age there?
I'm glad you had the strength to stick around. So many people would have shut down and bailed.
Nah, not better. I mostly do it for my own peace of mind - it's a way to let it go and not carry it around. And maybe it will help them. Can't hurt, might help.
I am amazed constantly at people's lack on sensitivity and empathy. I told one of my sisters that my husband was starting radiation again because a lot of new brain tumors have shown up and she actually said "at least you'll be a young widow." And then laughed. Who says crap like that? I don't think I'll be talking to her again for a very long time.7 -
Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »@Miss_Chiev0us_
I cannot wrap my head around the motives behind *anyone* making you feel like *kitten* for posting about what you've gone through. You are definitely an inspiration to many and a wonderful model of how to handle bad things. If everyone could be as strong as you have shown to be......
Thank you hun 🤗 sometimes I've acted strong when I really wasn't but I'm stronger than ever now ❤
The internet can be a cruel place and I've learned a few lessons over the years. Imagine fighting for your life and also posting pictures being bald and having people disagreeing with it and laughing at you. Sure made me see how inhuman some people can be but also made me happy I'm not like that. I still stuck around and I'm happy I did because I've meet some amazing people along the way. Sometimes this place was all I had to express myself. Keeping my stories for my profile now and sharing things there instead ❤
I haven't been checking my friends' profiles out much lately; haven't been spending as much time on MFP for some reason.
BUT I just wanted to say I'm glad you've stuck around.
@RAinWA I swear some people lack any kind of moral code or filter of any kind. Really, who says something like that??
The both of you are in my thoughts because I know life can be a challenge for you wonderful ladies.2 -
Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »@Miss_Chiev0us_
I cannot wrap my head around the motives behind *anyone* making you feel like *kitten* for posting about what you've gone through. You are definitely an inspiration to many and a wonderful model of how to handle bad things. If everyone could be as strong as you have shown to be......
The internet can be a cruel place and I've learned a few lessons over the years. Imagine fighting for your life and also posting pictures being bald and having people disagreeing with it and laughing at you. Sure made me see how inhuman some people can be but also made me happy I'm not like that. I still stuck around and I'm happy I did because I've meet some amazing people along the way. Sometimes this place was all I had to express myself. Keeping my stories for my profile now and sharing things there instead ❤
I can't fathom the lack of compassion and empathy it takes for someone to do this. I was going to quote @RAinWA about the people hiding behind their screens but I would have had to edit out the praying for them part because she's a much better woman than I am.
Whatever happened to the old adage "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? Or am I showing my age there?
I'm glad you had the strength to stick around. So many people would have shut down and bailed.
Nah, not better. I mostly do it for my own peace of mind - it's a way to let it go and not carry it around. And maybe it will help them. Can't hurt, might help.
This is a really good approach for me to keep in mind when I'm stewing over stuff.I am amazed constantly at people's lack on sensitivity and empathy. I told one of my sisters that my husband was starting radiation again because a lot of new brain tumors have shown up and she actually said "at least you'll be a young widow." And then laughed. Who says crap like that? I don't think I'll be talking to her again for a very long time.
Good Lord. That is so completely crass and appalling.
Can you get a DNA test done to verify she's actually related to you?
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@Miss_Chiev0us_
I am amazed constantly at people's lack on sensitivity and empathy. I told one of my sisters that my husband was starting radiation again because a lot of new brain tumors have shown up and she actually said "at least you'll be a young widow." And then laughed. Who says crap like that? I don't think I'll be talking to her again for a very long time.
Like seriously WTF?!? I mean giving her the best of intentions she was trying to lift the mood, but who would ever think a wife would find that funny? I’m so sorry you got that response from a family member. It really is better sometimes to reach out to strangers.2 -
Thanks all for understanding why that upset me. This particular sister is known for her totally inappropriate comments and lack of filters. Usually I can laugh it off but this was so totally awful especially since she lost her husband three years ago and I expected a little more empathy from her.
The idea of getting a DNA test made me laugh. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure she's related.4 -
Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »Part of me wishes I never would have found this thread and another part of me is glad that I did read the last few pages.
@KickassAmazon76, @KosmosKitten, @ReenieHJ, @Miss_Chiev0us, @jjpptt2, @_sw33tpp3a_11 please know that you are in our thoughts.
Just seeing this now. A part of me always wishes I didn't share so much in here, although I choose to not share much in here anymore I'm hoping that maybe some of the things I've shared can inspire others and make them see how precious life is. As for the few others in these forums that's made me feel like *kitten* about sharing it, I hope they never have to go through what I've been through.
I wasn't trying to make you feel like *kitten* for sharing. Ugh. Sorry.2 -
Thanks all for understanding why that upset me. This particular sister is known for her totally inappropriate comments and lack of filters. Usually I can laugh it off but this was so totally awful especially since she lost her husband three years ago and I expected a little more empathy from her.
The idea of getting a DNA test made me laugh. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure she's related.
As we like to say, you get to choose your friends, not your family and often our friends act more like family than our actual family.1 -
Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »Part of me wishes I never would have found this thread and another part of me is glad that I did read the last few pages.
@KickassAmazon76, @KosmosKitten, @ReenieHJ, @Miss_Chiev0us, @jjpptt2, @_sw33tpp3a_11 please know that you are in our thoughts.
Just seeing this now. A part of me always wishes I didn't share so much in here, although I choose to not share much in here anymore I'm hoping that maybe some of the things I've shared can inspire others and make them see how precious life is. As for the few others in these forums that's made me feel like *kitten* about sharing it, I hope they never have to go through what I've been through.
I wasn't trying to make you feel like *kitten* for sharing. Ugh. Sorry.
Oh my gosh, not at all! I'm sorry you understood it that way. It wasn't aimed at you ❤ I was just speaking of past experiences. I appreciated your kind words 😊2 -
Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »@Miss_Chiev0us_
I cannot wrap my head around the motives behind *anyone* making you feel like *kitten* for posting about what you've gone through. You are definitely an inspiration to many and a wonderful model of how to handle bad things. If everyone could be as strong as you have shown to be......
The internet can be a cruel place and I've learned a few lessons over the years. Imagine fighting for your life and also posting pictures being bald and having people disagreeing with it and laughing at you. Sure made me see how inhuman some people can be but also made me happy I'm not like that. I still stuck around and I'm happy I did because I've meet some amazing people along the way. Sometimes this place was all I had to express myself. Keeping my stories for my profile now and sharing things there instead ❤
I can't fathom the lack of compassion and empathy it takes for someone to do this. I was going to quote @RAinWA about the people hiding behind their screens but I would have had to edit out the praying for them part because she's a much better woman than I am.
Whatever happened to the old adage "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? Or am I showing my age there?
I'm glad you had the strength to stick around. So many people would have shut down and bailed.
Nah, not better. I mostly do it for my own peace of mind - it's a way to let it go and not carry it around. And maybe it will help them. Can't hurt, might help.
I am amazed constantly at people's lack on sensitivity and empathy. I told one of my sisters that my husband was starting radiation again because a lot of new brain tumors have shown up and she actually said "at least you'll be a young widow." And then laughed. Who says crap like that? I don't think I'll be talking to her again for a very long time.
WTF is wrong with people? I wouldn't be talking to her... ever (assuming I can avoid it). Holy yikes. 1 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »@Miss_Chiev0us_
I cannot wrap my head around the motives behind *anyone* making you feel like *kitten* for posting about what you've gone through. You are definitely an inspiration to many and a wonderful model of how to handle bad things. If everyone could be as strong as you have shown to be......
The internet can be a cruel place and I've learned a few lessons over the years. Imagine fighting for your life and also posting pictures being bald and having people disagreeing with it and laughing at you. Sure made me see how inhuman some people can be but also made me happy I'm not like that. I still stuck around and I'm happy I did because I've meet some amazing people along the way. Sometimes this place was all I had to express myself. Keeping my stories for my profile now and sharing things there instead ❤
I can't fathom the lack of compassion and empathy it takes for someone to do this. I was going to quote @RAinWA about the people hiding behind their screens but I would have had to edit out the praying for them part because she's a much better woman than I am.
Whatever happened to the old adage "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? Or am I showing my age there?
I'm glad you had the strength to stick around. So many people would have shut down and bailed.
Nah, not better. I mostly do it for my own peace of mind - it's a way to let it go and not carry it around. And maybe it will help them. Can't hurt, might help.
I am amazed constantly at people's lack on sensitivity and empathy. I told one of my sisters that my husband was starting radiation again because a lot of new brain tumors have shown up and she actually said "at least you'll be a young widow." And then laughed. Who says crap like that? I don't think I'll be talking to her again for a very long time. WTF is wrong with people? I wouldn't be talking to her... ever (assuming I can avoid it). Holy yikes.
She has been delegated to the list of people one of my other sisters is in charge of updating. There are some people I just can't deal with right now.6 -
Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »@Miss_Chiev0us_
I cannot wrap my head around the motives behind *anyone* making you feel like *kitten* for posting about what you've gone through. You are definitely an inspiration to many and a wonderful model of how to handle bad things. If everyone could be as strong as you have shown to be......
Thank you hun 🤗 sometimes I've acted strong when I really wasn't but I'm stronger than ever now ❤
The internet can be a cruel place and I've learned a few lessons over the years. Imagine fighting for your life and also posting pictures being bald and having people disagreeing with it and laughing at you. Sure made me see how inhuman some people can be but also made me happy I'm not like that. I still stuck around and I'm happy I did because I've meet some amazing people along the way. Sometimes this place was all I had to express myself. Keeping my stories for my profile now and sharing things there instead ❤Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »@Miss_Chiev0us_
I cannot wrap my head around the motives behind *anyone* making you feel like *kitten* for posting about what you've gone through. You are definitely an inspiration to many and a wonderful model of how to handle bad things. If everyone could be as strong as you have shown to be......
The internet can be a cruel place and I've learned a few lessons over the years. Imagine fighting for your life and also posting pictures being bald and having people disagreeing with it and laughing at you. Sure made me see how inhuman some people can be but also made me happy I'm not like that. I still stuck around and I'm happy I did because I've meet some amazing people along the way. Sometimes this place was all I had to express myself. Keeping my stories for my profile now and sharing things there instead ❤
I can't fathom the lack of compassion and empathy it takes for someone to do this. I was going to quote @RAinWA about the people hiding behind their screens but I would have had to edit out the praying for them part because she's a much better woman than I am.
Whatever happened to the old adage "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? Or am I showing my age there?
I'm glad you had the strength to stick around. So many people would have shut down and bailed.
Nah, not better. I mostly do it for my own peace of mind - it's a way to let it go and not carry it around. And maybe it will help them. Can't hurt, might help.
I am amazed constantly at people's lack on sensitivity and empathy. I told one of my sisters that my husband was starting radiation again because a lot of new brain tumors have shown up and she actually said "at least you'll be a young widow." And then laughed. Who says crap like that? I don't think I'll be talking to her again for a very long time.
This made me cry! I’m so sorry, you shouldn’t have to deal with any of that.❤️4 -
I just need space to just dump... I don't want to complain, but kind of need to. I am just so freaking exhausted and need a break so badly.My youngest is still suffering from anxiety / depression / self harm ideation. I am constantly looking for sharps, and signs that he's cut himself again. We have therapists and support groups and medicaiton... but each day is a crap shoot as to whether it's going to be a good day or a bad one... and as soon as I start thinking that maybe things are better, they go south fast. I have been on the edge of requesting they treat him as an inpatient for a while in the hopes that they can help him cope with all the feelings he has, but I know that if I do that, there could be a host of other complications that come from it. Being transmasculine is horribly hard for him, the dysphoria is brutal and a constant source of pain for him. He's tired of feeling horrible, of being harassed at school, and just wishes it would all end. I am always waiting for the next bad episode, and feeling like every day is a pop quiz that could be fatal if I get it wrong. (Is today the day he tries to kill himself? Is today the day I need to admit him?)
Physically, I have an abscess on my tooth that is causing a decent amount of pain... I"m on antibiotics which are messing up my system (which in turn aggravates my adenomyosis and causes utering cramping and back pain), I am on T3s to manage the tooth pain, but those are also aggravating my stomach issues. If I don't take the meds, the pain in my face is very unpleasant (barely manageable) and my ears wont stop ringing. I don't see my dentist unitl May 6, and it'll likely be for a root canal.
I have an issue in my neck and in my hip that is impeding my ability to lift heavy, and that is one of the few ways I feel any release from all the stress. Not to mention, they also hurt like hell. I can't afford to lose more time to PT or massage to treat those because of all the time lost due to my kids and pets.
My senior kitty is sick, possibly very sick, so I had to take her to the vets for hundreds of dollars worth of tests today, and I'm scared the prognosis is terminal.
I am going through legal expenses trying to get official custody of my kids, which is both spendy and stressful.
Covid has us on another lockdown, so we can't see anyone. I am dating someone, but because I have my kids full time, I rarely get to see him, and now with new restrictions, it's against the health orders, so in order to see him I have to break the law. Plus my youngest doesn't want me dating, and doesn't want him at the house, so when I DO see him, it's for very short bits of time.
My job is stressful. My house is a disaster and in general, it feels like I get dealt blow after blow after blow.
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of constantly having something new to deal with and I just want to cry all the damn time. I am having a hell of a time focusing, not eating my feelings, and staying motivated to slay in the gym.
Now that the kids are here full time, and they do NOT want to spend time with their dad, so I never get a break. Even my parents are a no go because of a) covid and b) they constantly misgender/deadname my youngest, so he doesn't want to spend any time with them.
sigh15
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