The Sober Squad- Alcohol Free Living

Damn! I did it again. I drank another bunch of wine last night. Horrible idea- woke with a hangover. Lucky me. So, I read the writing on the wall. This is turning into the usual thing. So, I just sent an email to Women for Sobriety about their local meeting this Wed. I"m really excited. Got to get that dopamine kick from trying something new - a new program. I'll let you know how it goes.

Hello...I'm Ba-a-a-a-ack!

The following LONG blurb is a page out of my current book that I am in the process of writing (I am seriously writing a book):

Just a little Major life change for me in the past couple of weeks. I have been involved in a mainstream religious cult for the past 25 years and have been slowly awakening over the recent past couple of years, in particular, since I have been dealing with other traumas from my past. I was a shining star for a number of years and was in deep. My mind & heart were captivated by the picture that was painted initially when they first began to recruit me and then from there I squished my doubts through food and then alcohol and ignored my gut with much help from those who wanted to keep me in the "fold." Through this my budding alcohol issue grew to become a daily dependence and now I see, with eyes wide open, the role that this new trauma played in my decline. THANK GOD (I actually don't even know what I believe any longer in that sense, but that's ok. In time, I will work all that out, but for now I can't even pick up a Bible and I still pray randomly out of habit really feeling there is a force/Creator but can't even go there right now ~ I'll work all that out on my own time, in my own way)

I AM FREE!! But it is not without some stress of making it very clear to these people (some who I grew to like over my time with them) that they need to stop harassing me to come back via text/phone calls/uninvited visits. THIS is their M.O. when someone wakes up and needs to get clear of them. Long-story short I ended up calling our local law to ask for help in breaking free from this group. The police were very concerned and helpful. I assured them I am not 'afraid' of these people in the sense of they won't hurt me or kill me lol BUT I do not want the continual harassment from them...I expected some 'love-bombing' but when I was bombarded yesterday, which built up over the past few days, I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack and just started bawling...that's when I decided to get some help. I need to begin my healing & deprogramming process and the drama of warding off their invasive tactics will only delay my impending grief and all that comes with that. This was a big chunk of my life. I was 35 years old and through this I lost close friends and family members because of the indoctrination that began to isolate me from those I loved the most...it's difficult to understand unless a person is in it. Of course, I have a fighting spirit in me that wasn't totally extinguished and so I wasn't a perfect little cult victim because I did keep contact with most of my family, but in a limited way that was part of the ongoing control.

Anyhoo, the point of sharing this latest stressor is connected to my sober state which is still intact thank goodness. It was interesting this time because it was like I was watching my thoughts form about having some wine in the initial stages of my departure from the crazy-train I was riding. My thoughts around having some wine and just observing them, watching them form and watching those thoughts change to another thought as I reasoned it out in my mind. It wasn't as much a craving as it was a thought process as in, "IF I had some wine, no one would fault me for it. IN FACT, they would probably support my 'need' to escape. I could just start over again at some point, blah blah blah, everyone would totally understand" BUT, It seemed as fast as the thoughts came, they also left because I had decided that I can drink whenever I want, but for now, drinking would be the WORST thing I could do...not cause of the health affects or any of that or even the slide into oblivion. The thing that concerned me the most was the fear that' if I had some drinks in me, I'd be tempted, and I'd likely cave into calling one of these Narcissistic, hypocritical, manipulative, lying, control-friek A-holes and give them a piece of my mind...THEY do not deserve another piece of my mind cause they stole enough of it. I now have the ongoing work of unscrambling my brain and it will be a huge part of my ongoing trauma work going forward...

What I concluded is that I was ripe for the picking for these people 25 yrs ago at a very vulnerable time in my life and I do not mope over wasting 25 years of my life being controlled because NOTHING IS wasted. The lessons I have and will continue to learn through this are invaluable to my personal growth going forward.

My first journal entry the day I finally come to my decision and said it out loud and shared it with my niece began with "What good has come out of all this?" and my answer is that," I cleaned up my life, and I have become a much better person through all of this," and in spite of all of the trauma I accumulated from being gas-lit regularly and the regular doses of cognitive dissonance that kept me feeling a bit 'crazy' Kinda like, "Is it me or is it them?" Now I KNOW it ain't me!! I'm am done drinking their Kool Aid!! I want to get to a place of compassion for those who are still stuck in it and may likely be for the rest of their life OR until this corrupt organization is taken down, hopefully sooner than later. As for those who are still sipping the Kool Aid, my hope for them is that they wake up and break free from the craziness that they are unwittingly controlled by. Right now I have a lot of anger with layers of hurt, disappointment and and sadness to be quite honest. BUT I AM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! YAY ME!!!!!!!

I feel like I'm coming home to myself. YAY ME

My sister just celebrated 500 days alcohol free in a row. I'm really happy for her! She says to herself I can drink, and then I can throw up. Who wants to throw up?
She nearly died 500 days ago because of that.... nearly asphyxiated.

p.s. My cousin came to a recent party I had; he was out of control. He had not been home for 35 hours before the party; his wife came alone. Then, he stumbled into the party two hours later. Sheepish but not that embarrassed. In his alcoholic haze, he was flirting with my daughter's friend; it was ridiculous. My mom witnessed everything and was really upset about his drinking and behavior. Anyway, I told her we can only control our behavior. I did tell him to stop talking to my daughter's friend.

lorrainequiche59 wrote: »

@Up_n_Running I love butterflies!! What a fitting tattoo for your freedom from alcohol dependence. At least that is what I associate with butterflies ~ Freedom!!

I had a running streak on MFP, I think it was close to 60 days logging when I dropped off the map once again, as in logging my food...my WOE has not changed but I definitely need to log to track my amounts...my weight loss has slowed but it isn't my total focus anyway. I want my numbers to drop re: glucose level in my blood and am getting re-tested once my doc is back from holidays....we shall see if no sugar, wheat/lower carbs will do the trick.

The difference for me this round is I am not beating myself or feeling like a failure because I'm not doing it all perfect! It's ok that I took a detour while I dealt with the immediate "crisis" in my life...Crisis is averted and I am now feeling so much clearer about things. I've connected with a woman who was part of a local polygamous cult for 40 years...through her recovery she wrote a book about her experience and now has speaking engagements to share her story as a warning to others. I have connected with her and she has enlisted the help of a colleague who works in cult recovery. So I am excited to work with these two...couldn't be better timing for me because after I poured myself out in therapy the first session after my defection, My therapist told me she is retiring at the end of this month. And that is ok cause I will be taken care of in the next phase of my journey.

Interestingly, I've had so many good experiences lately and it is like I have my life back only it is a better life being sober!! All of your kind words are part of the latest good experiences...I am SO thankful for all of your support over the years and especially now

It sounds like things are really going well for you. You are smart to get some help and guidance from others who know what you went through in the cult. I'm surprised they gave you to a retiring therapist- but I guess there's a reason for everything. And being sober is a big part of your journey to heal! I'm really happy for you!!

Starting day 577

Hi guys!!! I’m still here and among the living.

Happy Sober Tuesday!!!