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  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,678 Member
    Frompumpkin2cinderella wrote: »
    KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
    Frompumpkin2cinderella wrote: »
    sexual abuse trigger warning⚠️⚠️
    ever since I was born till I was 5 years old,my paternal grandfather used to abuse me by sticking fingers down there and calling me a *kitten*. This continued till he fortunately died when I was 5. I am so *kitten* up. My whole life has gone to waste I feel. I told my dad then he called me a liar and threatened to rape me. I don't talk to half of my family as they're all happy and were never abused by him. I feel resentment towards them although they're not at fault but I feel it's better if I stay away from them. I just wanted to get this off my chest coz I'm at a cousin's wedding who is happy and has found love at 43 and has had a VERY HAPPY life. Traveling the world and having a successful career. Thanks

    My heart breaks for you. You never deserved any of that, and deserved so much better. I cannot begin to imagine the trauma you experienced at the hands of those who were supposed to protect you.

    If you need to stay away, then that's what you need to do. You don't owe them anything, nor do you need to spend time with people who reopen your wounds. Family can be created, with friends who love and support you for who you are right now.

    If you can, perhaps a support group / therapy would be a really good idea. It helps so much to have people in your life who truly understand.

    Much love to you.

    Thank you so much @KickassAmazon76 unfortunately I don't even have friends as I was in bad company when I was in school and terribly bullied from 8th to 10th grade. I jst don't have people who genuinely love me or listen to me when I rant and I LOVE to rave and rant!! Unfortunately I live in a culture(I'm from India) where you're supposed to not lash out or disrespect elders even if they violate your trust and *kitten* your happiness so I guess here I'm ranting to strangers on MFP!!

    Then by all means... Rant away. ❤️ I've been on this site almost ten years now... And made some friends here that, while I have never met them in person, I love em to bits.
  • Sofiapilla
    Sofiapilla Posts: 284 Member
    _sw33tp3a_11 wrote: »
    I'm struggling with so many things at the moment. The other day I spent the whole day crying because I just couldn't deal with it all. The next day I got up and went on with my day and that's what I've been doing. Trying to not breakdown, until I can't hold it anymore.

    This made me tear up. Crushing is the weight of the stoic face.. people have no idea what is happening behind a strong veneer. I hope everything gets better ❤️
  • Mangoperson88
    Mangoperson88 Posts: 339 Member
    Shakashakara wrote: »
    I’m pleasantly surprised to see this thread still going. I was sure it would die off hours after making it. It’s not the usual lighthearted fare of chit chat.

    I’ve wrestled with anxiety and/or depression since 2007. I spent most of that time in denial of my condition and hid behind humor like it was my mom’s skirt or something. I have been on and off meds, but successfully got off meds 2 years ago. Or so I thought. I was so determined to be a ‘happy person’ without meds that I fell into denial again when I was backsliding.

    2021 was my deepest dive into depression yet, and it scared me to see just how robotic and unattached I could become. I ended relationships that were very important to me, not on purpose. I just neglected them to death. Nothing tells your loved ones you care like leaving them on read for 7 months.

    I am medicated again now. Have been for several months. I get excited about small things again. Little chores are no longer difficult. I am enjoying my kids again. But I have this hollow feeling because of the damage I’ve done to the people I cared about. The people who cared about me.

    They have moved on now of course. Life morphs all the time, especially lately. Sometimes I read old texts or messages and relive how close I was with these people who are effectively strangers to me now. I guess it’s my penance for withdrawing in the first place.

    I’m better but not the same, and that’s possibly the cruelest thing about depression. Every time I dip, it affects my relationships. People understand to a point, but how can you really ever care about or trust someone again who has distanced themselves in the first place?

    I hope this doesn’t sound too ‘poor me’, I’m just having a moment. Thanks for listening ❤️

    Hugs to you!! I'm on medication too and it sucks you know?? I'm 33 and everyone my age is getting promotions or getting hitched and I'm walking around like a drugged up zombie. It's like the meds are never going to leave me. I have tried to quit them in the past too to train myself to deal with my life but the relapse is frightening so it's better to accept it as a part of my life!! Is it possible for you to reconnect with your loved ones and explain your situation to them?? I'm sure they'd understand!
  • steelrod1
    steelrod1 Posts: 127 Member
    Shakashakara wrote: »
    I’m pleasantly surprised to see this thread still going. I was sure it would die off hours after making it. It’s not the usual lighthearted fare of chit chat.

    I’ve wrestled with anxiety and/or depression since 2007. I spent most of that time in denial of my condition and hid behind humor like it was my mom’s skirt or something. I have been on and off meds, but successfully got off meds 2 years ago. Or so I thought. I was so determined to be a ‘happy person’ without meds that I fell into denial again when I was backsliding.

    2021 was my deepest dive into depression yet, and it scared me to see just how robotic and unattached I could become. I ended relationships that were very important to me, not on purpose. I just neglected them to death. Nothing tells your loved ones you care like leaving them on read for 7 months.

    I am medicated again now. Have been for several months. I get excited about small things again. Little chores are no longer difficult. I am enjoying my kids again. But I have this hollow feeling because of the damage I’ve done to the people I cared about. The people who cared about me.

    They have moved on now of course. Life morphs all the time, especially lately. Sometimes I read old texts or messages and relive how close I was with these people who are effectively strangers to me now. I guess it’s my penance for withdrawing in the first place.

    I’m better but not the same, and that’s possibly the cruelest thing about depression. Every time I dip, it affects my relationships. People understand to a point, but how can you really ever care about or trust someone again who has distanced themselves in the first place?

    I hope this doesn’t sound too ‘poor me’, I’m just having a moment. Thanks for listening ❤️

    Hey thanks for sharing. This was the closest description to my life I've encountered. The struggle continues, I don't prefer to medicate tried it once and zombie is a good description. So nope I don't partake. I've been searching for answers for a decade and really don't trust anyone with my thoughts. Just a thing, guess that's why I live alone now. Hang in there we can make it happen. Keep on keeping on.
  • RAinWA
    RAinWA Posts: 1,980 Member
    KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
    RAinWA wrote: »
    I am so darn tired. My husband has had a hard time sleeping at night so the hospice team changed up his medications so he actually slept 7 hours last night (which means I slept 5). I really want a nap but I'm trying to keep up with my job, the pets, the house and everything else.

    I am really grateful we've had more time than the doctor predicted and cherish each day, but this is exhausting. I'm not really complaining, it's just the way things are right now.

    Sending you love. it is exhausting caring for the ones we love, especially when they are in pain. Even though we would (and do) do everything to keep our loved ones around as long as possible, it IS still so very draining. It's not complaining to acknowledge that.

    It is so nice that you get this extra time with him and I hope and pray that you will be gifted with some extra-special moments that you can cherish going forward. I hope that you are able to get some rest when you can, and that there are people that will rise up in your life to help support you, as you support him.

    *hugs*

    Thank you - you are right (as usual).

    I appreciate all the prayers and good thoughts being sent our way. They really do help!
  • Sofiapilla
    Sofiapilla Posts: 284 Member
    @Frompumpkin2cinderella wrote: »
    I'm feeling like the most unattractive woman around. There are so many fit beautiful young women around me rn dancing freely and living without any worries. I wish I could dance and be attractive and attract guys to me like them. My fatness is repulsing me. Thanks for letting me vent!!

    I highly recommend you check out an ig page. Scroll through her posts. You will feel very differently about yourself afterwards, I promise. Her name is abirdspapaya
  • Sofiapilla
    Sofiapilla Posts: 284 Member
    steelrod1 wrote: »
    Shakashakara wrote: »
    I’m pleasantly surprised to see this thread still going. I was sure it would die off hours after making it. It’s not the usual lighthearted fare of chit chat.

    I’ve wrestled with anxiety and/or depression since 2007. I spent most of that time in denial of my condition and hid behind humor like it was my mom’s skirt or something. I have been on and off meds, but successfully got off meds 2 years ago. Or so I thought. I was so determined to be a ‘happy person’ without meds that I fell into denial again when I was backsliding.

    2021 was my deepest dive into depression yet, and it scared me to see just how robotic and unattached I could become. I ended relationships that were very important to me, not on purpose. I just neglected them to death. Nothing tells your loved ones you care like leaving them on read for 7 months.

    I am medicated again now. Have been for several months. I get excited about small things again. Little chores are no longer difficult. I am enjoying my kids again. But I have this hollow feeling because of the damage I’ve done to the people I cared about. The people who cared about me.

    They have moved on now of course. Life morphs all the time, especially lately. Sometimes I read old texts or messages and relive how close I was with these people who are effectively strangers to me now. I guess it’s my penance for withdrawing in the first place.

    I’m better but not the same, and that’s possibly the cruelest thing about depression. Every time I dip, it affects my relationships. People understand to a point, but how can you really ever care about or trust someone again who has distanced themselves in the first place?

    I hope this doesn’t sound too ‘poor me’, I’m just having a moment. Thanks for listening ❤️

    Hey thanks for sharing. This was the closest description to my life I've encountered. The struggle continues, I don't prefer to medicate tried it once and zombie is a good description. So nope I don't partake. I've been searching for answers for a decade and really don't trust anyone with my thoughts. Just a thing, guess that's why I live alone now. Hang in there we can make it happen. Keep on keeping on.

    Thanks. I finally found a combination of meds that don’t make me feel apathetic and I’m so much happier for it. I hope you find the answers you’re looking for.
  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,724 Member
    Frompumpkin2cinderella wrote: »
    I'm feeling like the most unattractive woman around. There are so many fit beautiful young women around me rn dancing freely and living without any worries. I wish I could dance and be attractive and attract guys to me like them. My fatness is repulsing me. Thanks for letting me vent!!

    Why do we do this? I do the same thing; compare myself to others and come out way down on the scale, which only makes everything worse.

    My sister constantly puts herself down in every possible way, and I've told her countless times I wish she could see herself the way others see her. She held a book club awhile back, was so stressed about it, saying she was so stupid, never says the right thing, etc., etc. I told her, to me, she's a real and authentic person. People don't feel they have to pretend around her, they can be themselves and that's a special feeling you can give another person. I hate it when I feel people are putting on an "air" and they appear perfect. (I've put way too many people on pedestals).

    Be yourself! Be the special you that you were put on this earth to be! One of the hardest things to do is turn around our self-image to positive when it's in such a negative space. But stop those hurtful thoughts and think something good about yourself instead. Hopefully in time, it'll become more of a habit. <3
  • jjpptt2
    jjpptt2 Posts: 5,650 Member
    edited November 2021
    nevermind... I misread.
  • Sofiapilla
    Sofiapilla Posts: 284 Member
    KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
    this isn't really chit chat, nor is it really heavy.

    I have been really struggling with self esteem issues. It's been a thing I've fought forever (it seems). In my head, I know that I am fit, strong and look pretty damn good. (not trying to be cocky). But my mind *FEELS* so differently.

    I put on weight again, not a lot, but enough to feel rolls where there werent any, to have my clothes fit tighter, so much so that I'm uncomfortable wearing them. My cellulite is on a raging party. And I sit here, at my desk, feeling horrible and hating myself. Even though, when I look in the mirror, my feelings don't match my body.

    I see guys and ladies all over this site (and the interwebs), and they are carrying extra weight and looking AHHHMAZING. If I were looking for a partner, I wouldn't expect them to hold to the body standards I am chasing. In fact, I think it's dead sexy when a guy is both strong and a bit fluffy.

    I know in my head that my body is not the problem. That my feelings about it is, and yet... it's way easier for me to log my food and change my weight than it is for me to change my mindset. I cannot seem to love myself unless those rolls are gone and I'm ripped.

    I've tried accepting the extra weight, again KNOWING that I have nothing to complain about, as normal. As desireable, as acceptable. I've tried telling myself that my worth is not tied to a sixpack, that life is more than obliterating fat. But my god, it's a battle I cannot seem to win.

    And even as I type this, I feel guilt, because I have "thin privilege". I feel guilty for feeling this way about myself because I have nothing to complain about. I *should* be happy with where I am. And yet... I'm not.

    I don't think there is a solution to this... I just needed to put it out there.
    I recognize I don't want or need a partner to look the way I do. I see others who are heavier than me and I marvel at how beautiful / handsome / sexy they are... I just cannot seem to give myself that same kind of appreciation.


    #thinkingoutloud


    p.s. this is not intended to be a humble brag, nor am I seeking compliments. (I don't tend to believe them, anyways). I'm just trying to deal with this bs in my brain that is making me MISERABLE

    I’m sorry to hear this. A while back i wanted to make a selfie thread just for sharing and celebrating human bodies in every form. Never quite figured out a way to pull it off although the mom/dad bod threads are a pretty close match to what i was hoping to accomplish so it’s probably pointless. I’ve just been so inspired lately by people who share photos of their body without fear or shame despite not looking ‘perfect’ (per society)

    I saw on an ig post once that every picture is an After pic unless you live in the past. Made me realize how infrequently I take selfies or share photos because i’m ‘not there yet’. I was going to share a picture in the selfie thread the other day but the most recent one I could find was from April, and it wasn’t a selfie.

    One time a while back a woman I greatly admire shared that she was not feeling herself at the time so she was going to share selfies every day until she got over herself. I can’t even tell you how often that comes to mind for me. There’s something therapeutic about taking an ‘as is’ photo and putting it out there without pre-judging if it’s worthy to be posted. I’d love to have a selfie thread for that purpose but I have doubts it would go the way I envision.

    Anyway, i feel ya sis ❤️
  • jjpptt2
    jjpptt2 Posts: 5,650 Member
    KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
    this isn't really chit chat, nor is it really heavy.

    I have been really struggling with self esteem issues. It's been a thing I've fought forever (it seems). In my head, I know that I am fit, strong and look pretty damn good. (not trying to be cocky). But my mind *FEELS* so differently.

    I put on weight again, not a lot, but enough to feel rolls where there werent any, to have my clothes fit tighter, so much so that I'm uncomfortable wearing them. My cellulite is on a raging party. And I sit here, at my desk, feeling horrible and hating myself. Even though, when I look in the mirror, my feelings don't match my body.

    I see guys and ladies all over this site (and the interwebs), and they are carrying extra weight and looking AHHHMAZING. If I were looking for a partner, I wouldn't expect them to hold to the body standards I am chasing. In fact, I think it's dead sexy when a guy is both strong and a bit fluffy.

    I know in my head that my body is not the problem. That my feelings about it is, and yet... it's way easier for me to log my food and change my weight than it is for me to change my mindset. I cannot seem to love myself unless those rolls are gone and I'm ripped.

    I've tried accepting the extra weight, again KNOWING that I have nothing to complain about, as normal. As desireable, as acceptable. I've tried telling myself that my worth is not tied to a sixpack, that life is more than obliterating fat. But my god, it's a battle I cannot seem to win.

    And even as I type this, I feel guilt, because I have "thin privilege". I feel guilty for feeling this way about myself because I have nothing to complain about. I *should* be happy with where I am. And yet... I'm not.

    I don't think there is a solution to this... I just needed to put it out there.
    I recognize I don't want or need a partner to look the way I do. I see others who are heavier than me and I marvel at how beautiful / handsome / sexy they are... I just cannot seem to give myself that same kind of appreciation.


    #thinkingoutloud


    p.s. this is not intended to be a humble brag, nor am I seeking compliments. (I don't tend to believe them, anyways). I'm just trying to deal with this bs in my brain that is making me MISERABLE

    I know some of these feels... being able to recognize it for what it is is a big step. Double finger guns to you for that.
  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,678 Member
    Shakashakara wrote: »
    KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
    this isn't really chit chat, nor is it really heavy.

    I have been really struggling with self esteem issues. It's been a thing I've fought forever (it seems). In my head, I know that I am fit, strong and look pretty damn good. (not trying to be cocky). But my mind *FEELS* so differently.

    I put on weight again, not a lot, but enough to feel rolls where there werent any, to have my clothes fit tighter, so much so that I'm uncomfortable wearing them. My cellulite is on a raging party. And I sit here, at my desk, feeling horrible and hating myself. Even though, when I look in the mirror, my feelings don't match my body.

    I see guys and ladies all over this site (and the interwebs), and they are carrying extra weight and looking AHHHMAZING. If I were looking for a partner, I wouldn't expect them to hold to the body standards I am chasing. In fact, I think it's dead sexy when a guy is both strong and a bit fluffy.

    I know in my head that my body is not the problem. That my feelings about it is, and yet... it's way easier for me to log my food and change my weight than it is for me to change my mindset. I cannot seem to love myself unless those rolls are gone and I'm ripped.

    I've tried accepting the extra weight, again KNOWING that I have nothing to complain about, as normal. As desireable, as acceptable. I've tried telling myself that my worth is not tied to a sixpack, that life is more than obliterating fat. But my god, it's a battle I cannot seem to win.

    And even as I type this, I feel guilt, because I have "thin privilege". I feel guilty for feeling this way about myself because I have nothing to complain about. I *should* be happy with where I am. And yet... I'm not.

    I don't think there is a solution to this... I just needed to put it out there.
    I recognize I don't want or need a partner to look the way I do. I see others who are heavier than me and I marvel at how beautiful / handsome / sexy they are... I just cannot seem to give myself that same kind of appreciation.


    #thinkingoutloud


    p.s. this is not intended to be a humble brag, nor am I seeking compliments. (I don't tend to believe them, anyways). I'm just trying to deal with this bs in my brain that is making me MISERABLE

    I’m sorry to hear this. A while back i wanted to make a selfie thread just for sharing and celebrating human bodies in every form. Never quite figured out a way to pull it off although the mom/dad bod threads are a pretty close match to what i was hoping to accomplish so it’s probably pointless. I’ve just been so inspired lately by people who share photos of their body without fear or shame despite not looking ‘perfect’ (per society)

    I saw on an ig post once that every picture is an After pic unless you live in the past. Made me realize how infrequently I take selfies or share photos because i’m ‘not there yet’. I was going to share a picture in the selfie thread the other day but the most recent one I could find was from April, and it wasn’t a selfie.

    One time a while back a woman I greatly admire shared that she was not feeling herself at the time so she was going to share selfies every day until she got over herself. I can’t even tell you how often that comes to mind for me. There’s something therapeutic about taking an ‘as is’ photo and putting it out there without pre-judging if it’s worthy to be posted. I’d love to have a selfie thread for that purpose but I have doubts it would go the way I envision.

    Anyway, i feel ya sis ❤️

    I love seeing other people confident in their skin. I think it's beautiful and amazing. I've tried to do a few of the posed vs "normal" threads over the years, but they never really take off. As for selfies... I have really had a hard time looking at my face these days, so I tend not to take pics of it. lol
  • Eltriste73
    Eltriste73 Posts: 126 Member
    KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
    Shakashakara wrote: »
    KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
    this isn't really chit chat, nor is it really heavy.

    I have been really struggling with self esteem issues. It's been a thing I've fought forever (it seems). In my head, I know that I am fit, strong and look pretty damn good. (not trying to be cocky). But my mind *FEELS* so differently.

    I put on weight again, not a lot, but enough to feel rolls where there werent any, to have my clothes fit tighter, so much so that I'm uncomfortable wearing them. My cellulite is on a raging party. And I sit here, at my desk, feeling horrible and hating myself. Even though, when I look in the mirror, my feelings don't match my body.

    I see guys and ladies all over this site (and the interwebs), and they are carrying extra weight and looking AHHHMAZING. If I were looking for a partner, I wouldn't expect them to hold to the body standards I am chasing. In fact, I think it's dead sexy when a guy is both strong and a bit fluffy.

    I know in my head that my body is not the problem. That my feelings about it is, and yet... it's way easier for me to log my food and change my weight than it is for me to change my mindset. I cannot seem to love myself unless those rolls are gone and I'm ripped.

    I've tried accepting the extra weight, again KNOWING that I have nothing to complain about, as normal. As desireable, as acceptable. I've tried telling myself that my worth is not tied to a sixpack, that life is more than obliterating fat. But my god, it's a battle I cannot seem to win.

    And even as I type this, I feel guilt, because I have "thin privilege". I feel guilty for feeling this way about myself because I have nothing to complain about. I *should* be happy with where I am. And yet... I'm not.

    I don't think there is a solution to this... I just needed to put it out there.
    I recognize I don't want or need a partner to look the way I do. I see others who are heavier than me and I marvel at how beautiful / handsome / sexy they are... I just cannot seem to give myself that same kind of appreciation.


    #thinkingoutloud


    p.s. this is not intended to be a humble brag, nor am I seeking compliments. (I don't tend to believe them, anyways). I'm just trying to deal with this bs in my brain that is making me MISERABLE

    I’m sorry to hear this. A while back i wanted to make a selfie thread just for sharing and celebrating human bodies in every form. Never quite figured out a way to pull it off although the mom/dad bod threads are a pretty close match to what i was hoping to accomplish so it’s probably pointless. I’ve just been so inspired lately by people who share photos of their body without fear or shame despite not looking ‘perfect’ (per society)

    I saw on an ig post once that every picture is an After pic unless you live in the past. Made me realize how infrequently I take selfies or share photos because i’m ‘not there yet’. I was going to share a picture in the selfie thread the other day but the most recent one I could find was from April, and it wasn’t a selfie.

    One time a while back a woman I greatly admire shared that she was not feeling herself at the time so she was going to share selfies every day until she got over herself. I can’t even tell you how often that comes to mind for me. There’s something therapeutic about taking an ‘as is’ photo and putting it out there without pre-judging if it’s worthy to be posted. I’d love to have a selfie thread for that purpose but I have doubts it would go the way I envision.

    Anyway, i feel ya sis ❤️

    I love seeing other people confident in their skin. I think it's beautiful and amazing. I've tried to do a few of the posed vs "normal" threads over the years, but they never really take off. As for selfies... I have really had a hard time looking at my face these days, so I tend not to take pics of it. lol

    Yes, we love seeing confidence in pics, but really, it is the *kitten* days that count. How do we go through them? That is the only thing that counts
  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,678 Member
    ReenieHJ wrote: »
    @KickassAmazon76
    Your description could be me. Well, except the ripped part. :/ My brain never ever tells me I'm thin enough, smart enough, pretty enough, enough enough enough. It's somehow embedded in our make-up or personality or something that has us telling ourselves we're not good enough.

    I have to tell you about this former daycare mom I had. She's such a petite person, lovely personality, beautiful in every way, a great mom, everything she did was with class and caring; one of those people I joke about wanting to be when I grow up. As much beauty(inside and out) as I saw in her, she only saw ugliness, never good enough wife/mom/friend, etc. Last time I spoke with her, she was trying hard to see herself as 'good enough'.

    You(and me and probably a lot more people than you think)need to stop the negative self-image thinking and start replacing it with positive reflections, positive things about yourself. Your voice is amazing. :) You love your children with your whole heart. On and on and on. Focus on your good qualities. (I know easier said than done).

    Sending you hugs and lotsa smiles sweet lady. <3

    Negative self talk is DEFINITELY a thing I need to work on. I know that saying about the "would you talk to your friend like this" and no- I wouldn't. I wouldn't even think about my friend like that. And yet... here we are. lol

    I test software for a living. My job is to evaluate requirements, review the software, and determine whether it's functioning according to spec. If it's not, then I identify what's wrong, what needs to be changed, and log a ticket.
    Each piece of software is different, and has different specs, so it is held to a different standard of requirements. I wouldn't have a job if I looked only at the pieces that were working... there's nothing to be fixed there. :smile:

    Sadly, the requirement spec I've got for this system I call "me" is unrealistic. I know it, but I still hold it in my hand and review the defects on a regular basis - trying to identify what is wrong and how to fix it. When there is a discrepancy, I feel the need to report it, to try and get it fixed - no matter how small. My spec is multiple volumes. The spec I use for friends / family / loved ones... it's more like a brochure. LMAO

    Anyhoo... I digress, but maybe it helps me to put out how my brain works, in the thought that I can figure out a way to re-write my own spec.


  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,678 Member
    Zoomie402 wrote: »
    I had a mini break down yesterday morning. Thankfully I was able to call my bestie who reassured me that I am not alone and that simple tasks for moms tend to get shoved aside.

    For me, it was a lack of shower.

    I work in an urgent care setting with crazy hours. I was supposed to work 10-6 Monday and Tuesday. I didn't know my schedule had been changed to 8-4 on Monday. I was just getting to the gym when I got called in. No time to shower, I go in, do my job, get home and check in with the kids. Help with homework, make supper, and promptly crash and burn on the couch until SO gets up for his 3rd shift job, where I make him coffee and lunch and crawl into bed.

    Tuesday- one of my coworkers goes to the ER and calls in. We are also dog sitting SIL's dogs because she had surgery and is recovering. One of these dogs bark/howls all.night.long. Starting at 4am. I'm half asleep, but I drag me rear out of bed, get my breakfast, lunch and snacks together, and get to work on time to open the center. I get home and I am sooo tired. My kids wanted to watch a show with me, and I fell asleep 15min in.

    Wednesday- Bark/Howl started at 2am this time. SO got kicked out of work early (yay supply chain issues), and comes crawling into bed right as I am falling back to sleep. Alarm goes off and I have the choice to sleep or shower. I choose sleep. I have to work a 12 today and Thursday. I get the kids up and out the door. I get my lunch, breakfast, snacks and supper all packed. I go to the room to tell him goodbye and he says "I thought you would've showered this morning" Needless to say he didn't duck fast enough as I verbally went to town raging about when was the last time anyone packed my lunch for me or let me get a full nights sleep, or hell even washed a load with my scrubs so I didn't have to worry about it? Or how he gets alone time when I'm at work and the kids are at school, and on and on.

    Well now I'm feeling exhausted AND filthy so thanks! I called my bestie and say "Let me ask you this.....how often do you get the LUXURY of a hot shower?" She says 2, maybe 3 times a week if she's lucky.

    I was finally able to get my hot shower last night, and was thinking why??? Why does basic care like showering so difficult? Why should I have to choose between sacrificing sleep or showering? I feel ashamed admitting this here, but I know I cannot be the only person on here feeling like it's B.S. that something like a shower is considered self care. That, and just that too exhausted to even stand anymore feeling.

    It seems like every single day of my life I am forced to choose which basic need / chore / task goes unmet. It is a matter of picking the topmost priorities and focusing on them and the rest falls. I am a single mom with two teens, so it all falls on my shoulders - which is honestly what sounds like is happening to you. It sounds like you have too many things and not enough time or energy - and I feel for you. You are NOT alone. Oftentimes showers suffer for me too... they're the easiest way to steal back 30 mins of time (when you add in before, during, after and dressing), and impacts the least amount of people.

    My only suggestion might be to look at something you are doing for others that they could do for themselves and consider letting that task go. It's hard (I struggle with this all the time), but it may be necessary to both give you the ability to have your time AND teach the others in your home that you are valuable and you contribute.

    It's sad that we take on so much and sacrifice so much without it being seen... but I know for myself - I need to use my voice more. I need to speak out for MY needs more - because I am important. If I break down, the whole house will crumble.

    YOU ARE IMPORTANT. You MATTER. If you fall, I am pretty sure your house will suffer too. I hope that today someone sees YOUR needs and jumps to filling them, like you do for so many - family and strangers alike.

    Many hugs to you. You are not alone.
  • slimgirljo15
    slimgirljo15 Posts: 269,456 Member
    Splendamami wrote: »
    Hi Everyone! I am so grateful to stumble across this thread. For those going through things, I may not have advice. But know that someone (me) wishes you the best. And that things will turn around sooner than later.

    I'm here to just vent and let go of what's consuming my thoughts. I am so lonely and just need to release some of this pain. Today, I received the official documents for my divorce. The hilarious part of all this is that at the same time last year, my SO originally requested the divorce! We spent countless hours in therapy and "trying" to reconnect to see if a divorce or restart was necessary. I put "trying" in quotes because to be honest...the ball was dropped plenty of times and who knows if there was even any love on their end left. Well after my birthday in August, I thought we reconciled and would start planning to have a baby. So many talks, visiting clinics and sharing the news with family members that we were looking to build our family soon. Well, today of 2021 that isn't happening. All of my prayers, time, and dedication to this person and their dreams are out the window. To make matters worse, I still miss my SO. I think I'm more hurt at the thought that I am losing a best friend too. The person I would talk to build me up is now dead to me. I would never fathom that dealing with a divorce would feel like planning a funeral. Split what? Who gets what? Who gets which fur baby? (We have/had a cat and a dog), visiting HR to remove SO from my 401K as beneficiary...something so small is extremely terrifying to think about. What if they ask questions, what do I say? Do I tell the truth...when I never know the future...we did back out last time. No longer seeing my ILs after losing so many family members etc., it's all making me SICK. My thoughts are on a constant loop. I am nauseous, I am confused, I am scared to be alone. There are so many emotions swirling through me. I barely focused in the gym yesterday and I love weight lifting! Found no joy, just almost an accident from not having my mind and body in sync. I think I should stop here because now it's word vomit everywhere. I typing like I'm thinking and right now, I'm irrational.

    When does this pain go away? Does the fear of being alone ever go away? How do you go on after a divorce? Any tips, insights, words of encouragement are welcome. Even if it's tough love...I'll take what I can get. Or maybe that is my problem...I keep taking what I can get? SMH the vicious cycle of heartbreak. :heartbreak::disappointed::cry:

    Biggest of hugs 🤗
    I can only say from my experience that as painful as it was at the time ( twice divorced) it turned out to be the best thing, though I couldn't see it at the time.
    Divorce is difficult emotionally even when its amicable.
    Try not to dwell on all the things you feel you are losing but think on what you'll gain. I saw it as a new start, a fresh beginning and time to focus on me and my happiness.
    Wishing you all the best 🙂

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