WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR MARCH 2022
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Good morning Gals,
Lisa,Appreciate you saying you were glad I checked in. I think I need to use here for venting and laying out my feelings. The feedback helps and it's a safe place to throw out what's making my head and heart messed up.
I am sorry because I feel like I'm a runaway train with negative thoughts and I just need to dump some thoughts. I didn't sleep much last night but made myself stay in bed until 5am. About now all I feel in control of is my schedule. I'm making myself eat and go to bed and get up on time. I'm a water drinker so that comes naturally.
Jack's oldest son, who lives across the country texted last night after I'd gone to bed. He wanted to call and I texted back I was tired and in bed and it would be convenient to call anytime today. He texted back that he loved me so much and wanted to keep in touch but I could tell he was miffed about having to wait til today to call. This is the son that quit answering our phone messages, text messages, returned our letters marked "refused, return to sender" ... for over two years. He never told us why he cut us out of our lives. Just this last month both Jack and I texted him, telling we loved him and missed him in our lives. When Jack died on Friday, I texted his three children and my two. All got back to me right away and then Mark texted last night. I was so bothered by getting his text last night because Jack would have given his eye teeth to get that text from the son he raised. I felt guilty because I didn't get up and tell him to call last night. All night I felt haunted. Dang. I hope I'm gracious today when (if) he calls. I love him but I am angry for the pain and anguish he caused us. Now to get in touch with me seems so empty because Jack doesn't have the pleasure of his son reconnecting.
I'm all conflicted. Having Jason and family here was hard but they were so loving and we all were hurting and missing Jack. But I don't want Mark here. He's always been negative and needy and critical of Jack and I. I'm not ready to deal with him. I need to be kind and also firm when he calls. I don't want him here now. My friend is coming over to be with me and we'll put the speaker phone on and she will take over the call if it is too stressful for me. She is a tough cookie and she and her husband have been an amazing support.
Barbie, Appreciate this forum. I think I should maybe put my thoughts in a spoiler next time so people can avoid my negativity.. It's not my nature but it's where I am right now. I feel lost.
Betsy in NW WA
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Ll0
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Betsy, Lots of us have used this thread for grieving, venting, processing, etc. There are broad shoulders here, and life experience. It's remarkable. The women here are a gift, no strings attached.
Karen in Virginia
p.s. Good idea to have the phone on speaker with your friend there when Jack's oldest son calls.2 -
OH D*** Betsy, I feel terrible for you having to deal with Mark. I can totally understand your anger. Really. I'm angry for you. I have so many words I'd like to say right now, but you don't need to hear that. DON'T ALLOW him to come if you don't want him there and make sure you have support in that. I'm glad you have your friend who will take over.
PLEASE don't put it in a spoiler because this is why we're here. We ARE a support group for whatever is going on in all of our lives. What Karen said, "no strings". We're here for you.
Carla, in MN2 -
Betsy, dear heart, you're not being negative, you're being honest.
Maybe my story about the gathering after Mama's funeral at her little house will help. It's kinda long, but then, my stories usually are:
By the time the funeral was done and we were back to Mama's little bitty house, I was just awash with tears, and had been for the last two days. Just no sleep, no food, little water, and feeling so bereft that there simply were no words left. Mama did not want to be embalmed, and by Texas law, that meant she had to be buried within 24 hours, so my brothers and sisters and I were just exhausted. At that point I just tried to make sure everyone had something to drink or eat and wandered through the crowd of people.If you read that, I know that was long and involved, but most of it was to let you know, Betsy, that you had every right to tell that boy to call the next day. If his words start hurting you on that phone call, you have the right to hang up, or hand it to your friend and walk away. I'm glad your friend is there. Lean on the strength of others, and know that your strength isn't gone, it just took a hard blow with Jack's death. You'll get it back, Betsy, I promise you.
Everyone turned when John Jacob came in the front door. He was the black sheep of the family, which may have been part of why Mama loved him so much. He was my brother's stepson, but Mama never cared about that. He was part of her family, and she always treated him as such. His contribution to the gathering was a six-pack of beer, and I hugged him as he walked by me to put the beer in the refrigerator.
About 15 or 20 minutes later, I went back to Mama's bedroom to just get a few moments of peace without people rattling at me, and as I walked up to her bedroom door, which was slightly ajar, I heard one of my sisters-in-law say, "Can you beLIEVE he brought beer to his own grandmother's funeral?" Someone else said "Amen!" and I opened the door.
Three of my mother's daughters-in-law were in her bedroom whispering their poison to each other. In her room. Saying I lost my temper is such a mild phrase. I started out with "How DARE you dishonor my mother's memory like this. She loved that boy!" and then started turning the air blue with cuss words. At the top of my lungs. By the time I was done, the entire house was silent... I genuinely don't lose my temper much, but that was an exception.
Honestly, Mama would have thought the six-pack was funny. The story is one of those that go down in family lore, and usually comes up within a few moments of seeing me. Probably because some years later, John Jacob committed a truly heinous murder, and bolted for Mexico. They caught him at the border, brought him back and he's still in prison. Will be forever, I'm thinking.
Thinking of you,
Love,
Lisa in AR6 -
Betsy - No apologies needed for venting to this group. You need to take care of you first.
In a past life I worked for a newspaper in the IT department, and the receptionist/switchboard gal reported to me. She shared a desk with a representative who did all the obituaries. You could always tell when someone like Mark came in we always believed they were feeling guilty about the way they handled their relationship with the deceased - they would cause a scene - loud crying, wanted the entire lobby to hear the stories - would want a long flowery obituary and would rave about what a good (mom/dad/sister/brother) the person was and often one of the few relatives mentioned by full name was the person in the office.
The Mark's of the world will not help you find the peace and quiet you are looking for. Good for you to have someone to help keep him in his lane.
Hugs,
Kim in N. California4 -
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Betsy- You don't have to be gracious. Just polite. Don't waste a minute of your life worrying about him. He will have to make his peace with his father's memory on his own. He is not your responsibility.
I am glad you have a friend to help you.
Love Heather UK xxxxxxxx2 -
I did my yoga, elliptical and marching. Yay!
Betsy, lots of love and support to you in this difficult time.1 -
Good Monday Morning
@teklawa1 I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you, you are in my prayers.
I guess the MFP newbie- ness wore off. Back at it..Today is a new DaY!
🌼 Lucy5 -
Hi all. My name is Kama and I'm trying to start over. I have Diabetes type 2 and heart disease, had a heart attack in 2017, and open heart surgery for my aortic valve. I also had covid 2 years ago and it left me totally wiped out, I'm now trying to get back on track and my energy is much improved. I have started doing an excercise program thru AARP, and that is going well. I am just looking for support from people like me. Thanks.10
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KAMA ~ Welcome!
Carol in Georgia
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Hi Gals,
Machka – I love the idea of stairs…. But I don’t know of any near me – I’ll have to look around. If I could find some I could incorporate into my morning Levi walk that would be ideal! I have a single step in and out of my home, not really a staircase….LOL The area I live is pretty flat.
There seem to be a few newbies! WELCOME, some of us are better than others about welcoming but we all at least think “welcome” I have been here for years…actually just had my 8 year anniversary. And some one back in the day said if you’re eating or exercising goes off plan just get back on, do not wait till tomorrow or Monday or after x holiday, just get back as soon as you realize what you did. (that is a para phrase) but it has stuck with me. I have not always been able to do it; but I do it more than before I heard it. And I think it really helps – helps me at least. One thing about this group is that we each have our own way, some it’s a fasting routine, some eat similar meals all the time, some do gourmet cooking, some do a little bit of exercise, some a lot of exercise – some work around allergies, or family members food choices, but we all care about one another.
Thinking of you all, and hoping for a happy healthy day
Smiles Kim in N. California
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Kama— Welcome to an amazing group. We live in many places and countries, and all speak English. Many, like me, have been visiting this “place” for several years. I hope you will stop in frequently for support and friendship.1
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Awe Betsy, I'm sorry for the added stress you're feeling regarding Mark. You do you. Give yourself time to process. Do not worry of the should haves and the could haves. Mark has to make peace with his actions, and not thru you. Big hugs to you. So glad you have a friend as back up.
Rebecca
Whidbey
Wa1 -
Betsy ... from Meg Devine's "It's Ok That You're Not Ok" ...
And for the record, I wouldn't have taken the call last night either. Hugs.
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Good morning Gals,
Lisa,Appreciate you saying you were glad I checked in. I think I need to use here for venting and laying out my feelings. The feedback helps and it's a safe place to throw out what's making my head and heart messed up.
I am sorry because I feel like I'm a runaway train with negative thoughts and I just need to dump some thoughts. I didn't sleep much last night but made myself stay in bed until 5am. About now all I feel in control of is my schedule. I'm making myself eat and go to bed and get up on time. I'm a water drinker so that comes naturally.
Jack's oldest son, who lives across the country texted last night after I'd gone to bed. He wanted to call and I texted back I was tired and in bed and it would be convenient to call anytime today. He texted back that he loved me so much and wanted to keep in touch but I could tell he was miffed about having to wait til today to call. This is the son that quit answering our phone messages, text messages, returned our letters marked "refused, return to sender" ... for over two years. He never told us why he cut us out of our lives. Just this last month both Jack and I texted him, telling we loved him and missed him in our lives. When Jack died on Friday, I texted his three children and my two. All got back to me right away and then Mark texted last night. I was so bothered by getting his text last night because Jack would have given his eye teeth to get that text from the son he raised. I felt guilty because I didn't get up and tell him to call last night. All night I felt haunted. Dang. I hope I'm gracious today when (if) he calls. I love him but I am angry for the pain and anguish he caused us. Now to get in touch with me seems so empty because Jack doesn't have the pleasure of his son reconnecting.
I'm all conflicted. Having Jason and family here was hard but they were so loving and we all were hurting and missing Jack. But I don't want Mark here. He's always been negative and needy and critical of Jack and I. I'm not ready to deal with him. I need to be kind and also firm when he calls. I don't want him here now. My friend is coming over to be with me and we'll put the speaker phone on and she will take over the call if it is too stressful for me. She is a tough cookie and she and her husband have been an amazing support.
Barbie, Appreciate this forum. I think I should maybe put my thoughts in a spoiler next time so people can avoid my negativity.. It's not my nature but it's where I am right now. I feel lost.
Betsy in NW WA
This is such a rough time. You have to do what you need to do to protect yourself. Having your friend with you is a great idea.
Flea
Willamette Valley, OR3 -
Betsy, feel free to vent away, we are here for you. If you feel the need to put it in a spoiler, fine, but please don’t feel that you HAVE to. You did the right thing telling Mark to call today and I too am glad you will have a friend there to keep him in line. So very sad that he didn’t “see the light” til after his father passed.
Hugs.
Evelyn, Vancouver Island3 -
Betsy what everyone else said before me. I’m one of the worst for being negative. These ladies are so understanding and supportive. I am so glad for their love and support. I gripe about minor things. When someone here speaks from the heart like you did, puts my ‘things’ in perspective.
RvRita6 -
dlfk202000 wrote: »Remember I told you I got a new garage door? Well, it's been opening and closing all on its own. Yesterday when I went outside first thing in the morning, it was open. I know Vince closed it the night before. Evidently, he added something so that he can open my door from any of his vehicles. Maybe that's interfering????
When I ride the exercise bike, I usually watch TV. I had been watching old shows of "Beverly Hillbillies". I haven't ridden the bike in about a month, maybe more. When I went to watch it today, I couldn't get it to work. The TV worked, but I couldn't get it to play "BH". So I called Vince. He logged back into Amazon. Seems they've changed things again and now I can't access that show. So I watched old episodes of "I Love Lucy". Really, that's not as good. I'll just have to see about another show.
Michele NC
who is going to take a shower and then work on the puzzle.
that is better than what my husband was watching this morning. I was watching church online in the living room where my desktop is. He was in the kitchen. Offered to do the dishes for me which I appreciated(needed the sink empty to bathe the old momma cat). He has to have a tv on where ever he is. He put on The Flinstones then The Jetson's. I had to turn my computer up just so I could hear the service. Was glad when he was done with the dishes and turned it off.
Headphones are great!
Mind you, I would have said, "please turn the volume down, I can't hear what I'm listening to. "
Great idea-
Usually it is not a problem. He rarely is in the kitchen, especially doing dishes.
90% of the time he is back in his room.
Most of what I do online I don't have to hear, once in a while, I will watch a video or church on FB.
Headphones would be a big help when I am watching tv and he decides that is the time he wants to vacuum.(he vacuums at least 2-3 times a day, usually more, at some spot in the house)
Again, It doesn't last too long and he is back in his room. Just a minor annoyance. But hey, at least I rarely have to vacuum.
Debbie1 -
Beth -love your poem.
So true.
I also felt this during my separation and divorce from my husband. My grief was totally overwhelming and no one understood. I cried for 4 years. There was a hole in my universe.
The good news is, I eventually found a way forward. People do. But it is important to honour the terrible hole in existence.
Love to all going through that black hole.
Much love, Heather UK xxxxxx3 -
Betsy- you have to do what is best for YOU right now- not try to do what others, including stepson wants to make THEM feel better.
Mom went through this a year ago when dad passed suddenly(after a few months shy of 65yrs of marriage). My sister showed up a few hours after dad passed, had already been drinking that morning. Crying and all,ended up passed out on the floor that night. Mom did NOT need that that night.-she rarely visited mom and dad when he was alive(she lives close to them)- they didn't get along(dad didn't agree with her life choices, like where she picked up boyfriends or how she neglected her boys,etc) Sister is now feeling very guilty because she can't repair the damage she did. She told me how jealous of me she was because dad and I were always very close. My older sister has the same guilt.
Let them deal with their own feelings of guilt or what ever it is. You have to deal with your feelings of grief and loss.
Accept meals if they are offered but if you are not up to visiting, tell people, BUT, when you are ready, let them know. Most people will offer once or twice but after time goes by offers stop.
Debbie1 -
Tracey--Sorry about your cousin. I agree it does not sound good. Sending prayers and hugs for both of you. Hope all goes well with the stuff at work..
Betsy--So sorry for your loss. May God give you comfort and peace. Sorry to hear about the way Mark treated you and now wants contact. I do understand my step-daughter stopped talking to us 3 years ago because we would not co-sign for a house. Will not answer calls or letters and has us blocked. Will not let us see the grandkids. We are learning to accept it, but it hurts. Glad you will have someone there when he calls. Also vent here all you need to, we are here for you.
To add to my story--I am 5-2 and getting shorter every year. My highest weight was 402.
Debbie--Sorry to hear about Umaku. It is not easy saying good by to our fur babies. Our pug Jake is still doing so-so. Gets around to eat and go outside to the bathroom, but back legs are not steady and he falls over. But sure gets restless when the sun goes down.
Beth--Glad your mom didn't break anything, I agree it is scary for her to go back to the same place that allowed the sore to get to the point it needed surgery. Pray they do better this time.
Allie--4 years. Sure doesn't seem that long, but time flies by anymore. You have come a long way.
Katla--Glad that DD is there and helping getting things lined up to help with DH's care. How long is she staying? When do you go see the doctor?
Rebecca--I agree they are growning up so fast. Our littlest one will be 10 months old in a little over a week. Althena is sure a cutie.
Beth--Hugs and prayers for all of you. Grief has it's own schedule.
I am trying to drink water, I usually only drink Dt Coke, or Dt Dr Pepper with cherry. It is not going well, but I am working on it.
The lady who lives with us sold her house several years ago. Saturday she got a check in the mail for over $750 that she was over charged. Happy for her. Today I got a check for Bank of America, they used to be our mortage company before we refinanced somewhere else. Any way my check is for $2.07. How stupid is that. Cost more to make it and send it than it is worth. My laugh for the day.
Blessing, Vicki GRAND ISLAND, NE 8 -
Afternoon ladies
Sitting up at school waiting for Carmine..Tracy,Miles and I went to buy milk,she gets lactose free and if there isnt a shortage everywhere.. well I found some across the street at Target and they had some winter clothes on sale so got a couple of things for Miles.. at this stage of the game i dont know what to pick up for Carmine..they are staying after school for extra help in math..
Betsy- you do what you feel that is right for you and we are all hear for you,if you need to vent,vent away.. thats what friends are for..believe me I have done my share for sure..1 -
waiting for dh to come home with my new phone. The company I had been using(cheap one because I don't use it much, mostly to text my former hubby and to go on FB)-decided at the beginning of March that my phone wasn't compatible with them any longer- didn't tell us, just started to drop service-got slow then couldn't retrieve voice mail then this morning tried to actually make a call- nope, can't make or accept just plain phone calls. DH called them, they didn't really care- just told him to buy a new phone- So, he is, but not going through them anymore- paid for a month with no service and they don't care.
Debbie2 -
Betsy we are here to listen❤ 1
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Betsy-all I know is people can be strange. One of my sil didn’t come to my husband (her brother) funeral. I can remember how many times she called me and told she had just been too upset to come. Too bad- my boys and I gave excellent eulogies she missed. Do want you need to do for your own healing.
Take care all,
Ginny in Ohio5 -
We just got home from getting our second shingles shot🎶🎵🌞 3
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