Wrong answers ONLY!

You ever hear of the expression, "one man's trash is another man's treasure?" Well, the same principle applies to other areas of life: one person's vegetables is another's dessert, one person's fingernails-scraping-blackboard is another's singing-in-the-shower, and of course the most relevant to this conversation, one person's work is another's vacation. If you're wanting to take a vacation away from what you consider to be work, then may I humbly suggest you come here and do MY work instead? It'll be such a refreshing change from what you normally do that you'll be thrilled to death, enjoying every moment. To ensure you feel on vacation and not working, I won't pay you, but I will offer you your choice of beverages from the water fountain (the arcing sip or the vertical water bottle-filler) with a festive little umbrella. My office air conditioning works, too, if you need further incentive to accept my offer rather than @frankwbrown's.

LilBitofAugust wrote: »

What if it takes me so long to come up with a question that someone else answers Frank with a far wittier reply?

I don't understand the question...are you implying somebody could possibly come up with a response more witty than I can deliver? Surely you jest! It doesn't matter how long it takes me to reply, I can guarantee I am wittier than any other response. For example, that question asked back on page 17? You know the one I'm talking about. My answer today is far better. I just choose not to answer so I don't make everybody else feel bad. I'm a nice guy that way.

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Talking with a coworker, we realized how much our work environment was mirrored in the Dilbert comic strip. Which comic strip does your work (or home) environment most resemble?

Next? Next what? Are you talking about the Nicolas Cage movie "Next" who can see a few seconds into the future and, if necessary, change his words/actions to create a better outcome? Are you hoping this website creates a little "next" button which, upon clicking, skips to the next thread without having to return to the menu page? Are you attempting to convey in a single word the phrase, "Nothing to see here, folks, move along?" Were you hoping to elicit so much confusion in the next person to read your response? Shall we all just throw our hands up into the air in synchronized exasperation?

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I work as a contractor on a military installation. For security reasons, I've never been able to fully discuss what I do with my family. But tomorrow, the base is hosting families on a tour of our facility, and my wife and kids will finally get to see where I've spent the last 13 years. What part of my professional life should I share with them first?

*Editor's note: Looks like you are answering an older question there, @Pfeniks!*

Now that I'm 45 years old, my eyesight is starting to be noticeably weaker than it used to be. In 5 years, I imagine I will have to be leaning far forward with my face only inches from the computer monitor in order to see what I'm typing. Unless medical science advances to the point of allowing me to get a second round of laser eye surgery to restore my perfect eyesight a second time. (I wore glasses for over 20 years as a youth/young adult...you can't make me go back to wearing them again! No, I refuse!)

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(Now, my question repeated...)

I work as a contractor on a military installation. For security reasons, I've never been able to fully discuss what I do with my family. But tomorrow, the base is hosting families on a tour of our facility, and my wife and kids will finally get to see where I've spent the last 13 years. What part of my professional life should I share with them first?

Apparently this question is so stressful, we've all been avoiding it for the last five days. I think the only answer here is you have to move. Let the new owner of the house decide who mows the lawn going forward. Who wants to live that close to relatives anyway?

I've got some mysterious, creepy-looking, long-stingered insect flying in and out of one of my deck boards. I'm afraid she's laying eggs that'll soon hatch millions more creepy-looking, long-stingered insects. I've already tried the two options below so please think more creativity. How do I get rid of this bug before it moves in its whole family?

I could use some help moving to Greenland. Bring some boxes with you - I'll provide snacks.

Other than helping me move, does anybody have a better suggestion for how our friend should spend her day?

Yes, but unfortunately it is essentially traveling to the past by one week. When the boss sees you have finished next week's work ahead of time, you immediately get a week of additional work assigned to you, and you are at least one week behind again. It's better to get a week behind, and always stay a week behind, so that you are always getting the attention you deserve from the boss (high visibility at the office!), and you never run out of work (job security!). It also makes certain that the boss assigns all the extra work to some poor over-achiever who has already finished their work for the week.

Some environmental activists want to ban refrigeration devices (air conditioning, ice makers, refrigerators) in order to combat global warming. Is this a good idea?

The good news is we do have portable dehumidifiers, and you're already quite aware of their existence. You just call them by another name: cars. They're portable (able to move from one place to another) and they can effectively allow you to walk in less humidity (by carrying you to the desert where the air is dryer).

A gym buddy I know weighs less than I do yet has much bigger muscles. How is this possible?

Go to a racetrack in the UK once a week for four weeks and each time you're there, place a 5 pound bet on the worst horse running. In one month you'll have lost 20 pounds.

Why am I sometimes unable to fall asleep at night even though I'm tired?

I was going to suggest she stop teaching in-person and instead focus upon teaching over the internet to classes on the opposite side of the planet (so she teaches their day but her night), but she may not enjoy the commute. Instead, you need to adjust all the clocks in the house by several hours, so now instead of waking at 6am to go to work she'll instead be waking at 2pm, feeling very refreshed for having slept past noon. Obviously you can't shift everything by 8 hours in one shot, the body has trouble adjusting to such radical time zone changes. I recommend moving things by about ten minutes per day, leaving Sundays alone. At this rate, you can adjust your wife's wake-up time by several hours by the time the school year starts; waking late-morning has to be easier than waking early-morning.

Why is it I love the smell of coffee, but despise the taste?

During the night when crowds have dispersed, walk to the nearby gas station and take their cheap signs down. (Don't worry about the cameras...they only activate to the movement of cars. If you walk, they'll never see you.) Carry that cheap sign down the road to the expensive station, swap signs, and return with the expensive sign. In the morning when cars line up for gas, they'll now line up at the other station, leaving your local one line-free for you to patronize.

Why is it I wake up early on my days off when I should be sleeping in, and sleep in on work days when I should wake up early?