WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR OCTOBER 2022
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KetoneKaren wrote: »Machka, I have discovered I am over and done with home ownership. Repairs, ruptured pipes, raccoons, weeds, deck maintenance, cantankerous appliances, deteriorating driveway, lawn reseeding/aeration, etc. are no longer fun for me. I used to love being a homeowner.
Karen in Virginia
I understand!
We're enjoying the garden here right now, and our landlords don't mind us digging and planting etc. but I am also looking forward to moving into a place with a small simple garden at some point, quite possibly within the next 5 years.
Sometimes rental places here come with a gardener. We had a gardener with 2 of our rentals since I've lived in Australia. I wouldn't mind getting into a nice 55+ rental community, with small gardens and a gardener ... and then be able to focus on other things.
M in Oz
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Morning ladies
Im here with Miles ,Meeting my friend around 1:30 at Panera to catch up,I used to work with her as a high school lunch lady when my kids were little ,I had a blast..
Always great to catch up..
I took a shower last night and slept like a rock.. well there ya go.. now I know that helps..4 -
Woke up to light snow on the ground. Too early for me. I am just glad I did finish bringing in the plants I wanted to winter over til next spring. I also harvested the few remaining veggies. Not as many this year because of our weather conditions. Very hot and dry for here.
I also have more floral arrangements about both house because I picked flowers too. I covered my hoses because I hope it warms enough next week during the day to do one more water. We are 9 inches down in our rainfall this year. Once I water hoses away for the year.
M I have friends visiting New Zealand and a friend from Church. What would be your top recommendations to see in New Zealand.1 -
I can see a gardener in our future, in maybe a few years time. We get cards through the door all the time. At the moment, DH can still mow the grass and trim bushes with relative ease. I do nothing in the garden, apart from fill one pot with bulbs once a year. Bea helped us.
We have a wildlife garden (!) which looks after itself, apart from those small jobs.
I would like our driveway repaved. But DH has the pursestrings and we prefer to spend any saved money on cruises!
The front wall is falling over, but we are pretending we don't notice. If I won the lottery I would fix them.
Machka - Retirement villages of the kind you are talking about cost an absolute fortune around here. I know you have talked about staying at work until you are well past retirement age. Is that the plan?
If you bought a similar property on the same site it would cost around £600,000 with an £8,000 a year service charge. Wow!
Love Heather UK xxxxxxxx0 -
margaretturk wrote: »Woke up to light snow on the ground. Too early for me. I am just glad I did finish bringing in the plants I wanted to winter over til next spring. I also harvested the few remaining veggies. Not as many this year because of our weather conditions. Very hot and dry for here.
I also have more floral arrangements about both house because I picked flowers too. I covered my hoses because I hope it warms enough next week during the day to do one more water. We are 9 inches down in our rainfall this year. Once I water hoses away for the year.
M I have friends visiting New Zealand and a friend from Church. What would be your top recommendations to see in New Zealand.
I have no idea. I've only ever been to the Auckland airport.
One day I would like to visit more of NZ than just the airport. I have heard they've got some interesting cycling trails.
M in Oz1 -
Allie - I love Panera! The food is always so fresh and simple.
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I'm skipping my weekly ZOOM meeting with my old high school buddies this morning to go to the auction site to pick up the gliders I bid on (chair and love seat) for the porch of the senior apartment.
My spouse's son Emerson is going with me. He is always so willing to help when he can. I so appreciate it. My own son talks a good game, but has no follow through. There is always a good reason why he can't help me. I am not a high priority in his life. This is another reason I don't want him to be in charge of my medical and financial decisions. He is a good man, and I love him, but he has yet to figure out that I am worthy of his regard and attention. Someday he will figure it out.
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This afternoon I may have to go over to the senior apartment and manage a delivery of 2 kitchen chairs. This crazy time in our world has made deliveries so unpredictable. These chairs were supposedly not available until December, so I ordered them to be delivered to the apartment address. Yesterday I get a notice that the chairs will be delivered today! - to the apartment - which we don't live in yet. So I have had communication with the management of the retirement community and they are going to help with the dilemma, although I have been told 4 times now that they aren't responsible for damage or loss. The maintenance guy was so anxious to tell me they weren't responsible for damage or misplacement that he didn't read my email carefully, and assumed we were moving into a cottage, rather than an apartment. The subsequent back and forth was quite confusing until I figured out what the communication problem was. I am hoping the box won't be so big that it can't just go into a closet or a shower stall in the apartment for the time being. The box weighs only 28 lbs, so hopefully it will be manageable.
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Update on my brother: His birth certificates are in the mail from Nebraska as of Wednesday, and I have put the owner of his group home on notice that she is to turn the envelope over to him immediately when it arrives. I may have mentioned that Wednesday when I picked him up to go the the guitar exhibition at VMFA the group home owner sent word through another employee that I was to "sign the book in the foyer". There was no pen, dust on the pages of the hood, and the last sign in was 18 months ago. Clearly, no one had signed the book for well over a year, but I went out to the car, retrieved a pen from my purse, and dutifully signed the book. It's part of the power struggle that she feels compelled to engage in. She is pi$$ed because she is no longer my brother's payee, so no longer has access to incoming money.
This woman still has over $5,000 that belongs to my brother from past Social Security checks, however. I may have mentioned I have been referred to a criminal attorney. I have now weighed the pros and cons, and this is what I have decided: I am going to wait until we have the birth certificates in hand next week, then I am going to give her 30 days' notice of Gary leaving, and then call the criminal attorney in hopes that he can stop her. I honestly don't care if we have to pay him the entire $5000 she is holding; just knowing she doesn't get to keep it will be satisfaction enough. If she faces criminal charges, so much the better. Those other men have no one to advocate for them.
These sorts of situations are more complex than they may appear on the surface. For example, the group home that my brother lived in before this one also took advantage of him financially. I contemplated getting police and Social Services involved, but after weighing the amount of money we might recover against the value the home provided to the residents who live there, and the emotional toll the disruption would have on the residents, I decided not to pursue it. The owner of that home was doing more good than harm, in my opinion, even though he was taking advantage of my brother's larger check in a Robin Hood sort of way. I decided to let it go. The cosmic cost would have been too high.
On the other hand, this woman is doing way too much damage, in my opinion, and needs to be stopped. So once I know my brother has what he needs to convince the new apartment manager he is alive, despite what Equifax says, I am going to pursue any charges or litigation against her that I can. I don't do it lightly, and I don't relish it. I just can't in good conscience leave those other men to suffer at her hands. She is no Robin Hood. She is evil incarnate.
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I have gathered enough goodies to make 5 boxes or bags for Josephine the Ballerina. I'm going to make them up and give them to her mom, and tell her to give one to Josie whenever she needs it. This morning I got a little purple purse donated by the ballerina daughter of another Buy Nothing member. It's adorable.
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Off to unload the dishwasher and fold the laundry before Emerson gets here.
Love to all,
Karen in Virginia
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cityjaneLondon wrote: »I can see a gardener in our future, in maybe a few years time. We get cards through the door all the time. At the moment, DH can still mow the grass and trim bushes with relative ease. I do nothing in the garden, apart from fill one pot with bulbs once a year. Bea helped us. We have a wildlife garden (!) which looks after itself, apart from those small jobs.
I would like our driveway repaved. But DH has the pursestrings and we prefer to spend any saved money on cruises! The front wall is falling over, but we are pretending we don't notice. If I won the lottery I would fix them.
Machka - Retirement villages of the kind you are talking about cost an absolute fortune around here. I know you have talked about staying at work until you are well past retirement age. Is that the plan?
Love Heather UK xxxxxxxx
The 55+ communities I am talking about don't cost anywhere near that much. Especially not in Canada. My parents live in one such community. I'd love to get a place where they are.
I'd like to retire next year ... but I will probably have to work longer than that. Who knows how long.
M in Oz2 -
Dd1
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This is my nightmare. I know Beth went through a similar agony with her son.
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/oct/13/ann-king-video-abuse-reigate-grange-care-home-surrey
Love Heather UK xxxxxxxx3 -
Matcka my mom is in a facility like you described in CT she is 86 and has had a small stroke. She no longer drives but otherwise very independent. My grandmother dies of a stroke doing the wash in an apartment downstairs from my mom. I want to do this same thing and have been casually looking. DH doesn’t want to talk about it but he’ll go along with whatever I choose when it’s time. I’ve been the one to make all the big move decisions and he trusts me in that. I wish he would give me input but… wishful thinking after 30 years.
Taught my adult computer class number 2 last night. Im really enjoying it and I sense the students are too! I hope they do extend my class to 2! I can teach social media right along with the computer. They sorta go together these days.
RvRita in sunny Roswell4 -
Machka, I have discovered I am over and done with home ownership. Repairs, ruptured pipes, raccoons, weeds, deck maintenance, cantankerous appliances, deteriorating driveway, lawn reseeding/aeration, etc. are no longer fun for me. I used to love being a homeowner.
Karen in Virginia
Well, kids are arriving. I better scoot. Hugs and love to all of you! ttfn xoxoxo KJ (Kelly)
I’m with you there. Lost first house in bankruptcy due to divorce and an ARM loan that raised the payments too high for me alone. Sold the last 2 houses for almost no profit due to repairs like the roofs and others.
[bKelly wrote: [\b]Like you, I enjoy being outside. Walks/hikes are relaxing, swimming is relaxing; but for me, most importantly, being away from my DH is relaxing. Right now, he is like a walking stress bomb for me. He is always in pain, always worried about something, always needs something; and doesn't like to listen or take advice. SO...as horrible as it sounds, the best relaxation time, would be time away from DH. I love him, but I also need time to just be in my own head, alone.”
I am much like you here but for different DH reasons.
RvRita5 -
cityjaneLondon wrote: »Karen - My heart goes out to you. I truly dread the inevitable deterioration that comes with age, or accident, or illness. I still have to somehow get DH to do something about POA. I'm finding myself putting off having that discussion again as he was so hurt and upset last time.
I intend to do all I can to keep myself healthy, but I know a lot of it is a lottery. My dream is to live into my 90s, independent and healthy and then suddenly pop off. That is extremely unlikely to happen, but DH and I exercise and eat every day with that goal in mind.
I would put him in a home if he substantially deteriorated. I do not have any carer genes. There are a few nursing homes just around the corner, so regular visiting is happily possible. If I deteriorate, I hope to have enough wits left to exit this world before I'm at the stage when I don't have any choice. I definitely do not want to be kept alive. The idea of impotence terrifies me.
Neither do I want to be with old people. Ugh.
We consider ourselves bright young things. I really do feel younger than I did in my 40s. I have so many adventures to go on, not least in my writing and developing a bigger profile. Having spent so many years in a mental mess, life is just beginning for me.
I also believe our grandchildren keep us young. Seeing life through their eyes is a constant adventure.
I love your apartment, Karen, and fully understand your reasons. I would just resent the financial commitment. Renting has always seemed like wasted money and so insecure. I am open to having help in our home. I just have to get DH to see that one day he may not be in a state to make his own decisions and others, including me, may have to make the best decisions for him.
I watch a lot of programmes about the health service, and the terrible difficulties old people have in coping at home and accessing services, breaks my heart. They are living lives of quiet desperation. No thank you.
With all my love and compassion for you wonderful carers out there. I truly appreciate you.
Heather- dh's aunt always made this comment " I want to go to bed, and wake up dead"
Sounded odd at first but then we figured it out. She wanted no pain, just die in her sleep peacefully.
She was 97 when she had a massive stroke while eating dinner at the assisted living home we had her in. Less than a week later, she was gone. She never completely woke up from the stroke-Not sure how much she heard/understood when I talked to her. She got very close to what she wanted
Heather UK xxxxxxxx
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Mentally vacationing.😜🎃💖
Rebecca
Whidbey
Wa
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cityjaneLondon wrote: »This is my nightmare. I know Beth went through a similar agony with her son.
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/oct/13/ann-king-video-abuse-reigate-grange-care-home-surrey
Love Heather UK xxxxxxxx
well that was sobering1 -
LisaInArkansas wrote: »cityjaneLondon wrote: »I would just resent the financial commitment. Renting has always seemed like wasted money and so insecure.
Heather UK xxxxxxxx
I like renting for the flexibility. Home ownership scares me......
I've never owned a house or any dwelling more structured than a tent.
M in Oz
Stepping in to answer your (probably rhetorical) questions
...
What happens if someone terrible moves in next to you?
Build a fence. That's what we did. Quite helpful, actually, for my own sense of security...
What happens if there is a flood?
Don't buy a house in a flood zone in the first place. You can check with the local land authority.
What happens if the roof needs to be replaced?
Hire someone to replace the roof. We were lucky enough to have a very small amount of damage in a storm to an old roof, so insurance paid the $10,000 replacement cost... but here's the flip side: The amount to rent here is approximately three times the amount of our mortgage payment. By the time it's fully paid off, we will have owned this house for almost five years, and in that time, we've saved more than sixty thousand dollars on rent alone. That's FAR more than we've put into it in terms of repairs, etc., and easily accommodates a roof replacement.
What if you want to pack up and move across the country or to another country?
Then sell the house and move wherever you like. This is technically the sixth house we've bought (though one was actually a warehouse that we built an apartment into, and two were live-in camper/trailers). You're not married to the house, it's a possession like any other. Admittedly the most expensive thing I've ever owned, but still, a possession.
Please note - I don't think it's a good thing or bad thing to rent or own... it's a personal decision that drives deep down into our personalities, much more than most people realize. I just try to always have all the information I can have, especially financially. It's from hard experience. I never thought I'd want to buy a house again after my first marriage, where our house payment was the last straw that tipped us over into bankruptcy (LONG story), and a house that should have been an asset became an albatross. There are no statutes of limitation on stupidity, unfortunately...
Later,
Love,
Lisa
a Friend of dh's and his girlfriend have been renting the same small apartment since before dh and I started dating. Their rent has continued to go up to where it is well more than double what they were paying when they moved in. They had to temporarily move to another one in the complex because it was being remodeled. In that time, dh and I got married and bought out house which has been paid off for about 6 yrs or more. Now, we have no house payment and they are paying a lot more in rent. If they had bought at the same time as we did, they wouldn't have to worry about rent and she wouldn't still have to work full time with no end in sight(he does freelance work and depends on her income to pay the bills)
With no house payment, we could make it if we both retired now. We are choosing to keep working because we can, not because we have to.
Debbie
Lisa[/quote]
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Debbie - that sounds about as good as it gets. We'll done aunt! I do not want to linger on.
Karen - Ghastly, wasn't it. Unfortunately, all too common. When you think of the cost of these places! Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!
My younger son is loving and responsible, and I would have him on my POA if we got round to making them, but I would much prefer to get out while the going is good. Please! I belong to My Death, My Decision and support Dignity in Dying, but neither of them support choice for someone without a terminal illness. All I can say is, NO! Like Lisa I have fantasies of finding a dignified way to die when I feel it is my time without causing any trouble to anyone. I have researched it, but DH is not on my side. I do regularly donate money to our local hospice, as I support their work.
I also do not want a funeral, just a nice meal together for those who wish to commemorate me. My remains are not me. My books are me. Memories are me. DH wants to do the same.
Strangely enough, death doesn't faze me at all. Getting old and frail definitely does. I am a control freak.
Love Heather UK xxxxxxxx
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cityjaneLondon wrote: »Debbie - that sounds about as good as it gets. We'll done aunt! I do not want to linger on.
Karen - Ghastly, wasn't it. Unfortunately, all too common. When you think of the cost of these places! Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!
My younger son is loving and responsible, and I would have him on my POA if we got round to making them, but I would much prefer to get out while the going is good. Please! I belong to My Death, My Decision and support Dignity in Dying, but neither of them support choice for someone without a terminal illness. All I can say is, NO! Like Lisa I have fantasies of finding a dignified way to die when I feel it is my time without causing any trouble to anyone. I have researched it, but DH is not on my side. I do regularly donate money to our local hospice, as I support their work.
I also do not want a funeral, just a nice meal together for those who wish to commemorate me. My remains are not me. My books are me. Memories are me. DH wants to do the same.
Strangely enough, death doesn't faze me at all. Getting old and frail definitely does. I am a control freak.
Love Heather UK xxxxxxxx
I have similar views. However, I do not want to be lulled by magical thinking and fail to plan for the "what ifs". All kinds of unexpected things happen to people who have made meticulous plans. Accepting that I can only control so much leads to the inevitable conclusion that contingency plans are tantamount. Expect the unexpected!
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Very true, Karen.
Love Heather UK xxxxxxxx1 -
Machka- Yes, like you I have a hard time finding time to "relax". My "list" is long and always weighs heavily on my head. Pretty sure this is why the doctor advised sharing my plans/list items with my family and having/letting them help get it done. Like you, I enjoy being outside. Walks/hikes are relaxing, swimming is relaxing; but for me, most importantly, being away from my DH is relaxing. Right now, he is like a walking stress bomb for me. He is always in pain, always worried about something, always needs something; and doesn't like to listen or take advice. SO...as horrible as it sounds, the best relaxation time, would be time away from DH. I love him, but I also need time to just be in my own head, alone.
Aging- My parents died young and I never had to deal with them aging. My MIL passed in 2018. She had a few health issues, but the most devastating to handle was her dementia. Her spouse cared for her, as long as he could; but she needed more round the clock care than he could provide. Costs were high. He moved in with his son's family (he is 93, in good health, and still living there) and their/her home was sold to pay for the care she needed. I, most likely, will be caring for DH until he passes. I am 56 and he is only six months older than me. His RA is advanced and he has additional health issues that complicate things for him. If his RA/health continues to progress and deteriorate the way it has, he most likely will only have five years or so left. He doesn't like to talk about his care. He is a bit "dark" and tends to talk about a quicker way to go. (Which is one of the reasons we don't own guns) Then again, he could outlive me and be THAT crabby old man that is a pain in the a** to deal with. My daughter has already said that we could move in with them when we are too old to care for ourselves. Ideally, I would like to age in my own home. Not necessarily this house, but my own place. I would also like to have a job until I die. Definitely not full time hours, but part time would be good. I have enjoyed working every job I have had. I could easily see myself working part time at a childcare center when I am in my 80s. I think I would be an excellent baby holder, singer of songs, reader of books, art teacher/helper. I do like the idea of a blended care facility. An area for aging seniors and an area for childcare. Then have common space and times when the ages can mingle and enjoy eachothers company and wisdom.
Well, kids are arriving. I better scoot. Hugs and love to all of you! ttfn xoxoxo KJ (Kelly)
Kelly- I feel the same way, on both parts about my current DH- He is such a pessimistic narrisistic (sp?)person that I really do need to just get away and enjoy quiet. I am so enjoying my walks around the wetlands almost daily- an hour to hour and a half just walking, most of the time by myself but some evenings with one friend or another. Last night it was almost two hours because the friend needed to talk/someone to listen . She is having issues with her dh too- many of the same things I am dealing with but she is already looking at filling separation papers- won't divorce him so he can keep the medical which he really needs(he was in ER again yesterday bleeding really bad from diverticulitus for the second time- last time he was in the hospital for a week from it).
I told dh just a little of what my friend said, in hopes that it will also be a wake up call to HIM- the reason she is ready to leave are the same things I have been talking to him about for us- I think we will have to have another sit down talk(only have done this one time in the past- said he would work on it but didn't last more than a week). Tired of being nothing more than room mate/maid.
I was ready to leave 6 yrs ago but things happened and I didn't- don't see me leaving actually but spending a lot less time here and a lot more time at my mom's very soon.
He knows this but is so clueless as to WHY I am doing it. He doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with the way things are.
Dh is two years younger than I am but has some health issues and does not take care of himself at all- Mainly- diabetic and eats what ever/when ever/how ever much he wants and high BP and is always stressing about things, most are unnecessary.
Debbie2
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