Wrong answers ONLY!

This example is why you don't construct your PBJ until right before you're ready to eat it. By keeping the bread, peanut butter and jelly in separate containers, you retain options. For example, in this scenario you could construct a PB-only sandwich and drink the jelly directly from the jar. As a bonus, once the jelly jar is empty, you now have a convenient holder for whatever drinks the plane does happen to have in stock. Trust me, you haven't lived until you experience cheap champagne drunk out of a (mostly) empty jelly jar at 30 thousand feet.

Our workplace drinking fountain is out of commission due to somebody attempting to pour coffee grounds into the drain and clogging the pipes. This has happened several times in the last month. The big boss wants somebody's head on a platter, and I'd rather it not be mine. Since I never drink coffee, I know it's not me, but I'm at a loss whether I should assist in the investigation or keep my head down until this all blows over. Any advice? (True story, btw.)

Just wear shorts all year round. If it’s cold you can add a hoodie but commit to shorts.

How can we include more bacon in the comments ?

Whoa...through the power of bacon, you have discovered time travel! Either that, or you've eaten a bad batch of bacon which has induced hallucinations. But since there's no such thing as bad bacon, it must be the first option.

My fantasy football team is doomed to a losing season since almost 2/3 of my players are injured. How can I predict which NFL players will get injured so I don't add them to my team next year?

But who really wants the little blighters coming knocking at your door?

They will whether you like it or not this year - so strategy is to avoid them coming next year. If they have such a bad experience this year they will spread word to avoid your place next year - doesn't matter what sort of candy you buy - but I suggest lacing with some sort of emetic.

timing is crucial here - you dont want it acting so fast that the kids vomit on your porch or even your front yard but you want it fast enough that they know it was candy from you.

you may need to experiment a bit first - try out different amounts on work colleagues or family members first.
teenage children or mothers in laws are good candidates



I am having a bbq today but it is starting to rain.
Are there any rain dances in reverse that can halt this water in its tracks?

@nossmf The reason you are only able to think of intelligent questions when you are offline is clearly because you aren't spending enough time on the internet. You need to move into a basement apartment, no windows or sources of natural light. Next stop all exercise, and strictly no healthy food whatsoever. We need you on a diet of cheetos, full sugar cola and little else for maximum focus. Spend at least 15 hours a day online, especially on sites like 4chan and reddit. I am led to believe that people who spend all of their time on those sites, arguing about politics and gaming are by far the most intelligent and witty that the world has to offer. You'll soon be able to think of the best questions for this thread if you follow those simple steps.

I'm thinking of going camping before the weather gets too cold, what are some essentials to take with me that are often overlooked for such trips?

How about “guess the number of stretch marks” or pin the tail on the baby? What mother to be wouldn’t appreciate such thoughtful games.

I’ll be on a ferry shortly for approximately 2 hours in order to get home. What should I do while on my “cruise”?

May I suggest a new slide rule and abacus for your parents? These can be used to illustrate their colorful stories told during Christmas dinner. "You know, back in my day..." (Also, there may or may not be a fellow MFPer who can tell you where to pick up these vintage Christmas gifts.) Cough cough @frankwbrown.
🤣😇

I had the craziest dream last night but 15 minutes after I woke up I couldn't remember a thing about it. Are you able to remember your dreams? If so, what's your trick for being able to do so?

Tell your friend to tell his or her partner he or she is more than willing to agree to separate bedrooms as long as they are in separate domiciles... and (let's just assume your "friend" is a woman) she gets to pick the location of her domicile. I'd go with somewhere exotic - like Fiji.

What was your first job out of high school?

I think Cheadle, Alberta, Canada would be an interesting choice. One definition of exotic is “strikingly unusual or strange in effect or appearance”. While I’m not exactly sure where you are from, I’m fairly certain you do not have a 5m tall statue of a hand holding a Cheeto complete with cheese dust on the fingers.

I’m planning on winning the lottery next week. How should I spend my millions?

Oh it’s really simple. Ask where the igloos we live in are and call us American. You’ll have new friends galore!!

What should else should Dan do when visiting Canada?

Did you not find the magic button on the heel that causes the wings to appear?
If not, you may have malfunctioning wingtips, in which case you should return the shoes and explain to them, in the most exasperated tone possible, just exactly why you are so upset. If they look at you with bewilderment, tell them you will accept 10 pairs of shoes of your choosing in lieu of a functioning pair of wingtips.

How many pairs of shoes does one need in these modern times?

I’m not a gentleman but I’m fairly certain the only way to do this politely is to move to another continent and tell her you have no plans to return. If she decides to follow you, I’m afraid you’ll probably need to marry her and hope she tires of you quickly. Let us know how that goes for you.

Speaking of shoes, tell us about your favourite pair and why they are.

Didn't we establish earlier (or maybe that was in another thread 🤔) that you can get anything from Amazon? Look for the new filter where you are able to specify your preferences with regard to hair and eye color, height, age (not weight - no one gets to ask that), the number of children in your instant family, etc. The best part of all? If you're a Prime member, your new family will be shipped overnight to any address you provide.

Halloween is fast approaching. What's your favorite Halloween tradition?

I think you should dress as a scrapbook of her life complete with photos from the time she had bubbles on her head in the bath to the horrible braces pic, to the awkward haircut phase and everything in between. You’ll meet so many of her friends as they want to check out the photos more closely!!

I’m now one month into my new job and it seems like the right time to make it mine by making major changes. What should I change?

I think you should institute naptime as part of the day - much like preschool days. Remember how much energy you had then? I'm sure that's totally attributable to those afternoon naps. You can convert one of the larger offices into a space for this, complete with blackout curtains and little cots.

Anyone else?