Free Therapy: Another Open Letter!

Dear Long-Hair Boys in the car when I was 19,

When I am riding my bike on a one lane road with no sidewalk, and you come by and smack my *kitten* and then I fall off my bike in terror - it is not funny. I could have been killed or seriously injured, and you just kept going. Which was probably smart. If I had gotten your license plate number you would have heard from my uncle the Personal-Injury-Attorney.

Signed,

Yeah, it's a cute *kitten*, but hands off!

Wow you must have an amazing booty woman. Seriously who does this? People amaze me. I'll PM you with what some guy said to my aunt last night. UGH!

Dear Lady Who Ran Past Me Today,

The next time you see me riding my bike ALL the way to the store, and you KNOW you are going there too, could you just ask us what we need so I dont have to go ALL THE WAY there???

It is quite annoying when our elders pass us up, and then dont offer to pick up our stuff and pay for it.

Signed,

The Lazy Long Haired Boy On The Bike

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

BTW - you did look awesome flying past us..

One of the Other Long Haired Boys..

:happy:

Flattery will get you everywhere!

Dear Oakland Police Department:

Thank you for discriminating against my husband because of his age. When I heard that three officers were shot and killed yesterday, I was saddened and upset for their families, but so relieved that my husband was not there.
Signed,
Getting scared to keep working in Oakland

Dear co-worker,

Next time you would like to take Fri night off, you should just ask if I'd like to work your shift. You really didn't need to lie about a family member coming to town at the last minute and you needing the night off., And if you going to lie be sure to tell your family and friends so that they don't call looking for you and telling me " oh that's right she told me a few days ago that she was taking today off". I will never work your shift for you again,so find someone else to take advantage of.

Dear hormonally bloated body cells-- every blinkin', last one of you--

Give it a rest already-- isn't it enough that you have to bedevil me 3 weeks out of every month? You're now going for the fourth? Enough!!! I ran 17 miles since last Monday and have counted my calories, and you'd never know it since you're so stingy with the water elimination.

I'd like to visually enjoy the fruits of my labor, if you don't mind you @#! middle aged hormonal body, you!!

Signed,

Disgruntled and puffy!!!!!!

Dear stepson,

Thank you for being a big jerk. Not everyone in this house likes Star Wars the same way you do, and your incessant adding of Star Wars comments and quotes to every conversation is rather annoying. That being said, when your brother is working on homework, even if it is a video commercial and looks like fun, do not keep telling him it would be better with a random Jedi running through it. He told you once it was homework, told you twice it was for school, and asked you three times to stop. Then he came and got me, because I won't ask you to stop, I'll send you to your stinkin' room and make you stop!

This does not make him a tattletale, this makes him a good kid, because he didn't slug you like he wanted to do. This does not make me a mean b**** like I heard you call me after you slammed your door, this makes me the queen of the house. You're only 11, and I'm still bigger, smarter, and a whole heck of a lot bossier than you, so if you want to go head to head, I'm more than willing. But, if you'd like to take a bit to think about it, and can cool down a little, then you can come out and help film the commercial when we do it later today. By the way, I'm making a cake for the "stars and crew" when the shoot is done. It will be delicious, and I'm happy to share with you, as long as you can control the attitude, and be helpful instead of annoying.

Love,
Your evil step-mom

Wait, is his name Eric from that 70's show??? :laugh:

Dear Alarm Clock,
Why must you go off when I don't want to get up, yet don't go off when I really count on you and need to be up??? WTF!!
--Sleepy--

Dear Best Friends Mother,
What is your f***ing problem? You are the parent. There is no reason for you to be so dependent on you daughter to do everything for you. She is not your slave. Your fat lazy a** needs to get up and turn the tv off so you can run your own errands, look for your own job, cook your own food, clean your own house, and the let the dog out when the door is 10 feet away from you. Stop taking advantage of your daughter who only puts up with you so world war 3 doesnt break out and you dont giver her crap for doing things for you. And if you call her fat (who is not fat and has been the same size for the past 8 years) , while you weigh over 350 lbs., one more time i might tell you what I truely think of you...that your are the biggest b**ch I know. Stop using your daughter and pay her back since you owe at least $200. GRRRRRRR!!
Sincerely,
The Pissed Off Best Friend

That does make me feel alittle better.

dear new job,

I start you tomorrow, and I need you to be gentle until we become accustomed to one another.

Hopefully things stay cool between us and I don't do anything dumb.
That's all.

Scared a little chitless,
Lynnie who's going to seriously be a sales manager? seriously!

Dear Lynnie,



With your new beautiful hair and your killer sense of humor, they are going to love you. Yikes, new jobs are nail-biters.

Take Greek Yogurt, give it to the boss. She'll be your love-slave.

Signed,

You don't need any employees in WA State, do ya? I'm not working, cmr.

Dear Long-Hair Boys in the car when I was 19,

When I am riding my bike on a one lane road with no sidewalk, and you come by and smack my *kitten* and then I fall off my bike in terror - it is not funny. I could have been killed or seriously injured, and you just kept going. Which was probably smart. If I had gotten your license plate number you would have heard from my uncle the Personal-Injury-Attorney.

Signed,

Yeah, it's a cute *kitten*, but hands off!

omg!:noway: i actually say out loud to who ever is in the passegner seat when we see someone on a bike "10 points if you smack them on the *kitten*" but i never thought anyone would ever actually do it. im glad you werent run over!

Dear Cassie,
ha. Careful what you ask for, someone may take you up on it and someone is dead.

Signed,
Not amused

Letters to people at the Pat Green show on Friday:

Dear Dude In Front of Me,
I know we are in Cowboys Dancehall, but really? Is it necessary to scream "yeeehaw" every 5 minutes?

Dear Lady in need of Pictures,
Trust me, ma'am. I love Pat Green more than most, and yes I do take a bunch of pictures during the show. But in order to get these pictures, I never put my grandma elbow arm in front of someones face as my purse smacks said person against the face. SO WHY DO YOU DO IT TO ME? HMM?

Dear F***face with the beer bottle,
What? WHAT? Why are you staring at my chest? I'm in a damn t-shirt. They can't possibly be that hott right now and you are creeping me the f*** out.

Dear dude with the handle-bar mustache,
Hahahahaha nice. Real classy.

Dear couple making out in front of me,
I am so happy that you have found love. I have gotten past my bitterness and I am so happy for you. But is it necessary do also dry hump each other? Really? You're in public, people.

Dear minors,
That lime green bracelet and giant M on your hands mean that you are not allowed to drink. It also means that you have entered a building filled with adults, so how about you try to act like one? How about you not start arguments with your BFF and pout. Come on now. Grow up.

Dear Several B******,
I am aware that we are all packed together and you might need to leave the center of the crowd. I don't blame you. So when you want out, I will gladly step aside for a moment and let you pass. It is not necessary for you to PUSH your way out. B****!

Dear Larry,(AKA rotten *kitten*),

Our daughter that you left me pregnant with 34 years ago is going to be a mother, She is wonderful! We have a great relationship and I will be a very happy Grandmother. Although you have never seen her or even cared I thought you should know that she could care less if you even breathe. Karma is a terrible thing when it bites you on the hind end. She is beautiful! In all fairness thanks for the contribution to the DNA, however she is nothing like you she is kind, wonderfully self sufficient and I expect her to be a great mother! Too bad you will never know your grandchild, that is the price for being a *kitten*.
Note to all men, the babies you leave behind usually grow up to hate you!

Sincerely,

You know who

I know why, too bad!

dear new job,

I start you tomorrow, and I need you to be gentle until we become accustomed to one another.

Hopefully things stay cool between us and I don't do anything dumb.
That's all.

Scared a little chitless,
Lynnie who's going to seriously be a sales manager? seriously!

Dear Lynnie,



With your new beautiful hair and your killer sense of humor, they are going to love you. Yikes, new jobs are nail-biters.

Take Greek Yogurt, give it to the boss. She'll be your love-slave.

Signed,

You don't need any employees in WA State, do ya? I'm not working, cmr.

CM,

Today went great, everyone was so nice and I felt like I had been there forever, everyone was so nice.

I have to put in 10 hour days, but I get an hour for lunch and I got to take a walk after I ate. The one hour commute each way may get on my nerves at some point, but for now I just look at it as a chance to be a rock star singing at the top of my lungs all the way there and back. Nothing was in the same place as at my old store, but I had grown bored with things being the same after three years anyways. And despite my 12 hours involved with work, I still came home and cleaned the kitchen, made a homemade pizza with fresh mozz, (although I will regret that), fresh basil, and sun dried tomato...AND walked 2 miles. Who says you slow down at 40?

Your note made my day, I peeked at it during my lunch:bigsmile:

Lynnie
the girl who is kinda tuckered out

dear honey bear,

i know you are my faithful rotty, and i do love love love when you cuddle with me on the couch. well ok its not so much cuddling but more you letting me have some of the couch while you hold me hostage and make me pet you. but i enjoy our time none the less. but PLEASE stop farting. it was so gross when i took a breath...i could taste it. :sick:

signed,

no longer a fan of alpo hearty cuts. im putting you back on purina.

dear honey bear,

i know you are my faithful rotty, and i do love love love when you cuddle with me on the couch. well ok its not so much cuddling but more you letting me have some of the couch while you hold me hostage and make me pet you. but i enjoy our time none the less. but PLEASE stop farting. it was so gross when i took a breath...i could taste it. :sick:

signed,

no longer a fan of alpo hearty cuts. im putting you back on purina.

I just knew with a rotti it would come down to foul oders!! What IS it with them loveable pups:laugh: ??

dear honey bear,

i know you are my faithful rotty, and i do love love love when you cuddle with me on the couch. well ok its not so much cuddling but more you letting me have some of the couch while you hold me hostage and make me pet you. but i enjoy our time none the less. but PLEASE stop farting. it was so gross when i took a breath...i could taste it. :sick:

signed,

no longer a fan of alpo hearty cuts. im putting you back on purina.

I just knew with a rotti it would come down to foul oders!! What IS it with them loveable pups:laugh: ??

i dont know:laugh: . but my house reeks right now, i gave her a new flavor food....never again. i let her out to go potty, but it didnt help. :noway:

I learned long ago not to change up their food! They do NOT need variety and rotis have a really sensitive digestive system (dont have one now, but my aussie is horrible with a small bowl of milk!)0

One word...............GLADE!!:laugh: