Is it wrong?
Replies
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It is not wrong that you have guy friends. What is wrong is that you are pretending to want to work it out. If you TRULY believed you wanted to be with him, you would not purposely make him uncomfortable just to make a point. Marriage does not work like that.0
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Having both my husband and I who served in the military for over 9 years, my husband was never worried about me being the only female in the shop, working side-by-side next to men, every day 50-60 hrs per week, going on deployments etc.
However, there were friends of his that I didn't like, and friends of mine who he didn't like. We chose each other over them. You don't have to give up being true to yourself, however, your husband is part of your life too.
There's a lot more things going on under the surface. If he can't be included in you friendships, since you and him are ONE unit, whether that's his part of not wanting to be involved, or your part for not including him - you need to choose.
Your husband should be your best friend. I have "friends" but nothing like my husband. I can tell him anything... it wasn't always like this. We've been married just over 9 years, and he's NEVER supported me on anything until recently. If you both really want to work things out, you gotta make the sacrifices.
And especially this:I once read something about how dealing with opposite sex friendships is all about keeping the "windows and walls" all in the right place. When there is something private going on in your marriage, if your marriage is solid there is a "wall" in place that separates you and your opposite sex friends, but a "window" between you and your spouse - meaning you talk about it with your spouse and not your friends. Trouble comes when there is a window between you and your guy friend and a wall between you and your husband. So I think it's perfectly fine to have opposite sex friends, as long as you're not sharing super intimate details about your husband with them (especially knowing how your husband feels). If you are, it puts you on a level of intimacy that your husband (understandably) feels uncomfortable with.0 -
I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends.
^^^This statement concerns me. Your marriage should come before all other relationships. Otherwise, why bother getting married? You should just be friends with your husband. I'm glad I rank higher than anyone else in my husband's life, and I'm happy to place him above all others as well. That's the deal we made when we said our vows.0 -
Not gonna lie - I never read all the responses so I apologize if this has been said .
Is it wrong to have friends of the opposite sex? IMHO no. Men and women can be friends with out the sex thing getting in the way - majority of my friends are male. We do things together often (drinks, movies, work on cars etc.) I have never so much as thought of the guys as more than just friends and I never would and vice versa - I have had male friends GFs become quite upset when they find out a girl is around until they get to know me - and then they see that it is nothing but a platonic friendship. I honestly see my male friends as no different than my female friends, I love them all but I don't want to sleep with them.
Now if I was in a relationship, I would totally include my SO when I was going out with the guys or at least ask him to come along so that he does not feel I was hiding anything from him. I would also never ask him to get rid of female friends but I would ask he show me the same respect and ask me along to with them even if it is just to get to know them.
Have you asked your husband to go to place with you and your male friends? Does he know them? Perhaps invite him to join the softball team, and if he doesn't ask him to come watch or hang out at the diamonds (I used to do this with my Ex that played Co-ed slow pitch as I hate playing but I always had fun just hanging out and getting to know his friends).0 -
Divorce sucks! Don't ruin your marriage. Please talk to your husband and get to the bottom of where his feelings are coming from. If you don't want to honor his feelings than maybe you would be better getting divorced. BUT if you have kids, please try to find a way to work it out. It really is not fair to your kids.
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I disagree. Divorcing my exhusband was the best thing I ever did. Unfortunately, it sounds like the OP married him.
A marriage is not all about what HE wants. She also has wants and needs. She was friends with these men before marriage so they were part of the package that he should have accepted when he married her rather than attempting to control by changing the rules later in the relationship.
It sounds to me like neither are getting what they want from this relationship and it may be time to move on.0 -
I've been happily married for 26 years and most of my current friends are female. I've always had more female friends than male friends. I just seem to get along with women better than men. Most of my wife's friends are female too but she does have some male friends as well. We trust each other so this isn't a problem. It sounds like a trust issue to me. Your husband seems quite possessive but I don't know all the history of your relationship so I don't feel qualified to say whether this is true or not.0
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i am shocked and amazed by the number of ppl saying drop ur friends for your husbands happiness after reading all the comments i really dont think it would matter it would just be something else after like family or work and so on
basically what i have read leads me to believe that i should do whatever my partner asks me to do regardless of how unhappy and depressed it makes me cos marriage is about making the other happy i always thought marriage was about making each other happy and respecting and trusting each other or is that just me being stupid0 -
If your relationship is awesome with your husband, if he is getting what he feels is his share of fair attention, this would likely not be an issue.
Consider this a symptom.
And also ask yourself why you feel the need to keep in touch with single guy friends that no longer live near you, and why you have some loyalty to keeping those relationships alive. Sure, a hi now and then, but to actively engage on a regular basis seems odd to me.
^^ win
In the end, live and let live so this is just my opinion.
^ win
you're lying to yourself, and the worst part is you started believing it. You know exactly what you want, If you rather have occasional contact with single male friends that live far as opposed to having contact with your husband everyday, then go ahead. i hope you like living with cats.0 -
You said he was never the same since he got back from deployement and that he started living in a shell, not wanting to go out and such. How long has he been back?
Something probably happened when he was deployed and he doesn't know how to handle it, etc. (PTSS) Some of the "boys" I knew who joined the miliarty, were deployed and came back "men" were never the same. Military personnel see and experience things that we can never imagine in a lifetime and they do a lot of growing and changing.
As frustrating as it is for you, it sounds like he really needs YOUR support right now. Has he gone to counseling besides marriage counseling since coming back? If not, help him get in with someone. He needs you there for him right now. As hard as that is, don't disrespect his wishes right now. I haven't read through all the posts, but your true friends will be there for you while you help him handle the issues that are affecting him right now.
God bless him for serving our country!0 -
The thing about a post like this is you are going to get some people who agree with you and some who don't, and you can just choose to ignore those who don't.
Why did you get married? Because you loved this man and wanted to be a part of his life for the rest of your life? That is some commitment there! And with that commitment comes a whole lot of compromising. I once read an article from doctor Phil that said marriage should never be 50/50...it should be 100/100. Each person should be giving 100% all of the time and when both partners are doing this neither feels slighted. I agree completely...unfortunately I didn't actually understand this until I was divorced.
Divorce wasn't an easy decision, or at least I didn't want it to look that way. So we went to counseling, twice! The first time my husband didn't agree with what she was telling him to change, said she was only agreeing with me because she was a woman. So he chose the next, at our last session together he almost fought the guy...literally! He couldn't take being told he was wrong.
Makes him sound crazy right? Only he wasn't the only one at fault for my divorce...I believe I checked out before seeing either of the counselors and I was just doing it to save face. At least I could say I tried right?! Our issues had nothing to do with friends of the opposite sex but he wanted me to stay at home and I wanted a career. We could not see eye to eye and I was not going to let him decide my future for me!
Fast forward three years...I have my career, and all of the stress that comes with being a single mom. He has a new wife, she is a stay at home mom. Both of our lives have move forward and we even found a way to be friends...you know who suffers? Our kids!!
If you don't have kids and don't want to try anymore then don't...
But if you have kids then before deciding if your marriage is more important that hanging out with your male friends decide are your male friends worth missing out on half of your children's lives? Half the holidays, half of the weekends, watching your children become close to your ex's new spouse? These were the things I didn't weigh out before I made my decision. And judging by our relationship now I am guessing that if we both wanted it...we could've found a compromise.0 -
i am shocked and amazed by the number of ppl saying drop ur friends for your husbands happiness after reading all the comments i really dont think it would matter it would just be something else after like family or work and so on
basically what i have read leads me to believe that i should do whatever my partner asks me to do regardless of how unhappy and depressed it makes me cos marriage is about making the other happy i always thought marriage was about making each other happy and respecting and trusting each other or is that just me being stupid
Marriage is all about compromise and mutual respect... without those, there is no trust or happiness. If fulfilling the needs of your partner would make you unhappy or depressed then chances are you're not ready to be married.0 -
Ok...here's my point of view after reading ALL your posts. First, you married this man, so can I safely assume he was not this way before he went away? Can we agree that you loved everything about this man BEFORE he left for duty? That he was a loving man who respected you? If so, then here's my oppinion.
First...I have a guy friend at work, he's to most people an attractive guy and when we started hanging out I'm sure tons of rumors swirled about us, but in the 5 years we've known eachother, I have had zero interest in him, because I see him as I see other friends....a friend....I give him advice on life, we chat, vent, go for coffee together, lunches ect....and if my husband disagreed, we'll....we'd have to figure out why he doesnt trust ME.....So...I think it's wrong to say guys and girls can't be friends....UNSTABLE guys and girls can't be friends...but people in a stable, loving, trusting relationship can definitely be friends with whoever they want!
That being said. It sounds like your husband has suffered some serious trauma being away. While it's very quick to bash him for his actions, just try and think for 2 seconds what life was like over there for him? I think men are screwed up as it is emotionally, imagine adding that kind of trauma, I can't even imagine! Now he comes home, he's all messed up inside, sick and tired of "talking" to a therapist because he's so messed up. He is probably so lost, and spiralling further and further out of control. He is lashing out at the one person he knows loves him enough to be hurt by everything, because deep down inside, hurting you probably feels good in some way because it's the only emotion he can deal with at this moment.
Is it wrong to have male friends? absolultely not, but right now, your husband is seriously messed up. He needs to love himself again before he can love anyone else. He needs to be brought back down to earth and I think that starts with you saying....I'm here and I'm not going anywhere and even though I have ZERO clue what you've been through, I said "for better or worse" and this is the "worse" part and I'm going to fight like hell to get you to the land of the living again...he's LITERALLY coccooning himself away from the world. My advice, reach out to other solider's wives...there must be some sort of support groups where you are....find out what works...and I think it starts with a new therapist who has dealt with soliders.......
Once you sort everything out and get your marriage back on track.....I bet you'll see this whole "no guys allowed" thing dissapear...now...not saying this will be resolved in a month....I'm 8 years into a life with a man who grew up with a cold mother and we are still working on him being ok with opening up about his feelings....it's a struggle...every...single...day....but I love him like no other and I'm willing to love enough for the both of us....
How your husband is acting is one thousand percent inappropriate...it is wrong wrong wrong and NO one would blame you for walking away....EVER....but...you need to remind yourself of who you married and remember he can be that person again..but he needs your help. Not you to say " well f you...you can't decide who my friends are!" .......You just have to decide....Do you have that energy to put into fixing this...because at this point, you have to love enough for both of you.
Good luck....what your facing is going to be a long journey...if you come out on the other side together you'll be stronger and have a ten times better marriage than HALF the stupid comments posted here(not saying everyones are stupid...but seriously....come on people).......and if you dont....like I said...no one would judge you....
***This***0 -
if the needs of your partner make you unhappy or depressed then chances are your spouse is being unreasonable and/or you married the wrong person. not necessarily not ready to be married at all...i am shocked and amazed by the number of ppl saying drop ur friends for your husbands happiness after reading all the comments i really dont think it would matter it would just be something else after like family or work and so on
basically what i have read leads me to believe that i should do whatever my partner asks me to do regardless of how unhappy and depressed it makes me cos marriage is about making the other happy i always thought marriage was about making each other happy and respecting and trusting each other or is that just me being stupid
Marriage is all about compromise and mutual respect... without those, there is no trust or happiness. If fulfilling the needs of your partner would make you unhappy or depressed then chances are you're not ready to be married.
you said it yourself, marriage is about compromise and mutual respect. if your spouse cannot respect and trust you enough to make good choices when they arent around - there are bigger things to worry about than the sex of your friends.
if my husband ever asked me to give up my male friends for no reason, id tell him hes crazy. im sure he'd say the same if i asked him to stop seeing or talking to his female friends.0 -
I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...
As a wife its your job to do everything you can to make him feel secure, while there may be other issues at hand, you need to do everything you can do. If you are commited to your marriage more than your friends, you will do it. I would start with a comprimise if you cant let it go- like I will only be around tehm in group settings or when your husabnd is there- and I will not call any more or a comprise. --- Dont give away something to anyone else that you havent first given at home- maybe he feels you are putting more time into thoese relationships with other men. He needs to work on being there for you, instead of them. Sometimes you have to go through the fire, but your dedication to him will strengthen you marriage.0 -
As a wife, it's my job to be a partner who is trustworthy and respectful. But it's not my job to do EVERYTHING to make him feel secure. He should feel secure because I AM trustworthy and respectful.
I would never choose any friend over my husband. He's everything to me. But I would not be happy if my husband decided that the person I was when he met me and when he married me was not acceptable anymore.
My ex-boyfriend was like that. "You're perfect! I love you just the way you are!" Then he slowly tried to be Henry Higgins to my Eliza Doolittle and change me into something I was not. Which is why he is an EX boyfriend.0 -
Divorce sucks! Don't ruin your marriage. Please talk to your husband and get to the bottom of where his feelings are coming from. If you don't want to honor his feelings than maybe you would be better getting divorced. BUT if you have kids, please try to find a way to work it out. It really is not fair to your kids.
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I disagree. Divorcing my exhusband was the best thing I ever did. Unfortunately, it sounds like the OP married him.
A marriage is not all about what HE wants. She also has wants and needs. She was friends with these men before marriage so they were part of the package that he should have accepted when he married her rather than attempting to control by changing the rules later in the relationship.
It sounds to me like neither are getting what they want from this relationship and it may be time to move on.
Nobody is saying it is all about how HE feels, but if he feels uncomfortable it is worth getting to the bottom of. Why does he feel so uncomfortable and insecure? It is worth exploring before doing something drastic like divorce. Some people can't work it out and should get divorced, especially when there is abuse.
I have never been divorced, but my husband has and I have seen how difficult it has been for him and his children. It affected them and is still affecting them in so many adverse ways. Sure if he hadn't gotten divorce I wouldn't have met or married him, but I met him years later after much of the destructiveness had already taken place. [Guess what broke up their relationship: friendships with members of the opposite sex. They both began to confide in their friends instead of talking to each other. Marriage doesn't stay healthy that way and they grew apart. My husband has learned from his failed marriage and would never put our relationship in that kind of danger.]
All I was saying is that it sounds like she has made her mind up before truly finding out what is causing his insecurities. From the original post, it sounds like she is "sticking to her guns" and not going to change no matter what. Of course we have no idea how the husband truly feels about any of this. We don't know if she has been a flirt their whole relationship or if friends have come between them before or what. I just think that both parties should respect the others feelings and wishes and it did not seem as though the wife was doing this. I am basing my response solely on the "vibe" I got from the original post. In the post I sensed resentment, defiance, and an inability to see it from two sides. I do not personally know either party, but responded because she asked and "is it wrong." I personally feel, based on what she posted, that she is wrong.0 -
i am shocked and amazed by the number of ppl saying drop ur friends for your husbands happiness after reading all the comments i really dont think it would matter it would just be something else after like family or work and so on
basically what i have read leads me to believe that i should do whatever my partner asks me to do regardless of how unhappy and depressed it makes me cos marriage is about making the other happy i always thought marriage was about making each other happy and respecting and trusting each other or is that just me being stupid
The majority of the posts of this nature are ONLY from MARRIED FEMALES... which tells me this... they are in controlling relationships and are willing to be submissive to their husbands' wishes and not "rock the boat" in the interest of having any sort of individuality outside of the marriage. Catering to the insecurities and jealousy and control in order to "respect his wishes".
I don't think anyone should be forced to drop their friends because someone else (male or female... doesn't really matter... just noticing a pattern in the majority of the responses) says so. Nobody OWNS anyone, and relationships are a two way street...0 -
I am married and have been for 6 years. When my husband and I got married I used to have tons of guy friends! Since we got married and I moved, I still keep in contact with them from time to time which my husband says bothers him, but I still do it because I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends. So I was seeing our marriage counselor who told me that I should not have any guy friends. He said it is bad for the marriage. What!? Really? I encourage my husband to have friends that are girls because I am hoping if he doesn't listen to me, then maybe he will listen to thier advice! lol. I have no issues with it, I am not a jelous person, I have no problems with him going out with the guys to a bar, or dance club at all. He doesn't see it that way though. He and apparently my counselor think that once you are married you should not have friends of the opposite sex that aren't also married or it can "ruin" the marriage.
What do you all think of this? I am not going to stop chatting or hanging out with my guy friends because I think it's stupid to assume my marital problems are because I have friends that are guys. I rarely talk to them on the phone, and I have one or two main guy friends that I hang out with in a group when I go out with the girls, but I have never done or said anything that would give him any reason to be jelous so I have a hard time understanding why he is. I have never cheated on him, even when we were filing for divorce, and we are currently in marriage counseling right now and the newest thing is that he is not happy that I'm on a coed softball team since I am going to be around guys! It's like he is so insecure with himself, he can't stand to let me talk to anyone else!
I know exactly how I feel about this and am going to stick to my guns on this one, but what would you all do in this situation and what do you think about it?
I think you're absolutely, 110% right. I don't know what your counselor is thinking, either, maybe you should find a different one? That's absurd. It seems like common sense that a marriage which can't survive friendships, the problems aren't because of the friendships. Relationships are hurt far, far more when one party feels it has given up a lot to be in the relationship, and giving up your friends would do just that. Good for you and well done sticking to your guns.0 -
I would never hang out with single men if I was married. And I would never hang out with married men if I was single.0
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I have a few single guy friends on facebook. Ok, off the top of my head I can only think of two who are single. One I went to school with, the other I was in a dance company with. They're good friends but they live in different states. My husband is generally pretty laid back about things like this and if for some reason he had an issue with it I'd explain why I want to keep them as friends. If he still had a problem I'd probably have to delete them as friends because my relationship with my husband (the father of my children) is more important than occasionally talking to two guys on facebook.0
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What the ladies don't understand is all of your guy friends have thought of or are thinking about sleeping with you. Men just work that way..0
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What the ladies don't understand is all of your guy friends have thought of or are thinking about sleeping with you. Men just work that way..
^ this. being single, I know this all too well.0 -
After reading ALL the comments, I see why the divorce rate in America is extremely high these days. You have GOT to be kidding me!!!!!!!! Really, divorce your husband because he does not want you hanging out with your male friends? How about praying?!?
It seems to me like people are taking wedding vows for granted these days. The saying, "till death do us part" doesn't mean, "well, unless I can't have my way"...
I don't know your situation, but the answer is not on MFP.0 -
the issue is a bit bigger than not hanging out with male friends. he was fine with it for the first 6 years, why the sudden change?After reading ALL the comments, I see why the divorce rate in America is extremely high these days. You have GOT to be kidding me!!!!!!!! Really, divorce your husband because he does not want you hanging out with your male friends? How about praying?!?
It seems to me like people are taking wedding vows for granted these days. The saying, "till death do us part" doesn't mean, "well, unless I can't have my way"...
I don't know your situation, but the answer is not on MFP.
yes, she should discuss it with him and try to figure something out, but if he is unwilling to trust his wife then it will never work. and not everyone prays.0 -
Men know what other men are like. There is no real true friendhship between a man and a woman. Men majority of the time have a mentality to hunt. There may be a sense of jealousy from your husband that you get along with these male friends whilst you and your husband are having problems. even when you didnt have problems. its true that when you are married the only relationship you should have with a man is with your husband. he should be your best friend amongst other things. what could you possibly have to talk to other men about? most western women are the cause of all divorces. mainly because they wont compromise or always think they are in the right even when they are doing wrong. and also because they crave the attention of other men. they like to be looked at and/or centre of attention and think harmless flirting is ok. if you crave the attention of other men just goes to show your not ready for the relationship or should not be in one. its the ego of saying i wont change that sends everything in a downward spiral. it dont matter the age, some women never learn and always wonder why relationships go wrong. start looking at yourself!!!! also men do analyse things from the beginning of a relationship, you say he has no reason to mistrust you but men are not stupid he could probably see you talking to men and seeing them make you smile. you are servicing and feeding these inadequacies to him. very selfish act. best councellor you can get is a pastor or priest.
Good Luck. 0 -
My now ex husband was like this in the beginning. I could NOT be friends with my Male friend who I knew for 11+ years. I gave in and stopped having male friends because I loved him and didn't want him to feel insecure Then he realized I was bi sexual and that I could possibly cheat on him with women too. So I was NOT allowed to be friends with males OR females I could only be friends with his or my family members (its a small circle and all in it are jerks/abusive/selfish/delinquets). That got old fast. But WAIT then I was not allowed to go to the grocery store alone because the butcher was too friendly with me... It just got worse and worse. Then he started making me afraid to leave my home at all by telling me about all the crimes in our neighborhood and by making me call him when I got to my car, got to my college class, got to my car to come home, was in the car in the parking lot and he would come out and walk me into the building. OMG it got to be too much. I finally broke down and tried to reason with him but he wouldn't have it. I grew a pair and brought it up a few times and he had it and beat me to a pulp in front of our 4 month old child. The state awarded him custody of our child because I was unstable from the 4 years of abuse. I went crawling back and submitted for a while. Then 2 years ago he started abusing our kids. I stood up to him he beat the snot out of me and our kids. I had him arrested this time and didn't drop the charges. Now I have custody of our two boys. I will NEVER date or marry someone AGAIN who cannot trust me to have the friends I want to have weather male, female, transgender, animal, vegatable or mineral. lol
How is your husband going to handle it if your future children have friends who's only parent is a single father? Are they not going to be friends with them because you and the friends father might become friends? What about male co workers, male bosses? Male doctors? Male teachers???
Definately your "male" theripist is a dip****. If the friend was making him uncomfortable and it was a female the male theripist wouldn't say you can't be friends with females now would he???0 -
It isn't the fact that you have guy friends that is the problem. The problem is that your husband is concerned about you having guy friends, and you don't care about his concern. You care more about your guy friends than about your husband's feelings. THAT is the reason it's bad for your marriage. I have guy friends who aren't married, and it's not a problem for my marriage, but my husband is okay with it. If he wasn't, I'd have to respect his wishes, because he's my husband and my vows were made to him, not to my single guy friends. If you don't respect your husband and care about his feelings, I'm afraid you won't be married for long. My guess is that the more you "stick to your guns", the less comfortable your hubby will be with you having these guy friends. If you were willing to give them up to make him more comfortable, he might eventually come around and be okay with it. (No guarantees about that, but it would be far more likely than if you continue to prioritize your relationships with other men over your relationship with your husband...)0
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After reading ALL the comments, I see why the divorce rate in America is extremely high these days. You have GOT to be kidding me!!!!!!!! Really, divorce your husband because he does not want you hanging out with your male friends? How about praying?!?
It seems to me like people are taking wedding vows for granted these days. The saying, "till death do us part" doesn't mean, "well, unless I can't have my way"...
I don't know your situation, but the answer is not on MFP.
^
^
^
This.0 -
It isn't the fact that you have guy friends that is the problem. The problem is that your husband is concerned about you having guy friends, and you don't care about his concern. You care more about your guy friends than about your husband's feelings. THAT is the reason it's bad for your marriage. I have guy friends who aren't married, and it's not a problem for my marriage, but my husband is okay with it. If he wasn't, I'd have to respect his wishes, because he's my husband and my vows were made to him, not to my single guy friends. If you don't respect your husband and care about his feelings, I'm afraid you won't be married for long. My guess is that the more you "stick to your guns", the less comfortable your hubby will be with you having these guy friends. If you were willing to give them up to make him more comfortable, he might eventually come around and be okay with it. (No guarantees about that, but it would be far more likely than if you continue to prioritize your relationships with other men over your relationship with your husband...)
but he WAS ok with it for 6 years, its just recently since he started going out of town for gun shows that hes decided he doesnt like her having male friends.0 -
It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.
Agree!
It's not just about the friends. It's about something that makes your husband uncomfortable and that he has asked you not to do - and you choosing to do it regardless. I'm not saying you should just blindly follow what your husband says but there should be communication and you should be able to come to an agreement about any situation.
I have to agree with this. I have been married for 17 1/2 years and have made my share of mistakes (one being that I was so young when we got married that I didn't understand respect and would hang out with co-workers that were men). If your husband asks you not to, your marriage counselor (who is a professional I am assuming) asks you not to....hmmmmm.0
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