Is it wrong?
Replies
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But the bank doesn't have to give consent to be robbed. The wife would have to give consent to cheat. If he trusts his wife, it wouldn't matter who she's around.
The more appropriate question is why the wife would want to hang out with guys who are like that.
Now you're assuming her male friends all want to sleep with her. Grow the *kitten* up, men and women can be friends and leave it just as friends. This post is really starting to bother me with all these asinine responses.
Wow, that was harsh. I think you should look in the mirror.
I'm sorry, it's just infuriating the way people are just assuming men and women cannot be friends simply because they're different genders, which of course means they are going to want to sleep together. And what does checking myself out in the mirror have anything to do with this post?
Telling me to grow the *kitten* up. It's a bit ironic isn't it? I haven't attacked anyone on here yet you choose to do so to me. Hence the look in the mirror statement, you tell me to grow up yet your first retort is an attack.
Someone above had mentioned that they were surprised no one had told anyone to "Grow the *kitten* up." So, I did. I did not "attack" you, I asked you to grow up, maybe a bit harshly. Which I also did apologize for and followed with an explanation. It's simply, as I stated above, infuriating that people are so close minded as to assume men and women cannot be simply friends.
So you don't think you'd get defensive if someone told you to grow the *kitten* up? Non-attacks don't warrant defense. Quit sidestepping the issue, there is no "maybe."
And next time why don't YOU grow up a bit and state your opinion without taking it out on someone? That is what mature people do, right? Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, including yourself. Stating that I need to grow up due to one opinion of mine is asinine.0 -
Im not dating anyone now however that seems to be a problem I run into time to time! Im in the service. Been in for 12 years and it's hard to meet guys that wont blink because I work around guys and just in general get along with them better! It's not like your the only female on the team so I don't get that! If your guy friends are single, I would simply re-assure your husband that nothing like that is going on. If he is still completely against you seeing them. Simply ask why? His answer can't be "Just cause" Maybe it's deeper than that but you need to know. If he gives you reasonable explanation then consider his feelings. However if you refuse to stop hanging out with them maybe your using them! *Now don't take that negatively* I did it! It just simply means you know your guys friends appreciate you for who you are and still like you. You may or may not be getting the attention your husband should be giving you so it fills that void, and I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally! It's hard to think, "Why can't my husband be this nice? Why can't my husband see my point on that?" It hard to let go of friends that have been there through everything and still love you and then have someone come into your life and say "It's me or him"! Usually there is compromise! The only thing I agree with that I read a couple posts saying..."You've already made up your mind and if your done you probably shouldn't drag on the counceling. I wish you luck, I definately see both sides and feel free to message me!0
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This thread is pretty epic0
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It's also been my experience that people who don't trust are people who can't be trusted. They think everyone is as conniving and devious as they are.
I think you are right! I am gonna write this down:)
nonsense....my sister is a crack addict and steals and lies to all of us in the family. we love her and hope she gets better but dont trust her.
these sweeping generalizations are nonsense.
Did I really need to spell out that I meant unfounded mistrust? Of course if someone's already proven themselves to be untrustworthy it would be foolish to trust them. I hope your sister gets better, too, and I bet if she didn't lie and steal, you would trust her, and did trust her before she lied and stole.
But after six years of marriage when he didn't have a problem with these friends, all of a sudden, he's going out of town alone and having issues with her having the same friends? Fishy.
I used to take ballroom dance lessons with my ex, before he was my ex. We'd dated 8 years. He started accusing me of flirting with the other guys there. His accusations didn't make sense (because I'm the least flirty person on the planet) until he started dating one of the girls from dance class within days of our split. Projection happens and it's not a sweeping generalization.
A sweeping generalization is saying that all men want to screw every woman they're friends with.
I love your comments! Hahaha0 -
This thread is pretty epic
Lol.
I really do appreciate the different view points and opinions. I have definetely thought a lot about it and if he is willing to open up to me why he feels that way, Im going to tell my friends I am taking a break for a few weeks and see if that makes him happier. If he still acts weird and accuses me of these things, then there are bigger issues at hand. I don't hang out with guys alone when I go out. There are always girls present except when I went to the gym with a guy friend who is married with 2 kids. I don't give any guys special attention or chose them over him. I simply just talk to them on facebook and nothing that I wouldn't show him or say to him. Nothing suspicious or flirty. I have had guy friends in the past that I was attracted too but I have self control and I avoid situations where I wouldn't be thinking clearly. He was gone for 15 months on deployment and I not once so much as kissed a guy or cheated when he was gone the whole time. I simply have morales, and my beliefs are stronger then the impulse to cheat.Of course if I wanted to cheat I had opportunities present themselves, but in those situations I would tell them I was flattered but not that type of girl and would walk away or cut off communication then tell my husband why I don't hang out with that guy anymore..etc... There were times I spent hours at the gym and when I got home he asked me where I was and I said, at the gym, why? And he would say I know you are telling the truth, I saw your car there.....WTF? He even checks up on me! That makes me feel upset that he doesn't trust me even thoug I tell him everything!0 -
It's also been my experience that people who don't trust are people who can't be trusted. They think everyone is as conniving and devious as they are.
I think you are right! I am gonna write this down:)
nonsense....my sister is a crack addict and steals and lies to all of us in the family. we love her and hope she gets better but dont trust her.
these sweeping generalizations are nonsense.
Did I really need to spell out that I meant unfounded mistrust? Of course if someone's already proven themselves to be untrustworthy it would be foolish to trust them. I hope your sister gets better, too, and I bet if she didn't lie and steal, you would trust her, and did trust her before she lied and stole.
But after six years of marriage when he didn't have a problem with these friends, all of a sudden, he's going out of town alone and having issues with her having the same friends? Fishy.
I used to take ballroom dance lessons with my ex, before he was my ex. We'd dated 8 years. He started accusing me of flirting with the other guys there. His accusations didn't make sense (because I'm the least flirty person on the planet) until he started dating one of the girls from dance class within days of our split. Projection happens and it's not a sweeping generalization.
A sweeping generalization is saying that all men want to screw every woman they're friends with.
Seriously?
Ever wondered why all the attractive woman have the most guy friends? Also take note men are not stupid and we are masters in manipulating people and we know what most men's intentions are.
I dated a stunning girl for the past 3 years that has more than 400 males friends on facebook. People don't friend you for the sake of being friends, they friend you because the are attracted to you in some way or other and even though they are friendzoned...they are likely to take advantage of you when the opportunity rise. Sadly this happened to me last year when one of my gf's male friend requested a naked picture of her via a chat application, I admired his approach as he sent a picture of his skinny model torso and enquired about waxing...with a joke attitude he teased her and asked if she could send something sexy back. Luckily she rejected his request but lied to my face when I found out and did not delete this friend.
Though I don't deprive her of her friends, but I don't trust her any more and I lost respect for her.0 -
I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...
It seems pretty apparent that you want out. But no one on a message board hearing only your side of the story can possibly help you deal with this properly... Your issues in your marriage are obviously much deeper than this.
^ I agree with this x a million. There are issues there, in prob many more forms than the ones being focused on. There seems to be a lack of trust, respect, communication, understanding or even a desire to fix any of those. I don't see how this will work if your picking single male friends over him, I dont believe there is enough love there to hold it together. I think deep down you dont really want the marriage.
I am married to a sexy younger man, he has girls, esp single hot young ones, all over him all the time. Even single men buds wanting to go to bars or strip clubs. But he does not. Why? He feels it is disrespectful to our marrage and is opening up doors. anything that would hurt or upset me he would never do. And we might argue at times, but we always find a solution. Its important to WORK TOGETHER. and i just do not see that here.0 -
The whoel point of being with someone is accepting them with every part of what they are... and the baggage that comes with them. Plain and simple. Please continue to have those guy friends in your life because no one should have to choose between friends and a relationship. So yes.. "stick to your GUNS"!! I would do the exact same thing you are. If he has insecurity issues than maybe he should hang out with you and your friends but if he doesnt want to than thats his problem. Your marriage counselor knows what the root of the problem is that is causing so many arguements in your marriage but its not your fault that he is so insecure bout you having guy friends. I guess the counselor figures that if you get rid of the problem(aka guys friends) than arguements will stop but they wont because than you'll be unhappy. You'll begin to feel controlled and trapped just because your left finger carries a ring. Forget that! Do you girlie!0
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It's also been my experience that people who don't trust are people who can't be trusted. They think everyone is as conniving and devious as they are.
I don't think that applies to everyone. People who have been raped or abused, especially if it was by someone close to them like a friend or a family member, have trust issues that really can't be helped. It's not their fault, and certainly not something that can be changed in a short amount of time. I'm not saying her husband has this type of issue, just making a point...0 -
The whoel point of being with someone is accepting them with every part of what they are... and the baggage that comes with them. Plain and simple. Please continue to have those guy friends in your life because no one should have to choose between friends and a relationship. So yes.. "stick to your GUNS"!! I would do the exact same thing you are. If he has insecurity issues than maybe he should hang out with you and your friends but if he doesnt want to than thats his problem. Your marriage counselor knows what the root of the problem is that is causing so many arguements in your marriage but its not your fault that he is so insecure bout you having guy friends. I guess the counselor figures that if you get rid of the problem(aka guys friends) than arguements will stop but they wont because than you'll be unhappy. You'll begin to feel controlled and trapped just because your left finger carries a ring. Forget that! Do you girlie!
i could have sworn that being married was going from a "you" to an "us". I did not realize that selfish thoughts about just your needs and "he has to accept you, but not you him" were what good marriages were made of. idk. but my marriage is an "us" marriage. Not a "me vs him". I think the issue some ppl have in relationships is letting go. Letting go of the past life they lived, letting go of selfish "me" thoughts, letting go of trust issues and giving 100% into one big beautiful agreement to love each other. to be one. your neglecting his needs. so what if he is insecure. if you were insecure about something and he did not care he would be called a d*ck. But because its reversed its all "girl power" and i just do not agree.
but to each their own. no one can walk the path for you. its your life dear.0 -
I have been following this thread for 2 days and I have read pretty much all the responses.
I am aware that we may not have all the facts but based on what you've said I don't think you're friends are the problem, I think you husband as issues and he may benefit from individual counselling.
I have been married for four years and been with my husband just over 7 I have friends of both genders (some old and some new) and so does he, the idea of him cheating would never pop into my head and like wise I don't think the idea of me cheating would pop into his.
There is a guy that I work with and we have lunch together about once a month, I've never hesitated to tell my husband about it, we even joke about my "dates" with this collegue.
As this thread started yesterday and you were planning on talking to your husband about it then how did it go? Was he able to give you any clear answers on this sudden change of heart?0 -
I have been following this thread for 2 days and I have read pretty much all the responses.
I am aware that we may not have all the facts but based on what you've said I don't think you're friends are the problem, I think you husband as issues and he may benefit from individual counselling.
I have been married for four years and been with my husband just over 7 I have friends of both genders (some old and some new) and so does he, the idea of him cheating would never pop into my head and like wise I don't think the idea of me cheating would pop into his.
There is a guy that I work with and we have lunch together about once a month, I've never hesitated to tell my husband about it, we even joke about my "dates" with this collegue.
As this thread started yesterday and you were planning on talking to your husband about it then how did it go? Was he able to give you any clear answers on this sudden change of heart?
Anyone noticed that those who are married for 10 and less years tend to agree to having friends, the older and wiser people who are married for longer is anti-friends?0 -
Wow... If having guy friends is bad for a marriage, then I absolutely should never, ever get married. Ever.0
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I think the problem is your husband. Seriously, he's bugged by you being on a co-ed softball team?! That screams jealousy problems, and jealousy is not part of a healthy relationship. It sounds to me like he wants to control you, and I think you should see that as a blazing red flag.
And, not that this should matter, but FWIW, I'm saying this as someone who has been with her husband for 15 years. And, yes, I have plenty of male friends -- some single, some partnered.0 -
Also, you need to dump that idiot of a counselor. Sounds more like he's pushing his own agenda than actually trying to help you and your husband have a healthy relationship0
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It's also been my experience that people who don't trust are people who can't be trusted. They think everyone is as conniving and devious as they are.
I think you are right! I am gonna write this down:)
nonsense....my sister is a crack addict and steals and lies to all of us in the family. we love her and hope she gets better but dont trust her.
these sweeping generalizations are nonsense.
Did I really need to spell out that I meant unfounded mistrust? Of course if someone's already proven themselves to be untrustworthy it would be foolish to trust them. I hope your sister gets better, too, and I bet if she didn't lie and steal, you would trust her, and did trust her before she lied and stole.
But after six years of marriage when he didn't have a problem with these friends, all of a sudden, he's going out of town alone and having issues with her having the same friends? Fishy.
I used to take ballroom dance lessons with my ex, before he was my ex. We'd dated 8 years. He started accusing me of flirting with the other guys there. His accusations didn't make sense (because I'm the least flirty person on the planet) until he started dating one of the girls from dance class within days of our split. Projection happens and it's not a sweeping generalization.
A sweeping generalization is saying that all men want to screw every woman they're friends with.
Seriously?
Ever wondered why all the attractive woman have the most guy friends? Also take note men are not stupid and we are masters in manipulating people and we know what most men's intentions are.
I dated a stunning girl for the past 3 years that has more than 400 males friends on facebook. People don't friend you for the sake of being friends, they friend you because the are attracted to you in some way or other and even though they are friendzoned...they are likely to take advantage of you when the opportunity rise. Sadly this happened to me last year when one of my gf's male friend requested a naked picture of her via a chat application, I admired his approach as he sent a picture of his skinny model torso and enquired about waxing...with a joke attitude he teased her and asked if she could send something sexy back. Luckily she rejected his request but lied to my face when I found out and did not delete this friend.
Though I don't deprive her of her friends, but I don't trust her any more and I lost respect for her.
You lost trust and respect for HER because some skeezy guy hit on her?! How is THAT fair? Hell, if I thought I was going to be judged by the actions of everyone I knew, I might lie about it, too. But I'd be more likely to ditch a guy who didn't trust or respect me.0 -
You knew them BEFORE the marriage. I always tell my boyfriend: "I had a life before you and Im not going to drop it just because you came into my life and are now insecure about it." In return, I dont care when he hangs out with old high school friends who are girls. In fact I get along with them. Its all about trust, honesty, and communication. You are still your own person after a marriage. As long as you arent being disrespectful and crossing a line with your single male friends then who cares!?0
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It's also been my experience that people who don't trust are people who can't be trusted. They think everyone is as conniving and devious as they are.
I think you are right! I am gonna write this down:)
nonsense....my sister is a crack addict and steals and lies to all of us in the family. we love her and hope she gets better but dont trust her.
these sweeping generalizations are nonsense.
Did I really need to spell out that I meant unfounded mistrust? Of course if someone's already proven themselves to be untrustworthy it would be foolish to trust them. I hope your sister gets better, too, and I bet if she didn't lie and steal, you would trust her, and did trust her before she lied and stole.
But after six years of marriage when he didn't have a problem with these friends, all of a sudden, he's going out of town alone and having issues with her having the same friends? Fishy.
I used to take ballroom dance lessons with my ex, before he was my ex. We'd dated 8 years. He started accusing me of flirting with the other guys there. His accusations didn't make sense (because I'm the least flirty person on the planet) until he started dating one of the girls from dance class within days of our split. Projection happens and it's not a sweeping generalization.
A sweeping generalization is saying that all men want to screw every woman they're friends with.
Seriously?
Ever wondered why all the attractive woman have the most guy friends? Also take note men are not stupid and we are masters in manipulating people and we know what most men's intentions are.
I dated a stunning girl for the past 3 years that has more than 400 males friends on facebook. People don't friend you for the sake of being friends, they friend you because the are attracted to you in some way or other and even though they are friendzoned...they are likely to take advantage of you when the opportunity rise. Sadly this happened to me last year when one of my gf's male friend requested a naked picture of her via a chat application, I admired his approach as he sent a picture of his skinny model torso and enquired about waxing...with a joke attitude he teased her and asked if she could send something sexy back. Luckily she rejected his request but lied to my face when I found out and did not delete this friend.
Though I don't deprive her of her friends, but I don't trust her any more and I lost respect for her.
You lost trust and respect for HER because some skeezy guy hit on her?! How is THAT fair? Hell, if I thought I was going to be judged by the actions of everyone I knew, I might lie about it, too. But I'd be more likely to ditch a guy who didn't trust or respect me.
I lost trust and respect for her for lying to me and not able to take action against her douche of a friend.0 -
This thread is pretty epic
Lol.
I really do appreciate the different view points and opinions. I have definetely thought a lot about it and if he is willing to open up to me why he feels that way, Im going to tell my friends I am taking a break for a few weeks and see if that makes him happier. If he still acts weird and accuses me of these things, then there are bigger issues at hand. I don't hang out with guys alone when I go out. There are always girls present except when I went to the gym with a guy friend who is married with 2 kids. I don't give any guys special attention or chose them over him. I simply just talk to them on facebook and nothing that I wouldn't show him or say to him. Nothing suspicious or flirty. I have had guy friends in the past that I was attracted too but I have self control and I avoid situations where I wouldn't be thinking clearly. He was gone for 15 months on deployment and I not once so much as kissed a guy or cheated when he was gone the whole time. I simply have morales, and my beliefs are stronger then the impulse to cheat.Of course if I wanted to cheat I had opportunities present themselves, but in those situations I would tell them I was flattered but not that type of girl and would walk away or cut off communication then tell my husband why I don't hang out with that guy anymore..etc... There were times I spent hours at the gym and when I got home he asked me where I was and I said, at the gym, why? And he would say I know you are telling the truth, I saw your car there.....WTF? He even checks up on me! That makes me feel upset that he doesn't trust me even thoug I tell him everything!
I'm sorry that everyone is too busy arguing their own points with each other to have noticed that you posted that he is FOLLOWING YOU to make sure you are where you say you are. This is scary. This is not normal harmless jealousy or protectiveness. This is going to a bad place really quickly. I know because I have been there. There is more to this than him not liking you to hang out with guys. This is obsession and possession and wrong.
I'm not sure that even counseling is going to help this. I'm not an advocate for splitting up a marriage, but some things need to be ended before they get too far.
I'm sorry for being s candid, but I have been where you are (though not married to him), and wound up being stalked relentlessly. I eventually had to have him arrested.
I think the marriage is over. And I think sticking around any longer is going to make things go to a scary place.0 -
wow this is crazy! im not sure why you cant have friends of the opposite sex?? i'm baffled by this!!!!0
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I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...
I felt exactly like this while I was married to my first husband. My second husband (been together for 14 years next month) was one of my "guy friends" that my ex didn't want me to hang with. I didn't think there was anything there, but clearly there was and my ex saw it.0 -
I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...
It seems pretty apparent that you want out. But no one on a message board hearing only your side of the story can possibly help you deal with this properly... Your issues in your marriage are obviously much deeper than this.
exactly! Seems like you are looking for everyone here to agree with you, but how can we agree with you when we have no idea what is going on in your hubby's mind?0 -
I've only read the initial post
I think having legitimate friends of the opposite sex is no big deal. Although it seems common, I never understood the whole you aren't allowed to have friends of the opposite sex once you are married. That is dumb.0 -
haha, this is such a hot topic. I don't mind if a girl i am dating has male friends as long as she invites me to hang out now and then. I only have a handfull of female friends that i go get lunch or happy hour with from time to time. It does bother me when girls insist on hanging out with their exes. That, at least to me, is a no go. Especially when they drunk text or call at late hours. no one calls someone at 3am to chat. I don't hang with mine, so i think it is only fair she has the same respect. I would also never try to change someone. If she does things i don't like, i would rather end it than change someone. I have had girls try to change me and i end up resenting them in the end. Their have also been women who have said they would change things, but I don't want to be "that guy."
The fact he is upset about a co-ed softball team just screams insecurities. The only time i have been jealous is when i am being unfaithful. Projecting my own wrong doings onto her. Obviously unfair and something i did when i was younger and stupid. I don't care if she hangs with men all day as long as she puts me ahead of her male friends.
I have never been married or even close, so i guess my opinion is invalid. just my two sense.0 -
I have male friends, but my male friends are also friends with my husband, and my girls friends are his friends. I don't think I'd be comfortable with single women that I wasn't friends with, I trust him, I don't trust other women. He wouldn't be comfortable with me chilling with single guys and I understand that because I've had single guy friends and they always had other intentions.0
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I agree with this wholeheartedly...I have male friends, but my male friends are also friends with my husband, and my girls friends are his friends. I don't think I'd be comfortable with single women that I wasn't friends with, I trust him, I don't trust other women. He wouldn't be comfortable with me chilling with single guys and I understand that because I've had single guy friends and they always had other intentions.
I once had to remind an unattached woman that the man he is trying to sit on his lap had a wedding ring on and that it matched mine... She wasnt listening to my husband when he said "hell no lady"..... you betcha she listened to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0 -
YES!!I'm sorry that everyone is too busy arguing their own points with each other to have noticed that you posted that he is FOLLOWING YOU to make sure you are where you say you are. This is scary. This is not normal harmless jealousy or protectiveness. This is going to a bad place really quickly. I know because I have been there. There is more to this than him not liking you to hang out with guys. This is obsession and possession and wrong.
I'm not sure that even counseling is going to help this. I'm not an advocate for splitting up a marriage, but some things need to be ended before they get too far.
I'm sorry for being s candid, but I have been where you are (though not married to him), and wound up being stalked relentlessly. I eventually had to have him arrested.
I think the marriage is over. And I think sticking around any longer is going to make things go to a scary place.0 -
Maybe the counselor isn't saying across-the-board, as "the right thing", people cannot be in a healthy marriage and have friendships with the opposite sex. Maybe the counselor is saying in YOUR marriage, IF you want it to work (for now, at least), you cannot have friends of the opposite sex. And, as others have said, it seems you prioritize having the friends over having your marriage. There must be reason for that and I assume that's why you guys are in counseling. What are the friends providing for you that he is not? What are they providing that a female friend cannot? Maybe he needs to give you more attention, be more outgoing, get personal counseling for his insecurity. Being with an insecure husband can be really hard but, if you love him, you'll put the guy friends aside and talk to him tenderly about how you feel his insecurity is damaging the foundation of what you have.
In my opinion, too often, we think the grass is greener on the other side when our marriage hasn't been tended to in a while. It's a two-part deal though. Consider not giving up, because right around the corner is another man with a whole new set of issues for you.0 -
My fiance has the same issue with one of my guy friends. He asked me to happy hour after work one day, and so my fiance refused to pick up our son from daycare saying that I didn't need to go. At first I was angry that he was allowed to go out with his friends, but after we had talked about it, I saw that he genuinely does not trust this specific person alone with me, especially when drinking is involved. Whether or not he has a valid reason not to trust him or me, is beside the point. I saw that it really would be something that he would be bothered by, so I don't do it. His feelings are more important to me than happy hour with a friend. This doesn't mean I am not allowed to talk to him, just not go hang out with him without my fiance.0
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I can't believe this thread is still going...0
This discussion has been closed.
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