I think my husband is trying to keep me fat.....

However, and several people have mentioned this (runninginpink's story is particularly clear on this point), when you unilaterally change the status quo in your relationship, there will always be a reaction.

Not to split hairs, but I thought I was particularly clear that losing weight/living a healthier lifestyle was something that my former husband and I had discussed and agreed to do together, not a unilateral decision.

Everyone's relationship is different; we of course hope for the best, but ultimately must remember that we can only control our actions (and reactions).

There has been alot of advice given on here, some helpful, some not so helpful. I'll toss my two cents in here, which may help or may not. Hopefully, it will.

I can see both your point of view and your husband's. I have been in support groups where the people got no support from family/home, and it DOES make it extremely difficult to stay on track. While I won't try and surmise what his motivation is, YOU must do what is necessary to keep YOUR motivation and determination up, until you can have a nice long talk with him (which you NEED to do).

There are some things that can help you in this respect.
1. Keep logging in to MFP. We can be your support group. To this end, feel free to send me (and my wife, Pammyky) a friend request. There are a number of really good, caring, considerate people on here who would be delighted to act as a confidante, helper, etc, that you can vent to when you are having some especially difficult times with him.
2. Recognize that YOU can't control the actions of others, only your response to them. Getting upset about what others do will only lead you into a vicious circle of resentment and (ultimately) failure.
3. If you are a spiritual person, ask God for His help in resisting temptation. (It really works) Having Him in your support group will help work wonders for you, and give you strength against temptation that you wouldn't believe.
4. If he is a spiritual person, remind him what Paul said about intentionally impeding another's growth "...that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way." (Romans 14:13 KJV)
5. If you need to have separate food, so be it. WE are the ones with the weight / health issues.
6. While it wouldn't be right to ask him to deny what he "wants" to eat, you could let him know (in a very loving way) that you would really appreciate it if he wouldn't bring YOU stuff you know is not good for you.


WHEN you have your talk with him, PLEASE do it with love and kindness, but be firm. Sit down with him, turn off the TV, put the kids to bed, take his hands in yours, and look straight into his eyes. Tell him how important this is to you. Let him know that on a scale of 1 to 10, this is a 12 in importance. Let him know how much you love him, and that you don't plan on leaving him when you reach your goal (assuming that it truly your stance), and that you just want to get healthy so that you can spend your years together growing old and going on adventures together, instead of going to the doctor's office or the drugstore together.
Let him know how much it would mean to you if you KNEW he was behind you 100% in achieving this goal, and that ACTIONS speak loudest. Let him know that you understand his point of view, but that this is a LIFELONG endeavor, not just a phase.

Relationships can be strained beyond belief when one struggles with demons, while the other can only (helplessly) watch. Platitudes and "encouraging words" can sometimes be extremely out of place, and sometimes it is worthwhile to not say ANYTHING. Ultimately, however, if your marriage is to survive this storm, you MUST communicate: HONESTLY, KINDLY, OPENLY, AND OFTEN. Sometimes us guys JUST DON'T GET IT the first or second or tenth time around, and it takes a few more training sessions before we finally see the light, but if his love for you is strong, he will eventually come around. Relationships are HARD WORK, but SO WORTH IT when you finally find yourself on the right track and the same path together!

While I couldn't fathom how it must be to not have spousal support in any venture, I must also say that there are things my wife can have that I cannot, but I will neither forbid her from bringing them in the house, nor will I forbid her from having them. I am the one with the issue, not her.

I hope these words have helped you, and if they do, please feel free to share any of these points with others to help them when you see fit.

Sounds like he doesnt want to change. This can be a problem for people especially when they dont have the support from their significant other. Being healthy and exercising is a complete life style change mentally and physically and it most certainly can cause your relashionship to either grow closer together or drag you further apart depending on the other persons out take on the matter. Remember some people are just perfectly happy with their life and or life styles and unlike you see nothing wrong with it. This is generally where the issues of change come into play on a negative level. If this is you and if you are the cook of the family and hes not into your new diet change then you might want to make 2 seperate dinners to avoid conflict, but you really should discuss the radical change with him first. Just my 2 cents


Edit: After reading these posts there are to many ladies trying to think like a man and its either way way out there or way way off and its kind of funny actually LOL. There is no hidden way we think for you girls or some deep thought out hidden agenda haha. This is totally women trying to think like men and its super funny. Look we are men and men are simple minded and honestly most of us men/guys just want to eat what ever it is we want to eat and dont like to be told other wise, plain and simple as that. Sorry to break your hearts for those of you who got all deep. Here is a real manly piece of advice that some women here are trying to tell you to do but dont do it because its a really bad idea. DONT THROW HIS FOOD AWAY!! Just sayin this will not end well especially if he is going out and picking out the kind of foods he wants to eat and brings them home. You should really discuss this change with him and find a middle ground.

Sounds like the same week I had. Chocolate chip cookies followed by brownies, cookie/brownie mix, pizza, spice cake, then oat meal chocolate chip cookies today. What I did was took a very small piece of what was made logged it in then planned the rest of my food / exercise around it. I also keep healthy snacks around the house for me like fruit or yogurt for when I'm craving more later . My husband is starting to see my figure looking better and has seemed to be more on board today so I hope the rest of my family will be on board soon.

OP, I feel sympathetic for you, but I'm going to have to take the other position here, just like I've had to take it in my own home.

For the rest of your life, you are going to be surrounded by food. It's everywhere, including the food you're trying to cut down on. Yes, it can be a real test of will to resist, but you have to learn to master yourself. OK, the girl scout cookies on the kitchen counter are calling to me, but I'm trying to leave them for my wife and daughter. I think you have to be able to deal with the "bad" food that's lying around, and know that you have the power to avoid the things that keep you from getting to where you want to go. Of course, we all slip up on that sometimes, but slipping up less is still a big step in the right direction.

Now, that doesn't excuse outright crummy behavior on your SO's part -- marriage is a team sport, and everybody has to give a little. I just think that a unilateral "I can't have it, so you shouldn't either" policy probably isn't workable for most couples. I try for something more along the lines of "Out of sight, out of mind," and try to make sure the junk food is harder to get to than the not-junk food, but that's what works for me.

Stay strong, stick to your goals, and your SO will come around eventually.

I'm sure he probably is trying to keep you fat. I've had a couple of boyfriends who did this, with one being particularly bad about it. It's a self esteem and security issue on his end. He's afraid if you lose weight guys will start flirting with you more and will give him competition, or that you may leave him for someone else once you're thin. You're going to have to address what the real issue is with him; just be ready for him to deny everything. He likely won't want to admit that it's based on his own insecurity. Be strong and don't give in to the temptations. Put your foot down and tell him how it's going to be!

^^^^ this!

Omg I totally sympathize my bf is a body builder and bulking right now ... its non stop pasta, pizza, bread, meat, ice cream, you name it ... hes eating it across from me while I much my little plate of turkey and veggies or my salad... I just keep reminding myself of the sweet revenge coming his way... AKA other guys checking out his skinny gf! BURN

OMG what heck is wrong with you? He is bulking so he can grow more lean muscle mass because he is a body builder and he is going to undoubtedly even gain some extra bf fat and that part sucks. It doesnt sound like he is purposely eating all that food to spite you and your diet in some way. Then you are going to take it as such and take it out on him and try and "BURN" him? Dayymmm your are real piece of work. :thumbs down:

Because I have self control issues with some junk foods, I ask my partner to simply not eat them around me and keep them hidden if he does choose to purchase them. That is all I ask, but I don't tell him what to eat, nor does he tell me what to eat.

He is not on a diet. You are. Just because you are ready, doesn't mean he is.

Just a thought.

this!

did he use to buy/eat all that stuff before you were on a diet?
if not then yes he is sabotagging you, but if yes, then damn it he has right to eat them because you are the one going on diet, not him.

just right now my house is full of candies, chocolates, i have probably 10 bags of chips in the kitchen, nuts, burgers oh yes, and we had cake on valantines day that my s/o was eating for a week - i didn't but he requested it as a gift,

just because you can't eat them, he shouldn't be punished.

A few things:

1. Compromise: I've had to compromise a bit with my husband and dear daughter (she is 12). There is a list of food that we avoid bringing in the house (for example, I can pass up potato chips UNLESS it is Cool Ranch Doritos). If they do bring it in the house I don't know about it.

2. I don't know if your husband is overweight or not, but even if he is thin he can't be healthy eating all of this stuff. Maybe you could encourage him to eat better, but make some allowances. For example, maybe healthy stuff and then Friday night is pizza night and on Saturday night there is dessert after dinner.

3. Your husband could very well feel self-conscious or guilty about what he is eating. Maybe he feels bad eating junk along, but not with you. Or maybe he is worried that you won't want him anymore. My husband actually asked if I was going to find a "hot, rich man" when I lost all the weight. He said it in half-jest.

4. But when it comes down to it... alas... it is your problem to deal with. There will always be fatty huge portions of food. At restaurants, family gatherings, breakroom tables, etc.... You control your fork and as much as that sucks it is the truth. We can only change ourselves.

Yes!! Agreed.

And one more thing to add, as silly as it sounds, until very recently, i actually thought a side of potato chips was a good addition to a sandwich meal! At nearly 50, it's a shock to me how little i know bout food. It is only in the last few weeks that i could even begin to estimate the calorie content of what you described. So it is quite possible he is just plain old clueless about the extend of damage he is doing. In any case, maybe get him to hide it if he has to bring it in the house and ask him to never never bring anything home expecting you to eat it.

He is not on a diet. You are. Just because you are ready, doesn't mean he is.

Just a thought.

^^^ totally agree. when i started losing weight again i stupidly told him not to bring any junk into the house and found out out he was hiding it in the car to support me! but then thats not fair on him! so i said its ok he can get what he wants. He works hard and he is a chef so he loves his food== he has started cooking healthier at home though.
temptation will always be around us. Im learning that just because that cake is there i dont have to have a piece.
in work there is always yummies around for someones birthday etc but its all about saying no at the end of the day..

I skipped right to the reply. What he brings into the house to eat, let him eat. He is not sitting you down and forcing you to eat pizza, cookies, and cake. Its called willpower, so use it. My husband is a junk food fanatic. He eats a box of oreos in one sitting. Do I care? No not really. He busts his butt at work so he deserves it. He never pressures me to eat what he is. So if your husband wants to eat that stuff, so be it. Move on.

Omg I totally sympathize my bf is a body builder and bulking right now ... its non stop pasta, pizza, bread, meat, ice cream, you name it ... hes eating it across from me while I much my little plate of turkey and veggies or my salad... I just keep reminding myself of the sweet revenge coming his way... AKA other guys checking out his skinny gf! BURN

OMG what heck is wrong with you? He is bulking so he can grow more lean muscle mass because he is a body builder and he is going to undoubtedly even gain some extra bf fat and that part sucks. It doesnt sound like he is purposely eating all that food to spite you and your diet in some way. Then you are going to take it as such and take it out on him and try and "BURN" him? Dayymmm your are real piece of work. :thumbs down:

brilliant!

He is not on a diet. You are. Just because you are ready, doesn't mean he is.

Just a thought.

I agree with this! You have to remember that he's not on the diet and just because you can't have doesn't mean he has to deprive himself of it. My husband brings fattening food into the house as well. As long as you eat in moderation you will be okay. As far as the breadsticks he was thinking of you however he probably didn't realize the amount of calories in them. My husband underestimates calories a lot. I just gently tell him why I can't have that and then put them in the fridge for I'm to have. That keeps us both happy and until my wonderful 270 lb hubby decides he is on board it is p to me to make sue I eat what I'm supposed to. He does eat the healthy stuff I make as well.

Good luck and try to see it from his side and te fact that he's not on this diet.

just because its in the house doesnt mean you got to eat it! i mean my boyfriend brings home all manner of rubbish food but i wouldn't dream of tucking in. unless of course i had some "spare" calories to use up and i might treat myself to a nibble
A little of what you fancy does you good.....and stops you craving!