Favorite CLEAN jokes?

How do you make a tissue dance?

But a little buggie in it!


A middle aged women went to her doctor to inquire when her parents should be put in a nursing home. Doc says he give them a test.

Doc said, "if i fill a tub full of water and I give you a teaspoon, a cup, and a bucket . . . what would you use to empty the tub."
Woman say, "bucket because its bigger."
Doc says, "back a bag so you can go to the nursing home. Most people will just pull the plug."

(sounds better in person! : ) )

New Fave:

BAHAHHAHAHAH

Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:

A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."

St. Patty's ? reallllly??? :noway:

But St. Patrick was English so he was Patrick and not Padraig..... /runsawayfromthrownwhiskeybottles

Still the patron saint of Ireland...
Almost all Irish find it offensive to say "St Patty".

Not a debate! Just jokes missy! I will punish you

HEY! Don't take away my sport!

A duck walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey buddy, your pants are down."

Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:

A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."

St. Patty's ? reallllly??? :noway:

But St. Patrick was English so he was Patrick and not Padraig..... /runsawayfromthrownwhiskeybottles

Still the patron saint of Ireland...
Almost all Irish find it offensive to say "St Patty".

Not a debate! Just jokes missy! I will punish you

Sorry That just really grinds my gears.
Ooooh punish? I like the sound of this. :laugh:

I do sincerely apologize. I was rushing to type, and with all the adverts here saying "St. Patty's" It was floating around my brain. I do realize the exceptionally high regard that St. Patrick is held. I would never purposefully insult you or he.

Now the punishing and gear grinding....you are both just teasing me now.

What's brown and sticky?






A Stick

Courtesy of my 3 year old nephew

I LOVE that joke - forgotten about it till you said it and I snorted water out my nose!

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bar tender says, "Hey fella, why the long face?"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are walking down the street at night when a man corners them and points a gun at them.

"I've had enough of you women," he says. "Any last words before I shoot you?"

The redhead steps forward, clears her throat and then looks behind him and yells out "Tornado!" The man turns around and the redhead quickly runs away.

He's annoyed, but asks the brunette the same question. She steps forward, looks panicked and yells out "Flood!"

He's distracted again and the brunette makes her escape. Pretty miffed by now, he faces the blonde and asks "What're your last words then?"

The blonde girl smiles, calmly steps forward and yells at the top of her voice: "Fire!"

Ok, newly married couple....home on their first day after the honeymoon.....the husband is ready to head out to work when his wife says hey hun, can I make you something for breakfast? He says hey how about we (ahem ahem) instead...so they go at it.....
and he takes off to work.
Lunchtime rolls around and he stops in tellin the wife honey I'm home......wife turns and says ok what do you want for lunch? Well, how about we (ahem ahem) instead?
so they go another round and he heads back to work.......So he finishes his day and as he walks in, sees his wife sliding down the banister. He turns to his wife and says hey hun, what are you doing?
I just figured I'd warm up dinner

Lmao. I will be stealing this one.

Stop celebrating with food your not a dog!!

What do fish say when they hit a brick wall??



Dam!

a farmer has three pretty daughters, and they are all upstairs getting ready to go out on dates. the father is sitting on the front porch, shotgun across his lap, waiting for the lucky fellas to arrive.

around 6 o'clock, the first fella shows up and says, "hey! my name's freddy, i'm here for betty - we're going out for spaghetti, is she ready?" the father calls up to betty and tells her to have a nice time.

a bit later, the second fella shows up and says, "hi! my name's joe, i'm here for floe - we're going out to the show, is she ready to go?" the father calls up to floe and tells her to enjoy the program.

by now the sun is going down, and the third fella arrives and says, "hello, my name's chuck..."

farmer shot chuck.

JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THEM!

Troof!

Bump!!

Here lies Kevin Hollister (1990-2012)
Diagnosed with kleptomania in 1998
Got his first job at the grenade factory in 2012