Favorite CLEAN jokes?
Replies
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Two cows are talking.
Cow 1: "Hey, did you hear about that mad cow disease?"
Cow 2: "Yeah, but I'm not worried about it."
Cow 1: "Why not?"
Cow 2: "I'm a duck."
*SNORT*0 -
How do you make a tissue dance?
But a little buggie in it!
A middle aged women went to her doctor to inquire when her parents should be put in a nursing home. Doc says he give them a test.
Doc said, "if i fill a tub full of water and I give you a teaspoon, a cup, and a bucket . . . what would you use to empty the tub."
Woman say, "bucket because its bigger."
Doc says, "back a bag so you can go to the nursing home. Most people will just pull the plug."
(sounds better in person! : ) )0 -
Knock-Knock
Who's There?
Interrupting cow
Interruptting Co---
MOOO!
Why was the skelton afraid to cross the road?
No guts.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two. But they have to be very, very tiny.
What do you call that smelly untalented idiot who hangs out with the band?
The drummer.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. But he holds the bulb, while the rest of the world revolves around him.
*drummer joke told to me by someone who had just broken up with drummer.0 -
New Fave:
BAHAHHAHAHAH0 -
My favorite Chuck Norris joke:
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.0 -
Some of these are SO funny!0
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Breaking news this afternoon: Corduroy pillows are making headlines.0
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Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:
A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."
St. Patty's ? reallllly??? :noway:
But St. Patrick was English so he was Patrick and not Padraig..... /runsawayfromthrownwhiskeybottles
Still the patron saint of Ireland...
Almost all Irish find it offensive to say "St Patty".
Not a debate! Just jokes missy! I will punish you
HEY! Don't take away my sport!0 -
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.0 -
A duck walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey buddy, your pants are down."0
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Why did the bus die?
The pistons were shot.
What is a witch's best subject?
Spelling.0 -
Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:
A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."
St. Patty's ? reallllly??? :noway:
But St. Patrick was English so he was Patrick and not Padraig..... /runsawayfromthrownwhiskeybottles
Still the patron saint of Ireland...
Almost all Irish find it offensive to say "St Patty".
Not a debate! Just jokes missy! I will punish you
Sorry That just really grinds my gears.
Ooooh punish? I like the sound of this. :laugh:
Now the punishing and gear grinding....you are both just teasing me now.0 -
Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:
A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."
St. Patty's ? reallllly??? :noway:
But St. Patrick was English so he was Patrick and not Padraig..... /runsawayfromthrownwhiskeybottles
Still the patron saint of Ireland...
Almost all Irish find it offensive to say "St Patty".
Not a debate! Just jokes missy! I will punish you
Sorry That just really grinds my gears.
Ooooh punish? I like the sound of this. :laugh:
Now the punishing and gear grinding....you are both just teasing me now.
You are forgiven :happy:0 -
What's brown and sticky?
A Stick
Courtesy of my 3 year old nephew
I LOVE that joke - forgotten about it till you said it and I snorted water out my nose!
A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bar tender says, "Hey fella, why the long face?"0 -
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?"
"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"
"No, that's okay."
"Great, take these to table six then."0 -
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are walking down the street at night when a man corners them and points a gun at them.
"I've had enough of you women," he says. "Any last words before I shoot you?"
The redhead steps forward, clears her throat and then looks behind him and yells out "Tornado!" The man turns around and the redhead quickly runs away.
He's annoyed, but asks the brunette the same question. She steps forward, looks panicked and yells out "Flood!"
He's distracted again and the brunette makes her escape. Pretty miffed by now, he faces the blonde and asks "What're your last words then?"
The blonde girl smiles, calmly steps forward and yells at the top of her voice: "Fire!"0 -
Why was six afraid of seven?
Cause seven eight (ate) nine. :laugh:
No, it's because seven was a murderer.0 -
Ok, newly married couple....home on their first day after the honeymoon.....the husband is ready to head out to work when his wife says hey hun, can I make you something for breakfast? He says hey how about we (ahem ahem) instead...so they go at it.....
and he takes off to work.
Lunchtime rolls around and he stops in tellin the wife honey I'm home......wife turns and says ok what do you want for lunch? Well, how about we (ahem ahem) instead?
so they go another round and he heads back to work.......So he finishes his day and as he walks in, sees his wife sliding down the banister. He turns to his wife and says hey hun, what are you doing?
I just figured I'd warm up dinner
Lmao. I will be stealing this one.0 -
A horse walks into the bar.....
And the bartender says..
Why the long face?0 -
Stop celebrating with food your not a dog!!0
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fantastic!!0 -
What do fish say when they hit a brick wall??
Dam!0 -
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.0
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a farmer has three pretty daughters, and they are all upstairs getting ready to go out on dates. the father is sitting on the front porch, shotgun across his lap, waiting for the lucky fellas to arrive.
around 6 o'clock, the first fella shows up and says, "hey! my name's freddy, i'm here for betty - we're going out for spaghetti, is she ready?" the father calls up to betty and tells her to have a nice time.
a bit later, the second fella shows up and says, "hi! my name's joe, i'm here for floe - we're going out to the show, is she ready to go?" the father calls up to floe and tells her to enjoy the program.
by now the sun is going down, and the third fella arrives and says, "hello, my name's chuck..."
farmer shot chuck.0 -
bump!0
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JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THEM!
Troof!0 -
What kind of pants does Super Mario wear?
DenimDenimDenim0 -
Bump!!0
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A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Can.... I..... have.....a......drink?" and the bartenders goes, "Why the big pause (paws)?"
*Honestly, it gets me every time! :laugh:0 -
Here lies Kevin Hollister (1990-2012)
Diagnosed with kleptomania in 1998
Got his first job at the grenade factory in 20120
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