Favorite CLEAN jokes?

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some milk. "we don't have any milk" The duck turns around and walks out.
Next day, duck comes back "Got any milk?" "For the second time NO! We don't have any milk! And if you come back I will nail your feet to the floor!!!" Duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in "got any nails?"
Bartender:"No"
duck: "got any milk?"

I've been laughing for two minutes straight at this one. Love it!

These are great....how many calories can you burn from laughing????

Ok, since you asked for it... I had this one on my status yesterday:


"This rope walked into a bar and said, 'I'd like to order a beer, please.' The bartender said, 'I'm sorry, we don't serve ropes here, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.' The rope said, 'I'm not leaving until I get my beer!' This made the bartender so angry that he grabbed the rope and threw him out the backdoor. The rope stomped off behind the dumpster and tied himself into a huge knot, then he took each of his ends and frayed them. He went back in and up to the bar and said, 'I'd like to order a beer, please.' The bartender took one look at him and said, 'Hey, aren't you that rope that was in here a few minutes ago?!' The rope answered, 'Nope, I'm a frayed knot!'"

This one sound better when said out loud.

what do you call a pig with three eyes?

piiig

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story."Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied."Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

bump

What did the policeman say to his stomach?
You're under a vest!


Knock knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
I think you mean "to whom"


What cheese do you use to hide a horse?
Marscapone


What cheese do you use to entice a bear?
Camembert

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Who?
Why you cryin!?!

Little old Grandpa is going to visit Grandma in the hospital. He has his young granddaughter with him and they are riding in the elevator. The elevator stops and an older lady gets in, they go up a few more floors when the elevator stops again and the doors open. The older lady turns and slaps Grandpa hard as she can and stomps off the elevator. The granddaughter looks up at her confused grandpa and says, "I don't like that lady, she stepped on my toe...so I pinched her!"

I got a good chuckle out of this one....Thanks!

Irish heritage here so I can tell it, and if you are Irish, you know the truth of it:

A man driving home from celebrating St. Patty's Day gets pulled over by the police. The officer says, "Sir, have you been out drinking?"
The man says, in his Irish borough, " Aye, I had a wee drop to celebrate the great St. Patrick."
The officer, " well sir, your driving is erratic. Did you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The man responds, " Oh, thank God, I thought I had gone deaf..."

Did you know that Photons have mass?







I didn't even know they were catholic.

(mad cow disease) lol my fav so far!!

Why did the Frog go into the bank?

To Rob-it, Rob-it....

A man walks into a butcher's shop and says to the butcher: "I bet you £200 that you can't reach the meat on that top shelf without a ladder!"

"Nah, I'm not taking that bet!"

"Why not?"

"Because the steaks are too high"

What do you call a cow with no legs?









Ground beef.