Does this constitute cheating to you?

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Replies

  • monipie
    monipie Posts: 280 Member
    Im one of the few men on here that would tell you it's time to move on without this man.

    Pornography is a parasite. It steals emotions and connections away from your spouse, whether fully intended or not. Certainly not in all cases...but obviously in his case, he has separated himself from you and put his focus on other things...and you aren't even married yet.

    I'll make myself very clear: If he's getting away with this type behavior now and you're not married, why on earth would he quit doing these things when you are married?

    Another thing: it sounds like you aren't happy. So why marry the guy and continue to be unhappy?

    Crazy!

    i agree, i was in a relationship with a guy who was a porn addict and it was very difficult- especially since i became an addict myself. it is a serious thing- if that is what is going on. it becomes way more than -"a way to spice things up". i hope he is not an addict but it may be something to research. i wish you luck, i hope everything works out.
  • kimby303
    kimby303 Posts: 36 Member
    LOL. I'm sorry, but this is funny. (in response to the "be more worried about that he couldn't find the free websites")
  • EmCarroll1990
    EmCarroll1990 Posts: 2,832 Member
    I've been in a similar situation. You've got two options, either work this out or leave. I chose to work it out. If you choose this route, it's not going to be easy and you're going to have a very suspicious mind. Over time though, if he sticks to what he says, you'll grow to get over it and forget it. But keep in mind, he may not stick with what he says and may just continue to do it.

    What does your head say?
  • TNGURL
    TNGURL Posts: 89 Member
    Girl, get real... step out of your denial stage and kick his *kitten* to the curb!! This is beyond your average porn, he is seeking out other women... if hasn't cheated already, he's planning on it. His spending money seeking "other" women... ok... get it????? " Other women, NOT YOU!!!!!!!!! I don't wanna sound cruel, but you did come to "us" for advice and thoughts, but if I were you.. I'd be seeing a doctor and getting myself checked out. Stop and ask yourself... are you not more deserving than this??????????????
  • Vi0l33t
    Vi0l33t Posts: 117 Member
    You're damn right it's cheating. tell him it's over and move on.
  • iam_thatdude
    iam_thatdude Posts: 1,266 Member
    The responses by gender r interesting....not saying where I fall on this, but they r
  • mrmanmeat
    mrmanmeat Posts: 1,968 Member
    That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!

    Not ideal........

    Tell him to quit watching so much porn.
  • m60kaf
    m60kaf Posts: 421 Member
    The alarm clocks are ringing all over America and this thread has just become self righteous

    OMG
  • EmCarroll1990
    EmCarroll1990 Posts: 2,832 Member
    That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!

    Not ideal........

    Tell him to quit watching so much porn.

    This. I didn't see this part when I first commented.
  • FunandFitMom
    FunandFitMom Posts: 146 Member
    If he has to hide it, then it's not OK.....
  • kcdrake
    kcdrake Posts: 512
    I'm not going to read through everything that's been replied to the OP, but here's my two cents.

    I had a similar situation with my ex-fiance and I agree that specifically having someone do something for you is worse than porn - just my personal opinion. As far as what constitutes cheating, I've always thought that if you are doing something that you wouldn't be doing if your SO was in the room with you, then it's cheating.
  • ArroganceInStep
    ArroganceInStep Posts: 6,239 Member
    I'm not going to read through everything that's been replied to the OP, but here's my two cents.

    I had a similar situation with my ex-fiance and I agree that specifically having someone do something for you is worse than porn - just my personal opinion. As far as what constitutes cheating, I've always thought that if you are doing something that you wouldn't be doing if your SO was in the room with you, then it's cheating.

    I don't know how long I can hold a bowel movement...maybe me and my fiancee weren't meant to be =P
  • NoAdditives
    NoAdditives Posts: 4,251 Member
    I'm not going to read through everything that's been replied to the OP, but here's my two cents.

    I had a similar situation with my ex-fiance and I agree that specifically having someone do something for you is worse than porn - just my personal opinion. As far as what constitutes cheating, I've always thought that if you are doing something that you wouldn't be doing if your SO was in the room with you, then it's cheating.

    I don't know how long I can hold a bowel movement...maybe me and my fiancee weren't meant to be =P

    For real. My husband and I must be doomed too, because I certainly won't poop in front of him.
  • Jersey_Devil
    Jersey_Devil Posts: 4,142 Member
    At the moment - he's just watching porn. Just cos he's asking someone to do something doesn't mean anything else - however, if he's looking in your area sounds a bit dodgy to me.

    yeah my initial thought was if he is looking in the area-- not good.
  • ckes84
    ckes84 Posts: 52
    Its a betrayal of trust, no matter how it gets dressed up.
    Its also a step in the wrong direction and who knows where that road leads.
    The positive is that its all come out early and maybe the problems that made him go this way can be sorted out.
    Communication is key.
    Its up to you if you can, will and want to forgive.
    The best things in life are worth fighting for.

    ^^THIS^^
  • squishycow7
    squishycow7 Posts: 820 Member
    If it upsets you, he shouldn't do it.


    porn is one thing... when it's not "custom-made" for him, or whatever... I think it's weird and I would be horribly upset. why can't he just look at the regular, cheap naked bimbos?

    not to mention the whole looking for people in the area thing... that's just sketchy. bewbs are bewbs, shouldn't need local ones, it's not like it's more sustainable or ethical.
  • misscristie
    misscristie Posts: 643 Member
    That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!

    Not ideal........

    Initially I thought not a big deal. It's just extra expensive pR0n. After I read this statement, I think he's got some issues.
  • bluemorpho1247
    bluemorpho1247 Posts: 300 Member
    Hey! I broke up from a 5 year relationship because of exactly this... They are upset because they are found out... it almost led to real life people too- him chatting to his 'friends' in Canada (from UK) and turns out he was cybering with them... DO NOT give him chance after chance, it keeps happening... find it twice hell never change...

    EDIT: oh and now he is tryng to get with any girl he can... and hes a skinny goth :|
  • skinnybearlyndsay
    skinnybearlyndsay Posts: 798 Member
    That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!

    Not ideal........

    This is a HUGE warning signal!!!! He's not interested in you, but is interested in others? Sketch...

    Looking at porn is one thing in my book, but if he doesn't want to get with you after he's looked at it, then something is amiss and, as much as it may hurt, you may need to re-evaluate where it's going.
  • cydonian
    cydonian Posts: 361 Member
    I made him log on the site and I could see that he'd emailed a couple but I could see from his 'transactions' he had done a lot of web cam viewing (mostly all paid for).
    He'd also searched on there for women in our area - most of these people are escorts too but he swears on his life he has 'only' done web camming (him watching them) and nothing more.

    He's attempted to contact them. Done, and done. Did I mention done? Dump him.
  • FlyeredUp
    FlyeredUp Posts: 632 Member
    That's the other thing I probably should have mentioned... he really isn't that interested in having much sex with me and my sex drive is much higher than his!

    Not ideal........
    It sounds like he is addicted to porn. Happens to alot of guys. But if you have these issues now, what do you think they will be like in 5 -10 years?
  • cydonian
    cydonian Posts: 361 Member
    Wait... wait... did I understand the original post? HE PAID FOR IT? Oh dear god, RUN.
  • becca3211
    becca3211 Posts: 98 Member
    Drop him....bye bye.......
  • Shweedog
    Shweedog Posts: 883 Member
    Mine and my husband's definition of cheating is anything with, or involving another, that would cause the other person pain, doubt, mistrust, agony, discomfort, or dishonor. So to answer your question, yes, I believe this is cheating. What's important is how you feel about it and if you feel you can get passed it.
  • pduckworth
    pduckworth Posts: 133
    I'd be pissed as all hell if my boyfriend did that. He knows that I don't care if he looks at porn because a picture is a picture, but making a live girl do things? Nope. I would have a serious talk with him and let him know that it hurts you. If he cares about you, he'd stop (at least in my opinion).
  • Donnacoach
    Donnacoach Posts: 540 Member
    I would say YES!!!!
  • autumnk921
    autumnk921 Posts: 1,374 Member
    It IS cheating....Especially when he is looking for women in your area....If he hasn't met one in person - he is definitely hoping too. Maybe you should talk to him about why he is doing this...Is he having them do things that you won't do? If so, maybe you should do some of those things for him...It's just a thought. :)
  • gumigal82
    gumigal82 Posts: 350
    To clarify something though - for people who are saying there's is something wrong if he has a sex drive for porn but not for her...

    Guys will ALWAYS have a sex drive for porn.

    Porn and sex are so distant from each other you just can't group them together. A guy will jerk off even if his SO has the highest sex drive in the world and he thinks she's the hottest woman ever and they have sex minimum 3 times a day.

    So the porn thing needs to be taken out of the equation entirely.

    The problem to me seems to be that he doesn't want to have sex with you. After a time, sex with the same person can get stale. And from my experience, there are quite a few women who still want it, but expect to take everything from it and not really give much back. Trust me, that isn't entertaining for a guy. Maybe do something a bit special to remind him how good it can be? But don't make it a one off - put some effort into sex - you only get what you give at the end of the day.


    I tend to agree with everything you said, but I just wish if the SO knows it really truly hurts the woman he would not do it. (Not yelling, or blaming you--or men in general--just saying is all)
  • Bumdrahp
    Bumdrahp Posts: 1,314 Member
    Honestly.. even if the dude didnt pay for it and he was webcamming it up with some internet hussy for free, I would say see ya. He should have been upfront about how he feels sexually in the relationship. He is full of sexual pornographic fantasies and now nothing will be good enough for him.. seeing as thugh he wont even have sex with you. He's a sick jerk. I would be gone!
  • andreanicole686
    andreanicole686 Posts: 406 Member
    I literally went through something very similar. I saw on my ex-boyfriends history he was viewing A LOT of porn and adult sites and then he was searching for sex ads in craigslist to find people in our area. I warned him once and then he did it again and I broke up with him on the spot. We were together for 3 years and lived together. It is cheating! His next step would be to find those women dump his butt and find a guy who can treat you right!
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