Does this constitute cheating to you?

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  • FloraSin
    FloraSin Posts: 188 Member
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    I'd be more upset with his poor fiscal decisions. That is a lot of money just to watch something over a crappy webcam.

    This occurred to me as well.

    Also, very early on someone said if the SO didn't feel like he could do it in front of her, than it wasn't okay. I agree wholeheartedly with that. My boyfriend can look at porn or go to the strip club (he never has - yet) and that would be okay. I'd only be mad if he thought he had to hide it from me. He knows that because we're really open about stuff with one another.

    Hiding it makes it a betrayal of trust and honestly, if he was languishing in the sex department (I also have a high drive) and I found out about something like this, it would be over because even if nothing was going on, I would be suspicious and there's no room for that in our relationship.
  • FloraSin
    FloraSin Posts: 188 Member
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    And also, I'm kind of confused by him having the option of real life you or crappy web cam feed and picking the latter. I mean, watching sexy stuff is sexy, but not nearly as sexy as sex.
  • G5beauty
    G5beauty Posts: 17 Member
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    As a owner of a adult site, in my opinion, it is just entertaiment! He might have a fetish if some sort. I dont consider this cheating. He married you for a reason, im sure he loves you, but these are the types of things men are in to. Being married you have to choose your battles. Comminicate to him how you feel and set boundaries. If you are open with each other maybe he'd be more open to doing some new and adventurous things with you. Now if he steps outside of the relationship, then that is a huge problem. But cross that path if you ever get there. Good luck with everything:)
  • sjeagle30
    sjeagle30 Posts: 292 Member
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    I'm actually getting highly and mildly irritated with the responses that sound like this is her fault and hers and hers alone to fix for her fiance......She said she had a high sex drive...If he didn't feel comfortable talking to her about his fantasies well then that's his own darn fault. It is not her fault that she didn't "make him feel more comfortable". I am so sick of men using women as the excuse for their own insecurities and problems. I am sorry but that is the oldest excuse in the book hey your accusing me of something so let me make it about you so you will take your focus off of me and what I DID WRONG......

    At the end of the day it's his problem and issue....not hers.....I am been through this with my own husband with his sexual wants being something he thought i would be too innocent to try....And like I said at the end of the day it's their problem for keeping their mouth shut... Closed mouths dont get fed...And lets not even go there about ummm what is he doing for her to spice things up...She isn't getting sex from him and she is still there for him.... How many men could say the same if their girl wasn't giving it up..???

    Amen Sister!!! I love your response. You are 100% right. Many people want to blame others for the way they are and the choices they make. Almost like the you shouldnt have pissed me off and I wouldnt have hit you bull crap!.

    Rant over I am sorry but some of you men shouldn't be giving such crappy advice.
  • sjeagle30
    sjeagle30 Posts: 292 Member
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    I'm actually getting highly and mildly irritated with the responses that sound like this is her fault and hers and hers alone to fix for her fiance......She said she had a high sex drive...If he didn't feel comfortable talking to her about his fantasies well then that's his own darn fault. It is not her fault that she didn't "make him feel more comfortable". I am so sick of men using women as the excuse for their own insecurities and problems. I am sorry but that is the oldest excuse in the book hey your accusing me of something so let me make it about you so you will take your focus off of me and what I DID WRONG......

    At the end of the day it's his problem and issue....not hers.....I am been through this with my own husband with his sexual wants being something he thought i would be too innocent to try....And like I said at the end of the day it's their problem for keeping their mouth shut... Closed mouths dont get fed...And lets not even go there about ummm what is he doing for her to spice things up...She isn't getting sex from him and she is still there for him.... How many men could say the same if their girl wasn't giving it up..???

    Amen Sister!!! I love your response. You are 100% right. Many people want to blame others for the way they are and the choices they make. Almost like the you shouldnt have pissed me off and I wouldnt have hit you bull crap!.

    Rant over I am sorry but some of you men shouldn't be giving such crappy advice.

    oops. i posted in the middle of your post..
    Amen Sister!!! I love your response. You are 100% right. Many people want to blame others for the way they are and the choices they make. Almost like the you shouldnt have pissed me off and I wouldnt have hit you bull crap!.
  • mrsnathanandrew
    mrsnathanandrew Posts: 631 Member
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    No. Cheating is oral copulation or vaginal penetration. He was just checking out living porn. Everyone has something they keep either a secret or don't disclose to their significant other, people dont just want to admit it. You BETKNOT listen to these old maids on this thread and give up your man. See if you can set up a web cam and perform tricks for instead of some random tricks performing tricks for him.

    So she should cheapen herself and lower her standards to get down to this jerk's level? Great advice.

    There is not a darned thing that I keep from my fiance or vice versa. If you are in a relationship with someone, and can't come completely clean about your likes and interests especially in bed, then you are with the wrong person. There are different levels of cheating based on each persons views. So if oral copulation or vaginal penetration are the only forms of cheating, then in your eyes if someone were rubbing your SO on the outside of their shirt or pants getting all steamy with some dry humping (yes I said it) then that's not cheating to you? Bet not listen to us old maids? Seriously? Why should she have to settle for someone who seems like would rather watch a webcam then have sex with her?
  • LuckyAng
    LuckyAng Posts: 1,173 Member
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    As a owner of a adult site, in my opinion, it is just entertaiment! He might have a fetish if some sort. I dont consider this cheating. He married you for a reason, im sure he loves you, but these are the types of things men are in to. Being married you have to choose your battles. Comminicate to him how you feel and set boundaries. If you are open with each other maybe he'd be more open to doing some new and adventurous things with you. Now if he steps outside of the relationship, then that is a huge problem. But cross that path if you ever get there. Good luck with everything:)

    No. No, no. ... no. They are not married yet.
  • gumigal82
    gumigal82 Posts: 350
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    No. Cheating is oral copulation or vaginal penetration. He was just checking out living porn. Everyone has something they keep either a secret or don't disclose to their significant other, people dont just want to admit it. You BETKNOT listen to these old maids on this thread and give up your man. See if you can set up a web cam and perform tricks for instead of some random tricks performing tricks for him.

    Cheating is beyond physical. The worst type of cheating is emotional--have a more than friendly bond, (heavy sexual) flirting in text/email, etc form with someone else while in a monogamous relationship. I'd like to state that I don't care if a man looks-but no touching! I don't even care if a man has female friends-the type he views as sisters/cousins, which I learned does exist, ha ha. Also, most couples-the ones that last- don't keep important information from each other. A strong couple is open with each other. A lie by omission is still a lie.
  • Nikki_42
    Nikki_42 Posts: 298 Member
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    Wow, he blows. Sorry.

    Yes it's cheating. Yes he would still be doing it if you hadn't busted him. Yes he probably has another anonymous facebook or other account out there. Yes he would have meet up with the local women eventually, if he hasn't already. If I'm shopping for lingerie online or window shopping in real life, I'm planning to wear it.

    It's not a porn video so that doesn't compare or justify. He paid a woman to do sexual things specifically for him. Honestly he should have just paid a prostitute and enjoyed himself fully if he was going to be stupid enough to get caught.

    That said, only you know what type of relationship you want, and what you level of respect you deserve, and what are willing to put up/deal with in a man. :ohwell:
  • LuckyAng
    LuckyAng Posts: 1,173 Member
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    No. Cheating is oral copulation or vaginal penetration. He was just checking out living porn. Everyone has something they keep either a secret or don't disclose to their significant other, people dont just want to admit it. You BETKNOT listen to these old maids on this thread and give up your man. See if you can set up a web cam and perform tricks for instead of some random tricks performing tricks for him.

    Yes, lower yourself. Awesome advice. :noway:
  • BurtHuttz
    BurtHuttz Posts: 3,653 Member
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    See if you can set up a web cam and perform tricks for instead of some random tricks performing tricks for him.
    Yes, lower yourself. Awesome advice. :noway:
    Onto what?
  • ArroganceInStep
    ArroganceInStep Posts: 6,239 Member
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    So you mean to tell me it's still cheating if I'm in a different zip code?

    *gasp* Does that mean Vegas is off-limits too!?!?!?!?!?!?

    LukeSkywalkerNooooo.jpg
  • thomassd1969
    thomassd1969 Posts: 564 Member
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    At the moment - he's just watching porn. Just cos he's asking someone to do something doesn't mean anything else - however, if he's looking in your area sounds a bit dodgy to me.

    Totally agree!
  • tlc12078
    tlc12078 Posts: 334 Member
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    Of course men would never think of it as cheating. Most men use this as an excuse *I am coming home to you arent I?* If he is looking in your area, its either heading there or he is there. Honestly blunt out, Hes cheating, its a sign. He dolls up his lies with the stupidest things *I'm only watching* but no, I shouldnt make assumptions, did enough of my own research to know what is what. ANd guys, please you all stick up for each other, its another brother.
  • tlc12078
    tlc12078 Posts: 334 Member
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    As a owner of a adult site, in my opinion, it is just entertaiment! He might have a fetish if some sort. I dont consider this cheating. He married you for a reason, im sure he loves you, but these are the types of things men are in to. Being married you have to choose your battles. Comminicate to him how you feel and set boundaries. If you are open with each other maybe he'd be more open to doing some new and adventurous things with you. Now if he steps outside of the relationship, then that is a huge problem. But cross that path if you ever get there. Good luck with everything:)

    No. No, no. ... no. They are not married yet.


    To the upper quote, what hes doing might make her not want to do them. It will shut her out, just like he shut her outof his fantasies to view others. I am in that situation now. He shut me out, which pushed me into not wanting him to touch me at all or do anything with, so F..ck him. I cant wait to get me back, BYE SUCKA!!!!
  • gumigal82
    gumigal82 Posts: 350
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    Of course men would never think of it as cheating. Most men use this as an excuse *I am coming home to you arent I?* If he is looking in your area, its either heading there or he is there. Honestly blunt out, Hes cheating, its a sign. He dolls up his lies with the stupidest things *I'm only watching* but no, I shouldnt make assumptions, did enough of my own research to know what is what. ANd guys, please you all stick up for each other, its another brother.

    Some men would think of this as cheating- also as betrayal. Even so, the most important part to all this is communication is key-especially from the beginning. If you and your partner don't know what you each expect, what you each think (as cheating, betrayal, lying...) then how is the relationship going to work?
  • waldenfam2
    waldenfam2 Posts: 203 Member
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    Honestly, I wish the OP good luck. People are complicated therefore the answer is complicated. Being that you aren't married, you have time to figure out the reasons behind his behavior. There are many things that would effect my opinion on the matter, not so much as cheating, but as a betrayal of trust. Is this his first time? Curiosity is a major motivator. Does he have a fetish? Many people hide those things, definite possibility. Does he have a porn addiction? I hesitate to say addiction, but for lack of a better word. Beyond these questions, I'd want to know, why is he turning you away. He loves you, he wants to marry you, then why?

    One bit of advice I can offer, when you sit down to talk, let him talk. Silence is a great technique to use when trying to illicit information. People naturally want to fill silence with chatter, let him fill it and see what it reveals.
  • sandrinamsilva
    sandrinamsilva Posts: 651 Member
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    I only checked his Facebook in response to this happening. I stumbled across the porn thing.

    I didn;t have trust issues. I do now.

    the wedding is 11 months away (supposedly) and he has had as many ideas for it and has planned it as much (if not more) than I have. I am not a crazy - weddings / bridezilla type so there is no pressure there.

    Ummm... ok.
    I have a hard time believing any woman (not just you) that claims she "stumbled" across anything like this. I just think this is a huge flashing neon warning sign for you. Open your eyes girl. .... Please don't tell us that you hope he will change post marriage?!?!

    run-like-hell_s.jpg

    I stumbled across many things my ex-husband was hiding from me. I'm a neat freak, when I clean I clean everything.....even the space behind the pedestal sink in the downstairs bathroom. So yes, it can happen.
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
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    Its a betrayal of trust, no matter how it gets dressed up.
    Its also a step in the wrong direction and who knows where that road leads.
    The positive is that its all come out early and maybe the problems that made him go this way can be sorted out.
    Communication is key.
    Its up to you if you can, will and want to forgive.
    The best things in life are worth fighting for.

    This is probably the best relationship advice I've ever seen given on the internet.

    You win my friend...seriously.
  • antoniosmooth
    antoniosmooth Posts: 299 Member
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    Quite a few men are into porn and blame it on outside factors such as over sexualization and their significant others. Often most men don't think of it as an issue. Although in my opinion he isn't factually cheating on you, it is in a sense a betrayal. By that I mean a betrayal of intimacy. Honestly I can tell you, I was once just like your fiance'

    I would venture to guess if YOU were looking at men over webcam or performing acts over webcam for men he'd be upset in some way shape or form.

    Realize his actions are not your fault!! He is substituting something he WANTS with YOU instead of coming to YOU for it. Only you can understand and inquire what that want and desire is. Again this isn't your fault, but it is something you can help him overcome since you will be his wife someday. Talk to him gently, let him see that not only do you feel betrayed but that you are feeling inadequate which is absolutely normal for you to feel in my opinion. Make him feel comfortable to discuss his sexual desires with you for the duration of your marriage, and you should feel the same way.

    Several guys into porn aren't getting something they want from their wife, porn becomes the substitute. This doesn't make it the wife's fault however if the husband is begging for you to wear lingerie and you won't, you can BET he's getting his lingerie viewing in some other way.Trust me, coming from a guy who once conducted himself in the way your fiance has been, he'd MUCH rather have whatever he's getting from strangers, from the woman he's chosen to spend the rest of his life with.... YOU!

    Not to bible thump anyone and the following is simply my opinion, but there is a massive amount of marital wisdom from Paul in 1st Corinthians 7: 1 - 9

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