Does this constitute cheating to you?

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Replies

  • Tybalt71
    Tybalt71 Posts: 1,064 Member
    Dont know why this is solely focused as a being Male issue, it shouldnt be gender specific, i know lots of chicks who watch porn and adventure out to explore via webcam or Skype(TYBALT71), its a personal choice, to each their own and no one is in any place to judge anyone-Ty
  • AmandaLAcosta
    AmandaLAcosta Posts: 87
    He might have an addiction..
  • EpiGaiaRepens
    EpiGaiaRepens Posts: 824 Member
    i think you answered your own question by posting here. Does it matter if i think it's ok or not? It only matters how you feel. And you have to make your own decisions. I'll just say this- what happens now dictates your future. If you forgive him then you have to really forgive him and let it go. If you say its ok, you have to really mean that it's ok. And if you say it's not ok and you will leave him for it, be prepared to actually leave.

    My advice, and this is honest to god: take a vacation by yourself. Go somewhere beautiful. Spend that time realy thinking about what you want from your life. Really wrestle with it.

    I have decided that if anyone asks me to marry them, my response will be to go to Mexico, alone, and surf for a solid week and really do some serious soul searching. If i ever get married, it will be once and it will be for real because all I have is my word and I intend to make it count.
  • hanahlai
    hanahlai Posts: 281 Member
    Either cheating or the intent of cheating! Why would he need to see girls in his area? I'd drop him!
  • myfitnessnmhoy
    myfitnessnmhoy Posts: 2,105 Member
    I'll be honest - I haven't read the thread. With respect, I don't think anyone else's opinions on this should affect you.

    Does this constitute cheating to me or the hundreds of people who have responded so far? Why would you care? Does this constitute cheating to YOU is more the question, and whether it rises to the level of an irreconcilable difference.

    Whether this is a "big deal" objectively or to other people is irrelevant - it's affecting your feelings about him, and hurting your relationship.

    Communicate. Talk it out. Explain how hurtful this is to you. He may honestly not see this as "cheating" since he's not actually seeing anyone in person. Find out what "need" he's filling or thinks he is, and see if there's a way the two of you can work something out. Seek professional counseling if you feel it's appropriate.

    Make an attempt to work it out, and if it can't be worked out you need to decide what you want to do.
  • Dayna154
    Dayna154 Posts: 910 Member
    I could deal with all of the above until you said looking in your area... And the paying live would get my insecurities up some but I could deal with that even. I’d prefer my guy to share some of that with me, so that it doesn’t feel like he is hiding things from me.. I am of the adage if you feel the need to hide it from your SO then you probably shouldn’t do it…

    The one thing that would seriously hurt/scare however you want to label it is looking for women in your area.. If all he is doing is paying to watch... Why does he need to do it with someone close enough to go see??

    I agree with previous posters who said you two got it out in the open now, talk to each other and see what you can work out.

    Some people develop an addiction to porn and that can cause long term problems in a relationship.

    You two were together for a reason, you obviously love each other to be someday getting married. Before you let this put an end to it all or leap blindly, make sure of what each of you wants and see if it still fits with the big plan. If not then this could be a lifesaving outcome for him as well as you.

    To truly move forward you may have to seek outside help, it isn’t easy to move forward from feeling cheated on but it is possible. If you have lost respect or trust, you will have a LONG road ahead and he will eventually resent you if you don’t let it go…

    It will all about moving forward from here
  • Drawberry
    Drawberry Posts: 104 Member
    First and foremost, none of us have a right to tell you how to feel. No one here can, or should, tell you what is right to feel or how you should or should not consider this.

    Personally? I would be furious with him searching within your area. But that's the kind of relationship Boyfriend and I have and we both share the same beliefs. I got into an argument with him some time ago because he lied about not watching hentai, it wasn't that he said he wasn't and I was upset. It was that I told him I enjoyed watching pornography and if he had as well it wouldn't bother me and I would even enjoy to watch it with him. He lied and said he never had, which he later admitted to. It was the lie to me that I was upset about, and believe me it took him some time before I could feel like I could trust him again.

    However, I personally do find a difference between looking up generic pornography and hiring a woman to perform FOR you specifically. Looking up women in the area would be a huge red flag to me, and if that ever did happen in my relationship-it would not last much longer.

    This is all how I feel, what matters to me, and how I look at things. This is neither right, nor wrong and it does not dictate how YOU 'should' feel either.

    Clearly this whole thing has hurt you greatly, and you have every right to feel what comes naturally to you. But no one here can decide for you how you should consider this or how you should feel.
  • nikkiprickett
    nikkiprickett Posts: 412 Member
    see ya!!!
    I'm with ya on the porn thing, it doesn't really bother me...
    but strip clubs, paying other girls to do "stuff" and searching girls in the area
    can only lead to bad things...there is NO WAY i would marry him if he's doing this
    stuff already.

    good luck dear!

    I had a similar thing happen with an ex bf of mine but we were only together about 2 years and he kept lying about what really happened....his dad paid for him to have 2 strippers get him down to his undies, they were completely naked and they did other stuff too-I had no problem with strippers and lap dances but naked and him in his undies...heck no!
  • yaddayaddayadda
    yaddayaddayadda Posts: 430 Member
    Move on while you still can... if he is doing this before you are married, you can bet that he will continue to do this after you are married. If you don't want your husband to behave in this manner, find a different man.

    I know that this is painful. Not as painful as it would be if it continued after you were married and you had the chance to get out but didn't take it though.

    Sorry you are going through this.
  • ShelleyStev
    ShelleyStev Posts: 12
    Watching porn IS cheating. Pornography is damaging to a person and their relationships. It can become an addiction where neuropathways are created in the brain every time they act out the behavior. One Dr. compared these neuropathways to a dirt road when the person is in the 20's, a highway as they continue into their 30's, then becomes like the autobahn if continued into their 40's. This is when, he said, that he begins seeing his patients because by their 40's they've begun losing their jobs and families because of their addiction. This is not an innocent passtime; It can ruin your life. The problem is that the spouse or girlfriend become co-dependent just as the partners do with other addictions. I hope and pray that you can have the strength to do what's best for you. The Dr.'s name is Dr. Doug Weiss and this is his website: http://www.drdougweiss.com/ God bless you.
  • rmsrws
    rmsrws Posts: 639 Member
    bump
  • hawkfan2
    hawkfan2 Posts: 5 Member
    Me as a man do believe that is cheating on you. He is not respecting you and to be doing that, only leads to more.
  • Elf_Princess1210
    Elf_Princess1210 Posts: 895 Member
    If he was just looking at porn that's one thing, but he is messaging girls in your area? My BS radar is up. I'd just dump him. You deserve better.
  • dlcam61
    dlcam61 Posts: 228 Member
    Its a betrayal of trust, no matter how it gets dressed up.
    Its also a step in the wrong direction and who knows where that road leads.
    The positive is that its all come out early and maybe the problems that made him go this way can be sorted out.
    Communication is key.
    Its up to you if you can, will and want to forgive.
    The best things in life are worth fighting for.

    ^^This right here is right on
  • Il_DaniD_lI
    Il_DaniD_lI Posts: 1,593 Member
    I would NOT consider that cheating. Porn is healthy and normal and fun. I think it's silly to get upset over something so small.
  • lisakyle_11
    lisakyle_11 Posts: 420 Member
    ...sorry that is a deal breaker for me.
  • TheMissingSock
    TheMissingSock Posts: 89
    I don't have a huge problem with porn but somehow when you are paying someone to do stuff specifically for you it seems worse? (worse than watching a film or whatever) I also don't have a problem with strip clubs as I think they are mainly about a group of lads having a laugh but this has been happening in my own home, late at night and when I'm not there.

    I agree with this. it is worse, like he's one step away from hiring a hooker, you know? If it were me, I would send him packing, but it's easy for me as an outsider to say this.

    would either of you be open to couples counselling? If you stay together, this is a HUGE issue that needs addressed.
  • elysecea
    elysecea Posts: 161 Member
    Like my man says...why pay for porn when there are TONS of free porn on the web!
  • lleabrooks
    lleabrooks Posts: 87 Member
    I think the fact that he was searching for LOCAL women speaks volumes regarding his intentions. Porn is one thing... this is different. I'd lose him. :flowerforyou:
  • Goal_Seeker_1988
    Goal_Seeker_1988 Posts: 1,619 Member
    Watching porn IS cheating. Pornography is damaging to a person and their relationships. It can become an addiction where neuropathways are created in the brain every time they act out the behavior. One Dr. compared these neuropathways to a dirt road when the person is in the 20's, a highway as they continue into their 30's, then becomes like the autobahn if continued into their 40's. This is when, he said, that he begins seeing his patients because by their 40's they've begun losing their jobs and families because of their addiction. This is not an innocent passtime; It can ruin your life. The problem is that the spouse or girlfriend become co-dependent just as the partners do with other addictions. I hope and pray that you can have the strength to do what's best for you. The Dr.'s name is Dr. Doug Weiss and this is his website: http://www.drdougweiss.com/ God bless you.


    ^ This! I've always had a problem with porn... It's one thing if you're single but to have to have the desire to watch other people having sex while you're in a relationship is wrong in so many levels! It's one thing to watch it together for ideas and postions for that purpost but to go behind your SO's back and to hide it that's a big NO NO!!!
  • reka74
    reka74 Posts: 70
    NO
    But I don't see how this 'voting' going to help you...
    Good luck
  • mznisaelaine
    mznisaelaine Posts: 2,262 Member
    That is just unacceptable IMO.

    I consider that cheating
  • MsQt
    MsQt Posts: 793 Member
    ...sorry that is a deal breaker for me.

    Agreed
  • AlmstHvn
    AlmstHvn Posts: 376 Member
    I see several red flags in your posts - I highly recommend couples' counseling. If he doesn't see a problem, or thinks you're the one with "the problem" for being upset about it, then you have a very big decision to make.
  • MaryPhilomena
    MaryPhilomena Posts: 31 Member
    Today is my 41st wedding anniversary and if I can offer any advice it would be get out now. You are worth loyality, respect and honesty and his lack of same towards you does not bode well for the future. Porn is okay if it is shared and agreed as a couple but if you will always be looking over your shoulder, wondering if he is cheating, get out now. Leopards do not change their spots and if he is seeking illicit thrills this way he will contine to do so one way or another. Whatever you decide to do I wish you well but I just want to say that you should hold yourself is higher regard than he appears to do ♥
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
    Today is my 41st wedding anniversary and if I can offer any advice it would be get out now. You are worth loyality, respect and honesty and his lack of same towards you does not bode well for the future. Porn is okay if it is shared and agreed as a couple but if you will always be looking over your shoulder, wondering if he is cheating, get out now. Leopards do not change their spots and if he is seeking illicit thrills this way he will contine to do so one way or another. Whatever you decide to do I wish you well but I just want to say that you should hold yourself is higher regard than he appears to do ♥

    So, do you know what their personal life is like? Do you know what their sex life is like? Do you know how she might or might not treat him? Do you know how he might or might not treat her outside of this circumstance?

    The answers to all of these questions...are no.

    But you're willing to bet their future on one sided advice with no knowledge of the FULL circumstances??

    That's actually kind of sad.

    I stand by my earlier post.
  • gumigal82
    gumigal82 Posts: 350
    I would NOT consider that cheating. Porn is healthy and normal and fun. I think it's silly to get upset over something so small.

    Porn can be healthy and normal and fun, if it is out in the open, or even shared btwn the couple. But this was hidden, and more than just "simple porn".
  • QueChulaYo
    QueChulaYo Posts: 71
    I should say i have been married 20+ years and times have changed. I am sorry you are struggling with your decision.
    I would consider it cheating and lying too. Please consider you are not even married yet, and he is not into have sex with you.
    I think the problem for me is he is paying other real women, for cam sex ..... sex none the less, your not getting it, but these are real women.
    watching porn with your partner or alone is one thing, but he is searching for women in your area as well.

    Honor, respect, and most important trust, are the bases for loving healthy relationship, are you getting these things from him???

    Listen to your heart, and pray to the Lord for guidance, it will lead you. Message or add me if you need to talk:)
  • alegnafireproof
    alegnafireproof Posts: 26
    I think it is. But I dont know your world view. But if you don't think he is cheating now just wait a few years into your relationship when things are not as hot. You two may want to go to couples counseling.
  • hollyeverhart
    hollyeverhart Posts: 397 Member
    I would be PISSED. That is crossing the line.. Porn is one thing, Paying for another women to do something sexual just for you online is completely passed the line of acceptable... I would be crushed & upset. Honestly if I found out that my husband had been doing that, spending our money on that, searching for people in our area etc etc, he wouldn't be my husband anymore! Trust would be gone. Good luck!
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