Does anyone else NOT want kids?

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SomeMorr
SomeMorr Posts: 220 Member
in Chit-Chat
So I just turned 28 and I am married. I have always said "kids aren't my thing". My husband is on the fence and might like one but knows how I feel. I suppose many Mother in Laws & mothers are this way where they will constantly talk about babies or ask about when I plan on having kids, since I am getting to the age where I would need to decide soon. How do you say that you don't want them? My MIL keeps talking about my husband holding our new niece as "good practice", but I don't have the heart to tell her how I feel! Any advice?
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Replies

  • diannethegeek
    diannethegeek Posts: 14,776 Member
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    I'm 29 and don't want to have kids. I love my niece to death, but I just don't want one of my own. I've reached the age where all of my friends are newly married and trying for the first baby so I'm starting to feel a bit out of the group, but it helps that I'm single so I get a lot more "We need to find you a guy" and a lot less "You need to start making babies."

    My sisters both keep telling me that I'll change my mind one day, but I've done a lot of thinking on this and I just don't want to have a child of my own for my own reasons.
  • impyimpyaj
    impyimpyaj Posts: 1,073 Member
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    My BIL and his long-term girlfriend don't want kids. I have 2, and I'm happy, but I can see their standpoint. I hate the whole "you'll change your mind" thing. Why? I didn't change my mind AFTER having kids, why would it stand to reason that you would change your mind and decide you suddenly want them? If you don't want children, it's really nobody's business. Giving reasons when someone asks you just makes it sound like you're giving excuses, so frankly if I were you I'd just tell them that you don't want children, and move on to the next topic.

    As far as your MIL though, that discussion is your husband's responsibility, not yours. You can be there, but he needs to lead. It's his parents, not yours, and for you to bring it up opens up the door for her to think "Oh, my son wants kids but SHE doesn't." I don't know how your MIL is, but a lot of times that's how these things get construed. He needs to take the lead and tell her that you guys aren't planning to have children.
  • H8T3D
    H8T3D Posts: 77 Member
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    I'm to late for that, my first kid was 4 years ago and my second was 2 months ago.... Before I had my first I hated kids but when they are your own it's different.
  • benich3043
    benich3043 Posts: 252 Member
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    I'm to late for that, my first kid was 4 years ago and my second was 2 months ago.... Before I had my first I hated kids but when they are your own it's different.

    Exactly
  • helganog
    helganog Posts: 15 Member
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    Nope.
    I'm allergic
  • RaeLB
    RaeLB Posts: 1,216 Member
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    Right now I can't picture myself with children. However, I never say "never" because I could change my mind someday. (I also use to not want to get married but I changed my mind about that and I'm 80% sure I want to marry).
    I've always been very vocal about how I feel so I don't think it will come as a surprise to anyone.

    As far as telling your MIL I would suggest that you need to present yourself as a united front so it doesn't come across as your husband wants children but you're the "bad guy" (I know you said he's on the fence but it could come across this way). I think you should all sit down together & your husband should tell her that right now you guys don't see children in your future. I think it is important that your husband does the talking since it is his mother & he needs to present it as a your decision as a couple so it minimizes any possible issue between you & your MIL.
  • jenkidney
    jenkidney Posts: 149 Member
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    As far as your MIL though, that discussion is your husband's responsibility, not yours. You can be there, but he needs to lead. It's his parents, not yours, and for you to bring it up opens up the door for her to think "Oh, my son wants kids but SHE doesn't." I don't know how your MIL is, but a lot of times that's how these things get construed. He needs to take the lead and tell her that you guys aren't planning to have children.

    ^This. Because if your mother in law is anything like mine, coming from you will create more hassle.

    But overall, I've had lots of friends who don't want kids. They love seeing and interacting with mine, but they don't feel the need to have any of their own. I can't imagine trying to "convince" them that they should anyway. Best of luck to ya with dealing with your mother in law!
  • RaeLB
    RaeLB Posts: 1,216 Member
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    As far as your MIL though, that discussion is your husband's responsibility, not yours. You can be there, but he needs to lead. It's his parents, not yours, and for you to bring it up opens up the door for her to think "Oh, my son wants kids but SHE doesn't." I don't know how your MIL is, but a lot of times that's how these things get construed. He needs to take the lead and tell her that you guys aren't planning to have children.

    Yes! exactly.
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,843 Member
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    I'm 37 and my husband and I are not having kids. He got a vasectomy last year so that I could go off the pill.

    We don't really like children and our lifestyle does not fit children. We vacation a lot -- and yes, we could have "different" vacations with children but you don't know our vacations so something "different" is out of the question. Not to mention the fact that we don't even like encountering children when we're on vacation.

    How do you handle it? Just tell them that you and your husband are not having children because neither of you wants them. I know it will be tough because people will persist and push the issue. Tell them that it's YOUR choice YOUR decision and they need to respect that. I got crap from my SISTER'S mother-in-law once when I said we're not having kids. She's like 'Well what happens when something happens to B? Who's going to take care of you? If you had a kid you'd have them to take care of you." My response: "Well, if something were to happen to B with any luck I'll have a super hot pool boy to take care of me." LOL!

    Whatever you decide to do it's your choice and no one else. You're the one that has to live with your decision. Chances are good if you have a child because everyone pressured you to do it you won't be happy and guess what? Your family might not be willing to watch him/her all the time. Someone posted that they "hated kids until they had them." that it's "different when it's your own." Maybe so but to the OP is that something you're willing to bet on? That your mind will change just because you have a child?

    I personally didn't want to bet on something like that.
  • dayone987
    dayone987 Posts: 645 Member
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    I'd say if you don't want kids don't have them and good for you for recognizing that. Is it possible that your husband is sending another message? To me "on the fence" could mean that he really wants them and is hoping you'll change your mind.
  • Shamrock_me
    Shamrock_me Posts: 161
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    Sage advice: Rubber Mallets were invented so Mother In Laws would shut up...

    I have kids they're far from kids and baby and I am totally in love with kids I wish I'd had 10 but NOT NOW... lol As for people that are pushy I suggest you feel free to advise MIL and anyone else about how THEY should have that baby THEY want so badly repeatly in the same fashion as they do you. Make sure to offer to be a reference for foster parenting / adopting.

    I'd have way more fun with it - make tear off tab flyers for extremely cheap baby sitting to hang in laundromats and at churches with their contact information. ~~ hopefully this makes you smile more than consider it. I'd do it!! But every sane person whom knows my tactics would tell you OMG don't listen to her!

    Good Luck! And when it comes with any 'mother' in law or not - it can take years of blatant rudeness to get through to them about what they want not being what you want.
  • Mhaney
    Mhaney Posts: 467 Member
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    meh.. I never wanted kids, hated kids, but somehow I ended up with my first one while on the pill. since then i've had two more. It's different when they are your own.
    I still hate other people's kids :)
  • SomeMorr
    SomeMorr Posts: 220 Member
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    I'd say if you don't want kids don't have them and good for you for recognizing that. Is it possible that your husband is sending another message? To me "on the fence" could mean that he really wants them and is hoping you'll change your mind.

    Sometimes I wonder this, I told him way before we got married that if not having children was a deal breaker then we should not get married. The other night I had said something about how it annoyed me that she brings it up, her "co-worker" asked when we were planning on it and -to him when we were alone- I said "Nevaaa" lol. He said "Never is so long".. So that makes the situation worse. I do remind him of the fact that I told him about how I felt way before we got married. UGH

    Edit: I do love my nieces and nephews, but they are enough kid contact for me
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
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    The earliest I would consider them is about 15 years time. Maybe by then I'll be old and sage enough to tolerate their high-pitch wailing.
  • coachblt
    coachblt Posts: 1,090
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    I don't want any more kids. Love the 2 daughters I do have more than anything, though.

    If you don't want them, don't have them. If you have them, love them unconditionally. Enjoy!
  • KCoolBeanz
    KCoolBeanz Posts: 813 Member
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    I'm 33, and I've never had the desire to have kids, ever. It's something I've always been vocal about. I love kids - just ones that belong to other people!

    It irritates me when people blatantly ask you "so when are you having kids" or something similar. My response is usually: "Don't want 'em, thanks!" My favorite though, was when I went to a baby shower...I was holding the baby, and this woman comes up to the table and announces: "oooohhh look at her holding the baby!" and says to me: "Doesn't that just make you want one?" And of course, the table goes quiet becuase I'm the only childless person there, and I say "not at all" and smile. :-)
  • catshark209
    catshark209 Posts: 1,133 Member
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    I'm to late for that, my first kid was 4 years ago and my second was 2 months ago.... Before I had my first I hated kids but when they are your own it's different.

    Me too. I'm not very maternal. Then I had my son.
  • chubby_checkers
    chubby_checkers Posts: 2,354 Member
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    I'm on the fence about it. I don't say that I'll never have them but I'm not actively trying to have them.
  • mtaylor33557
    mtaylor33557 Posts: 542 Member
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    I love (most) kids. I have one. We are done.

    So I constantly get the "when are you having another?" "You can't just have one, that's not fair to him!"

    How is it not fair? He has friends he's grown up with since birth, cousins that he loves, classmates at daycare.. a large church family with tons of kids to interact with.. but at the end of the day, I don't lose my mind running after 2 or more children!

    We're young too. I'm 28, husband is 31. So people just assume we're going to continue to spit out kids.. nope, doesn't always work that way!
  • HauteP1nk
    HauteP1nk Posts: 2,139 Member
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    I would just tell them that I don't want kids. Usually it shuts people up when you say that and they leave you alone.

    It really angers me when people are always asking when I am going to be having kids. My coworkers are all over me with those questions...

    I have been back and forth on whether I want children. I don't want them now, but I'd like to have them in the future. If I do have a kid I think I just want one. I'd love to adopt one day...

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