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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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middlehaitch wrote: »This is a topic I can't generalize on, so I have stayed out of commenting, until now.
@HoneyBadger155's comment about a small weight gain made me do it.
I had always been relatively slim, but there was a picture takes by my DiL Christmas 2008, that, when I saw it, made me exclaim to everyone-
'why didn't you tell me I was getting fat!'
I was 25-30 lbs heavier than normal.
My clothes hadn't changed- low slung jeans loose-ish tops, and looking in the mirror straight on all the time, hid the fact that my belly was expanding, not much more, just the belly- ye old middle age spread, lowering of activity, menopause approaching visceral fat gain, all rolled into one.
That got me counting calories and exercising and I lost the weight within a year and looked and felt much better (never any health probs).
But I really wish my SO, DiL, or son, had had a quiet word in my ear, when they had noticed my weight slowly rising.
(They said it was so gradual, over 5 years, they hadn't noticed either.)
SO, in about 2010, pleased (for me being pleased) with the results, and relative ease of me adapting to calorie counting and exercise, and being 20-25lbs heavier than he generally was, asked me to set him up, and explain how to calorie count.
He uses a different site, we decided we didn't want to be looking over each other's shoulders.
In about 6 months, counting (he never bothered weighting food just smaller portions worked for him), running, and swimming, he was at his usual weight.
However, as much as I have stayed stable, he fluctuates 5-10lbs (he is 6'3 so it isn't a lot on him) frequently.
This new year, after bringing it in sat in a hot tub surrounded by friends and snow, SO asked if he needed to lose a few pounds, I agreed.
So, he is loosely, very loosely, counting his cals, and I am doing gentle prompts around portions and exercise.
I also check with him if I am looking skinny, slender and/or lean are good, that indicates I am at least maintaining my muscles, skinny means I am slacking or my break from lifting has been to long.
Anyway, all I think I am trying to say is that different things work for different people. For me and my family it is gentle words of encouragement.
Cheers, h.
Here is the 'why didn't anyone tell me' pic, and me in maintenance.
@middlehaitch - Wow that is a difference and you look great! At least, if anything, they know that if weight gain occurs in the future that you would be open to the conversation...but you make a great point. Sometimes it is hard to see in the mirror when you gain weight gradually.1 -
Sooo, I think that there are ways to express concern about weight gain that doesn’t have to be expressed through words of disappointment or shaming. My ex-husband would constantly body shame me and talk down to me because of my weight. So the more he would do that, which he said was his way of motivating me to change, would make me feel so terrible that I would go into these “self-loathing” periods where I would secretly binge eat away my feeling. Which made me heavier, which would lead to more comments, which lead to self-loathing and binge eating. Never ending vicious cycle that continued until I left him. It was amazing how much more motivated I was to get in gear and change my life when I didn’t have someone constantly telling me how worthless and ugly I was. What helped me was a friend who said, “Girl you are beautiful and I hate to see you sad and how much you down on yourself. I know you want to lose weight and I know it’s not easy, but why don’t we do it together. I’ll be your support and you be mine.” So instead of downing me, she encouraged me. Asked me to go workout, praised me when I made good food choices, told me to shrug it off if I had a fail and told me that yesterday doesn’t matter, today is a new day and I did the same for her. She completely changed my mindset. I began to #1 believe I could do it, and #2 love myself enough to put in the work it was going to take. And guess what! Now I the lowest I have been my whole adult life, looking fly and my ex can suck it. HAHA! That is what I wanted from him back then. To tell me let’s work on it together. You’re beautiful regardless, but I want you happier with yourself and I want to help. Praise me for good days, and not let a bad day distract me from my long term goal. If he had been that person, who knows. My mom once told me, “Your spouse will be what you make them feel that they are. You want your spouse to love themselves and be built up. Then start building baby.”6
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Hah. My wife had no problems telling me I was too big during my last bulk. Near the end of it "too big" became "you're getting really fat". We watched a comedy special where the comedian joked about looking like he lifted weights from the front but looked like he shouldn't from the side... because it might not be good for the baby. She heard that joke, walked over to where I was lounging on the couch and poked me in the belly. Hard.
I decided that was a great time to start my cut.
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Sooo, I think that there are ways to express concern about weight gain that doesn’t have to be expressed through words of disappointment or shaming. My ex-husband would constantly body shame me and talk down to me because of my weight. So the more he would do that, which he said was his way of motivating me to change, would make me feel so terrible that I would go into these “self-loathing” periods where I would secretly binge eat away my feeling. Which made me heavier, which would lead to more comments, which lead to self-loathing and binge eating. Never ending vicious cycle that continued until I left him. It was amazing how much more motivated I was to get in gear and change my life when I didn’t have someone constantly telling me how worthless and ugly I was. What helped me was a friend who said, “Girl you are beautiful and I hate to see you sad and how much you down on yourself. I know you want to lose weight and I know it’s not easy, but why don’t we do it together. I’ll be your support and you be mine.” So instead of downing me, she encouraged me. Asked me to go workout, praised me when I made good food choices, told me to shrug it off if I had a fail and told me that yesterday doesn’t matter, today is a new day and I did the same for her. She completely changed my mindset. I began to #1 believe I could do it, and #2 love myself enough to put in the work it was going to take. And guess what! Now I the lowest I have been my whole adult life, looking fly and my ex can suck it. HAHA! That is what I wanted from him back then. To tell me let’s work on it together. You’re beautiful regardless, but I want you happier with yourself and I want to help. Praise me for good days, and not let a bad day distract me from my long term goal. If he had been that person, who knows. My mom once told me, “Your spouse will be what you make them feel that they are. You want your spouse to love themselves and be built up. Then start building baby.”
They need a "love" button. Thanks for your response. I don't do well with that type of backwards motivation either as your ex displaying.0 -
Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with.
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Should they be able to share their feelings if they think you're getting too large or thin? Yes.
Should they be abusive/caustic about it? No.Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
I agree with this, as long as it's within reason and promotes a healthy emotional and physical state. My husband and I both made a promise that we would do our darndest to never stop trying for each other - that can take on many forms of course, but part of it can be on the health/sexual attractiveness level. Will the definition of 'trying' change over time? I'm sure it will. Just like priorities shift in general over time, in response to life changes. But if something bothers my husband, I *want* him to bring it up. I can take his opinion and choose what to do with it, of course. But because I love him, I care about what he thinks and how he feels- and I want him to be able to express it openly, because I know he wouldn't say anything with the intent to hurt me.
If someone is being abusive about it, with unrealistic expectations that don't allow for the affects of time and/or life changes? If they want you to fit an image that only exists via airbrushing? Obviously that's not cool in any case.
If it comes down to the point where that person wants you to be something you're not comfortable/happy being - well, then maybe it's time for a more serious consideration of priorities and whether to stay in the relationship. But if something bothers your SO deeply - whether its their partner's weight, their eating habits, social habits, whatever - then they should be able to bring it up for a calm, mutually-respectful conversation. What you choose to do with that opinion is up to you -shove it or consider it, etc.
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Nice try- but no.
I've long been accused of being a horrible person- because I tell each and every person I've ever dated- if they get fat- we have to have a come to jesus. I'm not attracted to it- and I don't want it. But I also realize significant weight changes up and down do not come about randomly. There is almost ALWAYS something else going on.
But being fat or extremely underweight and dealing with some underlying health or mental issues that SIGNFICNATLY change the way you live your life- and changed your body composition- ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT the same as "staying pretty" for someone.
Those are two different issues and should be treated as such. I don't owe it to anyone to "remain attractive"- no one ever stays the same. But dealing with life issues- that requires work- and a conversation.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about his attraction- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".6 -
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.9 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
Exactly. I think it's important to acknowledge that people grow and change- but it's not like you can start getting fit and loving a new crossfit gung ho life style and get pissy that your SO doesn't change at all. That's not fair.5 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.4 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)2 -
Personally I appreciate it when my bf tells me how he feels about my weight. Of course he never agrees with me when I say how fat I am or look, however he has seen me 9 months pregnant and 30+ lbs over weight lol1
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Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?1 -
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.4 -
My significant annoyance actually wants me to gain weight (he's attracted to very large women) and tells me all the time that he would rather I gain then lose. I told him I couldn't be with someone who couldn't get behind me trying to lose weight to avoid health problems. And he backed off a little.
I have mentioned something about his weight to him and I have asked him to make better food choices because he has gained so much weight in the last year that his little buddy is no longer showing any signs of life. If he wants to be overweight that's fine but as least be healthy. enough to function.6 -
I totally agree. If it’s filtering over to the sex Life he might want to reconsider gaining more weight!samanthaapw wrote: »My significant annoyance actually wants me to gain weight (he's attracted to very large women) and tells me all the time that he would rather I gain then lose. I told him I couldn't be with someone who couldn't get behind me trying to lose weight to avoid health problems. And he backed off a little.
I have mentioned something about his weight to him and I have asked him to make better food choices because he has gained so much weight in the last year that his little buddy is no longer showing any signs of life. If he wants to be overweight that's fine but as least be healthy. enough to function.
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jaxsmama123 wrote: »Of course he never agrees with me when I say how fat I am or look,
He probably does agree
.... but is smart enough to know to disagree 
Seriously though, I agree with you, I value my otherhalves input on my weight/fitness etc. Its nice to know she is looking out for me and gives an honest appraisal, only slightly skewed by her own agenda ..... but at the end of the day, she is welcome to her say, but I dont have to follow the advice and she knows and accepts this0 -
samanthaapw wrote: »My significant annoyance actually wants me to gain weight (he's attracted to very large women) and tells me all the time that he would rather I gain then lose. I told him I couldn't be with someone who couldn't get behind me trying to lose weight to avoid health problems. And he backed off a little.
I have mentioned something about his weight to him and I have asked him to make better food choices because he has gained so much weight in the last year that his little buddy is no longer showing any signs of life. If he wants to be overweight that's fine but as least be healthy. enough to function.
This alone should be enough motivation for all men. Size is directly related to blood supply. If that blood is being circulated elsewhere the wedding tackle's ability to stand up and perform is directly diminished.3
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