Confession Time! ((ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGEMENT))

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  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,735 Member
    @lovelikewinter, you look great! Love the color of those pants.

    @rungirl1973, I get irrationally angry when people show up at my office unannounced (for personal reasons, I mean). I had to put my foot down and am very clear that I do not handle personal issues at work. I still get occasional calls, but I only continue the conversation if it's an emergency. Otherwise I'll say, "Oh, this is a personal issue. I'll call you back later tonight."

    Just a me thing. When I'm at work I like to be professional and not intertwine my personal life.
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,735 Member
    @lovelikewinter, you look great! Love the color of those pants.

    @rungirl1973, I get irrationally angry when people show up at my office unannounced (for personal reasons, I mean). I had to put my foot down and am very clear that I do not handle personal issues at work. I still get occasional calls, but I only continue the conversation if it's an emergency. Otherwise I'll say, "Oh, this is a personal issue. I'll call you back later tonight."

    Just a me thing. When I'm at work I like to be professional and not intertwine my personal life.
  • LBuehrle8
    LBuehrle8 Posts: 4,044 Member
    festerw wrote: »
    The Smart Ones Chicken Strips and Fries I just had for lunch merely angered me, so I'm eating 2 Oreo Pop Tarts as well.

    That sounds fabulous, jealous!
  • nonoelmo
    nonoelmo Posts: 3,941 Member
    LBuehrle8 wrote: »
    So I'm doing the happy dance- I wore a pair of pants to work that although they say size 6, let's be real, they're vanity sized and I'm really more like a 10. But... I haven't been able to wear these pants since before I was pregnant with my 9 month old, so almost 2 years? 2 years? something like that.

    And I'm now down to 21.6 lbs til goal. I'm also 1.6 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I was hoping to do the "9 months on, 9 months off" thing, but it's looking like it'll be closer to 9.5 months off. Oh well. What's important is that I'm doing it, right?

    I have a hard time with pants. I lost 160 lbs in 2008-early 2009 and kept it off even after my 1st pregnancy, then gained 20 lb back, got pregnant with my son and had 20 lbs left from that. So all together, I had 40 to lose. I still kept 75% of my weight loss off, so ok not too bad. But I honestly need a paniculectomy (spelling?) I have stomach skin that hangs badly and I have to tuck it into my underwear (I know, gross, sorry). I was waiting until I maintained my goal weight and was done having kids (we are) until I started saving for the surgery. Also, I checked into it- surgeons want you as low of a BMI as possible so they know they're just cutting skin, not all the fat/blood vessels underneath.
    So in the picture below, that's the weird lumpy thing around my hips- stoopid skin :( But I got cute orange pants on, so yayyy!

    inri8jadkm3l.jpg

    Aw yayy!!! That's so exciting- way to go!

    Well done, cute pants!
  • ShibaEars
    ShibaEars Posts: 3,928 Member
    Alma102724 wrote: »
    Ok heres my 3rd contribution to this thread:

    My dad AND my dog died on April 19. My dog at 3:00am and my dad at 5:28pm. He had a stroke and was recovering from it, was set to be released, then he had another massive stroke which did it for him. He was on a breathing tube, which he was against from the get go, but he was able to communicate with his foot. (up and down for yes, side to side for no) I was able to talk to him and ask him questions like "Do you understand what will happen if we take the tube out?" So in a sense I was able to get some type of closure. However right now, at this moment, I feel guilty for being so impatient with him towards his last days, I feel guilty for sometimes not even missing him, and I feel guilty for forgetting that he's gone. Towards the end of his days, he was either in dialysis or in the hospital and when he was home, he said very little but was always upbeat and happy (for the most part, well as happy as he could be given the situation/s he was put in.) It just feels like I didn't "feel" his passing even though as I write this it hurts my heart knowing he's gone.

    My dog, we had her for 15 years. When my dad was diagnosed with renal failure so was my dog, when he was diagnosed with arthritis so was she, etc. She was close to him but she was still my dog. When he had his first stroke she had a seizure. When he had his second one she had another seizure. She stopped eating and I blame myself for not watching her as I should have because for a whole week we were going back and forth to the hospital to be at my dad's bedside. I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible because I knew he wasn't going to be around for much longer. I didn't want to believe it but somehow I gave in to it and it wasn't until the day before her passing that I realized how thin she had gotten. We came home that night to sleep for a few hours and shower, my dad had since been taken off the breathing tube and it was just a waiting game at that point. I let her in, she was breathing rapidly so I thought it was just because she was excited and would calm down. She never did. She started throwing up nothing because there was nothing in her stomach so it was a dry heeve type of thing. I took her to the ER, once I pulled in to the parking lot she passed out. I thought she died. I ran inside screaming and she threw up some foamy stuff. The doctor ran out to meet me and took her back. I fell in to one of the consult rooms where I was inconsolable. I knew if she died my dad would follow. The tech came out told me how much it would be to stabalize her and I told her to do it I didnt care, it was my dog just save her. A few minutes later the doctor comes out and tells me she has fluid in her lungs and around her heart and he needed me to decide what I wanted to do. I knew I was going to have to contribute to my dad's funeral expenses and I knew if they drained it, it would just come back again.

    I chose to have her put down rather than the latter. Now I feel guilty for not saving her, for not doing everything I could to take care of her. It all happened so fast.

    I called my brother who stayed with my dad that night, screaming and crying for him to check on dad and make sure he was breathing, he was. I went back home with my dog in a plastic bag, let her two girls (she had puppies once, I kept two) say goodbye and we buried her. I slept for maybe an hour and it was off to the hospital again.

    My dad passed later that day at 5:28pm.

    I feel guilty for a lot of this. I feel like I'm cold for not missing either one of them, when everyone told me they saw the love I had for them both, but as I write this I can't help but feel so much hurt inside of me.

    We came home to find my dad's recliner empty and my dog's bed as well. She wasn't there to comfort me and neither was he. Our house feels so strange now.

    I am already rather emotional today, so this has me in tears. Don't feel guilty, about any of it. Your dog was unwell, and subjecting her to further tests/pain would have been unfair. For what it's worth, I feel you made the right decision for her. I'm so sorry for both of your losses. From what it sounds like, you probably haven't had time to really register it all, so you are feeling numb. I think that's normal. When it comes to grief, I don't think there's a way you *should* feel. Handle it as you need to.
  • LBuehrle8
    LBuehrle8 Posts: 4,044 Member
    I just found this board and have spent most of my morning reading and laughing! (Instead of working!) Although you don't know me (yet) - you have all totally made my day!! :)

    Yay! Welcome!
  • TH1RTYB3L0W
    TH1RTYB3L0W Posts: 4 Member
    I only weigh myself first thing in the morning, completely naked, after I've peed and pooped. If I don't poop, I won't weigh myself.
  • ShibaEars
    ShibaEars Posts: 3,928 Member
    LBuehrle8 wrote: »
    Just_Ceci wrote: »
    Jumping in on the name thing- I am Cecilia, named after my grandfather Cecil. One of my first bosses called me CC, which I morphed to Ceci. (My family calls me C-ya) My married name is of Greek origin and I love that I have a unique name!

    I named my daughter Samantha (would have been Samuel if a boy), because I wanted a Sam. (She goes by Sami now.)

    I love the name Cecilia! So pretty! I don't have kids or pets so I name my cars :) My first car in high school and college was named Goldie because she was gold, I know real original! My second car was named Grace because she was the color grey and my car now her name is Cecily! I call her Cess the sesspool haha even though I keep her very tidy! I named her Cecily because she's a Civic! My next car is going to be a Buick Encore and I've already decided to name her Bianca <3

    PS. My dad said cars are always girls so I've always just named them girls names!

    My sister has always named her cars, too! Her first car was ''Ringo Carr'' after the Beatles' Ringo Starr ;)

    I only named my first car. I called it Beastly (like from Care Bears) because it had a hole in the muffler and was pretty loud.
  • Oberon21
    Oberon21 Posts: 13,235 Member
    LBuehrle8 wrote: »
    MilicaX wrote: »
    I have a drug problem.

    Seek help sooner rather than later! Trust me. 11 days in detox, 35 days in rehab and a move to a place I didn't know a soul and now 8 years clean!!

    WOW! That's fantastic! Coming from someone who's struggled with alcohol useage that's so inspiring!

    Thank you :) It was a tough road but now I have an amazing life, great job, and a beautiful little boy! I was kind of scared to post about this because I keep it very private. Not that I am ashamed but simply because I left my past behind me and that's where I plan to keep it but you have all shared so much of your personal struggles I felt "safe" to do so too

    That is an amazing success and you should be completely proud of yourself. Kudos!
  • Dnarules
    Dnarules Posts: 2,081 Member
    LBuehrle8 wrote: »
    I ventured on to the main board. Nope, not doing that again. Staying here in my safe thread. Sometimes I feel like I should adjust my stats to show I've lost 139/21 to go instead of the 19 down/21 to go that I have now. I've been on here since 2009, albeit mostly lurking just because of the snide comments you get on the main board. I'm not a noob. I'm also not uninformed.

    God forbid anyone espouse an opinion that isn't strictly in line with what 90% of the board thinks *sigh* apparently I'm all in my feels about it.

    I know most people hate the main forum board but I love it. Well reading it that is. I will never post because I feel, like you, I'm pretty knowledgeable about my health and weight loss seeing as I didn't let myself get that large to begin with and I'm steadily losing now after watching my calories and actually working out again.

    I will say that a lot of the time I tend to agree with what a lot of the "mean" posters are saying but I don't agree with their deliverance. On the flip side also I can understand their frustration because sometimes I just want to throttle the OP!! Just not worth posting, but definitely makes a highly entertaining read! o:)B)

    This is me, too. I spend way too much time in there, but I am mostly a lurker.

  • MoHousdon
    MoHousdon Posts: 8,723 Member
    MoHousdon wrote: »
    JPW1990 wrote: »
    MoHousdon wrote: »
    Francl27 wrote: »
    I made my co-workers go with me to the Whole Foods down the street from my work on our lunch break to look for a specific kind of ice cream (Halo Top), which they didn't have, even though other Whole Foods' carry it. My co-workers were trying to be helpful in suggesting other kinds of ice cream, but totally missed the point of this specific ice cream in the first place, which made me unreasonably internally pouty and now I feel bad. (The ice cream I was looking for has 70 calories per serving, 7 grams of protein, 4 grams of carbs, and 3 grams of fat. Ben and Jerry's isn't going to cut it, no matter how delicious it is :disappointed: )

    Also, they kind of think I'm a nut, now, for caring that much about a brand of ice cream.

    I can completely relate to that, apart from the fact that I would have to be very comfortable with someone to drag them to a store for a specific treat, lol.

    How is that ice cream, though? It kinda sounds too good to be true.

    Everyone and their mother in another group I belong to (/r/xxfitness and the associated Facebook group) RAVES about it (specifically the Lemon Cake kind), so I thought it would be worthwhile to at least TRY it. I thought I'd buy it at work, because there are a bunch of fitness-minded people here who would help me devour it if I didn't like it. Alas, the store nearest me did not have it. I don't like artificially sweetened things, but when they're sweetened with sugar alcohols as opposed to aspartame I don't mind them as much, and if it's frozen it's even harder to taste the "fakeness" of it, so I thought I'd give it a go.

    I'm going to see where else I can get it, and report back.

    Now I will DEFINITELY have to find it. I LOVE lemon cake. I wonder if it's like sorbet more than ice cream? I'm a little worried about the sugar alcohols though. The last time I ate something with sugar alcohols, I had to change my address to the third stall in office bathroom. :neutral:

    Do you remember which kind you had before? I do ok with erythritol, some of the others, I'm a sugar free gummy bear story in real time.

    Whatever is in the Pure Protein bar. It was not a pleasant experience. So much so that I suggested eating one to someone that confessed that they were constipated.

    Have any of you guys tried the Optimum Nutrition Cookie Dough Casein powder?

    No, but am I sure I would want to?! :/

  • nonoelmo
    nonoelmo Posts: 3,941 Member
    MilicaX wrote: »
    I have a drug problem.

    (HUGS) I don't have experience with this but I support your efforts to get where you want to be.

  • nonoelmo
    nonoelmo Posts: 3,941 Member
    MilicaX wrote: »
    I have a drug problem.

    Seek help sooner rather than later! Trust me. 11 days in detox, 35 days in rehab and a move to a place I didn't know a soul and now 8 years clean!!

    Fantastic! Well done
  • quiksylver296
    quiksylver296 Posts: 28,439 Member
    I just found this board and have spent most of my morning reading and laughing! (Instead of working!) Although you don't know me (yet) - you have all totally made my day!! :)

    Welcome to the best thread on MFP!!!
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,735 Member
    LBuehrle8 wrote: »
    BZAH10 wrote: »
    Tubbs216 wrote: »
    BZAH10 wrote: »
    Rabbit914 wrote: »
    BZAH10 wrote: »
    Sounds like you're a naturally strong person, so you probably don't need it. I do. I'm quite the weakling. Well, physically anyway. Mentally, no. Mentally I'm known as the Boot Camp Drill Sargent in my family. Physically, well??? Let's just say that sometimes going in and out of the grocery store I step onto the automatic door thingy and the door doesn't open. Thankfully, I learned from "Toy Story" to jump up and down once or twice and the door opens. My son finds this highly amusing and will lag behind me just to watch it happen.

    See and I can picture that and it's awesome. haha

    Awesomely embarrassing, yes!

    I don't jump up and down, but sometimes I have to cha cha back and forth to catch the sensor. We'd be a blast trying to get into the store together.

    I just wave at it... When I was a kid and I was too young (read: short) for the sensor (it's at the top of the door around here...) to see me, a male employee came over and just waved at it and it opened. I've been doing that ever since, and it works every time. I probably still look like a moron, waving at the door... "Hey there, door!"
    This reminds me. My husband thanks inanimate objects for things. He's embarrassing at the self-checkouts that talk to you because he'll actually bend down and say 'Thank you' to it. :|

    Oh that is funny! Well, only because you have to deal with it and I don't. My husband spends way too much time home alone now that he's retired. He talks to himself constantly and when he's not talking he's whistling. He now does this out in public. Drives me nuts. Seriously??? Shhhhhh. It's like walking around in public singing. Can you please NOT call attention to us for no reason?

    Whistlers grate on my nerves! Especially if they're shrill.

    There's an old man who shops at my store who sings & it's adorable & hilarious all at the same time. The one day he went around singing The Star Spangled Banner. Now there's another old man that brings a piccolo in that sounds freaking awful! Makes me want to ram the piccolo down his throat.

    Are we twins? I thought I was the only one!! My dad whistles ALL the time, I can't handle it!! Especially when he does it in the car! GRRR whistling for me is like nails on a chalk board for someone else :#

    Me too! I'm so glad I'm not alone with this, but my husband is a non-stop whistler. Yes, he know it drives me insane, but it's definitely one of those "pick your battles" things, so I try to just deal with it. However, if I know something annoys him I don't purposely do it. :(
  • ShibaEars
    ShibaEars Posts: 3,928 Member
    Another slightly embarrassing confession:

    If I have alcohol in my hand, I will spend no time at all drinking the whole thing. I don't do it on purpose, I guess I'm just a fast drinker! Everyone is always telling me to slow down, which is a little bit embarrassing :lol: I just poured myself champagne and drank the thing like I would a soft drink, forgetting it contained alcohol!! Guess practice makes perfect :/ I don't know how people drink so slowly.

    ... I will make myself sick one day.

    If I don't put my drink down I will finish it quickly too. I make a point to set it down every couple sips.
  • irishdancer214
    irishdancer214 Posts: 108 Member
    I was craving something sweet the other night but had absolutely nothing in the house that would satisfy me except some hot chocolate. So I ate two spoonfuls of the powder. Two spoonfuls. Of the powder.

    Oh I've done that... and protein powder...I ate that once too (really sweet kind...idk it tasted good lol)
  • crosbylee
    crosbylee Posts: 3,455 Member
    pofoster21 wrote: »
    Well, I have a not-so-confessiony confession (that sounded weird.). I've mentioned here before that I was writing a book on an amateur writing website (Wattpad). Today, I finally finished the book! I just posted the final chapter like... Fifteen minutes ago.

    My husband refused to read it until it was fully complete (he hates incomplete things, whether they're books or series) but he wanted to read it when it was done. So, he read it today, and I was really nervous because he's usually reeeeally picky about the books he reads. He said that he enjoyed it and the plot was really unique! (very rare praise from him) I'm SO GIDDY RIGHT NOW. :D

    I also got tons of feedback on how unique and original the storyline is from almost every single commenter, so now I feel all warm and fuzzy and special. ;) Yay me!

    Congratulations. That's a big deal. I am envious of people that have the ability to write!!

    Thanks! I just keep refreshing my notification page, hoping for new comments. :p I wouldn't say I'm much of a writer, actually. I'm a pretty good essay writer, so I can convey a lot of information in a very concise manner. As a result, my first story is really short. Each chapter is like... One and a half pages.

    My sister's been a writer since she was about 13, and she writes novels. My entire BOOK could fit into one of her chapters! :o

    So... can you post a link that we can all read it? And this is wonderful! And you are a great writer, as we all know from reading your posts!

    I would really love to share a link, but you'd all require quite a bit of background to understand the book at all. You see, I wrote it anticipating a Muslims-only audience and didn't really provide any explanation or background for non-Muslims to follow along. As my husband said when I said someone here requested a link to my book (SO EXCITING!), "You'll be throwing them into completely uncharted territory, and they'll be completely confused..."

    So, here's the required background, and if you still want to read it, click away at the link at the bottom! You don't need to be a member of the Wattpad site to read the books on it, by the way, so that's a plus. :)

    In Islam, we believe in the world of the unseen. This is basically the world of spirits and things that we can't see, but we believe that they exist--the fact that we can't see them is a test of the strength of our belief, basically. The inhabitants of the unseen world are the jinn, and they're the spirits that people think are ghosts (we don't believe in the undead). Unlike humans, who are made from clay, jinn are created from fire.

    For an accurate portrayal of the world of jinn (not for the faint of heart), see this Islamic book about jinn, posted by my sister: http://www.wattpad.com/story/12069640-the-jinn

    Because they're part of the unseen world, we actually know very little about the jinn. So, keep in mind that my book is fictious and not a very accurate portrayal of the way that jinn live their lives.

    My basic inspiration for writing the story was that people write Islamic fiction all the time, but books focusing on jinn are almost always horror stories. But we know for sure that there are actually many, many Muslim jinn in this world. We have little to no contact with Muslim jinn because we're forbidden to try to contact them, and only the Muslim jinn adhere to this rule. I wanted to show other Muslims (most are terrified of jinn) that jinn aren't all bad, and we're all God's creation regardless of our species. I also wanted to portray Islam through the innocent eyes of a child, rather than focusing on the technicalities of the actual practice of the religion, so there's more of a light focus.

    So if you're interested in reading a paranormal Islamic fiction, I hope you enjoy the story! Here's the link: http://www.wattpad.com/story/36935539-living-on-the-other-side

    There's also no glossary for Arabic or Islamic terms, but I kept those to a minimum, so hopefully there won't be too much confusion.

    Sorry for the novel of explanation! I just didn't want anyone to jump in and be completely lost... "What in the world is she TALKING ABOUT?!" ;)

    Thanks for the link and the background information. I fully plan to read this. It sounds very interesting, then again, I like things like this.
  • nonoelmo
    nonoelmo Posts: 3,941 Member
    MoHousdon wrote: »
    Almost 2 full hours to catch up and now I'm going into a meeting.

    T-16 days until vacation!!! I took my swimsuit out of the laundry room yesterday and I'm planning on doing a little photoshoot with them tonight. Not while wearing them, but lying on the bed. I will try to remember to post a pic on here tomorrow.

    I weighed myself this morning and I'm back up above my goal weight. I'm not sure how that's happened because I've maintained a deficit pretty regularly so I'm kind of pissed off about it. The only thing I can think of that would have caused the gain is the swelling on my leg caused by my taking a grounder to the shin while playing softball during youth group Sunday. Ask @quiksylver296 it's nasty. My whole lower leg including my ankle is really swollen and bruised. I'm hoping it will back to normal by the time we leave for Florida.

    Well, I gotta go to my meeting now. See you all in 10 pages or so.

    Have fun!
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,735 Member
    AlciaMode wrote: »
    kelly_c_77 wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    And about names- mine is Savannah. My mom was going to name me Isabella if I had dark hair, but I was born blonde.... so Savannah it was. It's a pretty popular name in the Southern United States, but in Montreal it has gotten butchered so many times. I haven't met a single person with my name up here! :tongue:

    I named one of my former dogs Savannah, for Savannah Georgia actually, because I always wanted to go there. All of my dogs since then have had geographic names.

    When one of my young coworkers was pregnant, knew she was having a girl, and couldn't think of a girl's name... I suggested Savannah. My rationale was that her son had the same name as one of my earlier dogs so her second child should be named after my dog too. Turns out her husband went to school with a Savannah and didn't like the girl so Savannah was tainted for him as a name. However, ever since then I have referred to her daughter as Savannah instead of her real name.
    The funny thing is that my sister's name is Georgia. People always get a good laugh over that when we introduce ourselves at the same time :tongue:
    Alma102724 wrote: »
    Alma102724 wrote: »
    Ok heres my 3rd contribution to this thread:

    My dad AND my dog died on April 19. My dog at 3:00am and my dad at 5:28pm. He had a stroke and was recovering from it, was set to be released, then he had another massive stroke which did it for him. He was on a breathing tube, which he was against from the get go, but he was able to communicate with his foot. (up and down for yes, side to side for no) I was able to talk to him and ask him questions like "Do you understand what will happen if we take the tube out?" So in a sense I was able to get some type of closure. However right now, at this moment, I feel guilty for being so impatient with him towards his last days, I feel guilty for sometimes not even missing him, and I feel guilty for forgetting that he's gone. Towards the end of his days, he was either in dialysis or in the hospital and when he was home, he said very little but was always upbeat and happy (for the most part, well as happy as he could be given the situation/s he was put in.) It just feels like I didn't "feel" his passing even though as I write this it hurts my heart knowing he's gone.

    My dog, we had her for 15 years. When my dad was diagnosed with renal failure so was my dog, when he was diagnosed with arthritis so was she, etc. She was close to him but she was still my dog. When he had his first stroke she had a seizure. When he had his second one she had another seizure. She stopped eating and I blame myself for not watching her as I should have because for a whole week we were going back and forth to the hospital to be at my dad's bedside. I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible because I knew he wasn't going to be around for much longer. I didn't want to believe it but somehow I gave in to it and it wasn't until the day before her passing that I realized how thin she had gotten. We came home that night to sleep for a few hours and shower, my dad had since been taken off the breathing tube and it was just a waiting game at that point. I let her in, she was breathing rapidly so I thought it was just because she was excited and would calm down. She never did. She started throwing up nothing because there was nothing in her stomach so it was a dry heeve type of thing. I took her to the ER, once I pulled in to the parking lot she passed out. I thought she died. I ran inside screaming and she threw up some foamy stuff. The doctor ran out to meet me and took her back. I fell in to one of the consult rooms where I was inconsolable. I knew if she died my dad would follow. The tech came out told me how much it would be to stabalize her and I told her to do it I didnt care, it was my dog just save her. A few minutes later the doctor comes out and tells me she has fluid in her lungs and around her heart and he needed me to decide what I wanted to do. I knew I was going to have to contribute to my dad's funeral expenses and I knew if they drained it, it would just come back again.

    I chose to have her put down rather than the latter. Now I feel guilty for not saving her, for not doing everything I could to take care of her. It all happened so fast.

    I called my brother who stayed with my dad that night, screaming and crying for him to check on dad and make sure he was breathing, he was. I went back home with my dog in a plastic bag, let her two girls (she had puppies once, I kept two) say goodbye and we buried her. I slept for maybe an hour and it was off to the hospital again.

    My dad passed later that day at 5:28pm.

    I feel guilty for a lot of this. I feel like I'm cold for not missing either one of them, when everyone told me they saw the love I had for them both, but as I write this I can't help but feel so much hurt inside of me.

    We came home to find my dad's recliner empty and my dog's bed as well. She wasn't there to comfort me and neither was he. Our house feels so strange now.
    Don't blame yourself or feel bad for any of the feelings you are experiencing. Death has a way of shaking you up like that, and you had two significant losses in one day. I can't express how sorry I am!

    I don't know if this will be of any help to you, but I lost my dad last year. He had been struggling with multiple sclerosis ever since before I was born, and he spent the last years of his life almost completely paralyzed. I lived with him in high school and helped to take care of him (basic things like cooking meals, etc), but I feel horrible about how irritated I was at him sometimes for needing the treatment he did (too hot, too cold, needed to be turned over in his bed). Saying this feels me with shame, but I loved him deeply as it sounds like you did your own father. We are people too, though, and can't always be perfect individuals.

    For a long time I just felt shock over it, and still do in a sense... I don't cry over him very often at all (there have been times when I have been overcome with grief and couldn't get out of bed), and feel guilty about it, but I cannot bring myself to say the word ''dad'' unless I am talking to my family... it brings up all these sad feelings.

    Whether you cry or are in shock or cannot bring yourself to feel much of anything, people mourn and grieve in different ways and it doesn't mean you didn't care. Again, I'm so sorry.

    Yes that is exactly how I felt! Especially how you mentioned not crying at all, some days I'm so nonchalant about everything. Then there's days like this, where I think I should be sad.

    For him it was always too hot or cold, too much light coming in it had to always be dark and I'd get so frustrated and tell him he needed to be in the sunlight and he'd say his eyes hurt with the bright light. I didn't realize to what extent that's why I feel bad.

    I can't say my dad is dead out loud or anything mentioning the word death, dying, etc. I just can't. Honestly (confession) I feel worse watching my mom cry than knowing my dad is gone. At least I know he's not suffering but her, she loved that man. She was with him 40+ years I can't imagine what she must be feeling.
    I agree, it's really difficult watching the (still living) loved ones around you suffer. I cried a lot during the funeral. And you're right about our dads not suffering anymore, at least there is that :)

    I have to agree with this also. My parents were together for almost 50 years when my mom passed last year. My mom was a stay at home mom and my dad retired at an early age. So once he retired, they were both home every day together for the past 25 years and were so close. They built their own little world in that house and now my dad has to live in it...alone. It is heartbreaking. Going through my mom's things to help clean out the house was just awful...everything in there had a memory to go with it...and we had to see my dad struggle with each item he touched. In my 36 years, I had never seen my dad cry...until last year. Now it's kind of normal to see him cry...because he does it so often. :(

    That is heartbreaking, and I get where you are coming from. My dad was always a brutish bull type of dude. When my mom passed away two years ago he broke. Now he is a huge puppy dog and it is taking me a while to get used to it, but I love my dad and only wish my mom had gotten to see him as the humble caring man he is now.

    Ps. Lucky for my dad my parents rented so we got him a new smaller apartment asap so as not to have him sitting in an apartment full of memories.

    I'm sure she knew that side of him existed. I'm sorry for your and his loss.