Lame Jokes. And I mean REALLY lame.

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  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,793 Member
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    Where do animals go when their tails fall off?


    The retail store.
  • beertrollruss
    beertrollruss Posts: 276 Member
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    mojohowitz wrote: »
    A man sees a dog licking its privates and says "Man, I wish I could do that."
    His friend replies, "Maybe you should pet him first."

    This is my favorite so far.

    From Rocky, "Why do cows wear bells?" "Cause their horns don't work"

    How do you stop a rhino from charging? Take away it's credit cards.

  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,793 Member
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    Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?


    Because the P is silent.
  • justinegibbons
    justinegibbons Posts: 918 Member
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    Not gonna lie.. I laughed at a lot of these.

    Man walks in to the doctor with carrots stuck in his nose and ears. "doc, I'm not feeling well".. The doctor says "well, you're not eating right!"
  • Evenstranger
    Evenstranger Posts: 69 Member
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    What did the snail say while riding on a turtle's back?

    WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,793 Member
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    What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?


    Bison.
  • Out_of_Bubblegum
    Out_of_Bubblegum Posts: 2,220 Member
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    Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

    He sold his soul to Santa.
  • jessilynbraden
    jessilynbraden Posts: 16 Member
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    ok.
    There were two muffin in an oven.
    One muffin turns to the other and says "Damn! It's hot in here! Are you hot too?!"

    The other muffin looks over and yells "HOLY *kitten* A TALKING MUFFIN!"
  • sljohnson1207
    sljohnson1207 Posts: 818 Member
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    What do you call a pig that does karate?


    Pork Chop.
  • Evenstranger
    Evenstranger Posts: 69 Member
    edited March 2015
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    A blonde goes to the doctor, and says "I hurt all over!" The doctor asks her to point out specifically where it hurts. She points to her nose and says "Ouch!" She points at her shoulder and says "Ouch!" She points at her knee and says "Ouch!" The doctor says, "I know whats wrong. Your finger's broken."
  • markiend
    markiend Posts: 461 Member
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    what's grey and takes the piss ?



    a dialysis machine
  • dpwellman
    dpwellman Posts: 3,271 Member
    edited March 2015
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    How do you milk an ant? First, you get a low stool. . .

    What sort of noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster

    Bovine humor
    What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef

    A cow with one leg? Extra lean beef

    Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump a barbed wire fence? It was an udder disaster

    What are cows best subjects? Ther-moo-dynamics and Cow-culus

    Cuisinart is French for "missing fingers".

    My own creations
    Did I ever tell you about my uncle who had the rabbit farm? He always said it was a hare raising experience.

    I once tried prospecting for gold. It didn't pan out.

    I think the most dangerous job in the world is a mortician. Every day is a near death experience.
  • kab789
    kab789 Posts: 110 Member
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    What did the white mouse do to the blue mouse?



    Mouse to mouse resuscitation
  • dpwellman
    dpwellman Posts: 3,271 Member
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    Riffraft1960 wrote: »
    Why do elephants. . .
    Elephant jokes might need their own thread. . . maybe.

  • dpwellman
    dpwellman Posts: 3,271 Member
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    The 11 year old's favorite:

    Why are fire engines red?

    Fire engines a red because books are read too. Two times two is four. Four times three is twelve. Twelve inches make a ruler. Queen Mary was also a ruler. Queen Mary was also the name of a ship. Ships sail oceans. Oceans have fish. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. Russians are known as 'Reds'. Fire trucks are always rushin', so that's why they're red.
  • sullus
    sullus Posts: 2,839 Member
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    What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat?

    The hospital bed.
  • jenieo
    jenieo Posts: 7 Member
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    A 3 legged dog walks into a bar, says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa(w)"
  • _Terrapin_
    _Terrapin_ Posts: 4,302 Member
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    What did the Buddhist order from the hot dog vendor? One. . . .with everything.
  • Nihluz
    Nihluz Posts: 1 Member
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    Kid comes in arms flailing.

    Kid: Daaaad its so cold in here
    Dad: Go stand in the corner
    Kid: huh? Why?
    Dad: cause its 90 degrees!
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
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    personally, i like steak puns... They're a rare medium, well done

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