always friendzoned - advice?
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Most of my nice guy friends who think they're being friendzoned or think no one wants to date them, aren't directly asking girls out. Or they're asking out girls who barely know them. Or they're ignoring the girls who are completely interested in them but they don't see what's right in front of them. For instance one of my friends is really good friends with a girl who is so completely interested in him but he's looking for "a girl to date" and isn't even thinking about the girls who he sees everyday and has conversations with. He's not doing this on purpose I think it's more like he's so focused on trying to find a relationship that he's sabatoging himself.
Also most girls can sense desperation. And if it's not syncing then it's just not gonna work out. Like there's this guy who keeps asking me out but we have nothing in common and it's obvious by the way he flirts and talks that he just really wants a girlfriend and any girl will do.
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TheLegendaryBrandonHarris wrote: »I've tried a lot of different ways, mainly based on time periods in my life and how I was feeling. It wasn't a conscious choice---shy and awkward in the early years, cocky and confident in my 20s, more reserved in college (I started college in my late 20s and most of the girls I dated were 5 to 9 years younger than me), then after college back to low self-confidence, and currently becoming the confident Alpha type again. It's how I feel about myself, which is heavily driven by how fat or thin I am.
The truth is, don't ask women what women want because they don't know. The answer you'll get will be what they want to be true, although that won't harmonize with reality. Be yourself, as long as yourself is confident and motivated. I know that sounds like I'm a jerk and I know people will throw things at me, but that's all there is to it.
Now, there are tons of subtleties to this. I dont mean act like Gaston from "Beauty and the Beast." I mean someone who is confident in their abilities while being gracious to others. For instance, you see someone broken down on the side of the road and you say, "I'm going to stop because I can help these people, even if its just asking if they are OK and have mobile phone."
Confidence isn't something you can will or conjure up. It's learned and it's felt and it comes from action and experience. Make sure you're always studying something. Learning to do things, anything. It makes your mind better and you'll think differently, and confidenence grows out of knowing you are a pretty good guy who takes care of his body and mind and is strong enough to look out for and take care of others. This also ties in to motivation. Be doing something. Set goals and objectives. Women do not like idle men.
Also, be generous. They like that. So does the person you help. And it's the right thing to do. Win/win/win. Be confident enough to say nice things about people. Weak men cry and moan and tear other people down, and it's unattractive. Be a builder. Build a better body, mind, a stronger character. That goes a long way. And don't forget to have fun.
This is why so many of my female friends are bi-sexual.
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determined_ella wrote: »Ok..... I have had 3 relationships from online..... not a dating sites though! it was actually just a normal chat room... 8 years ago they didn't have hardly any...er... well maybe the odd perv
but there wasn't much sex chat etc.
I met them and things went great for a matter of months... then the real them came through.... not forgetting the person you are on a computer compared to real life is sometimes very different... they can be so quiet on here... but then you meet them and they are loud and crazy crazy lol. honestly, I'd say back away from the internet if you're looking for love....... my ex I met him off a chat room... he used to flirt like crazy... then when we met it was great.. then eventually moved in with me.... then I saw exactly what I wasn't seeing through a computer screen.... he was still on the chat room hooking up with women! also his ex lol. I only found this out as he gave me his phone when he got a new one... his ex and his other girlies were texting me saying hey thanks for the pics etc.... so I replied saying sorry who's this... then they told me everything... was a good 3 hour conversation with 3 women he had strung along... so booted him to the curb
sadly that wasn't the only time... happened twice but I caught the second one out within a month lol. learn by your mistakes.
honestly go out your front door... and be yourself!! because reading these books are not going to make you into something you are not.... I mean how long could you keep up with the book... say you met someone, because of the lines you're throwing at her.... then 1-5 years down the line you're fed up of being someone you're not... then you change back and she dislikes that you're "not the same as you were when you met" then you have officially wasted part of your life see where I'm going with this?
girls tend to go for what they want.... sadly some people put looks before everything
but you wouldn't want one of them.... you seem like you could be a settling down kind of guy.
Do they like to be looked at (sexually)? <<< not unless they feel the same way about you.
you would know if a woman is interested... the eye contact, the body gestures etc. should read a book on body language... now that is an interesting read... and it is actually very accurate! good luck!mumblemagic wrote: »
What is NoFap, BTW?
it's basically quitting mast*rbation and p*rn
That's a real deal breaker for me. I refuse, refuse I tell ya!
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And this is how some women see "playing the long game"
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Hahahah a shocking amount of my guy friends do this to their or my other friends. It's like they expect the girl to ask them out because they're always around or something0 -
TheLegendaryBrandonHarris wrote: »But you are right. For more clarity I should have stated it thusly:
Don't ask women what women want in a man because they don't know.
Has it ever occurred to you that, like men, women are not one entity and there isn't really any set of specific things all women want from men? All my girlfriends and I require very different qualities in the type of guys we are interested in.
All the guys I've ever known, platonic or otherwise, have varied GREATLY in what they seek out from partners. So when people ask stuff like "What do men/women want?" it's a bit of a ridiculous question unless you know what YOU'RE looking for. Everyone wants something different.
Some people are not remotely aware of what they want and may say one thing but not even realize that's not even very important to them, no matter what gender they are. Some people are more shallow and want their partners to look a certain way, and there's nothing wrong with that, and others may want more than a pretty face and hot body. Women, like men, are not one conglomerate. If I judged all men based on what you've just said, I'd be incredibly misinformed on men as a whole and how they think. Stop being so condescending.
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Best advice I can give you:
Don't ask women for advice, they have no idea how dating works for men. Don't ask men who have been married for a long time either, they've forgotten whatever game they may have once had.
Ask guys who pull a lot, especially if they're not incredibly good looking.0 -
it's basically quitting mast*rbation and p*rnslideaway1 wrote: »That's a real deal breaker for me. I refuse, refuse I tell ya! believe it or not.... the real deal is a much better place than sat on your own watching others do what you want to.... plus it has it's benefits
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Girls want whatever the media tells them they want. Only joking sisters!! 0
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slideaway1 wrote: »What some people consider the Friend zone, others just see as playing the long game. Just try to put a more positive slant on it .
No. If you are going to be friends with someone be friends with them. Playing the long game isn't being friends it is being manipulative and dishonest and I don't think that is something to be proud of.
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I think the wink in all of those comments suggest I was joking anyway. Calm down.0
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Look, women don't ALL want X-feature in a potential partner. So asking what women want is silly not because we don't know, but because WE ARE MANY AND VARIED and what I want is not what the next lady will want.
Don't ask a sample of women what women want in a partner, but do everything else the legendary dude and at least one other said: Focus on yourself and being a person you'd want to be. I don't mean "Oh I want to be a person with a girlfriend, how do I do that?!" What features do you want others to see in you? Be someone you like being, or like being who you already are. If you like who you are as a person, positivity will come much more easily. You may not become super confident but you'll know you're good enough just as you are. You may not become a pro at your hobbies/goals but you'll have a passion for the things you choose to have an interest in. And you may still want a relationship, but you won't need one to feel emotionally fulfilled.
Needing a relationship or needing a partner to feel worthy or happy puts a lot of pressure on anyone you could potentially date. It can sometimes be obvious to others and they might think you're a great guy but they don't want that responsibility.
That's why so many people have said to take the pressure off of finding a date and to just do you. Because the difference between someone who'd like a relationship and someone who needs one is the first person already has their own identity and direction at least a little bit figured out and the second one is incomplete and will require a lot more work from a partner. The second person is setting themselves up for hurt and angst.
If you are your number one priority, then romance will be nice but it won't devastate you in its absence. Then you may take the opportunity to ask a girl out, or she may ask you out, and you're capable of dealing with any outcome. Being rejected will feel less like "ARGH WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!" and more like "Huh, I guess I misread her! Oh well."
Good luck to you... and stop believing in the friendzone.0 -
slideaway1 wrote: »Calm down.
I am as serene as the surface of a lake on a windless day; I wonder what makes you think otherwise?
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I will link you to this, its a good read. thoughts-on-the-friendzone.
As far as I'm concerned, there is no such thing as the "friendzone". If there is a guy I have a lot in common with etc I'm either attracted to them or not. If I am, then I like them and would consider dating them. If I don't, then I like them as a friend. The difference between guys I want to be friends with and guys I want to date is whether I find them attractive or not. That's all the "friendzone" is. A guy who thinks a girl has to be attracted to him because he wants her to be, when she isn't he says he's been "friendzoned" because he wont accept she just isn't interested.
Also, something I read (I think it was on a forum post here on MFP actually) that I always remember when people talk about "nice guys" or the "friendzone".
Girls aren't vending machines you put niceness into until sex comes out.
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slideaway1 wrote: »determined_ella wrote: »Ok..... I have had 3 relationships from online..... not a dating sites though! it was actually just a normal chat room... 8 years ago they didn't have hardly any...er... well maybe the odd perv but there wasn't much sex chat etc.
I met them and things went great for a matter of months... then the real them came through.... not forgetting the person you are on a computer compared to real life is sometimes very different... they can be so quiet on here... but then you meet them and they are loud and crazy crazy lol. honestly, I'd say back away from the internet if you're looking for love....... my ex I met him off a chat room... he used to flirt like crazy... then when we met it was great.. then eventually moved in with me.... then I saw exactly what I wasn't seeing through a computer screen.... he was still on the chat room hooking up with women! also his ex lol. I only found this out as he gave me his phone when he got a new one... his ex and his other girlies were texting me saying hey thanks for the pics etc.... so I replied saying sorry who's this... then they told me everything... was a good 3 hour conversation with 3 women he had strung along... so booted him to the curb
sadly that wasn't the only time... happened twice but I caught the second one out within a month lol. learn by your mistakes.
honestly go out your front door... and be yourself!! because reading these books are not going to make you into something you are not.... I mean how long could you keep up with the book... say you met someone, because of the lines you're throwing at her.... then 1-5 years down the line you're fed up of being someone you're not... then you change back and she dislikes that you're "not the same as you were when you met" then you have officially wasted part of your life see where I'm going with this?
girls tend to go for what they want.... sadly some people put looks before everything but you wouldn't want one of them.... you seem like you could be a settling down kind of guy.
Do they like to be looked at (sexually)? <<< not unless they feel the same way about you.
you would know if a woman is interested... the eye contact, the body gestures etc. should read a book on body language... now that is an interesting read... and it is actually very accurate! good luck!mumblemagic wrote: »
What is NoFap, BTW?
it's basically quitting mast*rbation and p*rn
That's a real deal breaker for me. I refuse, refuse I tell ya!
Me too! Madness!
Also how would it help get a girl?
And would it not make sex last about 5 seconds?0 -
slideaway1 wrote: »What some people consider the Friend zone, others just see as playing the long game. Just try to put a more positive slant on it .
No. If you are going to be friends with someone be friends with them. Playing the long game isn't being friends it is being manipulative and dishonest and I don't think that is something to be proud of.
He's joking (I think). He has a habit of chiming in with cheeky, mildly inflammatory remarks intended to be humourous. They usually are but this one is a little over the line :-)0 -
determined_ella wrote: »it's basically quitting mast*rbation and p*rnslideaway1 wrote: »That's a real deal breaker for me. I refuse, refuse I tell ya! believe it or not.... the real deal is a much better place than sat on your own watching others do what you want to.... plus it has it's benefits
I say why choose? You can have the real deal and "alone time"
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mumblemagic wrote: »slideaway1 wrote: »determined_ella wrote: »Ok..... I have had 3 relationships from online..... not a dating sites though! it was actually just a normal chat room... 8 years ago they didn't have hardly any...er... well maybe the odd perv but there wasn't much sex chat etc.
I met them and things went great for a matter of months... then the real them came through.... not forgetting the person you are on a computer compared to real life is sometimes very different... they can be so quiet on here... but then you meet them and they are loud and crazy crazy lol. honestly, I'd say back away from the internet if you're looking for love....... my ex I met him off a chat room... he used to flirt like crazy... then when we met it was great.. then eventually moved in with me.... then I saw exactly what I wasn't seeing through a computer screen.... he was still on the chat room hooking up with women! also his ex lol. I only found this out as he gave me his phone when he got a new one... his ex and his other girlies were texting me saying hey thanks for the pics etc.... so I replied saying sorry who's this... then they told me everything... was a good 3 hour conversation with 3 women he had strung along... so booted him to the curb
sadly that wasn't the only time... happened twice but I caught the second one out within a month lol. learn by your mistakes.
honestly go out your front door... and be yourself!! because reading these books are not going to make you into something you are not.... I mean how long could you keep up with the book... say you met someone, because of the lines you're throwing at her.... then 1-5 years down the line you're fed up of being someone you're not... then you change back and she dislikes that you're "not the same as you were when you met" then you have officially wasted part of your life see where I'm going with this?
girls tend to go for what they want.... sadly some people put looks before everything but you wouldn't want one of them.... you seem like you could be a settling down kind of guy.
Do they like to be looked at (sexually)? <<< not unless they feel the same way about you.
you would know if a woman is interested... the eye contact, the body gestures etc. should read a book on body language... now that is an interesting read... and it is actually very accurate! good luck!mumblemagic wrote: »
What is NoFap, BTW?
it's basically quitting mast*rbation and p*rn
That's a real deal breaker for me. I refuse, refuse I tell ya!
Me too! Madness!
Also how would it help get a girl?
And would it not make sex last about 5 seconds?
And isn't it really bad for the prostate to not "clean the pipes"?0 -
mumblemagic wrote: »determined_ella wrote: »it's basically quitting mast*rbation and p*rnslideaway1 wrote: »That's a real deal breaker for me. I refuse, refuse I tell ya! believe it or not.... the real deal is a much better place than sat on your own watching others do what you want to.... plus it has it's benefits
I say why choose? You can have the real deal and "alone time"
ah but for people who go to nofap is usually because they have a very unhealthy way of *kitten*... where it takes over their lives... stops them getting a partner too.
but yes if both parties accept that you *kitten* ( some don't like the idea of you touching your own body alone.... as normally they are insecure that your doing it for someone else )
but I agree both should be allowed in a relationship lol 0 -
slideaway1 wrote: »What some people consider the Friend zone, others just see as playing the long game. Just try to put a more positive slant on it .
No. If you are going to be friends with someone be friends with them. Playing the long game isn't being friends it is being manipulative and dishonest and I don't think that is something to be proud of.
This.
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Eliminate the idea of a friend zone. This doesn't exist. What you're describing happens to women too. I've been out with plenty of guys who think I'm a nice person but they don't want to date me. I don't have a special word for it.
What do girls care for (first)?
Looks? Sympathy? Weight? Stature?
There's a lot of variance in what women find attractive, as the previous posters pointed out. What I consider to be good looking can be totally different from what another woman prefers. (I don't think Ryan Reynolds is hot. I understand why people think he's attractive but I am not attracted to him.) As such, I wouldn't make it a goal to fit any sort of mold.
The whole "be yourself" advice sounds unhelpful but it gets repeated because it's true. Be a confident and self-aware version of yourself. In the end you should be yourself because you want to end up with someone who likes you for you and not someone you're pretending to be.0
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