always friendzoned - advice?

lydiakitten

lydiakitten wrote: »

...? League? What league? Alright, I agree that a lot of guys have an inflated sense of their own attractiveness because they are not quite as constantly and mercilessly bombarded by negativity from every single form of media ("you have cellulite" "you are bloated, eat this yogurt" "wear these spax panties" "wear better makeup" "buy this cream for your wrinkles" "spend or you will look like *kitten*"), even though that, too, seems to be changing.

But I wouldn't want these guys to be less confident, you know. What I would want is for more women to be more confident. Equity should go upwards, not downwards. If they are in *kitten* love with themselves, good for them.

If they are confident hitting on women that society perceives our "our of their league", why should they not? Maybe they'll get repeatedly rejected and lose the entitlement. Maybe they'll be become bitter lonely misogynistic jerks that people will distance themselves from; too bad. Maybe they'll just meet this one person that will want them back as furiously, and see them as a perfect ten according to her own very personal criteria, and jaws will drop. Maybe -hopefully- they'll change their own criteria eventually, and realize there are things that matter more than looks.

Whatever. I don't like the idea of people belonging to conceptual "castes" and choosing partners from the same "caste". What are we, 15th century feudal Indonesia?

Hmmm. You missed my point by 267 miles. I was dissing the concept of "leagues" that someone brought up in some post above, I was not asking what "league" you are. I was saying that people should be interested in whomever they are interested in, and not feel obliged to look for people of a similar social status or whatnot.

As for Germany... I was raised in Luxembourg, and indeed, people tend to be less friendly and open and sociable in these countries than, let's say, Greece or Italy. You are right about that!

But seriously, if there is anything all of us agreed on, it's that if you seem to be urgently looking for company/ desperate/ eager/ needy/ lonely, people will not be easily drawn to you. So stop thinking about how to get a girlfriend and start thinking about how to be a better version of you. Learn how to be confident and happy and self-sufficient and to live your life well while alone, and everything will be better, including your love life.

I wish you well, you are a cool guy.

HardcoreP0rk

Go alone and sit at the bar and have dinner and a drink. Make it sometime around happy hour or just during rush hour. Make it near a major business center, where people are getting off work in droves. That's when you'll meet people in town on business, also dining alone at the bar. Or just nice people having a drink after work. Unlike the late night scene, its more casual and people are willing to take the time and talk.

Slacker16

You know what I find funny about the "friendzone debate" : how it's always someone else's fault.

A and B meet, A is attracted to B but B only likes A in a platonic manner. The situation turns into a drawn-out, hurtful, friendzone-type situation because:

- A is either too clueless to see how B feels or too spineless to either walk away or confront B about it
- B is either too clueless to see how A feels or too spineless to either walk away or confront A about it

Basically, either of them could have defused the situation at any time, but both will place the blame on the other one.

missiontofitness

Another tip for the OP: never go on RedPill on Reddit for dating advice. Never ever ever.

Iknewyouweretrouble

eraser51 wrote: »

Hey!

Would love to get some advice.....

I tried a couple of times to pick up girls per online dating (30-40 dates) and it also worked couple of times (3-5). Had some short relationships and ONS but it hardly ever lasted and also werent that much

I read A LOT of books on flirting and similiar subjects but have no idea what to do really. I dont really buy in that PUA stuff.. but especially the "daygame" , at least so to say, is what I really lack despite being on campus right now... I am just shy somehow and dont know how I get over it...

do you guys have some serious advice?

I asked a couple of Friends (female) and ex-GF for advice but usually get.. "time isnt right" ...."just be yourself"..... "you will find her".. and stuff like that



Also thought about trying NoFap to lessen social anxiety of girls a bit; but am I not objectifing the girls even more because I know its only possible to get sex with the girls?
Do they like to be looked at (sexually)?




What do girls care for (first)?
Looks? Sympathy? Weight? Stature?

How do you girls give hints to the guy?
Just eye contact? or something else?


Should I approach in the supermarket/studio/on their regular schedule?
What if they dont see me/notice me? Do they feel overwhelmed`? Insecure? Suprised?

I would build your female friend base more to try to get comfortable talking to girls/social anxiety.
In terms of dating, the fact that you care about objectifying girls, wonder if they want sympathy, consider how they're feeling, and consider yourself shy show that you have an interesting set of values and perspective on the world. I would look for women with similar values, women who perhaps are more conservative who are looking for those things you possess. those girls will not friend zone you because they... see your natural qualities and raise you sex. good luck.

slideaway1

missiontofitness wrote: »

Another tip for the OP: never go on RedPill on Reddit for dating advice. Never ever ever.

That comment is what woman want you to believe. It suits their agenda.

lookin4gains

MikaMojito wrote: »

lookin4gains wrote: »

I see a lot of women here hating on the word friend zone. The OP said he met girls on a dating site and they put him in the zone. Instead of just being honest and saying ya know I really don't think we are compatible or something of that nature, they just continue to respond and act nice. Lol. Almost every girl has done that in some way or another. And the women know damn well the dude is interested. But it makes them feel good about themselves, so a lot of women keep them around for a confidence booster. Some dudes just can't see past the sweetness and still have hope and would bend over backwards for the girl. If you do get put in the zone and can see the signals. Just keep hanging out with her till you meet some of her cute friends. Then ask them out.

Has it crossed your mind that women online don't just "act nice"? When I was still looking for a bf online, I replied to everybody's message as long as it was grammatically correct and at least a little interesting. Lots of interesting conversations started with that and I built a connection to some of these guys but not necessarily with some sort of spark. Now, you assume that if a guy messages a girl online, it MUST be because he wants sex. Has it crossed your mind that guys might be OK with meeting women who end up being friends?

I'm all in favour of honesty. If a guy asks me out and I definitely know I'm not interested, I'll tell him just that but if he just keeps messaging about topics I'm interested in talking about, why should I assume he wants sex? Why isn't it equally possible that he is interested in me as a friend?

There are a few guys I met online who got pretty upset when I met my boyfriend and they stopped talking to me, also because they felt they didn't have time to nurture a friendship when a relationship is what they were looking for. That's perfectly understandable. But there are also guys I met in this way who know I am not single and we still keep chatting because we LIKE each other without wanting to get into each other's pants.

Has it ever crossed your mind that a friend zone could be a guy wanting to be in a relationship with a woman instead of automatically assuming sex. Something that about 5 responses I've gotten on my post assumed. No where in that post did I mention anything about getting denied sex.

And I'll say this again since there are soo many assumptions. I've seen women do this and openly admit they keep soft men around to see how far they can get the guys to do *kitten* and laugh about it at work. Now granted, I work with women soldiers. Most are somewhat emotionally detached because of war, etc. Like I said in the previous post. It does happen. Now you may not see it like I do. And that's great. But there is a world outside YOUR experiences on your dating site. But I appreciate your response.

acbassman33

Well, I don't know anything about a "friend zone", but from my experience if your friends with someone and you develop feelings for them you should be honest, if it ruins your friendship then was she or he really your friend? Something I have noticed within the past few months is that when I weighed 310lbs at 5'9" attention from the opposite sex was non-existent, but I don't blame women for that, I blame my lack of confidence and the inability to take care of myself or care about myself image.

Now move forward 6 months, I'm 239, weight lifter, runner and becoming more fit then most of my friends and everything has begun to change. I went from being a "ghost in the room" to "what is so different about him". I truly believe all this has taken place because I now have found away to love myself and I believe what feelings you put out in life you get right back. Now a little off topic and could use some advice myself.... why would a women I work with constantly blankly stare at me from across the room, but won't start a conversation with me and avoid me, but if I talk to her, she seems so open.

Northernlight03

It will happen when you least expect it!!! You will find the one it just takes time

slideaway1

I was once cornered into "the Friend zone" from all angles with little to know chance of escape. I shagged my out of it and never looked back. True Story. X

Northernlight03

acbassman33 wrote: »

Well, I don't know anything about a "friend zone", but from my experience if your friends with someone and you develop feelings for them you should be honest, if it ruins your friendship then was she or he really your friend? Something I have noticed within the past few months is that when I weighed 310lbs at 5'9" attention from the opposite sex was non-existent, but I don't blame women for that, I blame my lack of confidence and the inability to take care of myself or care about myself image.

Now move forward 6 months, I'm 239, weight lifter, runner and becoming more fit then most of my friends and everything has begun to change. I went from being a "ghost in the room" to "what is so different about him". I truly believe all this has taken place because I now have found away to love myself and I believe what feelings you put out in life you get right back. Now a little off topic and could use some advice myself.... why would a women I work with constantly blankly stare at me from across the room, but won't start a conversation with me and avoid me, but if I talk to her, she seems so open.

Maybe she's shy and nervous

slideaway1

newmeadow wrote: »

acbassman33 wrote: »

why would a women I work with constantly blankly stare at me from across the room, but won't start a conversation with me and avoid me, but if I talk to her, she seems so open.

Because you're a man and she's a woman.

Traditionally, women have not been expected to chase men around. They have not been expected to physically approach men and initiate conversations with men they're interested in. They give nonverbal cues. Men respond to these if they feel like it.

She seems open because she's interested. She's interested in you taking the lead.

Yeah, I hate it when woman stare at me. They make my blood boil and I feel self conscious. Sometimes I'll even put my trousers back on out of pure shame and embarrassment.

Northernlight03

Hahahaha

slideaway1

newmeadow wrote: »

slideaway1 wrote: »

newmeadow wrote: »

acbassman33 wrote: »

why would a women I work with constantly blankly stare at me from across the room, but won't start a conversation with me and avoid me, but if I talk to her, she seems so open.

Because you're a man and she's a woman.

Traditionally, women have not been expected to chase men around. They have not been expected to physically approach men and initiate conversations with men they're interested in. They give nonverbal cues. Men respond to these if they feel like it.

She seems open because she's interested. She's interested in you taking the lead.

Yeah, I hate it when woman stare at me. They make my blood boil and I feel self conscious. Sometimes I'll even put my trousers back on out of pure shame and embarrassment.

Just try to keep it between friends

Solid advice

Northernlight03

And I wondered who that strange man was with no pants on today lol

slideaway1

joanne882015 wrote: »

And I wondered who that strange man was with no pants on today lol

You probably didn't recognise me with my clothes on.

smantha32

lookin4gains wrote: »

I see a lot of women here hating on the word friend zone. The OP said he met girls on a dating site and they put him in the zone. Instead of just being honest and saying ya know I really don't think we are compatible or something of that nature, they just continue to respond and act nice. Lol. Almost every girl has done that in some way or another. And the women know damn well the dude is interested. But it makes them feel good about themselves, so a lot of women keep them around for a confidence booster. Some dudes just can't see past the sweetness and still have hope and would bend over backwards for the girl. If you do get put in the zone and can see the signals. Just keep hanging out with her till you meet some of her cute friends. Then ask them out.

Oh please. So it's her fault if she's not interested and he sticks around anyway? Obviously he knows she's not interested but he chooses to believe if he sticks around and does nice things for her something's going to change. So is she supposed to treat him like crap until he decides it's not worth it?
Listen to what you're saying here. It's really messed up.

MikaMojito

eraser51 wrote: »

@mikamojito
funny.. are you talking about me (also south germany^^)? exactly my problem here in germany.. maybe the dating here is just "colder".. I mean whistle in france -> a girl she smiles. Do the same in germany you're a creep
maybe germans arent used to flirt?

In my opinion, whistling is for when you're calling your dog. I certainly don't smile when strangers whistle when I walk past. I love flirting but whistling isn't flirting, commenting on my boobs or backside isn't flirting, touching me without asking first isn't flirting... If you want to flirt, approach the woman (unless she looks like she doesn't want to be spoken to) and say something polite and nice. Yes, that can be about the woman's looks but make it "Hey, your shirt really suits you" rather than "woah, nice tits".

If she's not interested she'll be short with you or ignore you.

I've met interesting people online, through university, work, political party meetings, volunteering etc. I've never really met anybody partying etc. So my advice is to get out, do things you're interested in and you'll meet people who share your interests. And sooner or later, somebody will get interested unless you act like a creep.