WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR NOVEMBER 2016
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Allie – YES! DO WHAT HEATHER SAID, ‘Call a Women’s Abuse Hotline’, they can give you a lot of good information and even names of lawyers that will do Pro Bono [free] work. We worked very closely with the local shelter, which is in a ‘secret location’; and, all the things they do to help prevent an abuser to getting to his woman and their children. Tom might not ever lay a hand on you; but, his hand is holding you DOWN; and, he is free as a bird to do whatever it is that he wants to do. Do you go with him to Florida? Or is that something that he does not want you to do? He seems to want to control everything you do and where you go. That’s not right in my book; but, I am married to a man who lets me do things he does not have much interest in, and, I don’t mind him going ‘hunting’ or even out to Louisiana with our DOS to visit with our DYS and hunt for a week. Would not be any fun for me to go, I went once when DOS had started a ‘new’ job … I read a lot; but, I also had a lot of ‘good food’ brought home to me during the middle of the day. I might be ‘alone’; but, I am rarely ever ‘lonely’.
Well, I guess it is good that FL is a ‘community property’ state; if you and nobody else is ‘on the deed’. But, I would strongly suggest making Wills … it is more for ‘saving money’ than anything else. Of course, a separation (could) and/or divorce would make it 'null and void'. DH and I have the ‘basic’ “I Love You” mirror Wills. Everything left to the other, then to our sons, share-and-share alike … they can figure that one out, we’ll be DEAD and won’t care. Will only require the drawing up of a couple of Deeds to get property into their individual names.
DH is sitting in his seat popping bubble wrap. It’s fun to do, but, sooooooo irritating when someone else is doing it; thankfully, it is a small piece. He can have this moment of going back to his childhood … no wait, they did not have bubble wrap that far back, they wrapped everything I a LOT of newspapers. He’s having a ‘ball’ … I am just tuning him out. La-La-La-La-La-La-La …
DDnL#1 came over this afternoon to ‘talk’ to/with both of us. She is on the verge of a meltdown. Thankfully, DH was here and he did most of the talking. She is supposed to be calling her MD and talking to her tomorrow and finding out what she needs to do or who she needs to go to. I did tell her to NOT allow her to send her to one particular MD in town. She’s a real QUACK; and, I took her before the Composite State Board of Medical Examiners. Showed her … she ‘thought’ that someone with a ‘mental illness’ had to be STUPID. NOT SO. But, I do hope and pray that my DDnL#1 will get the help that she needs and ‘if’ it means she needs to take medication for the rest of her life to do it, I hope she will comply.
I don’t know if there is ever going to a ‘good’ time to start a discussion with Tom, who isn’t willing to listen to you, especially about finances – even more so if he has been the one keeping all of them and giving you a pittance of an allowance. Maybe he thinks he is keeping you from being ‘worried’. Some men think that, you know. You just have to ‘jump in’ and do it. I think DH telling DOS to tell DDnL#1 ‘not’ to drive on the grass by the driveway; but, to drive ‘on’ the driveway itself, might have instigated her trip over here to talk to us. DOS had told her ‘not to come over because it would probably only make matters worse’. He took DYGD## hunting and here she came. I am glad that she did come … even gladder that DH was here when she came. It probably would have ‘not’ been better if she had tried talking to me alone, while in tears. She’s pulled too many ‘I’m the victim’ situations so that now, I am pretty wary of her coming over by herself, especially if she comes over 'trying to help' when I have not asked for any. He was very direct; but, very ‘gentle’ at the same time. By the time she left here, she was no longer so close to tears ‘that if you had said “Boo” she would have let a waterfall flow’.
Back to the “Tom” discussion … so you go to New England, and he goes to Florida (without you?) or am I totally turned around. What is the basis of your marriage to one another? Did he marry you to be his ‘maid’? Did you marry because you fell in love with him? Was he 'in love with you at that point' or has he never been able to 'love someone'. What kind of relationships has he had (either before you or with you children, whether together as biological' or what? You mentioned a son-in-law ... so there has to be a 'daughter' somewhere, ... is she your child, y'all child? Are there children/grandchildren involved? Damn, girl, you deserve more than that. You can be ‘alone’ and ‘not be lonely’; and, it is also possible to be ‘in a crowded room’ and be ‘extremely lonely’. I think the 2 of you will HAVE to sit down and discuss what ‘living comfortable’ means to each of you. I think I would go talk to a divorce attorney; in most places they will sit down and give you some ‘free’ advice the first visit. At least the ones where I have always worked would. Sounds like you get the ‘ice and snow’ and he wants the ‘sun and fun’.
I also agree with Charleen – I’d not be waiting for him to make the decision about what HE wants to do. There’s more going on than he is letting on, and it sounds like he is living in two different worlds. IMHO. Not that it is any of my business. We just want you to be protective of yourself and what you have ‘also’ put into this ‘relationship’. You, at least, deserve to come out on the other end of the tunnel with what you brought into it and then some. You’ve always ‘been there’, either by choice or under the circumstances that Tom has dictated. Now, you need to do what is BEST for you. Even ‘if’ it means you have to start over.
And, yes, I am ‘quite opinionated’, especially about things like this. You ‘don’t kick the cat because you are mad at the dog’. You don’t hold someone down just because they let you. Don’t let him. Learn how to say, “NO!” and mean it. “NO” is a very powerful word and it does NOT need any ‘explanation’. What part of “NO” don’t you understand, Tom? I’m going to try to PM you, if I can’t get through, then I will send you a friend request,
Charleen – Looks like the penguin works for the NCIS! LOL!
Cheri – I love emojis; but, I am not so sure that I can follow instructions that well at this point in my life. I have some really bad ‘short-term memory loss issues’. I do good to be able to handle it when MFP decides to ‘stop responding’ on me. Which it is doing almost EVERY time I get on here. Something is screwy and I don’t know what. Not taking me back to my last post; and, then it is breaking up when I try to go back a page (or even forward, if I am at the bottom). Whoever decided to change it to only go to the last page doesn’t have a freaking clue what it is like to do that on a thread this large. I’m going to try to find out from MFP what’s going on insofar as my end goes. I’ve never had anything frustrate me like this.
Becca and Heather – It looks like someone has already been nibbling on 'sweet Bea’s little pug nose'.
Gloria – Working for an attorney nearly all my adult work-life we came in contact with several divorce clients who were ‘filing’ because of (mostly) physical abuse. They would go back-and-forth … whenever dear hubby would ‘cry and promise not to ever mistreat them again or other promises’. They rarely admitted that they were abusive; they’d puff up and swear they were providing their wives with everything. A nice house, a car, not having to work, and a lot of times 3 or more little children. She never got a break from anything. But, they would always say, “I love him, he needs me, the children need him, I have no education, and (especially with the ones that were physically abused) … we’d tell them (after showing them the pictures we had taken the first time they came to the office) that the ‘next’ time might be the ‘last time’. Spending time in a Battered Women’s Shelter, quite often was the push they needed to get out of the situation. They help with the kiddos, they get them to and from school, they have activities, they help with their homework, they do educational programs to help women learn how to ‘live on their own’. They are invaluable to most communities.
When they came to our office to file divorce papers; the police would come and take them to the shelter (which was in an undisclosed location) so that they would NOT be home whenever the man got served with papers; and these types of divorce papers were prepared and walked through getting the temporary order signed, filed with Clerk, and taken to the Sheriff for serving - usually the very day. The police would take them ‘home’ if they needed to have this done so they could get their belongings. We had one whose daughter was being abused, and during the temporary hearing she kept darting her eyes, not answering his direct questions. My boss looked at her, turned around and then stood between her and her father so that he could not intimate her. The oldest child had moved out, the girl wanted to move out; but, couldn’t do so legally unless her mother did, the 2 younger children grew up to be abusive themselves. I have never felt so sorry for someone in my life as I did for them.
Then, they found out that she was ‘calling him’ … trying to work things out (according to her). DFACS got involved for the sake of the children. It was a mess and a half. They told her the next time, when she showed up at their doorstep, that she could NOT stay there any longer. They’d make arrangements for her in another town in the surrounding area; but, it would put the women and children that were staying there into a very dangerous position. She actually went back to the man and they moved away. All the children are now adults with children of their own, still living in this area. Unfortunately, the ‘cycle’ continues for some of them. The oldest son, is a mirror image of his Dad.
I have never been in an abusive relationship long-term. Only time I came ‘close’ was with a boy I dated the summer after I graduated from HS. I was 18, he was 17; we went shooting his Dad’s pistol; and still had a few rounds; when he wanted me to go buy some more ammunition. I told him, ‘no’; and, he pointed that damn thing at me. We were out in the boonies; my parents did not even ‘know’ where we had gone. Well, that September I went off to school and my 3 roommates and I lived in a gated apartment complex. He followed me to school, then to work one day, and walked into the deli where I worked. I must have had the ‘deer in the headlights’ look when I asked my boss to take over at the cash register; my boss was on him in 2 seconds. Told him that we’d had a restraining order taken out on him and he was going to call the police if he did NOT leave me alone. Scared him; but, unfortunately, that is just a piece of paper – not very restraining and doesn’t provide protection.
But, apparently, that is all it took to scare him off. I swore after that, that the ‘first’ inkling that someone was going to be jealous or abusive … I was ‘gone’. DH has never been the least bit abusive or jealous. When both boys reached the age of about 15; they got surly with one or the other of us; and, found themselves lifted off the floor against the pantry door by their 5’5’ Daddy by their chins. He never laid a hand on them before or since. But, they never acted out like that either.
He brought them up knowing how to treat women. I brought them up knowing how women are and what they needed to do in certain situations. My boys were exposed to a lot of things growing up; but, abuse of any kind was never one of them.
Lenora0 -
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Getting organized for tomorrow's 8am start to work. I don't usually get up until 7:30 and will now need to be up by 6 to get myself and DGS#2 out the door and to daycare by 7:15. Clothes are picked out, deciding on what to take for lunch and snacks, coffee cup and water cup ready, tea bags packed, legal dictionary ready, box of kleenex. The great thing about going back to the AG's office is I start back at the salary grade I left at, and benefits such as vacation and sick leave days stay as they were which I think was 3 wks vacation. I have a few medical procedures that are scheduled for December that I am going to reschedule to January so I will have my medicare and the insurance from work.
I've got a chicken in the oven roasting so dinner is planned for tomorrow night. If tonight is like every other time I've started a new job I won't get much sleep.
Lenora - I'm glad to hear that DDnL#1 is seeking help and that she came to you and DH. Maybe all that praying and saying "she has a good heart" is paying off!
Gotta run to the store real quick so I'm out until tomorrow night. Have a great Monday everyone!
Gloria in WA
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Kate UK1 -
No exercise yesterday, so I went well over calories. Well there was a walk to the park, but .........
I did sleep, even though I'd slept nearly all afternoon. I must be getting old!
Got to get up and exercised and tidied up so we are out of the house for the viewing. Here's hoping!
Will do alcohol free today and catch up a few calories. The only day I have company is Friday when my brother and his wife are coming for lunch. I am cooking instead of us going out. I'm doing Lamb Shanks, which is the dish they always order at the pub. I will cook them the day before. Will get cheese, stinky of course.
Don't know about the rest, probably a seafood starter that is in the freezer. My brother is diabetic 2, but he is terrible at sticking to a diet.
Love Heather UK xxxxxxx2 -
glo so happy to hear that your job already has good benefits and don't have to wait for them to kick in. You sound ready, ready, ready, with food prep, clothes and kids all organized--YOU ARE SUPER WOMAN--
now be sure to be kind and take it easy on yourself, slow and steady, this is gonna be an adjustment for everybody, don't try to do it all yourself, your wonderful grandkids are gonna pick up the slack at home make sure
DOS reached out by phone, not just to hyperventilate, but to thank me for all the leftover food I packed for her from t-day but also just to chat. This was very good, a real conversation! I was pleased to see her stretching herself, her world
Is incredibly isolated because of her emotional and physical disabilities, just shows it doesn't matter what age you are, you can take chances, you can reach out and do things differently a little at a time. I am proud of her, little steps are big steps!!!
Have a great start to the week everyone, be good to yourselves NYKAREN1 -
The viewers are NOT coming. :sad: She is still not feeling well. Will be rescheduled for sometime. As before we had got up extra early and had been tidying up etc. I was on the elliptical when the call came.
Sooooooo happy for you, Gloria. Hope it all goes well and you get lots of cooperation from the boys. :flowerforyou:
Going to do a tiny bit of memoir this morning.
Much love, Heather UK
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Morning, all... slept for nearly 7 hours last night, it was so nice to be back in our own space. This week is the last Monday that I'll have to work, then I'll be at the paper just on Tuesdays and Fridays. It might not be good for our budget, but it sure will be good for my soul...
Speaking of good for your soul - here's the listing for one of the top candidates right now... http://www.landwatch.com/Baxter-County-Arkansas-Land-for-sale/pid/4343365. Trying not to get our hopes up about anything, as we still have time.
Love y'all!
Lisa, in West Texas, but dreaming of a little farm in Arkansas2 -
Good Morning all~
I had a very fitful sleep, gee I wonder why..
Grits~backstory met Tom online, I was still married to Rich ,but had moved out and started the divorce process,yes I went from the frying pan into the fire.. he was married and his ex and I are dear dear friends.. she divorced him because back then he was drinking alot.. she had 4 adult children and a year old daughter when they married, so he helped raise Jillian.. from what I hear she was a spoiled rotten brat, and at 32 yrs old sorta still is, it is all about Jillian,,, she has 3 children 2 older ones we consider our grandaughters .. Tom and I were fine for a long time,but the older he got the worse he got..he is very unhappy with his work and trying to make it another year and a 1/2 to retire.. he is a non stop person, doesnt sit still even when he has time to.
a year and a 1/2 ago something snapped and it was while we were doing the reno on kitchen and bathroom, he doesnt love me anymore. and that is that..
he has 6 weeks vacation and this year he has been down 3 times I only get 2 weeks vacation and I use it to go down there.. I love it down there lots of birds, and I have made alot of friends in the park..yes the house here in Connecticut is worth more than the one down there.. but I would never be able to afford the mortgage..
yes I will speak with someone, and I have family and friends who love me and will be there for me when needed1 -
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Gloria ~ Wishing you a wonderful first day at work. Being familiar with the office and retaining your previous salary and benefits is great! I could not even imagine going back to work at my age. You are much admired by all of us.
Lisa ~ That looks like a very promising place and the price looks very good.
DH left in the wee hours to take his BnL to the hospital for a hip replacement. BnL has lived alone for the last 40 yrs after his wife (my DH's sister passed). This is his second hip and for some reason he thinks he will be sent home today. I hope they decided to keep him for a couple of days.
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I feel for you Allie. You can call or pm me anytime. We can meet and just vent. I'm in a similar situation. Went f I'm a verbal/ physical abuse to another verbal/leechy relationship. I need out, know it is all up to me but feel guilty about where it would leave DH who is very needy and depressed.
Rita1 -
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Allie if you have property in two states without a trust your estate could go into probate in two states. The important thing to do now is make sure if something happens to Tom that it is set up that you inherit without it going through probate. He has already put you through a finicial ringer. Enough is enough. No reason to add to it. Has he been screened for Alzheimer's. It can change a person's personality. I know with my mother-in-law my father-in-law noticed changes ten years before it became really noticeable to others.
My mom had her affairs set up in a trust and I have already received my inheritance and she died Oct. 21st. I do not think that would have happened if she had only had a will.
(((Alison))) Margaret 2 -
Heather: You are nearly done with Christmas shopping and I haven't even begun. I am impressed and starting to realize that I'd better get busy.
Charleen: I LOVE the penguins! Thanks for putting a smile into my morning.
Allison: (((HUGS)))
Barbie: It is great to see the excellent progress you are making recovering from surgery. WTG!!! :bigsmile:
I'm in the process of doing laundry from our trip and have stained a favorite over shirt. It is back into the wash by itself for round two. I hope I don't end up needing to replace it. I'm optimistic. I'm planning to make chicken soup today. Since Thanksgiving was at DSIL's home, she will get all the great turkey leftovers to make her soup. She deserves more than that for being the hostess with the mostess. We had a lovely time.
DH wanted to wait and travel today in order to avoid heavy traffic, but I wanted to be home and go to yoga. The traffic was never bad & am looking forward to yoga.
Katla in Beautiful NW Oregon
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” Thomas A. Edison
November Resolutions :
1. Log every bite and swallow.
2. Cardio exercise at least 3 days a week. Work on flexibility and back strength.
3. Have fun every day.
4. Drink at least three glasses of water daily, preferably more!
5. Monitor sleep. Try to average 7 or more hours of sleep nightly.
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Morning everyone. I'm enjoying a week of relaxation near Kerrville, TX. Doing hikes and walks and generally nothing. Very relaxing except for the wind. I used to live in windy country but have gotten used to life without wind the past 15 years and I forget what it's like to have it blowing all the time. The colors are beautiful, the sun in shining, the river is babbling and life is good today.
I only have two people left to get Christmas gifts for. The hardest two of the family. What to get someone who never shows ANY excitement, thanks, disgust, no emotion at all for a gift? We never know if what we get them is good or not as they just grunt "huh" and that's it. It isn't just our gifts, it's all gifts so I can't take it personally but sheesh it would be nice to know if it was appreciated or not....
Marcelyn
escaping Houston for the Hill country this week.
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Got this far.1
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Katla - This might not work, now that it has been washed before (especially if it has been dried in a dryer) - which tends to 'set' the stain. I can be terrible about having on a nice top and cooking something that splatters. When that happens, after I have combines as many 4-letter words I know - for being stupid; I pump out a little big of 'foaming hand soap' and also spray the area with something like Resolve or some other stain product, like Shout. And pat them into the shirt using my pointer finger. Pat it, don't rub it and immediately put it into a soak cycle on your washing machine. I've done this sometimes even after a couple of days of it just being in the dirty clothes basket. I try to check everything I am about to wash for stains. Usually it will cut the grease (also another thing, other than the 'foaming hand soap', that really works better is 'white or clear' DAWN. That is what they use to wash oil off ducks and other types of birds from an oil spill. Some people say put cold water on a stain; but, 'if' it is oil or grease, the water will not do anything other than to make the stain spread out0. Even if you are having to wear the top out somewhere you can put the foaming hand soap on it and it will dry in a few minutes and most of the time, it won't show. Any time you have a stain on your clothes, the quicker you treat it, the more likely you are to be able to get it out.
The only thing I cannot seem to get out of something I might wear is 'mustard'. That is almost impossible to get out. I'm sure there is something or some 'home remedy' to do it, I just have not found out what it is.
Do any of you know if it is better to soak dry beans overnight before cooking them in a crock pot?
Lenora1 -
Marcelyn would it be appropriate to offer a donation in those two hard to gift folks. This year we are donating to different organizations in their name for our older neices and nephews. One donation is going to the Wildlife foundation for her love of tigers! The other is going to girl scouts of America!
I will let you know how it goes, we all figure it's better than socks!
NYKAREN0 -
This week I am going out to buy 'gift certificates' for my children and grandchildren. I do have a 'few' items I give them for opening up; but, rather than go 'shopping' and trying to find something they will like, wear, or fit ... I do this. I don't expect for them to give us anything ... they need to spend that money on the girls. Last year my DYS and DDnL#2 gave me a framed portrait of them.
Our DOS and DDnL#1 struggle financially, so I do not really want them to feel obligated to give us anything. Usually her Mother will make dishrags that have the crotched ends that button over the handle of the stove. I love getting these. DDnL#1 can usually find a 'little something' she thinks is 'cute' that I probably would not go out and buy for myself. And I 'certainly' do NOT expect for my DOGD to buy us anything at all. Just having her home for the holidays and being able to spend time with her is enough.
Christmas has become so commercialize that I really hate it to be honest. I remember my Christmases as a child. We had a tree that my Mother ordered from A&P that touched the ceilings (11'). It had some really pretty hand painted ornaments and we'd hang tinsel on it. We'd wrap presents and when we were little we exchanged presents with friend; but, that stopped as we got older. One thing I remember that my Dad enjoyed was to find out the names of a family with children who would not otherwise have a Christmas if not for someone being benevolent.0 -
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Morning Ladies!
Wow! It seems like relationships are the topic of the week…..
Allie: Regardless of who you are with and regardless of what they are doing the first thing you need to do is learn how to love, appreciate, and value yourself. If you love, appreciate, and value yourself your footsteps will be ordered accordingly. Remember “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step – Confucius.” Concentrate on taking one step and the next step will be easier. Help is at hand here and out there - you just need to take a step. And remember you are not the first woman to find herself at this point.
Holiday Gatherings and Children and In and Out Laws: Someone mentioned that families are not the same as when we were young and grew up with a Mother and Father…..that is true. DH’s OGS welcomed me into the family as Granny Number Six. I could only crack-up laughing. Some of our children love spending time with us, some of them have decided not to spend time with us, some of them are just hit and miss. We issue general invitations if you want to come then do so. If you don’t want to come it’s ok. We treat our siblings the same way. We don’t particularly care for any of the official or unofficial spouses but we keep our opinions to ourselves. We have decided to do things because it pleases us to do so. Because we don’t want to this year we are not hosting the Christmas Day family gathering…next year we are not hosting the Thanksgiving family gathering. We are talking about going to the islands for the holiday!
Michele: I remember loving my first husband’s parents beyond reason and thinking what a wonderful family he had. They were so wonderful to our son. I always took their opinions to heart and included them in everything. A couple of years later I found out differently. I think children go through those changes where the grass is greener on the other side but they eventually come to realize where their real love comes from. Just hold on……
Tere in RVA
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My elder son has invited me to be his Friend on Facebook. I really hate Facebook and currently only have a very few Friends, but I didn't feel I could turn him down. (He is unemployed and recovering from severe depression ). So now I am treated to pics of his greyhounds and lots of geek talk. But it must be a compliment to be invited, right? :laugh:
DH's elder daughter has asked us to have a Sunday lunch in a pub half way between our houses. I'm not jumping with joy at the venue, but DH is really delighted to have a date fixed with her. I will do my best to enjoy it. It's important to him.
Yoga tomorrow. It's going to be a frosty morning, so plenty of car spraying in prospect. I wear rubber gloves over my leather ones to spray the windows.
Just had the most delicious Chicken, Spinach and Pea Curry. Enough left for my lunch tomorrow.
Love Heather UK xxxxxxx3 -
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