Guys/Girls: What is your real opinion on..
Replies
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KosmosKitten wrote: »Guys/girls: Opinion on usage of the words "I love you" in a relationship. How often is too often to say it? When does it lose meaning for you? Are you bothered by having a partner who says it more often/less often that you say it or feel it? Does its usage in a relationship ever annoy you?
I don't think it loses meaning as long as the sayer maintains the sentiment in their heart. For example: I tell my husband I love you, or love you, or love ya, etc, each time we part (like if I'm leaving the house, not just a room). I also do this with family and closest friends. It never loses depth of meaning for me because I'm not just saying it to be saying it, I truely mean it for what it is each and every time. I love those people. Overall he doesn't initiate saying I love you as much, but that's ok because I know he's more of a take the trash out and wash the dishes for you says I love you kinda man. The questions that have always stuck in my mind are, What if something happens to that person? What were the last words I spoke to them? That train of thought was reinforced recently. The wife of a couple we know dropped dead of a heart attack in the bathroom while the husband went to close the house up for the night. She was 38. You never know what words will be your last. Be kind to the ones you love and tell them as often as you can. 💜
I agree wholeheartedly!💝 It’s on my mind a lot lately as well. So, I let my people know I love them and give them a squeeze 🤗whenever I get a chance or just send a text too since we’re not allowed to hang out yet. Later may never come.1 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
I admit to being interested/titillated by the concept. So I suppose I'm starting off by declaring my hypocrisy when I say no, not for me, and generally unsuccessful by what I've observed - I do have friends who have experimented this way, and each is now divorced. Then again, most marriages are unsuccessful by any real standard, so does it truly matter how the failure comes? I'm not sure. A healthy percentage end in divorce, and many which hang together do so in various states of unhappy. My own is fortunately very good, but it's been a lot of effort, especially in the early years. The latter years have been filled with affection and joy and comfort, the kind that made the early years worth the effort, in hindsight. We are lucky, I am lucky, that we made it this far. My marriage would never have supported playtime with others, no matter how titillating the idea for me and how unburdening it might have been for my SO.
In my life experience, few people can separate sex from affection (or love), and that's one reason why it mostly doesn't work. Humans are largely emotionally driven creatures, hence why so much bad comes from mixing sex with others into what (usually) formed from a monogamous start. Changing the bargain along the way usually means bad outcomes where one partner isn't being heard or respected.
The lost thing in all of this is what becomes of our extra partners? They are often treated as throw aways, like sex toys or therapeutic outlets rather than humans. Or uglier yet, that the sex is payment enough somehow. You can read a bit of the emotional baggage in this thread, and there are many other sources that suggest the hit for these people is pretty bad once the fun is over.
A good percentage of men think this is a way to have their cake and eat it. The rude awakening is that most men aren't all that attractive and would be far better served doting on and working with the mate that they have been fortunate to catch.
My two pence.5 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
I admit to being interested/titillated by the concept. So I suppose I'm starting off by declaring my hypocrisy when I say no, not for me, and generally unsuccessful by what I've observed - I do have friends who have experimented this way, and each is now divorced. Then again, most marriages are unsuccessful by any real standard, so does it truly matter how the failure comes? I'm not sure. A healthy percentage end in divorce, and many which hang together do so in various states of unhappy. My own is fortunately very good, but it's been a lot of effort, especially in the early years. The latter years have been filled with affection and joy and comfort, the kind that made the early years worth the effort, in hindsight. We are lucky, I am lucky, that we made it this far. My marriage would never have supported playtime with others, no matter how titillating the idea for me and how unburdening it might have been for my SO.
In my life experience, few people can separate sex from affection (or love), and that's one reason why it mostly doesn't work. Humans are largely emotionally driven creatures, hence why so much bad comes from mixing sex with others into what (usually) formed from a monogamous start. Changing the bargain along the way usually means bad outcomes where one partner isn't being heard or respected.
The lost thing in all of this is what becomes of our extra partners? They are often treated as throw aways, like sex toys or therapeutic outlets rather than humans. Or uglier yet, that the sex is payment enough somehow. You can read a bit of the emotional baggage in this thread, and there are many other sources that suggest the hit for these people is pretty bad once the fun is over.
A good percentage of men think this is a way to have their cake and eat it. The rude awakening is that most men aren't all that attractive and would be far better served doting on and working with the mate that they have been fortunate to catch.
My two pence.
I have seen this be a difficulty.1 -
Meh. Idk what I want at this point in time. I actually brought up this open relationship subject in my own relationship days before it was brought up here. We’ve talked about it a few times actually. She’s not into it. I didn’t like being a third back in the day either and why would I do that to someone else? In theory everyone’s needs would be met. That’s in monogamy and non. Doesn’t seem to pan out in either scenario.
The quest for the ‘one true love’ seems out of reach. The quest for the perfect combo of well adjusted partners also seems unlikely. 😑 Idk I’m jaded obviously. Sometimes I wish we humans didn’t need others like we do. I’m tired of the mess.
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Which leads to the distinction between open and poly.
I would struggle with being in a poly relationship. The thought of the person I love having similar romantic/emotional feelings for someone else feels like a bigger threat to me than physical interaction.2 -
The thing that I find interesting about all this is more along the lines of what we need from our relationships.
Is it that love and companionship and whatever else you want to say makes up a "traditional" relationship, or is it also some degree of ownership/possession of that other person? Those of you who say you can't/won't share -- why not? Is there something about a relationship that can only be given if it's a 1:1 relationship.
I love the concept of this... but I suck at pretty much all types of relationships, so it's something I'm interested in only conceptually.3 -
Mr_Healthy_Habits wrote: »KosmosKitten wrote: »Guys/girls: Opinion on usage of the words "I love you" in a relationship. How often is too often to say it? When does it lose meaning for you? Are you bothered by having a partner who says it more often/less often that you say it or feel it? Does its usage in a relationship ever annoy you?
I'm not scared of these words or to say them honestly...
My boy actually went through this phase a few months back where he wouldn't say it to his mother or me... I think he might of got the impression that it was a girly thing to say 😂... Idk where he got that idea 😂...
I ended that pretty quickly by telling him that I wanted him to be the type of man that says I love you to everyone with no fear... He now says it regularly...
But I have several friends I say this to regularly...
I get some people may make it awkward... But I don't have time to care about all that anymore...
I ❤ you 😄0 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
I admit to being interested/titillated by the concept. So I suppose I'm starting off by declaring my hypocrisy when I say no, not for me, and generally unsuccessful by what I've observed - I do have friends who have experimented this way, and each is now divorced. Then again, most marriages are unsuccessful by any real standard, so does it truly matter how the failure comes? I'm not sure. A healthy percentage end in divorce, and many which hang together do so in various states of unhappy. My own is fortunately very good, but it's been a lot of effort, especially in the early years. The latter years have been filled with affection and joy and comfort, the kind that made the early years worth the effort, in hindsight. We are lucky, I am lucky, that we made it this far. My marriage would never have supported playtime with others, no matter how titillating the idea for me and how unburdening it might have been for my SO.
In my life experience, few people can separate sex from affection (or love), and that's one reason why it mostly doesn't work. Humans are largely emotionally driven creatures, hence why so much bad comes from mixing sex with others into what (usually) formed from a monogamous start. Changing the bargain along the way usually means bad outcomes where one partner isn't being heard or respected.
The lost thing in all of this is what becomes of our extra partners? They are often treated as throw aways, like sex toys or therapeutic outlets rather than humans. Or uglier yet, that the sex is payment enough somehow. You can read a bit of the emotional baggage in this thread, and there are many other sources that suggest the hit for these people is pretty bad once the fun is over.
A good percentage of men think this is a way to have their cake and eat it. The rude awakening is that most men aren't all that attractive and would be far better served doting on and working with the mate that they have been fortunate to catch.
My two pence.
Deserves quoting again 👍0 -
The thing that I find interesting about all this is more along the lines of what we need from our relationships.
Is it that love and companionship and whatever else you want to say makes up a "traditional" relationship, or is it also some degree of ownership/possession of that other person? Those of you who say you can't/won't share -- why not? Is there something about a relationship that can only be given if it's a 1:1 relationship.
I love the concept of this... but I suck at pretty much all types of relationships, so it's something I'm interested in only conceptually.
I think this is key for so many different things, not just relationships. People need to find out their core wants and needs. It’s hard in a world that is telling us what we need and how we should be. Definitely important when it comes to relationships though. Something I realized about myself is I’m a searcher. I’m curious by nature (enneagram 5 for those who care, probably 5w4) and so to have to deal with this and reflect on my personality and consider my actions in context of this.
In a hypothetical situation if someone has a desire for ownership, where’s that coming from? A desire for safety? Fear of abandonment? Definitely important to know yourself in and out of relationships.( And again, communicate! Informed and ongoing enthusiastic consent! )1 -
slimgirljo15 wrote: »Mr_Healthy_Habits wrote: »KosmosKitten wrote: »Guys/girls: Opinion on usage of the words "I love you" in a relationship. How often is too often to say it? When does it lose meaning for you? Are you bothered by having a partner who says it more often/less often that you say it or feel it? Does its usage in a relationship ever annoy you?
I'm not scared of these words or to say them honestly...
My boy actually went through this phase a few months back where he wouldn't say it to his mother or me... I think he might of got the impression that it was a girly thing to say 😂... Idk where he got that idea 😂...
I ended that pretty quickly by telling him that I wanted him to be the type of man that says I love you to everyone with no fear... He now says it regularly...
But I have several friends I say this to regularly...
I get some people may make it awkward... But I don't have time to care about all that anymore...
I ❤ you 😄
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KosmosKitten wrote: »Guys/girls: Opinion on usage of the words "I love you" in a relationship. How often is too often to say it? When does it lose meaning for you? Are you bothered by having a partner who says it more often/less often that you say it or feel it? Does its usage in a relationship ever annoy you?
The following is only my take on it which is only right for me.
It took me a very, very long time to say those words to my now wife. Now I say them "all the time". When we part ways, whether it be for the day or to run an errand, we almost always exchange a kiss (often just a peck) and I say I love you.
I never want her to have to assume that I love her. I want to continually try to show her though my actions (which include my words). I've seen too many unexpected things happen to people to not let her know how I feel. I would always would want my last interaction with her to be of me expressing how I feel about her. (very much like LanaeJ's post I think).
The only time I haven't appreciated those words was when their was a but after them....imho I love you shouldn't be the cushion/softener before the critique. The words really felt hollow in those circumstances.4 -
Non-monogamous relationships? Meh, too old for that stuff. One is enough.
But if it works for the people involved, then do what you can live with. Trouble is, I wonder if the same things people can live with in their honeymoon phases are the same things they can live with long-term? Does hurt and jealousy come into play later and what happens when it does? What about if children are involved; are you one big happy family or are the children royally confused and subject to bullies?
And saying I love you on repeat? I want it to mean something. I'd like to hear it more often and know I should say it more often but I also don't want it said just because. KWIM? The fact that I start his car every a.m. in the winter tells him I love him. The fact he ran to the store for B&J's the other night for me tells me he loves me. It's all those little things that pile up and tell me we still care about each other. Even at 67 and being married 41 years, there are still things between us that are hard to say, hard to decipher, and hard to understand. But we're trudging forward the best we can.1 -
Non-monogamous relationships? Meh, too old for that stuff. One is enough. But if it works for the people involved, then do what you can live with. Trouble is, I wonder if the same things people can live with in their honeymoon phases are the same things they can live with long-term? Does hurt and jealousy come into play later and what happens when it does? What about if children are involved; are you one big happy family or are the children royally confused and subject to bullies?
And saying I love you on repeat? I want it to mean something. I'd like to hear it more often and know I should say it more often but I also don't want it said just because. KWIM? The fact that I start his car every a.m. in the winter tells him I love him. The fact he ran to the store for B&J's the other night for me tells me he loves me. It's all those little things that pile up and tell me we still care about each other. Even at 67 and being married 41 years, there are still things between us that are hard to say, hard to decipher, and hard to understand. But we're trudging forward the best we can.
See? You get me. My partner doesn't have to say "I love you" every day. I would still know by the actions he takes. Waking up and dishes having been done without me having to remind him.. or waking up to the smell of biscuits or some other thing he took time to make when he didn't have to. That tells me what I need to know. He still says those words to me a lot more often than I do to him, but he knows that when I say them, I genuinely mean it. I am not a very touchy person (and he knows that, too). He often jokes that I am a lot like a cat; I want pets, but on my time and at my own pace.
And I know he doesn't mean it as an insult. However, I totally understand people who do need to hear it more often or would want to. I just accept I am not one of those people. I think it's a love language thing? Anyone remember that dumb book? Not everyone expresses their love or desire in the same way, but if two (or more) people are in a relationship, they have to communicate and/or figure out what the love language of both themselves and their partner(s) are.0 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »Non-monogamous relationships? Meh, too old for that stuff. One is enough. But if it works for the people involved, then do what you can live with. Trouble is, I wonder if the same things people can live with in their honeymoon phases are the same things they can live with long-term? Does hurt and jealousy come into play later and what happens when it does? What about if children are involved; are you one big happy family or are the children royally confused and subject to bullies?
And saying I love you on repeat? I want it to mean something. I'd like to hear it more often and know I should say it more often but I also don't want it said just because. KWIM? The fact that I start his car every a.m. in the winter tells him I love him. The fact he ran to the store for B&J's the other night for me tells me he loves me. It's all those little things that pile up and tell me we still care about each other. Even at 67 and being married 41 years, there are still things between us that are hard to say, hard to decipher, and hard to understand. But we're trudging forward the best we can.
See? You get me. My partner doesn't have to say "I love you" every day. I would still know by the actions he takes. Waking up and dishes having been done without me having to remind him.. or waking up to the smell of biscuits or some other thing he took time to make when he didn't have to. That tells me what I need to know. He still says those words to me a lot more often than I do to him, but he knows that when I say them, I genuinely mean it. I am not a very touchy person (and he knows that, too). He often jokes that I am a lot like a cat; I want pets, but on my time and at my own pace.
And I know he doesn't mean it as an insult. However, I totally understand people who do need to hear it more often or would want to. I just accept I am not one of those people. I think it's a love language thing? Anyone remember that dumb book? Not everyone expresses their love or desire in the same way, but if two (or more) people are in a relationship, they have to communicate and/or figure out what the love language of both themselves and their partner(s) are.
I remember that book😂. It had a lot of truths to it. Im also more of a shower and prefer someone to show then just say.1 -
PlentyofProtein00 wrote: »KosmosKitten wrote: »Non-monogamous relationships? Meh, too old for that stuff. One is enough. But if it works for the people involved, then do what you can live with. Trouble is, I wonder if the same things people can live with in their honeymoon phases are the same things they can live with long-term? Does hurt and jealousy come into play later and what happens when it does? What about if children are involved; are you one big happy family or are the children royally confused and subject to bullies?
And saying I love you on repeat? I want it to mean something. I'd like to hear it more often and know I should say it more often but I also don't want it said just because. KWIM? The fact that I start his car every a.m. in the winter tells him I love him. The fact he ran to the store for B&J's the other night for me tells me he loves me. It's all those little things that pile up and tell me we still care about each other. Even at 67 and being married 41 years, there are still things between us that are hard to say, hard to decipher, and hard to understand. But we're trudging forward the best we can.
See? You get me. My partner doesn't have to say "I love you" every day. I would still know by the actions he takes. Waking up and dishes having been done without me having to remind him.. or waking up to the smell of biscuits or some other thing he took time to make when he didn't have to. That tells me what I need to know. He still says those words to me a lot more often than I do to him, but he knows that when I say them, I genuinely mean it. I am not a very touchy person (and he knows that, too). He often jokes that I am a lot like a cat; I want pets, but on my time and at my own pace.
And I know he doesn't mean it as an insult. However, I totally understand people who do need to hear it more often or would want to. I just accept I am not one of those people. I think it's a love language thing? Anyone remember that dumb book? Not everyone expresses their love or desire in the same way, but if two (or more) people are in a relationship, they have to communicate and/or figure out what the love language of both themselves and their partner(s) are.
I remember that book😂. It had a lot of truths to it. Im also more of a shower and prefer someone to show then just say.
It did. I just hated how it was written. The writing style came across as condescending. BUT, I was much younger when that book was given to me as a newlywed. And I did actually read the entire thing.
The way to my heart is a great tasting meal I didn't have to cook. Bonus points if you cooked it yourself. Or a bottle of wine/bourbon. Won't ever turn those down. 1 -
The thing that I find interesting about all this is more along the lines of what we need from our relationships.
Is it that love and companionship and whatever else you want to say makes up a "traditional" relationship, or is it also some degree of ownership/possession of that other person? Those of you who say you can't/won't share -- why not? Is there something about a relationship that can only be given if it's a 1:1 relationship.
I love the concept of this... but I suck at pretty much all types of relationships, so it's something I'm interested in only conceptually.
Because of STDs.
Why would I want someone kissing on and dipping in other things then coming home to me. 🤮
And you can ( well I can) “feel” when someone is physically someone else’s. Like the way they kiss.
Like one of my first boyfriends used to cheat on me and then he would come back to me and his sexual vibe was all different like he was set up for her then had to adjust back to me- it’s just a weird vibe. I can’t explain it1 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
Read all the responses and was hoping for some follow up 'cuz I'm still really hung up on the "blindsided" part. Like, stuck @Kashmir_314_
Was this iteration not discussed during their courtship?
The lack of genuine communication that takes place in relationships that are meant to be deep and sustaining is worrying.0 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »Guys/girls: Opinion on usage of the words "I love you" in a relationship. How often is too often to say it? When does it lose meaning for you? Are you bothered by having a partner who says it more often/less often that you say it or feel it? Does its usage in a relationship ever annoy you?
Easy to say once it is appropriate (for either party...and that could mean different timing for different people).
I've said it in here before I think, but love is a verb to me. So it's more important to show it from the outset though.0 -
The thing that I find interesting about all this is more along the lines of what we need from our relationships.
Is it that love and companionship and whatever else you want to say makes up a "traditional" relationship, or is it also some degree of ownership/possession of that other person? Those of you who say you can't/won't share -- why not? Is there something about a relationship that can only be given if it's a 1:1 relationship.
I love the concept of this... but I suck at pretty much all types of relationships, so it's something I'm interested in only conceptually.
Because of STDs.
Why would I want someone kissing on and dipping in other things then coming home to me. 🤮
And you can ( well I can) “feel” when someone is physically someone else’s. Like the way they kiss.
Like one of my first boyfriends used to cheat on me and then he would come back to me and his sexual vibe was all different like he was set up for her then had to adjust back to me- it’s just a weird vibe. I can’t explain it
This.0 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
Read all the responses and was hoping for some follow up 'cuz I'm still really hung up on the "blindsided" part. Like, stuck @Kashmir_314_
Was this iteration not discussed during their courtship?
The lack of genuine communication that takes place in relationships that are meant to be deep and sustaining is worrying.
I would imagine a lot of people go into marriage with lofty ideals of what marriage would be. And further down the line one of them gets the idea of wanting to do this. I can see why it wouldn’t be discussed perhaps years to decades earlier as people change. Not saying people should or shouldn’t do it. Just saying I can see why it’s not discussed and how one could be blindsided.2 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
Read all the responses and was hoping for some follow up 'cuz I'm still really hung up on the "blindsided" part. Like, stuck @Kashmir_314_
Was this iteration not discussed during their courtship?
The lack of genuine communication that takes place in relationships that are meant to be deep and sustaining is worrying.
I would imagine a lot of people go into marriage with lofty ideals of what marriage would be. And further down the line one of them gets the idea of wanting to do this. I can see why it wouldn’t be discussed perhaps years to decades earlier as people change. Not saying people should or shouldn’t do it. Just saying I can see why it’s not discussed and how one could be blindsided.
Yes, agreed: people change and evolve. Yet this is why genuine communication - not only during courtship but throughout a relationship - is key. And some conversation topics may be gone over 18 times, 180 times, or more. I'm of the belief partners have to be "checked in" with one another or else someone "checks out."
The latter scenario may be the best option in some cases...maybe even this specific open relationship.
Still, I'd rather have made an attempt to proactively maintain a valued partnership with my loved one through two-way, honest, and mutually beneficial chats rather than attempting to salvage a wreck after being "blindsided."0 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
Read all the responses and was hoping for some follow up 'cuz I'm still really hung up on the "blindsided" part. Like, stuck @Kashmir_314_
Was this iteration not discussed during their courtship?
The lack of genuine communication that takes place in relationships that are meant to be deep and sustaining is worrying.
I would imagine a lot of people go into marriage with lofty ideals of what marriage would be. And further down the line one of them gets the idea of wanting to do this. I can see why it wouldn’t be discussed perhaps years to decades earlier as people change. Not saying people should or shouldn’t do it. Just saying I can see why it’s not discussed and how one could be blindsided.
Yes, agreed: people change and evolve. Yet this is why genuine communication - not only during courtship but throughout a relationship - is key. And some conversation topics may be gone over 18 times, 180 times, or more. I'm of the belief partners have to be "checked in" with one another or else someone "checks out."
The latter scenario may be the best option in some cases...maybe even this specific open relationship.
Still, I'd rather have made an attempt to proactively maintain a valued partnership with my loved one through two-way, honest, and mutually beneficial chats rather than attempting to salvage a wreck after being "blindsided."
100%. It’s definitely better to have a bunch of “small” conversations rather than this huge bombshell dropped all at once. In my mind the bombshell is dropped as a last ditch effort to say....”this isn’t working but I’m too scared to end it”......imo, from my perspective.1 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
Read all the responses and was hoping for some follow up 'cuz I'm still really hung up on the "blindsided" part. Like, stuck @Kashmir_314_
Was this iteration not discussed during their courtship?
The lack of genuine communication that takes place in relationships that are meant to be deep and sustaining is worrying.
There currently is no follow up to this.
From the few conversations I've had with her, the relationship has been in turmoil for quite some time now. I'm beginning to think this may have been said out of anger or frustration with the current state of their marriage, but I don't want to assume anything further.
I'll update if there's any further discussion regarding the matter.
This makes me wonder if she was really blindsided or if there had been mention of it previously and she didn't pick up on it.
Here's one that's related: Do you (general) feel like you really hear and comprehend what a partner is saying. To get their meaning or intent, instead of yours?
As a single lady of a certain age, I've started really paying attention to what is said to me and taking things in very literally. With that said, men of a certain age are still stuck in the "tell them what you have been told they want to hear" mindset so I automatically discount or dial back the meaning of anything positive or future building.1 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
Read all the responses and was hoping for some follow up 'cuz I'm still really hung up on the "blindsided" part. Like, stuck @Kashmir_314_
Was this iteration not discussed during their courtship?
The lack of genuine communication that takes place in relationships that are meant to be deep and sustaining is worrying.
There currently is no follow up to this.
From the few conversations I've had with her, the relationship has been in turmoil for quite some time now. I'm beginning to think this may have been said out of anger or frustration with the current state of their marriage, but I don't want to assume anything further.
I'll update if there's any further discussion regarding the matter.
This makes me wonder if she was really blindsided or if there had been mention of it previously and she didn't pick up on it.
Here's one that's related: Do you (general) feel like you really hear and comprehend what a partner is saying. To get their meaning or intent, instead of yours?
As a single lady of a certain age, I've started really paying attention to what is said to me and taking things in very literally. With that said, men of a certain age are still stuck in the "tell them what you have been told they want to hear" mindset so I automatically discount or dial back the meaning of anything positive or future building.
I have a (bad?) habit of interpreting what’s said to me rather than taking words literally. I think it’s probably smarter to ask for clarification or to just ride it out and let the actions clarify.1 -
"slessofme wrote: »
This makes me wonder if she was really blindsided or if there had been mention of it previously and she didn't pick up on it.
Here's one that's related: Do you (general) feel like you really hear and comprehend what a partner is saying. To get their meaning or intent, instead of yours?
As a single lady of a certain age, I've started really paying attention to what is said to me and taking things in very literally. With that said, men of a certain age are still stuck in the "tell them what you have been told they want to hear" mindset so I automatically discount or dial back the meaning of anything positive or future building.
I've been married for nearly 14 years at this point and while in the beginning, I would say I was very fiery and always interjecting meaning into my partner's words that weren't there, as I've gotten older, I've gotten better at really hearing what he's saying.
It helps to know that he really is pretty direct. What he says is exactly what he means. There are no hidden meanings, no subtle jibes or insults. However, due to previous relationships, upbringing, etc. it took awhile to "unlearn" my defensive behavior and to really hear him out.
The only time I find this difficult still is when we are discussing current events/politics, particularly if the issue revolves around abuse, rape, women's issues, etc. I still feel he has a long way to understanding where many women are coming from because it's not an experience he will ever have. And yes, I will probably always be defensive in this regard because of past trauma/issues. And that's not his fault. It's just something I must continue to work on.
Usually, in those cases though, I just directly ask him questions about his meaning. It usually resolves on its own once I open up that conversation. I can't say it's the same the other way around. I still feel like he barely hears what I'm saying most of the time. That could be me, though.
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Here's one that's related: Do you (general) feel like you really hear and comprehend what a partner is saying. To get their meaning or intent, instead of yours?
As a single lady of a certain age, I've started really paying attention to what is said to me and taking things in very literally. With that said, men of a certain age are still stuck in the "tell them what you have been told they want to hear" mindset so I automatically discount or dial back the meaning of anything positive or future building.
The SO not only tells me what he thinks I want to hear, he will withhold information if he thinks it would "upset" me, even when it directly concerns me and not him. Note that I am not a person who screams and yells and smashes crockery when "upset" so I'm not sure what possible motive could be behind this, other than control.
I am clear and direct. I say what I mean. He is the one who looks for the most negative hidden interpretation and throws it back at me as "what you really mean". It's infuriating (but still not worth smashing the crockery).
Needless to say, communication is not our strong suit.1 -
Dh and I don't communicate well either. Our styles are so very different. He feels the need to share his own experiences and compare them, or feels he has to offer advice. Sometimes I just want to hear 'I'm sorry, what can I do to help' that sort of thing. And being on the receiving end of his conversation....well conversation doesn't run deep from him. It's usually work, weather, politics. I'm sure he's got deeper thoughts in there but they don't make it to the outside very often. But then I guess mine don't either.
We don't seem to discuss things that matter. But when I volley back from his conversation it's usually with questions or just an oh ok type of reply because he's always over-shared the topic. 
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Just a PSA......some people think THIS
when you say THAT.4 -
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