Serious/heavy/deep/real stuff

1…5681011…30

Replies

  • slimgirljo15
    slimgirljo15 Posts: 269,456 Member
    MiNinaLisa wrote: »
    Reckoner69_lmao wrote: »
    sweet_ermengarde wrote: »
    _DisasterDoll_ wrote: »
    Mr_Healthy_Habits wrote: »
    I keep reading this thread as seriously deep heavy 🙊 stuff

    I keep reading it to my psychiatrist


    does she say dumb things like my therapist goin on about “are we discussing a real person or one of your apparitions?” 🙄

    My brain wizard was awesome, I miss her

    you are gone again :( and i miss you!

    Aww😔 hopefully he'll come back
  • slimgirljo15
    slimgirljo15 Posts: 269,456 Member
    KosmosKitten wrote: »
    So in regards to the original statement of this thread, the reason I don't often post anything "serious" is because my life is usually nothing but a serious drag. I am plagued by clinical depression and anxiety and this year has been particularly rough.

    I've dealt with two deaths earlier in the year directly related to COVID (so I don't want to hear any conspiracy theories about how it's "exaggerated" or "a hoax" because no, two people I know are DEAD as a direct result). If they hadn't gotten COVID, they would probably still be among the living as they had no underlying health conditions.

    A close relative was diagnosed with cancer in early summer. She's had a pretty good response to it all and takes it in stride, but chemotherapy is tough on anyone. They've minimized the spread enough that they should be able to operate and remove the remaining elements, but we'll have to see since that can't be scheduled until sometime in November (around Thanksgiving).

    Both of our cats that we had for 13 years (as long as I've been married) died within in a month of one another. It was hard enough to lose my "favorite", even worse when I had to put her brother down because I was watching his slow, arduous death in action otherwise. Essentially, he was starving himself and refusing to eat, drink or do much of anything. His kidneys failed just like his sister and pumping fluids into him might have given him a couple of weeks at best. I feel strongly every day that I still killed him. I know the decision we made was not made lightly and I know it was probably the best we could do for him since we couldn't cure his CRF or prolong his life outside of a week or two, but it still feels like I murdered him and I have tremendous guilt over it.

    The organization I volunteer for is struggling to get by. Even though I'm the person "in charge" of the unit, I can only operate when I have volunteers who are able to help and put together the events. Sadly, because of COVID, the fact that we run events for youth and the fact that school was all sorts of screwed up this year, the organization was dead in the water for many months. We hemorrhaged volunteers since no one wanted to continue working and had no recruitment opportunities or events in which to gain new volunteers or kids, so yeah.. the organization took a severe cut. We are financially fine, but I hate that we can't provide quality programming to the kids this year because of current guidelines as well as a serious lack of volunteers. I feel guilt over leaving them "high and dry" in November (they have to fill my position in order to recharter with our larger organization), but I am months away from an international move and will have no extra time to devote to the massive amounts of paperwork it takes to keep the organization afloat. I gave them advanced warning in July and not a SINGLE parent stepped up, despite my efforts to explain the gravity of the situation. I know they'll "get by" because I already put word in with the council that oversees all the smaller organizations in our area, but I hate that this once strong group is slowly dying from a lack of volunteers and a lack of parental involvement.

    So yeah, mostly my year so far has been full of anxiety, fear, depression and crippling inability to proceed. And this is why I rarely talk about it on here (or anywhere else). It's a lot to take in.

    Im sorry its been such a tough year for you.
    Sending you all the positive vibes I can 🙂
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
    slimgirljo15 wrote: »
    KosmosKitten wrote: »
    So in regards to the original statement of this thread, the reason I don't often post anything "serious" is because my life is usually nothing but a serious drag. I am plagued by clinical depression and anxiety and this year has been particularly rough.

    I've dealt with two deaths earlier in the year directly related to COVID (so I don't want to hear any conspiracy theories about how it's "exaggerated" or "a hoax" because no, two people I know are DEAD as a direct result). If they hadn't gotten COVID, they would probably still be among the living as they had no underlying health conditions.

    A close relative was diagnosed with cancer in early summer. She's had a pretty good response to it all and takes it in stride, but chemotherapy is tough on anyone. They've minimized the spread enough that they should be able to operate and remove the remaining elements, but we'll have to see since that can't be scheduled until sometime in November (around Thanksgiving).

    Both of our cats that we had for 13 years (as long as I've been married) died within in a month of one another. It was hard enough to lose my "favorite", even worse when I had to put her brother down because I was watching his slow, arduous death in action otherwise. Essentially, he was starving himself and refusing to eat, drink or do much of anything. His kidneys failed just like his sister and pumping fluids into him might have given him a couple of weeks at best. I feel strongly every day that I still killed him. I know the decision we made was not made lightly and I know it was probably the best we could do for him since we couldn't cure his CRF or prolong his life outside of a week or two, but it still feels like I murdered him and I have tremendous guilt over it.

    The organization I volunteer for is struggling to get by. Even though I'm the person "in charge" of the unit, I can only operate when I have volunteers who are able to help and put together the events. Sadly, because of COVID, the fact that we run events for youth and the fact that school was all sorts of screwed up this year, the organization was dead in the water for many months. We hemorrhaged volunteers since no one wanted to continue working and had no recruitment opportunities or events in which to gain new volunteers or kids, so yeah.. the organization took a severe cut. We are financially fine, but I hate that we can't provide quality programming to the kids this year because of current guidelines as well as a serious lack of volunteers. I feel guilt over leaving them "high and dry" in November (they have to fill my position in order to recharter with our larger organization), but I am months away from an international move and will have no extra time to devote to the massive amounts of paperwork it takes to keep the organization afloat. I gave them advanced warning in July and not a SINGLE parent stepped up, despite my efforts to explain the gravity of the situation. I know they'll "get by" because I already put word in with the council that oversees all the smaller organizations in our area, but I hate that this once strong group is slowly dying from a lack of volunteers and a lack of parental involvement.

    So yeah, mostly my year so far has been full of anxiety, fear, depression and crippling inability to proceed. And this is why I rarely talk about it on here (or anywhere else). It's a lot to take in.

    Im sorry its been such a tough year for you.
    Sending you all the positive vibes I can 🙂
    slimgirljo15 wrote: »
    KosmosKitten wrote: »
    So in regards to the original statement of this thread, the reason I don't often post anything "serious" is because my life is usually nothing but a serious drag. I am plagued by clinical depression and anxiety and this year has been particularly rough.

    I've dealt with two deaths earlier in the year directly related to COVID (so I don't want to hear any conspiracy theories about how it's "exaggerated" or "a hoax" because no, two people I know are DEAD as a direct result). If they hadn't gotten COVID, they would probably still be among the living as they had no underlying health conditions.

    A close relative was diagnosed with cancer in early summer. She's had a pretty good response to it all and takes it in stride, but chemotherapy is tough on anyone. They've minimized the spread enough that they should be able to operate and remove the remaining elements, but we'll have to see since that can't be scheduled until sometime in November (around Thanksgiving).

    Both of our cats that we had for 13 years (as long as I've been married) died within in a month of one another. It was hard enough to lose my "favorite", even worse when I had to put her brother down because I was watching his slow, arduous death in action otherwise. Essentially, he was starving himself and refusing to eat, drink or do much of anything. His kidneys failed just like his sister and pumping fluids into him might have given him a couple of weeks at best. I feel strongly every day that I still killed him. I know the decision we made was not made lightly and I know it was probably the best we could do for him since we couldn't cure his CRF or prolong his life outside of a week or two, but it still feels like I murdered him and I have tremendous guilt over it.

    The organization I volunteer for is struggling to get by. Even though I'm the person "in charge" of the unit, I can only operate when I have volunteers who are able to help and put together the events. Sadly, because of COVID, the fact that we run events for youth and the fact that school was all sorts of screwed up this year, the organization was dead in the water for many months. We hemorrhaged volunteers since no one wanted to continue working and had no recruitment opportunities or events in which to gain new volunteers or kids, so yeah.. the organization took a severe cut. We are financially fine, but I hate that we can't provide quality programming to the kids this year because of current guidelines as well as a serious lack of volunteers. I feel guilt over leaving them "high and dry" in November (they have to fill my position in order to recharter with our larger organization), but I am months away from an international move and will have no extra time to devote to the massive amounts of paperwork it takes to keep the organization afloat. I gave them advanced warning in July and not a SINGLE parent stepped up, despite my efforts to explain the gravity of the situation. I know they'll "get by" because I already put word in with the council that oversees all the smaller organizations in our area, but I hate that this once strong group is slowly dying from a lack of volunteers and a lack of parental involvement.

    So yeah, mostly my year so far has been full of anxiety, fear, depression and crippling inability to proceed. And this is why I rarely talk about it on here (or anywhere else). It's a lot to take in.

    Im sorry its been such a tough year for you.
    Sending you all the positive vibes I can 🙂

    Thanks. I am getting better (I think). You know, *gasp* growing as a person!

    It used to be that when things like this happened, I would wallow in depression and curse the universe for laying so much on me at once (like why do bad things always happen in clusters?). However, recently, I've really, REALLY been trying to remind myself that "things will be okay" and "everything will work out somehow in the end".

    I know I do that as a soothing technique because of the "fight or flight" response I get from having generalized anxiety disorder, but it also helps ground me and reminds me that all things pass, good and bad. So I just kinda keep trekkin' along until that happens.

    And definitely, some of the folks here help. Especially those I see posts from daily on my friends' list. Some of their words/actions/images are really, really inspiring.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    @MaltedTea Let nothing deter you now.
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,371 Member
    KosmosKitten wrote: »

    Both of our cats that we had for 13 years (as long as I've been married) died within in a month of one another. It was hard enough to lose my "favorite", even worse when I had to put her brother down because I was watching his slow, arduous death in action otherwise. Essentially, he was starving himself and refusing to eat, drink or do much of anything. His kidneys failed just like his sister and pumping fluids into him might have given him a couple of weeks at best. I feel strongly every day that I still killed him. I know the decision we made was not made lightly and I know it was probably the best we could do for him since we couldn't cure his CRF or prolong his life outside of a week or two, but it still feels like I murdered him and I have tremendous guilt over it.

    I'm sorry that you have had so much to cope with, on top of all the pandemic crap. <3

    Making the decision to euthanize a beloved pet is heartwrenching. On the flipside, I probably didn't make it as soon as I should have for two of my former dogs and have tremendous guilt that I may have prolonged their suffering for several days with my inability to come to terms with the inevitable. It's a tough call and I suspect we second-guess ourselves either way. One dog had a massive lung tumour so there's a whole pile of extra guilt from having been a smoker for most of his life and causing that. You did the right thing, and the kindest thing.
  • CacoEther
    CacoEther Posts: 2,465 Member
    @jjpptt2 wrote: »
    I think I project my own *kitten* on others way way WAAAAAY more than I realize, to the point where I almost feel like I'm in a house of mirrors and have no point of reference for what's legit and what are my own projections/assumptions.

    “I’m not projecting, YOU’RE projecting!”

    I feel your comment. Especially online I struggle with it
  • MaltedTea
    MaltedTea Posts: 6,286 Member
    CacoEther wrote: »
    @jjpptt2 wrote: »
    I think I project my own *kitten* on others way way WAAAAAY more than I realize, to the point where I almost feel like I'm in a house of mirrors and have no point of reference for what's legit and what are my own projections/assumptions.

    “I’m not projecting, YOU’RE projecting!”

    I feel your comment. Especially online I struggle with it

    You could ask, no? Maybe something like, "Is this a 'Me Thing,' a 'You Thing,' or an 'Everybody Thing?'"

    Most folks in one's circle - who are more than polite company - may offer something along the lines of a "Yea, bro; same!" because we're not all that different after all...it's just that our levels of vulnerability are set up different.
  • cowsfan12
    cowsfan12 Posts: 6,127 Member
    MaltedTea wrote: »
    CacoEther wrote: »
    @jjpptt2 wrote: »
    I think I project my own *kitten* on others way way WAAAAAY more than I realize, to the point where I almost feel like I'm in a house of mirrors and have no point of reference for what's legit and what are my own projections/assumptions.

    “I’m not projecting, YOU’RE projecting!”

    I feel your comment. Especially online I struggle with it

    You could ask, no? Maybe something like, "Is this a 'Me Thing,' a 'You Thing,' or an 'Everybody Thing?'"

    Most folks in one's circle - who are more than polite company - may offer something along the lines of a "Yea, bro; same!" because we're not all that different after all...it's just that our levels of vulnerability are set up different.

    I like your insight on things -

    d4reizwi2c7o.gif
  • jjpptt2
    jjpptt2 Posts: 5,650 Member
    edited October 2020
    MaltedTea wrote: »
    CacoEther wrote: »
    @jjpptt2 wrote: »
    I think I project my own *kitten* on others way way WAAAAAY more than I realize, to the point where I almost feel like I'm in a house of mirrors and have no point of reference for what's legit and what are my own projections/assumptions.

    “I’m not projecting, YOU’RE projecting!”

    I feel your comment. Especially online I struggle with it

    You could ask, no? Maybe something like, "Is this a 'Me Thing,' a 'You Thing,' or an 'Everybody Thing?'"

    Most folks in one's circle - who are more than polite company - may offer something along the lines of a "Yea, bro; same!" because we're not all that different after all...it's just that our levels of vulnerability are set up different.

    I don't really have a circle (I have little patience for people, and even less interest)... so I'm talking mostly about what I observe/hear/read... information, behaviors, motivations, trends, etc.
  • CacoEther
    CacoEther Posts: 2,465 Member
    ReenieHJ wrote: »
    Watching someone grieve just an inch at a time, not being given the opportunity of getting it fully out during a specified timeframe)whether that's a month, a week, a year), but each stage of physical/mental change brings more grief watching new decreases in ability to live, remember, enjoy life the way it used to be....all while trying to take care of someone. And take care of themselves too? That's something that just doesn't get done. And what's there to look forward to at the end of all of it?
    Nothing.

    I wish I had faith.

    Nothing more cruel than the Long Goodbye 💔
  • CacoEther
    CacoEther Posts: 2,465 Member
    KosmosKitten wrote: »
    CacoEther wrote: »
    ReenieHJ wrote: »
    Watching someone grieve just an inch at a time, not being given the opportunity of getting it fully out during a specified timeframe)whether that's a month, a week, a year), but each stage of physical/mental change brings more grief watching new decreases in ability to live, remember, enjoy life the way it used to be....all while trying to take care of someone. And take care of themselves too? That's something that just doesn't get done. And what's there to look forward to at the end of all of it?
    Nothing.

    I wish I had faith.

    Nothing more cruel than the Long Goodbye 💔

    True. I'm currently watching this happen with my grandmother. Her Alzheimer's is slowly progressing to the point where she can no longer remember us, thinks we're strangers all meant to harm her and she is starting to believe she is much younger than she is and that certain life events never happened (for her).

    I watched this happen already with my other grandmother a few years ago. It was slow, cruel and in the end? She became a person I never recognized and never thought existed. She was hateful, somewhat racist and just in general a completely different person. And when she left, I saw the hole left by her absence in both our extended family and in my dad's heart. The only "good" thing at the end was that it was over. But nothing was gained from her death outside of memories.

    That is crushing that you already watched it happen once and have to go through it again, I’m so sorry for you all
  • ElTriste1973
    ElTriste1973 Posts: 234 Member
    ReenieHJ wrote: »
    I'm not the praying type but do occasionally ask for special. :( Today is one of those days. My BIL is undergoing surgery this a.m. Their 54th anniversary is coming in 5 days. Please let them see the day, together, alive, awake, and at least partially smiling.
    My sister had no clue what decision would be the best. But then the surgeon told her if they did nothing, he probably wouldn't last the week. If they operate he'd be more comfortable; time is still no guarantee. But it wasn't anyways.

    Argh.

    I hope all goes well, it is very difficult I know from experience. Sending prayers and best wishes too.
  • slimgirljo15
    slimgirljo15 Posts: 269,456 Member
    ReenieHJ wrote: »
    I'm not the praying type but do occasionally ask for special. :( Today is one of those days. My BIL is undergoing surgery this a.m. Their 54th anniversary is coming in 5 days. Please let them see the day, together, alive, awake, and at least partially smiling.
    My sister had no clue what decision would be the best. But then the surgeon told her if they did nothing, he probably wouldn't last the week. If they operate he'd be more comfortable; time is still no guarantee. But it wasn't anyways.

    Argh.

    sending well wishes and positive thoughts that you get the outcome you would like.. 🙏
  • CacoEther
    CacoEther Posts: 2,465 Member
    ReenieHJ wrote: »
    I'm not the praying type but do occasionally ask for special. :( Today is one of those days. My BIL is undergoing surgery this a.m. Their 54th anniversary is coming in 5 days. Please let them see the day, together, alive, awake, and at least partially smiling.
    My sister had no clue what decision would be the best. But then the surgeon told her if they did nothing, he probably wouldn't last the week. If they operate he'd be more comfortable; time is still no guarantee. But it wasn't anyways.

    Argh.

    Thinking of you all.. let us know if he comes through ok?
  • MaltedTea
    MaltedTea Posts: 6,286 Member
    @ReenieHJ 🙏🏿

    You've been going through a lot this month. So glad you're able to share here. We got you.

Categories