An open letter...
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Dear Annoyingly Loud Alarm Clock,
Please snooze yourself so that I don't have to get out of bed just yet.
Sincerely,
Sleepy Momma
_______________________________________________________________________
Dear Psycho Kitten,
Please stop attacking my feet as I walk through the house. I know my feet drag more in the mornings than at night, but that does not mean I would like to feel sharp claws and gnawings on them after I just wake up. I believe next time I will move you out of my way...quickly.
Love,
Your darling human who feeds you food not flesh0 -
Dear Skirt:
Stay. Where. I. Put You.
Love,
My Legs
NICE! Haha!0 -
Dear MFP friends,
You have truly brightened my day! I have had so many of the same experiences, excluding sitting on a left testicle:huh: , You have all made me smile.
MFP Thanks for the pick me up,
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Dear Mom,
I appreciate that you came to take care of me after my root canal. Really I do. You made me nice soft mac n cheese for dinner and then seroiusly THREW OUT the rest of my $3/box, organic, whole wheat mac n cheese because you really didn't trust that I wouldn't finish off the box? Did you forget that I have a 2 year old who would have been more than happy to finish that off? I can be trusted with food you evil woman, I am a determined woman now. Thanks for the awesome attitude towards body image and food, BTW.
~Me
Yeah, I've got some issues today.
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Dear 4 year old parents,
Sit tight, 4 is the hardest stage, but 5,6 and 7 are completely pricelss:flowerforyou:
8, and nine are pretty amazing too! I haven't gotten any farther than that, but four was a challenge at my house and I'm so happy we're past it and enjoying every minute, story, hug and helping hand from our 7 and 9 year olds!
Sincerely,
Mom with 2 amazing helpers0 -
Dear Guy-at-the-Gym last night:
I'm so happy for you for having such high self esteem and being so completely comfortable with your totally buck-naked body, but we really don't care to have to see your @ss and everything else God gave ya while you stand there for at least* 15 minutes catching the game at the marble half-wall separating the locker room and lounge area with the tv... pressing your junk up against the wall right next to where people have to bend down and turn their head towards you if they want to use the water fountain... I mean really. The stack of fresh towels is literally *right* behind you. How about grabbing a towel and wrapping it around yourself next time.
Signed,
Things that can't be unseen0 -
Dear MFP friends,
You have truly brightened my day! I have had so many of the same experiences, excluding sitting on a left testicle:huh: , You have all made me smile.
MFP Thanks for the pick me up,
DITTO!0 -
Dear Extended Family:
Of course I'm coming home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Have I ever not come home for these holidays? Ever? I have lived in NY for going on 7 yrs now and am still home for every single one. Pls stop asking. It's only 4 hrs away, not an insurmountable distance, I promise.
Love you and see you soon,
Stop FBing me, You don't know how to use it.0 -
Dear work,
I appreciate that fact that I have a steady paycheck and benefits. Others are not so lucky.
However, please take a page out of Google's book and give everyone a 10% raise and $1000 bonus. We can do without the company holiday party if that helps.
PS-- giving everyone a raise will help boost the economy (more money to spend) so think about this suggestion as doing your patriotic duty ;-)0 -
Dear Guy-at-the-Gym last night:
I'm so happy for you for having such high self esteem and being so completely comfortable with your totally buck-naked body, but we really don't care to have to see your @ss and everything else God gave ya while you stand there for at least* 15 minutes catching the game at the marble half-wall separating the locker room and lounge area with the tv... pressing your junk up against the wall right next to where people have to bend down and turn their head towards you if they want to use the water fountain... I mean really. The stack of fresh towels is literally *right* behind you. How about grabbing a towel and wrapping it around yourself next time.
Signed,
Things that can't be unseen
Sorry man, I'll cover up next time!!0 -
Dear husband,
Would it kill you to do some laundry or put the dishes away every once in a while? Or at least put the dishes in the sink when you are up all night watching TV and my desk is covered in crap in the morning when I go to work. Oh, and food scraps and wrappers from whatever you microwaved last night do NOT go in the sink on top of and under the dishes. And, if you would like, I can teach you how to fill the ice cube tray instead of setting it on the counter empty every day.
I know you put in 8-9 work hours a day + an hour total of commute time, but know what ?!?, though my commute is only 2 minutes to the living room, in addition to a full day of telecommuting, my day starts whenever our 3 yr old wakes up (actually earlier) and ends well after he goes to sleep and I am still cleaning up both of your messes. And if I hear you tell me one more time that my "me time" is when I get up at 6a and go to the gym (while you choose to sleep in) so I don't need any weekend or evening time to myself or to relax, that that is your time, I will kick you in the baby maker.0 -
Dear Cousin:
Your girlfriend is wicked skanky. Wicked. Skanky. It's not bad enough that she wore a white dress to that family wedding, but it was so short/tight fitting that I know for a fact she was not wearing undergarments of any kind, as did many of the other guests. And her beer gut was showing. And I'm pretty sure she stole those shoes from a stripper.
Love,
I Hope You Can't Catch Anything By Standing Too Close
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
Dear Guy Behind Me in Line at Starbucks
I am really sorry that I cut you off in my rush to get into the drivethrough. Totally didn't relize that you were there! Hope that the free coffee made up for it??
Sincerly
b*tch in the car in front of you
Dear Wonderful Dog
You know you are not allowed water in the night. If we let you have water, we end up with messes in the morning. I am truly sorry that we have to be mean, but know that it is for your own good. Whining all night is not going to change our minds, sorry hun. If you learn how to drink water without drinking so much that you make yourself sick, then we will let you have the run of the house at night again.
Love
Your really mean person
Dear Body
For just once would you do what I tell you to?? I know, you don't want to get pregnant, I get it. But seriously suck it up! I am not taking these meds for the fun of it, they make me miserable. If you would just act like a normal body then we could stop with the meds and everyone would be happy! So please please please let this be the last month that I have to go through this??
Thanks
Me0 -
Dear Husband,
Why haven't you called me yet to say good morning? Thanks for leaving your dirty socks on the living room floor. I can't wait to come home and clean the mess up! Yay.
Love,
Your baby mamma
LMFAO! WORD - ARE WE WITH THE SAME MAN?
oh gosh - THE SOCKS in the living room!!! I want to KILL him! Socks EVERYWHERE! PICK UP THE FREAKING SOCKS!!!! :explode:0 -
Dear Guy-at-the-Gym last night:
I'm so happy for you for having such high self esteem and being so completely comfortable with your totally buck-naked body, but we really don't care to have to see your @ss and everything else God gave ya while you stand there for at least* 15 minutes catching the game at the marble half-wall separating the locker room and lounge area with the tv... pressing your junk up against the wall right next to where people have to bend down and turn their head towards you if they want to use the water fountain... I mean really. The stack of fresh towels is literally *right* behind you. How about grabbing a towel and wrapping it around yourself next time.
Signed,
Things that can't be unseen
lol Maybe he was gay and was hoping someone would make a pass at him.0 -
Dear Heater Guy,
Thank you so much for making sure you came right over yesterday and for being willing to go in with our big feroucious sounding dog, even though we weren't home. I really appreciate it. I also appreciate the fact that even though we only know you through your brother in law that you are giving us the parts for fixing our heater at cost instead of marking it up. I really really really appreciate it!
Love,
Chilly Homeowner
Dear Lisa (waffle house waitress who was cooking this morning since the cook wasn't there),
I know you were very busy, but my eggs were done perfectly and I really appreciate that- especially since every calorie counts, it sucks to eat food that's overdone!
Love,
Calorie Counter
Dear Daugthers one and two,
I love you to pieces, but please be nice to each other, Mommy only sleeps 3 hours at a time these days and your bickering is sending me over the edge. I know you both need more from me right now, but baby Aub is still little and right now needs me too. When you grow up, you guys will need each other, so let's love each other now!
Love,
Mommy
Dear Baby Aub,
Mommy loves you to pieces and has had a wonderful 8 weeks home with you, but next week as much as Mommy hates it, she has to go back to work. You will have to learn that sometimes you have to sit in a swing or a bouncy, because Daddy can't do everything else and hold you too all the time. One day soon, I think you'll have to learn to sleep in your own bed as well, b/c I don't think Daddy is going to go for us taking over the bedroom much longer. Your sissies were all in their own bed by this time and mommy really needs her rest for work!
Love,
A very tired Mommy
Dear Scale,
I hate the games you play with me and the control that you have over me. It is not nice to say that I am 3 pounds heavier in the morning and then when I go to show jon so I can complain that you show that I have not gained a pound. I know we have a love hate personal relatinoship, and I'm worried if you keep this up,Jon will take you away from me.
Love/Hate,
Wanna be that girl0 -
Dear Ex Boyfriend ~
You are pathetic. You may be a good father but you're a poor excuse for a man. You break up with the so-called love of your life in a text message and then want to know why you didn't get another chance???? Who DOES that?? You can pretend you are innocent and cry your tears but I know you solicited women on Craigslist and other places. I know you were inappropriate with multiple women while I was still far away. I hope you know that I did cry alot of tears and felt devestated, but my strength is building and you WILL NOT take away my dream of finding someone who loves, respects and cherishes me. I will find that person and continue to be the amazing girlfriend I am, and you will still be alone, treating women badly.
XOXO ~ Down but NOT for Long
Dear Mommy~
I love you so much. You are the best mother in the entire world. I just wish you understood that sometimes I don't have all the answers. I'm thankful we have such a wonderful relationship but when I hear so many of your problems, I start to feel like I can't share mine anymore. I feel sometimes like I'm taking care of you and not the other way around. It shouldn't be one-sided...we should be able to take care of each other at the same time. I feel guilty even posting this because you are, without a doubt, my angel and my best friend, but getting it off my chest to 5784935 strangers makes me feel better.
Love Always ~ A Daughter who Loves and Appreciates you More than you'll EVER know!
Dear Selfish Friend~
I understand you're going through alot of pain right now with the passing of your brother, but you aren't helping yourself. You claim your life is falling apart, but the lack of motivation, ability to keep a job, and piss poor attitude has been engrained in you long before he passed. The fact that you called me the other day and said you couldn't listen to my problems was hurtful and wrong. The fact that my Grandmother passed the SAME day your brother did and you dismissed it with an age comparison was hurtful and wrong. You need to stop waiting for someone to come rescue you and just rescue yourself. Eventually people will get sick of hearing you complain without ever wanting to take steps to change your life.
From the Heart ~ Your Best Friend Since Age 110 -
Oh Yeah-
Dear Asshat who was on the national news this morning,
I can't believe you had the nerve to say a Gov. could never be president b/c he was fat! Seriously!?! You used the word "fatso". Prejeduce against fat people is the last socially accepted form of prejeduce there is---thanks to all the asshats like you.
Sincerely,
Pissed off fatso0 -
Dear Crazy Neighbor Lady,
Please don't poke around my car while I'm in it, insinuating that I want to break into your house, just because I'm sitting in my car at night. I'm talking to a friend in the privacy of MY PROPERTY, NOT YOURS! No one is out to get you.
Also, please stop cussing loud enough that my kids can hear you. NOBODY is stealing your power. ESPECIALLY the lady in the town house that ISN'T connected to our complex! Ceasing the profanity and poking around my side of the town house complex would be great. Please stop taking the covers off of all the electricity meters and trying to turn yours back and TAKE SOME ANTI-PSYCHO MEDS!!!!
Thank you! And don't come near me again.0 -
Oh Yeah-
Dear Asshat who was on the national news this morning,
I can't believe you had the nerve to say a Gov. could never be president b/c he was fat! Seriously!?! You used the word "fatso". Prejeduce against fat people is the last socially accepted form of prejeduce there is---thanks to all the asshats like you.
Sincerely,
Pissed off fatso
Correction! Prejudice against gay people is the least socially accepted prejudice there is. lol0
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