I prefer not get weight loss comments

MelodyandBarbells

Last night a girlfriend's FIANCE said to me, "You look like you've slimmed down." I was so insulted. It came out of nowhere and I was not asking for his approval or his gaze. No thank you! I do not care about your objectifying thoughts on my body changes!

My punchline is - when my good girlfriends tell me I look good and healthy and glowing or strong/fit, I appreciate that. But when a MAN I don't know very well tells me I've "slimmed down", I get pissed. My body does not exist for his appraisal or approval! And I did not invite such a comment so I really was annoyed. I didn't want to say anything to anyone because I didn't want to start a drama, but you know how it is. Unfortunately the male gaze exists and we just have to deal with it, through all our weight fluctuations.

Wow. You're not joking. What if the chicks complimenting you were lesbians, would that still be okay?

xenu01

Oh wait.....never mind........I just read the feminist line. Guess my opinion matters not because I'm a guy.

"I'm wearing a power suit to this meeting but don't look at my suit, how dare you look at my suit"

LOL! I might as well just say I'm a misandrist because that seems to be what feminist equates to in these parts.

And oh yeah, it would actually be expected for you to make a negative comment about my pictures because we're on MFP. I mean, I wouldn't like it, but it would be in the realm of possibilities because I'm here and we're here to talk about bodies.

dakotababy

Oh, for pete's sake! This reminds me of my favorite quote: "We live in the land of the perpetually offended".

Take the compliment in the spirit it was intended and move on with your life. There are way bigger things out there to worry about than someone who thinks you look great because you put in the hard work to make yourself healthy.

Lol yes! This whole discussion reminds me of the topic about men looking at females and it being sexual harassment. The whole world will end up being "dont look at, dont speak to, dont make eye contact with ANYONE" in fear of being sued by what seems to be a world full of angry granny types.

xenu01

Oh, for pete's sake! This reminds me of my favorite quote: "We live in the land of the perpetually offended".

Take the compliment in the spirit it was intended and move on with your life. There are way bigger things out there to worry about than someone who thinks you look great because you put in the hard work to make yourself healthy.

Lol yes! This whole discussion reminds me of the topic about men looking at females and it being sexual harassment. The whole world will end up being "dont look at, dont speak to, dont make eye contact with ANYONE" in fear of being sued by what seems to be a world full of angry granny types.

Can I be an angry granny type? I would like this very much. Especially if I get a cane.

xenu01

Oh wait.....never mind........I just read the feminist line. Guess my opinion matters not because I'm a guy.

"I'm wearing a power suit to this meeting but don't look at my suit, how dare you look at my suit"

LOL! I might as well just say I'm a misandrist because that seems to be what feminist equates to in these parts.

And oh yeah, it would actually be expected for you to make a negative comment about my pictures because we're on MFP. I mean, I wouldn't like it, but it would be in the realm of possibilities because I'm here and we're here to talk about bodies.

No one has to say it for you, you're doing a good job at showing it. You capitalize the word MAN in your previous posts and it's okay for a woman to give you a compliment but the same compliment can't come from a man. It's pointless arguing with you as you've already solidified your preconceived views of men and I'm sure you've had more than enough practice battling every man on site so we really won't get anywhere.

Maybe as you complete your journey your views on the opposite sex might loosen up a little. Unless it's to late.

Are you confusing me with another person? That MAN comment was someone else. Also, I'm married.

JG762

I think I understand what the OP is saying, I find it harder (more uncomfortable) to deal with family than with friends etc. I try to accept it with the intent it’s given.
I think what the OP might be saying (not that I can speak for her) is that sometimes you just want to be who you are. For instance I described it like this a few days ago, sometimes I just what to be known as John, not John who’s lost 100lbs, I tried to explain it this way, if you’re friend Jim had an accident and lost his leg would he want or be known as Jim who lost his leg or just Jim?
I realize that analogy might be odd but it stems from wanting to just be “normal”, not to be the fat guy/girl, just wanting to be known for who you are and not what you’ve lost.
YMMV

chadya07

i didnt look that good at the weight i was. i look much better now in my opinion. i guess since that is my opinion getting a compliment about the hard work i did doesnt bug me one bit.

i suppose if i thought i was better looking at 278 pounds i would be offended but since i dont i am flattered that people take the time to notice my progress.

what bugs me much more is when people see my progress and take the opportunity to put themselves down. i wish people would not say "i really should be doing that too, i look horrible"

xenu01

I think I understand what the OP is saying, I find it harder (more uncomfortable) to deal with family than with friends etc. I try to accept it with the intent it’s given.
I think what the OP might be saying (not that I can speak for her) is that sometimes you just want to be who you are. For instance I described it like this a few days ago, sometimes I just what to be known as John, not John who’s lost 100lbs, I tried to explain it this way, if you’re friend Jim had an accident and lost his leg would he want or be known as Jim who lost his leg or just Jim?
I realize that analogy might be odd but it stems from wanting to just be “normal”, not to be the fat guy/girl, just wanting to be known for who you are and not what you’ve lost.
YMMV

This, so much.

MelodyandBarbells

I think I understand what the OP is saying, I find it harder (more uncomfortable) to deal with family than with friends etc. I try to accept it with the intent it’s given.
I think what the OP might be saying (not that I can speak for her) is that sometimes you just want to be who you are. For instance I described it like this a few days ago, sometimes I just what to be known as John, not John who’s lost 100lbs, I tried to explain it this way, if you’re friend Jim had an accident and lost his leg would he want or be known as Jim who lost his leg or just Jim?
I realize that analogy might be odd but it stems from wanting to just be “normal”, not to be the fat guy/girl, just wanting to be known for who you are and not what you’ve lost.
YMMV

I like that you've acknowledged that your analogy is a bit much. But let's now take it waay in the other direction: Would you want to be known as Jim, or Jim who used to be in a wheel chair, worked with doctors and the latest tech and now runs marathons?

JG762

I think I understand what the OP is saying, I find it harder (more uncomfortable) to deal with family than with friends etc. I try to accept it with the intent it’s given.
I think what the OP might be saying (not that I can speak for her) is that sometimes you just want to be who you are. For instance I described it like this a few days ago, sometimes I just what to be known as John, not John who’s lost 100lbs, I tried to explain it this way, if you’re friend Jim had an accident and lost his leg would he want or be known as Jim who lost his leg or just Jim?
I realize that analogy might be odd but it stems from wanting to just be “normal”, not to be the fat guy/girl, just wanting to be known for who you are and not what you’ve lost.
YMMV

I like that you've acknowledged that your analogy is a bit much. But let's now take it waay in the other direction: Would you want to be known as Jim, or Jim who used to be in a wheel chair, worked with doctors and the latest tech and now runs marathons?

Why?
That's nothing at all in line with what the OP was talking about. Of course you can spin it any way that you like, I was just trying to offer another explanation for what the OP might have meant.

succeedin2

I always thought the question "How did you lose the weight" to be annoying! I know we say it but is that even correct English? Why not say "how did you lose weight" I understand you all don't want the comments because (1) they make some uncomfortable and (2) some people are very private.

The hilarious part is people that ask that question have no real desire to put in the work to accomplish what you have! Therefore; to me the question is stupid! Congrats to all of you

MelodyandBarbells

I think I understand what the OP is saying, I find it harder (more uncomfortable) to deal with family than with friends etc. I try to accept it with the intent it’s given.
I think what the OP might be saying (not that I can speak for her) is that sometimes you just want to be who you are. For instance I described it like this a few days ago, sometimes I just what to be known as John, not John who’s lost 100lbs, I tried to explain it this way, if you’re friend Jim had an accident and lost his leg would he want or be known as Jim who lost his leg or just Jim?
I realize that analogy might be odd but it stems from wanting to just be “normal”, not to be the fat guy/girl, just wanting to be known for who you are and not what you’ve lost.
YMMV

I like that you've acknowledged that your analogy is a bit much. But let's now take it waay in the other direction: Would you want to be known as Jim, or Jim who used to be in a wheel chair, worked with doctors and the latest tech and now runs marathons?

Why?
That's nothing at all in line with what the OP was talking about. Of course you can spin it any way that you like, I was just trying to offer another explanation for what the OP might have meant.

My point is when we adjust your analogy, is it still wrong and uncomfortable to be known as someone who's accomplished a phenomenal task? Losing your leg = not so great and not the victory a ton of us feel after having worked extremely hard and lost weight. Walking again, well, maybe too fabtastic, but I'd say now we're getting close!

cincysweetheart

I'm my own worst critic. I am VERY well aware of how big I was. I am very well aware that I did not look great beforehand. Why would someone's observation that I look great or that they can tell I've lost weight bother me? Like I didn't already believe I was huge or ugly? The only thing that slightly bothers me is that I get a little self-conscious if people really make a big deal of it.

Granted, there will always be the *kitten* who have to make mean or snarky or back-handed comments…. Ignore them. But a majority of the time… just graciously accept the compliment. Because that's *usually* the spirit in which it was intended.

JG762

I think I understand what the OP is saying, I find it harder (more uncomfortable) to deal with family than with friends etc. I try to accept it with the intent it’s given.
I think what the OP might be saying (not that I can speak for her) is that sometimes you just want to be who you are. For instance I described it like this a few days ago, sometimes I just what to be known as John, not John who’s lost 100lbs, I tried to explain it this way, if you’re friend Jim had an accident and lost his leg would he want or be known as Jim who lost his leg or just Jim?
I realize that analogy might be odd but it stems from wanting to just be “normal”, not to be the fat guy/girl, just wanting to be known for who you are and not what you’ve lost.
YMMV

I like that you've acknowledged that your analogy is a bit much. But let's now take it waay in the other direction: Would you want to be known as Jim, or Jim who used to be in a wheel chair, worked with doctors and the latest tech and now runs marathons?

Why?
That's nothing at all in line with what the OP was talking about. Of course you can spin it any way that you like, I was just trying to offer another explanation for what the OP might have meant.

My point is when we adjust your analogy, is it still wrong and uncomfortable to be known as someone who's accomplished a phenomenal task? Losing your leg = not so great and not the victory a ton of us feel after having worked extremely hard and lost weight. Walking again, well, maybe too fabtastic, but I'd say now we're getting close!

LoL... Please feel free to spin it any way that you feel the need, as I've already stated I was giving another way to look at the OP's statement. Now if you want to change everything around and interject different parameters to what she was trying to say why stop there ? If we're going to "adjust" something why not say she grew another head?

ksolksol

I debated whether to answer this thread, but I keep thinking about it, SO...

Twice in my life I have lost significant weight not because I was getting my life together, but because it was falling apart. The first time, well-meaning compliments reinforced some self-destructive behavior I was engaging in. The second time, it was for medical reasons and compliments were very awkward and uncomfortable for me.

I know people mean well. I know a lot of people lose weight through hard work and want to have it acknowledged. But you don't always know what's going on in someone's life. I think you have to ask yourself if you want to risk doing any of these things inadvertently:

Do you want to compliment someone with bulimia for their weight loss?

Do you want to tell someone whose Crohn's disease is flaring and whose intestines start bleeding if they eat anything but white rice and steamed chicken or that they look great since they lost weight?

Do you want to compliment someone who chose to risk suicidal depression over taking medication that causes weight gain?

Do you want to compliment someone on their weight loss not knowing it's because they're puking their guts out from chemo every other week? Or, because they've reached the point where they're letting the disease take its course?

Obviously no one would do any of these things on purpose, but they happen when weight loss compliments are bandied about casually. I'm uncomfortable when I am complimented, because I don't want to encourage comments on people's bodies knowing that in some cases they can be terribly hurtful.

Cheyenelikewyoming

Just say, Awesome! I've been drinking Pilates!:drinker:

MelodyandBarbells

I think I understand what the OP is saying, I find it harder (more uncomfortable) to deal with family than with friends etc. I try to accept it with the intent it’s given.
I think what the OP might be saying (not that I can speak for her) is that sometimes you just want to be who you are. For instance I described it like this a few days ago, sometimes I just what to be known as John, not John who’s lost 100lbs, I tried to explain it this way, if you’re friend Jim had an accident and lost his leg would he want or be known as Jim who lost his leg or just Jim?
I realize that analogy might be odd but it stems from wanting to just be “normal”, not to be the fat guy/girl, just wanting to be known for who you are and not what you’ve lost.
YMMV

I like that you've acknowledged that your analogy is a bit much. But let's now take it waay in the other direction: Would you want to be known as Jim, or Jim who used to be in a wheel chair, worked with doctors and the latest tech and now runs marathons?

Why?
That's nothing at all in line with what the OP was talking about. Of course you can spin it any way that you like, I was just trying to offer another explanation for what the OP might have meant.

My point is when we adjust your analogy, is it still wrong and uncomfortable to be known as someone who's accomplished a phenomenal task? Losing your leg = not so great and not the victory a ton of us feel after having worked extremely hard and lost weight. Walking again, well, maybe too fabtastic, but I'd say now we're getting close!

LoL... Please feel free to spin it any way that you feel the need, as I've already stated I was giving another way to look at the OP's statement. Now if you want to change everything around and interject different parameters to what she was trying to say why stop there ? If we're going to "adjust" something why not say she grew another head?

I don't know, did you wish to make that point? Perhaps if you did I would find it an interesting read and respond to it as we're doing on a discussion forum. I thought the point was to exchange and comment on ideas, but if it makes you uncomfortable I'd be more than happy to make a note of your user name and just nod along quietly when next I read your post(s)