I prefer not get weight loss comments

smantha32

Last night a girlfriend's FIANCE said to me, "You look like you've slimmed down." I was so insulted. It came out of nowhere and I was not asking for his approval or his gaze. No thank you! I do not care about your objectifying thoughts on my body changes!

My punchline is - when my good girlfriends tell me I look good and healthy and glowing or strong/fit, I appreciate that. But when a MAN I don't know very well tells me I've "slimmed down", I get pissed. My body does not exist for his appraisal or approval! And I did not invite such a comment so I really was annoyed. I didn't want to say anything to anyone because I didn't want to start a drama, but you know how it is. Unfortunately the male gaze exists and we just have to deal with it, through all our weight fluctuations.

You cannot be serious. Please be trolling.


MFP rationality:
Comments on weight loss: creepy and/or judgemental, with the implication the subject looked like crap before
NO comments on weight loss: all your hard work has been for nothing, and everyone is a jealous hater.

Logic. Not even once

Wins the thread.

WalkingAlong

Last night a girlfriend's FIANCE said to me, "You look like you've slimmed down." I was so insulted. It came out of nowhere and I was not asking for his approval or his gaze. No thank you! I do not care about your objectifying thoughts on my body changes!

My punchline is - when my good girlfriends tell me I look good and healthy and glowing or strong/fit, I appreciate that. But when a MAN I don't know very well tells me I've "slimmed down", I get pissed. My body does not exist for his appraisal or approval! And I did not invite such a comment so I really was annoyed. I didn't want to say anything to anyone because I didn't want to start a drama, but you know how it is. Unfortunately the male gaze exists and we just have to deal with it, through all our weight fluctuations.

You cannot be serious. Please be trolling.


MFP rationality:
Comments on weight loss: creepy and/or judgemental, with the implication the subject looked like crap before
NO comments on weight loss: all your hard work has been for nothing, and everyone is a jealous hater.

Logic. Not even once

Wins the thread.

You guys realize, don't you, that there are many people here, right? Some want comments, some don't.

You not sharing one side's view doesn't make them a troll.

willodawisp85

I debated whether to answer this thread, but I keep thinking about it, SO...

Twice in my life I have lost significant weight not because I was getting my life together, but because it was falling apart. The first time, well-meaning compliments reinforced some self-destructive behavior I was engaging in. The second time, it was for medical reasons and compliments were very awkward and uncomfortable for me.

I know people mean well. I know a lot of people lose weight through hard work and want to have it acknowledged. But you don't always know what's going on in someone's life. I think you have to ask yourself if you want to risk doing any of these things inadvertently:

Do you want to compliment someone with bulimia for their weight loss?

Do you want to tell someone whose Crohn's disease is flaring and whose intestines start bleeding if they eat anything but white rice and steamed chicken or that they look great since they lost weight?

Do you want to compliment someone who chose to risk suicidal depression over taking medication that causes weight gain?

Do you want to compliment someone on their weight loss not knowing it's because they're puking their guts out from chemo every other week? Or, because they've reached the point where they're letting the disease take its course?

Obviously no one would do any of these things on purpose, but they happen when weight loss compliments are bandied about casually. I'm uncomfortable when I am complimented, because I don't want to encourage comments on people's bodies knowing that in some cases they can be terribly hurtful.

I think this is a good illustration of why some people may be uncomfortable with comments.

Although according to some people it because we are ungrateful, over sensitive and easily offended. I have never been offended or upset by a well meaning compliment, I would just rather someone wasn't commenting on my body who doesn't know me well and when the reason I had lost the weight was illness. It made me a little uncomfortable, that's all.

Tanie98

Last night a girlfriend's FIANCE said to me, "You look like you've slimmed down." I was so insulted. It came out of nowhere and I was not asking for his approval or his gaze. No thank you! I do not care about your objectifying thoughts on my body changes!

My punchline is - when my good girlfriends tell me I look good and healthy and glowing or strong/fit, I appreciate that. But when a MAN I don't know very well tells me I've "slimmed down", I get pissed. My body does not exist for his appraisal or approval! And I did not invite such a comment so I really was annoyed. I didn't want to say anything to anyone because I didn't want to start a drama, but you know how it is. Unfortunately the male gaze exists and we just have to deal with it, through all our weight fluctuations.

You cannot be serious. Please be trolling.


MFP rationality:
Comments on weight loss: creepy and/or judgemental, with the implication the subject looked like crap before
NO comments on weight loss: all your hard work has been for nothing, and everyone is a jealous hater.

Logic. Not even once

Wins the thread.

You guys realize, don't you, that there are many people here, right? Some want comments, some don't.

You not sharing one side's view doesn't make them a troll.

This,not everyone wants comments

denise9997

That is a great idea. I know of a couple others at work that are losing weight and didn't want to say "Hey you look lost weight!" in case it came out as "Hey! You're less fat." I'll compliment the new clothes they get as they lose weight and hope they do the same for me.

NH_1970

I know allot of people dig it but I prefer not get them.I don't get upset when I get them but I would rather they keep that to themselves.I use my old clothes to see if i am making progress and before and after picture so thats enough for me.Just like if I were to gain weight, I woudnt want comments on that either. Anyone feels the same?

Yep I have a boss with body dismorphic disorder she constantly compares herself with everyone and then puts herself down, I don't want her using my body for a reference point and when she pointed out 'oh you're losing weight! what are you doing?' I said I have health issues let's leave it at that. Which stopped her for referencing it ever again (at least so far)

Also have a family member who always feels that they can comment on my appearance. It's annoying I'm not up for the constant scrutiny.

DjinnMarie

This is what gives feminists a bad name. So much so I refuse to even call myself one now. Someone gives you a compliment and you are suddenly a victim. :noway: I thought feminists were strong and independent. I thought feminists were badass biches, not someone who cries over a compliment!

This thread is BSC. I will graciously accept any and all compliments, whether it be about my hair, body or personality. I will even say "thank you"... *gasp*

Last night a girlfriend's FIANCE said to me, "You look like you've slimmed down." I was so insulted. It came out of nowhere and I was not asking for his approval or his gaze. No thank you! I do not care about your objectifying thoughts on my body changes!

My punchline is - when my good girlfriends tell me I look good and healthy and glowing or strong/fit, I appreciate that. But when a MAN I don't know very well tells me I've "slimmed down", I get pissed. My body does not exist for his appraisal or approval! And I did not invite such a comment so I really was annoyed. I didn't want to say anything to anyone because I didn't want to start a drama, but you know how it is. Unfortunately the male gaze exists and we just have to deal with it, through all our weight fluctuations.

JG762

I think I understand what the OP is saying, I find it harder (more uncomfortable) to deal with family than with friends etc. I try to accept it with the intent it’s given.
I think what the OP might be saying (not that I can speak for her) is that sometimes you just want to be who you are. For instance I described it like this a few days ago, sometimes I just what to be known as John, not John who’s lost 100lbs, I tried to explain it this way, if you’re friend Jim had an accident and lost his leg would he want or be known as Jim who lost his leg or just Jim?
I realize that analogy might be odd but it stems from wanting to just be “normal”, not to be the fat guy/girl, just wanting to be known for who you are and not what you’ve lost.
YMMV

I like that you've acknowledged that your analogy is a bit much. But let's now take it waay in the other direction: Would you want to be known as Jim, or Jim who used to be in a wheel chair, worked with doctors and the latest tech and now runs marathons?

Why?
That's nothing at all in line with what the OP was talking about. Of course you can spin it any way that you like, I was just trying to offer another explanation for what the OP might have meant.

My point is when we adjust your analogy, is it still wrong and uncomfortable to be known as someone who's accomplished a phenomenal task? Losing your leg = not so great and not the victory a ton of us feel after having worked extremely hard and lost weight. Walking again, well, maybe too fabtastic, but I'd say now we're getting close!

LoL... Please feel free to spin it any way that you feel the need, as I've already stated I was giving another way to look at the OP's statement. Now if you want to change everything around and interject different parameters to what she was trying to say why stop there ? If we're going to "adjust" something why not say she grew another head?

I don't know, did you wish to make that point? Perhaps if you did I would find it an interesting read and respond to it as we're doing on a discussion forum. I thought the point was to exchange and comment on ideas, but if it makes you uncomfortable I'd be more than happy to make a note of your user name and just nod along quietly when next I read your post(s)

Ohhhh no.... :sad:

lemurcat12

Last night a girlfriend's FIANCE said to me, "You look like you've slimmed down." I was so insulted. It came out of nowhere and I was not asking for his approval or his gaze. No thank you! I do not care about your objectifying thoughts on my body changes!

My punchline is - when my good girlfriends tell me I look good and healthy and glowing or strong/fit, I appreciate that. But when a MAN I don't know very well tells me I've "slimmed down", I get pissed. My body does not exist for his appraisal or approval! And I did not invite such a comment so I really was annoyed. I didn't want to say anything to anyone because I didn't want to start a drama, but you know how it is. Unfortunately the male gaze exists and we just have to deal with it, through all our weight fluctuations.

You cannot be serious. Please be trolling.


MFP rationality:
Comments on weight loss: creepy and/or judgemental, with the implication the subject looked like crap before
NO comments on weight loss: all your hard work has been for nothing, and everyone is a jealous hater.

Logic. Not even once

Wins the thread.

You guys realize, don't you, that there are many people here, right? Some want comments, some don't.

You not sharing one side's view doesn't make them a troll.

This,not everyone wants comments

Which is fine. I'm introverted and don't like being the centre of attention. I'm not overly fond of comments either.
That wasn't my point though.

I could be wrong, but I took your point to be that as the discussion here consistently shows that some consider the absence of comments distressing and some consider their presence distressing, it's impossible to win. Thus, the ONLY gracious response is to accept whatever you get comments or not, in the spirit meant, generally well intentioned, and the proclamations about their rudeness may be how some wish they were considered, but do not in fact represent some social norm.

Or perhaps that's just my point.

I find the insistence upon judging others who are trying to be nice in an awkward area kind of obnoxious. I get embarrassed if I get commented on too, and it's one of those areas where I also feel awkward trying to judge what others prefer from me (and there's no agreement) so I really think people should get the benefit of the doubt.

MJ_Watson

OP, I get what you're saying. I don't feel the same way (I LOVE compliments! Bring 'em on!), but I understand that some people find it uncomfortable to receive comments on their body. I was taught growing up not to make comments on things like that for the reasons listen above: They might be ill, grieving, etc. It's up there with commenting on an assumed pregnancy for me. Unless they tell me they've been trying to lose weight or something like that, I'll go with a polite "You look great!" or "You look beautiful in that dress!"

On a personal note, though, I've really had to toughen up living in Korea for these past few years, because generally, they are NOT shy about commenting on weight. I have a friend who literally greets everyone with either "Wow, you've lost some weight!" or "Oh, you've gotten fatter, I think!" Last time I saw her, she looked me over, told me I've lost a lot of weight, and then said "I think... you should lose 10 or 15 more kilos and then you can stop!" I just laughed. :laugh:

I always thought the question "How did you lose the weight" to be annoying! I know we say it but is that even correct English?

I wouldn't normally do this, but this thread seems to be going off the rails anyway and I teach this lesson at least three times a week, so what the heck?

Technically, both are correct. The use of "the" denotes a specific thing i.e. "How did you lose the weight (that you lost)?" However, we can drop the "the" when speaking because it's understood by both parties what weight you are referring to. It's just a different way of asking the same question.

It's all dependent on context. For instance, "Did you lose weight?" is correct, while "Did you lose the weight?" is not unless the other person had previously specified something about that weight. For example: "I wanted to lose thirty pounds." "So, did you lose the weight?"

So yes, it's a correctly phrased but, I agree, sometimes really annoying question.

Aaand I'm taking off my teaching cap now.

LaReinaDeCorazones

I totally agree

This is what gives feminists a bad name. So much so I refuse to even call myself one now. Someone gives you a compliment and you are suddenly a victim. :noway: I thought feminists were strong and independent. I thought feminists were badass biches, not someone who cries over a compliment!

This thread is BSC. I will graciously accept any and all compliments, whether it be about my hair, body or personality. I will even say "thank you"... *gasp*

Last night a girlfriend's FIANCE said to me, "You look like you've slimmed down." I was so insulted. It came out of nowhere and I was not asking for his approval or his gaze. No thank you! I do not care about your objectifying thoughts on my body changes!

My punchline is - when my good girlfriends tell me I look good and healthy and glowing or strong/fit, I appreciate that. But when a MAN I don't know very well tells me I've "slimmed down", I get pissed. My body does not exist for his appraisal or approval! And I did not invite such a comment so I really was annoyed. I didn't want to say anything to anyone because I didn't want to start a drama, but you know how it is. Unfortunately the male gaze exists and we just have to deal with it, through all our weight fluctuations.

MelodyandBarbells

I wouldn't normally do this, but this thread seems to be going off the rails anyway and I teach this lesson at least three times a week, so what the heck?

Technically, both are correct. The use of "the" denotes a specific thing i.e. "How did you lose the weight (that you lost)?" However, we can drop the "the" when speaking because it's understood by both parties what weight you are referring to. It's just a different way of asking the same question.

It's all dependent on context. For instance, "Did you lose weight?" is correct, while "Did you lose the weight?" is not unless the other person had previously specified something about that weight. For example: "I wanted to lose thirty pounds." "So, did you lose the weight?"

So yes, it's a correctly phrased but, I agree, sometimes really annoying question.

Aaand I'm taking off my teaching cap now.

Lol. I also think of it as, "how did you lose the [excess] weight", as in any weight above our ideal weight is excess weight that we might seek at some point to reduce

thiswillhappen

Damn, people on here are really mean on this site when they disagree with each other. Why all the hate MFP? Why all the hate.

amusedmonkey

I don't mind comments on my weight (be it loss or gain), but I don't place high value in them either. I don't see them as offensive (be it from men or women). I'm a little desensitized in that regard.

I mean it's just something people say to express that they notice you as a person and the changes you go through, and that's nice, but I don't let it go to my head (or offend me) because when all is said and done they're probably not spending hours fantasizing about me glorifying my achievements, or losing sleep over feeling jealous of me. It's just a passing thought, a random comment, a n observation.. etc, not an elaborate plan to offend or worship me.

MJ_Watson

I wouldn't normally do this, but this thread seems to be going off the rails anyway and I teach this lesson at least three times a week, so what the heck?

Technically, both are correct. The use of "the" denotes a specific thing i.e. "How did you lose the weight (that you lost)?" However, we can drop the "the" when speaking because it's understood by both parties what weight you are referring to. It's just a different way of asking the same question.

It's all dependent on context. For instance, "Did you lose weight?" is correct, while "Did you lose the weight?" is not unless the other person had previously specified something about that weight. For example: "I wanted to lose thirty pounds." "So, did you lose the weight?"

So yes, it's a correctly phrased but, I agree, sometimes really annoying question.

Aaand I'm taking off my teaching cap now.

Lol. I also think of it as, "how did you lose the [excess] weight", as in any weight above our ideal weight is excess weight that we might seek at some point to reduce

Haha, yes, exactly!

jenilla1

I guess we should all just stop interacting with one another. It's way too complicated trying to guess who is or isn't going to be offended in any given situation. :sad:

zyxst

I always thought the question "How did you lose the weight" to be annoying! I know we say it but is that even correct English?

I wouldn't normally do this, but this thread seems to be going off the rails anyway and I teach this lesson at least three times a week, so what the heck?

Technically, both are correct. The use of "the" denotes a specific thing i.e. "How did you lose the weight (that you lost)?" However, we can drop the "the" when speaking because it's understood by both parties what weight you are referring to. It's just a different way of asking the same question.

It's all dependent on context. For instance, "Did you lose weight?" is correct, while "Did you lose the weight?" is not unless the other person had previously specified something about that weight. For example: "I wanted to lose thirty pounds." "So, did you lose the weight?"

So yes, it's a correctly phrased but, I agree, sometimes really annoying question.

Aaand I'm taking off my teaching cap now.