How do you tell someone they're not quite there yet....

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  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
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    How do I tell this chick to get off her high-horse and get serious without making her cry? (she's bipolar and tends to be quick with her emotions)

    Don't. Seriously. Do not go there.

    Just do your own thing and let her be.

    Drama with coworkers is bad for everyone involved.
  • FitLink
    FitLink Posts: 1,317 Member
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    This is where I run into so much trouble.
    People post pics of themselves which denote great improvement, yet, they still look bad.
    And the estrogen echo chamber is busy with "you go girl" and "you look sexy" when they do NOT!

    Yep this, MFP has too many people that are too soft. I commented on a topic once stating that the OP needed to keep losing weight, got locked out of the topic.

    EXACTLY!!! Like I said - I got fat again because no one was brave enough or cared enough to tell me to do something about it! People are too soft on here - do you see half the reactions I'm getting?

    I like how you place blame for your getting fat again on those who didn't tell you.... I pretty sure they weren't feeding you your meals....

    So true and so typical. This gives her a way to stroke her own ego by tearing someone else down, with the bonus of shifting the blame for her own weight gain squarely onto someone else's shoulders. It's not her fault she got fat, other people should have been more responsible!
  • chelso0o
    chelso0o Posts: 366 Member
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    OK. Just my two cents!!! It seems like this person is just a COWORKER and not an out of work friend right??? If so, LET IT BE. If she is bipolar, this could easily spiral out of control and cause HUGE HR issues for yourself. What if this starts an argument in the office? What if it causes work tensions?

    I'd tread lightly with coworkers. Always keep conversation light unless you are social outside of work with her. Just a thought.
  • grobbygru
    grobbygru Posts: 295 Member
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    Yep - care factor ZERO!!

    She has to do it herself anyways - delusions don't work in real life
  • abigailm83
    abigailm83 Posts: 110
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    You could always go shopping together, and try on the same pair of jeans. :wink: If they fit you and not her, she can't claim to be something she's not. And you, won't have to be mean about it. :bigsmile:
  • FitLink
    FitLink Posts: 1,317 Member
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    It's apparent that anyone posting on this thread who thinks the original poster should mind your her beeswax is "soft" (in their eyes)...but honestly, it must make a person feel great to be the queen of all things fitness and food, huh? Obviously, she's not "doing it right" and you could just SHOW HER...what exactly? that she's a failure because she's only lost 6 or 7 pounds and still (GASP) eats chocolate and salad dressing?

    Good grief. Being respectful and KIND is not being soft! Maybe for your best friend or a close family member, it's ok to be brutally honest (and even then it is sometimes just cruel depending on how things are worded), but for a coworker who you don't sound like you even care about that much? It just sounds like you want to show her up and make her feel bad about herself...and all that does is speak volumes about you.

    I have a coworker who recently started her weight loss journey and honestly has a long way to go...I don't approve of everything she is doing 100%, but you can be DARN sure I am encouraging her to build healthy habits and keep working on it...because that's what the people in my life did for me when I started my fitness journey. Why is it necessary to be hurtful to others?

    Sorry, rant over, just darn tired of the meanness in this world that people pass off as "honesty."
    I'll admit to being "soft" as I haven't really said exactly what I was thinking about OP in an attempt to be nice.

    Believe it or not, as harsh as my post sounded, I backspaced over a LOT of MUCH harsher stuff in an attempt to be nice. Her original post made me so angry. Why is it when some people have some success they decide they know what's best for everyone and feel the need to tell everyone so?
  • chelso0o
    chelso0o Posts: 366 Member
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    Another thing, you said in your profile that you are an admitted control freak. Do you think that perhaps since she isn't doing her journey the same as you.... that you don't like it because it's not the way you have done yours?
  • juicygurl1
    juicygurl1 Posts: 195 Member
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    you don't need to say anything, she'll find out for herself.
  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
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    I understand how frustrated you must feel to consider popping a hole in this woman's bubble. However, please don't actually do it. Vent all you want here but don't "put her in her place." She is bipolar. That doesn't necessarily mean coddle her but something like her friend telling her she isn't nearly as attractive as she thinks she is can trigger a depression phase. The depression phase is no joke whatsoever and if she is already wobbly in the emotion department, just no. Please don't go there. Maybe do some research into bipolar disorder or manic depressive disorder. As a matter of fact, her thinking so highly of herself is in itself a symptom of bipolar disorder.

    If you must do anything at all encourage her to keep going. Try to work out with her (which also helps her disorder btw - and you'd be a pretty awesome friend if you did help with this). Try to encourage her to eat healthier foods. But please don't go about triggering her depression.Depression really can be deadly.
  • SammyPacks
    SammyPacks Posts: 697 Member
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    Honestly... don't say anything. Eventually she will just go back to her old ways and you will just come out looking better than her. You can't tell someone to be healthy, just like us all on MFP we came here on our own free will. Eventually she will have that "final straw" and seek real health.
  • Spayrroe
    Spayrroe Posts: 210 Member
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    You know, for the general tone of this website community to be supposedly supportive, I see tons of judgmental posts of people who aren't know to the poster as members of this site, and I find it really aggravating. People need to derive a sense of worth from themselves and not bashing other people. If she's comparing herself to you, I get how that can be annoying. I get how watching someone not work as hard as you at something, and then claiming an equal share of "glory" can be irksome. However, in the end, it's what you think about you.

    Sorry if I offend, but I get sick of watching this "Oh, I watch someone who claimed to be on a diet eating sugar" or "Ewww! This person is taking a supplement instead of doing it the 'natural' way" or "I hate when people say "I just need to get to the gym again" and not watch their diet at all". Get over yourselves. I watch tons of people say that people should switch to diet drinks who are having problem cutting out soda, and from my own soap box, I find that an appalling suggestion. I think those fake sweeteners are worse for you than real sugar, but that's my opinion and I keep it to myself (well, except for just now as a way to illustrate my point). My ideals, and my way of "healthy" dieting is not the same as everyone else's and neither is yours.
  • mrleepiano
    mrleepiano Posts: 9
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    Just keep doing what you're doing. Hopefully she'll see your progress and realize that she needs to step it up.
  • JasonSwetland
    JasonSwetland Posts: 235 Member
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    If she's happy with herself, who cares?

    ^^^^ DO This. Do you really want to be the fitness police to someone who didn't ask you too judge them? Did she ask for your opinion? Until she says, "Hey would you judge me and give me critical feedback including constructive critisism on what I could be improving?"

    You should probably do what you would like other people to do- recognize her achievement of 6-7 pounds lost, give her some praise for her success, and encourage her to keep improving on it. I am pretty sure you would be offended if someone said,

    "Hey I lost 100 pounds and your 50-60 pounds isnt good enough. Quit being so proud and work harder like me."

    Soubnds pretty offensive and arrogant too me.
  • digdeep2011
    digdeep2011 Posts: 31
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    Try get a casual photo and show her, also casually, so she can decide for herself. That is what got me to make a change, and probably alot of other people too, seeing themselves in a photo. If she thinks she looks good, then seriously just leave it. You dont want to be responsible for ruining her confidence.
  • PNWriter
    PNWriter Posts: 223 Member
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    No offense....and please don't take offense, but it's none of your business, really.
  • shellybean826
    shellybean826 Posts: 44
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    I have this coworker who after seeing me drop about 30 pounds decided to go on a diet and get back to the gym. So far, I think she's lost about 6 or 7 pounds, but she's not serious about it (example - eating Reese's peanut butter cups at her desk, chowing down on a salad that was mostly dressing - and not lowfat, going to the gym one day a week to flirt with her trainer and skipping it the other 6 days a week, etc.)

    Now, I'm not claiming to be a fitness or nutrition guru, but I know what I'm doing when it comes to weight loss. Also, I'm not a fashion expert, but I know when your clothes don't fit.

    Well... she's fully convinced that she doesn't have a stomach anymore and that she's the same size as me..... I weigh at least 50 pounds less and I promise you, her stomach hasn't changed at all except to expand outwards.

    How do I tell this chick to get off her high-horse and get serious without making her cry? (she's bipolar and tends to be quick with her emotions)

    if she is truly bi-polar and you two are close then you know that when they get in their heads that something is true ..there is very little you can do to change that idea ...right now she sees herself as beautiful and a size 8, and nothing you say is going to change that ....she will say youre jealous, she will say youre crazy and yes she is going to cry ....so why tell her anything and why does she have to be on a high-horse ??? she is bi-polar ..youve just said it. leave her alone
    and if you are truly her friend, instead of being yet another person that is going to tell her she looks bad (cause she is still going to wear whatever outfit you are saying looks bad), be a TRUE FRIEND and be there for her once she wears it and they do rip her apart and be her shoulder to cry on
  • shellybean826
    shellybean826 Posts: 44
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    I understand how frustrated you must feel to consider popping a hole in this woman's bubble. However, please don't actually do it. Vent all you want here but don't "put her in her place." She is bipolar. That doesn't necessarily mean coddle her but something like her friend telling her she isn't nearly as attractive as she thinks she is can trigger a depression phase. The depression phase is no joke whatsoever and if she is already wobbly in the emotion department, just no. Please don't go there. Maybe do some research into bipolar disorder or manic depressive disorder. As a matter of fact, her thinking so highly of herself is in itself a symptom of bipolar disorder.

    If you must do anything at all encourage her to keep going. Try to work out with her (which also helps her disorder btw - and you'd be a pretty awesome friend if you did help with this). Try to encourage her to eat healthier foods. But please don't go about triggering her depression.Depression really can be deadly.


    soooooooooooooo this ^^^^
  • kimzie77
    kimzie77 Posts: 5
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    LIKE
  • joders1313
    joders1313 Posts: 19
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    I personally think this is a ridiculous post....I'm sorry if your offended, but you're obviously not in high school anymore, who cares who is skinnier than who? Real friends support each other no matter what size they are, it sounds like this poor girls problem is the jealous frenemy she should ditch.
  • wilkin777
    wilkin777 Posts: 73 Member
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    What motivated you to start losing weight ?
    Was it because someone else told you you didn't look great in an outfit?
    Was it because you saw a picture of yourself that you hated?
    Was it because you realised that you were really ready to make a committed change?

    I only ask because from my experience the people who told me I looked awful just made me angry and sad and want to eat more to prove that they didn't matter and neither did their opinions.

    When I saw THE picture I hated it was enough for me o finally get it on my own. (it's my profile pic and i really do hate it)

    Then I - me alone - decided to make a change.

    What happened when my ex boyfriend told me to stop eating butter? I ate twice the amount.

    Consider whether it is worth telling this girl that there is a big difference between the two of you or that she doesn't look great in a performance outfit. I know that you expressed concern over critics and unattractive photos. Maybe this is what she needs in order to really see that there is a difference that she needs to make. I get the difficult situation you are in but if you are friends will she resent you more or less. And is it better just to be a friend and support her when the penny finally drops.
    (my sister was a model and I was forever trying to squidge into her clothes... it took a while but I got it in the end)

    I also understand that someone comparing themselves to you when you have worked REALLY hard to get where you are can be SERIOUSLY frustrating. I have also been there. I am not criticising you. Just asking a few questions that might help with another perspective.

    Good luck : )

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