Why do people not allow the "under 1200" friend requests

neilegni

@toaster6

I have no clue. But it irks me that someone would assume I have an eating disorder because I eat less than 1200 calories a day. I'm overweight so I feel like it should be obvious I haven't got an eating disorder because if I do, I'm doing it wrong.

Clearly you don't know very much about eating disorders. ANYONE of ANY WEIGHT can suffer from an eating disorder--not just those considered "too skinny". Those of us with EDs come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. An eating disorder has very LITTLE to do with how much you weigh.

I'm in recovery from an eating disorder, and while I don't have a post on my profile saying that I won't accept requests from people who eat <1200 cal a day, I generally will not friend them back or seek them out. I don't care what they are doing with their lives, but seeing those low low numbers (1000, 800, 400(!!!)) is really triggering for me and leaves me thinking "maybe I need to be eating 800 calories too," which sends me into a spiral of eating disorder behaviors. I haven't been permitted to count calories and diet for a long time now, and last time I tried to count calories, I became VERY obsessive to the point where I would try to net 0 calories a day, but I'm in a healthier place, and along with a nutritionist and therapist, I am trying this again. Seeing people with really low goals triggers that desire in me and I'm not here for that. I'm here to try to lose weight in a healthy, safe, and supportive environment, and posts and profiles with those low low goals are toxic and dangerous for me. If it works for you, that's fantastic, but I can't get into that mindset.

I'm not going to call someone out in a forum or tell them what they are doing is sick or unhealthy (even if I think it is), because their choices are none of my business. I will, however, refuse their friend requests or decide not to read their posts because I can. It says it on the top of the page, my friends list and profile are my "home" on MFP. I'm allowed to make and maintain a home that makes me feel safe--and I'm not going to put my own health and sanity in jeopardy in order to save someone's feelings from being hurt by my refusal to click the "add friend" button.

juicygurl1

I strive to add folks for support, both for myself and for theirs. I am no expert and by no means in a position to judge how to be the perfect participant. Seems there is a great many experts on this site and that’s wonderful, however; there is no such thing as a generic one size fits all programs. Some methods might be unorthodox but I disagree with excessive criticism towards people who just want to get back to a reasonable size or weight while they are dieting and exercising.

SuperstarDJ

After reading posts like these:
Ugh I ate way too much (300 cals) I fell like i should throw up
I cannot believe i ate so much today! I am a fat cow (like 800 calories)
Calorie goals around 200 a day with mostly cigs and diet soda
Seeing posts about them getting out of the hospital
much worse

Not everyone who is anorexic is 'pro ana' and not everyone who is 'pro ana' has an ED, in fact many are just trying to be (for what reasons, I'll never understand as it's a God awful disease). I have anorexia (would have said 'used to have' until a few days ago) and I've befriended different people but I keep my diary private because I would hate anybody getting ideas from me from my 'bad' days. I would never post comments like those above because they make others feel bad about themselves. I recently posted pictures but had the post removed when people started saying I looked bad. I am currently trying to keep my calorie intake at a more healthy level now but nobody here can see what my total is.
I hate the term 'pro ana' SO much. Anorexia is a psychological illness - not a lifestyle choice to be aspired to. Those who believe it is are NOT anorexic as they obviously haven't experienced what it's really like. Starving myself is easy. Eating's the hard bit

opuntia

Out of curiosity, do people who won't friend 'under 1200' people also include people who do intermittent fasting in this category? For instance, people who deliberately have a couple of days a week where they eat 600 calories, but eat as many calories as they like the rest of the week.

I have a couple IF people on my list...they don't eat 600 cals the ones I have eat closer to 2000? Are you sure your talking about IF and not some other kind?

There are quite a few different types of intermittent fasting. I'm a member of the intermittent fasting group, and there are different people following different plans. I was referring to one of the types of fasting advocated in the recent BBC documentary 'Eat, Fast and Live Longer', which there have been quite a few forum threads about lately.

apocalypsepwnie

After reading posts like these:
Ugh I ate way too much (300 cals) I fell like i should throw up
I cannot believe i ate so much today! I am a fat cow (like 800 calories)
Calorie goals around 200 a day with mostly cigs and diet soda
Seeing posts about them getting out of the hospital
much worse

Not everyone who is anorexic is 'pro ana' and not everyone who is 'pro ana' has an ED, in fact many are just trying to be (for what reasons, I'll never understand as it's a God awful disease). I have anorexia (would have said 'used to have' until a few days ago) and I've befriended different people but I keep my diary private because I would hate anybody getting ideas from me from my 'bad' days. I would never post comments like those above because they make others feel bad about themselves. I recently posted pictures but had the post removed when people started saying I looked bad. I am currently trying to keep my calorie intake at a more healthy level now but nobody here can see what my total is.
I hate the term 'pro ana' SO much. Anorexia is a psychological illness - not a lifestyle choice to be aspired to. Those who believe it is are NOT anorexic as they obviously haven't experienced what it's really like. Starving myself is easy. Eating's the hard bit

these girls are doing it for fashion/popularity. The waif thin look is back in and these girls are trying to look like that. They adopt behaviours of eat disorders and do it together in groups of friends. They befriend others online with EDs to see what they are doing and imitate this. It's also another form of 'emo' as a teenager form of rebellion and cry for attention.

violetta88

I don't ban any friend requests, but I guess I can understand why people would.

Yes, MFP is totally a support forum for those who have issues with their weight - but most want to lose in a healthy, sustainable fashion. I personally do not have the knowledge or the education to provide support to those with serious eating disorders.

I'm also a notorious crash-dieter, and want to lose weight healthily this time around. Surrounding myself with people who might coax me down the wrong path is just not a good choice for me.

opuntia

I keep my diary private because I would hate anybody getting ideas from me from my 'bad' days. I would never post comments like those above because they make others feel bad about themselves. I recently posted pictures but had the post removed when people started saying I looked bad. I am currently trying to keep my calorie intake at a more healthy level now but nobody here can see what my total is.

I think it's a shame you feel the need to do this, although I understand why, in the light of what many people are saying here. But we're all adults here, responsible for making our own decisions. If people are randomly deciding to imitate the diaries of their friends, rather than listening to their own bodies, doing their own research, and working out what's best for them, then they are the ones responsible for making such a daft decision. I certainly wouldn't expect my friends to start imitating my diary - my friends on this site are all different, with different bodies, different goals, different lifestyles, different preferences - guess I'm in a minority for being totally happy with that, and having no desire to change anyone's diet or lifestyle to be the same as mine!

I hate the term 'pro ana' SO much. Anorexia is a psychological illness - not a lifestyle choice to be aspired to. Those who believe it is are NOT anorexic as they obviously haven't experienced what it's really like. Starving myself is easy. Eating's the hard bit

This. I'm fortunate to have never had an eating disorder, but I'm close to a few people who have, and who still struggle, and I'm always quite taken aback by all the posts here about how anorexic people are deliberately being unhealthy and not trying to help themselves. It's a mental illness - itt's not a lifestyle choice any more than, say, clinical depression or schizophrenia are lifestyle choices!

LiaBunny

We're all different weights and have different goals and views on health and lifestyle. It's just about adding people who have similar goals to you so you can share the journey, I would have nothing in common with someone who is obese and on a 2000 calorie a day diet - it's nothing personal at all, this site is for me to meet people who can help me on my journey and vice versa

ironanimal

Taking 1200 calories as a gospel figure for weightloss is not "trying to be healthy".

Neither is stuffing your face with 3,000 calories worth of fast foods & everything processed. Yet, there are people on here who still say they want to lose weight & are binging and eating excessive amounts of bad foods. You add those people, don't you? What's the difference they are both unhealthy! This site is to track calories for weight loss or gain, am I right? People ban posts or deactivated accounts, get reported because they eat to less. What about those who eat to much- that can also cause heart attacks and become fatal. Isn't that why most people are here, to lose weight? It's almost as if people are hypocrites!

Actually, no. I don't accept, or at least keep, people that are chowing down on McDs five times a week and then complaining that they don't lose.

I do however have several people eating well over 2500 a day of good food. You seem to be under the impression that 3000 calories a day is astronomically high - for me, that's about an 800 calorie a day deficit. And really, for someone very active, as a lot of my friends are, it's not that much at all.

clarechieri

I can see why people don't accept them as there are a lot of pro ana people on here. On my previous account I had friends requests from a group of young girls who all seemed to be friends with each other. It wasn't long till I realised they where encouraging each other to eat 300cals a day and even commenting that I ate to much at 1300 cals. The final straw came when they all turned on me for saying that making yourself sick wasn't a good idea and that an indepth description of what they brought up wasn't really something I wanted to know when they all turned on me for not being supportive. Needless to say I deleted them and eventually my account as I was getting alot of abuse sent via pms.

It really wasn't something I wanted to deal with and I would probably think twice if someone friended me eating so low next time.

Ken4Life

Hey, its probably not a bad thing that these folks dont accept "under 1200" because by doing so they show that they are more of a "fair weather" type with very little depth or concern in supporting others. We as humans often feel more comfortable in applauding those whom are most like us....I am guilty!

ahlani

/rant on... yes I'm angry because this is supposed to be a place where we are SUPPORTIVE to each other.

They're *kitten*.

Anyone with that statement in their profile... IGNORE them. I wouldn't even consider listening to any advice posted from them, they don't give a rat's *kitten* hair about anyone else. They only here to feed their own egos. They are not supportive friends, so if you see that in their profile you're better off to ignore every thing they ever post..

Why would I say that? Because:

Do you or they think everyone eating 1200 or less WANTS to eat that way?

It's not only anorexia or mental health issues that can cause someone to eat less, it's VERY F'N' common for people who have cancer, hashimoto's, crohns, lupus, nerve disorders, and many many other health issues, who tend to reduce their intake in order to cope with their symptoms and the treatments.

The lack of intake can very well be a SYMPTOM of their health issues, not just mental issues, and it's NOT the F'N' cause of their problems.

Increasing volume in intake just for the sake of adding calories increases their pain and discomfort while they are being treated. In some cases it can make things worse for them.

They feel like crap, that's why they are here. MFP tracking is helping them find ways to improve their overall nutrition while they are under a doctor's care.

Those of you who ARE NOT DOCTORS and spouting off and stirring up groups to discriminate and ostracize those members who are just trying everything possible to improve their health, we don't want you on our friends lists either. You are the ones that do NOT belong on anyone's friends list because you have no desire to offer support to others.

Frankly, any of you who are discriminating against anyone else struggling here are the ones who should be ashamed.

MFP promotes tools and support groups with the purpose to help all of us, regardless of circumstances that brought us here, to make healthy lifestyle changes, so how the F* can you claim to support others or even expect any "advice" you post to be given credit if you refuse to help those who need help?

Those MFP members unwilling to help and encourage anyone who is or has been eating <1200 are just self righteous, egotistical, inconsiderate, narcissistic, bullying jerks. We don't need you either.

I was lucky, I found a friend here who didn't discriminate against me and has helped me so much. BTW, my Doctor agreed with all his suggestions for me to increase calories intake safely while I waited for tests and my friend has helped me find the will to fight. I wish I could express exactly how much this person, this anonymous MFP friend, has helped me.

I'm not tracking right now because the Doctor made a few changes (and reductions) to help me deal with the most severe symptoms while I get enough calories, but hopefully will return to tracking when he allows me to start eating normally again in a couple of weeks.

I will listen to the Doctor, not some *kitten* who has no business participating on a support group site when they discriminate and petition others to discriminate against group members who might need the support the most.

/rant off

impyimpyaj

ahlani, typically people (like me) who aren't friends with people who routinely eat very few calories don't feel that way about people who CAN'T eat, or who are trying to eat more. I've had people on my friend list who had eating disorders, but who were trying to get well and eat more. I've had people on my friend list who had gotten used to eating very little, and were then trying to eat more after realizing that their metabolism was wrecked. And I would welcome someone like you, too. You're doing what you can for your health, and anybody who doesn't respect and understand that is crazy. When I say I don't support people who routinely eat too little, I'm talking about those who do it purposefully. Those who deliberately cultivate their eating disorders without seeking treatment (yes, they exist) or those who are trying to drop weight faster than what is healthy by starving their bodies. And as I said in my earlier comment, it's not because I'm judging them, it's because I can't support them in those goals to lose weight in such an unhealthy manner. And so it's best for THEM if they don't have me around.

ahlani

Sweety, I understand that you might not have much in common with those other members, but consider this please...

I see posts from those that choose to eat that way, I actually want to get into the position soon so I can help them too. Small things like adding a little natural peanut butter or adding some walnuts to their yogurt, encouraging them to make healthier choices.

We look at dairies for ideas, omy the wonderful ideas I have gotten from my friend who is helping me the most, but so many of those discriminating against them also close their diaries to friends only... they don't share helpful ideas.

Why not offer help? Those that choose to eat low calorie, they need help too.. I'd say they need support to improve their eating and exercise lifestyle as much as anyone else, as much or more so than I do.

Littlegurl

I don't know. This is supposed to be a support group for people who are trying to lose any amount of weight or even for those that might be trying to gain weight.

I don't get very many responses to my posts or friend requests because when I created my account I decided to give myself a user name that would motivate me. At the time of creating my account I didn't know there was this whole community of people I would be chatting with. I thought it was just an app to log exercise and food. Plus, when I reach my goal weight I plan to stay on here because I want to maintain. Maybe I will be shunned at that point. LOL

impyimpyaj

Sweety, I understand that you might not have much in common with those other members, but consider this please...

I see posts from those that choose to eat that way, I actually want to get into the position soon so I can help them too. Small things like adding a little natural peanut butter or adding some walnuts to their yogurt, encouraging them to make healthier choices.

We look at dairies for ideas, omy the wonderful ideas I have gotten from my friend who is helping me the most, but so many of those discriminating against them also close their diaries to friends only... they don't share helpful ideas.

Why not offer help? Those that choose to eat low calorie, they need help too.. I'd say they need support to improve their eating and exercise lifestyle as much as anyone else, as much or more so than I do.

I guess for me, I have offered help. And I do offer help, for those who want to recover. There are people around who don't, I know, but there are also people who don't accept members of the opposite sex, or who don't live near them, or whatever. But for me, I have offered help to many people who flat-out refused to eat enough to fuel their bodies, and that gets frustrating to beat my head against a wall with someone who doesn't want to hear it. And I personally don't have the energy to save someone who doesn't want to be saved. I will help anyone who truly wants help, but it is frustrating when someone refuses to listen to reason and insists on starving. I've also experienced situations where chronic undereaters talk about how "fat" and gluttonous they feel when they eat 800 calories instead of their normal 500, and they're not meaning it from a place of "please help me." That doesn't feel so good for me, kwim? So I can't provide the help that those folks need.

I guess my point in replying to you is that not everyone who doesn't support chronic undereating is doing so from a judgmental standpoint. Some of us do make exceptions for people who truly are trying to be HEALTHY, not to starve themselves thin. Some don't, I know, and I know your original post was more talking to those people. Just don't give up on the rest of us.

opuntia

I guess my point in replying to you is that not everyone who doesn't support chronic undereating is doing so from a judgmental standpoint. Some of us do make exceptions for people who truly are trying to be HEALTHY, not to starve themselves thin.

Is that not kind of like saying 'Hey, not all of us are judgemental of fat people - some of us make exceptions for those who are genuinely trying to be healthy and not overeat.'

I think I might feel a bit patronised if someone was 'making an exception' for me, based on how they felt I fit in with their own personal values! It's like the people who say they hate Christians but they make an exception for me because I'm different and not like all the others.

ahlani

Yes, but don't pay attention to their whines, that's why they are here because deep down they know they have a problem and they need friends they can follow for the example... the example of a healthier plan that you yourselves set.

Trust me, your example, your diary, your exercise, your posts of feeling great.. don't you think that your example may help them see the positive changes they could make to their lifestyle to feel better?

Who says you have to post every day "great job!" when they fark up and only eat 400 calories? If you want to positively reinforce and help them, do it when it's appropriate and ignore the poor choices they make or tell them to "try again tomorrow, you can do it".

You don't, and really should not, expend any effort when you think they've done poorly. They're following you for the example you've set. If they're just seeking attention, yes we know they exist, and you don't give it to them.... they'll un-friend you themselves and save you the troubles.

onceabyrne

Eating below 1,200 can be dangerous. But I'm 5'1" and met with a nutritionist. Had my metabolic profile ran, body fat, etc. etc. I' m very sedentary at work (desk job) so the only exercise I get is from going to the gym, walking, hiking, etc. That being said, we settled on 1,000 daily caloric intake goal and try to stay between 1,000-1,200. If it's been a busy day or I'm just not that hungry, it'll go under a bit. If I'm active or eating out, it tends to hover closer to 1,200. I try to eat only nutritionally dense non-processed foods, healthy fats, grass fed meats, etc. (Paleo/Primal) and have no trouble getting in my fats, protein, and daily fiber recommendations at 1,000 calories - in fact, I usually exceed fiber and protein. If you strive to stay under 1,000 calories on a daily basis, you really should be monitored by a doctor with regular blood testing, liver panels, etc.

That being said, I think once you view a person's diary, you can see if they are trying to eat healthy and make long-term changes but may not hit that 1,200 mark versus someone that is just trying to drastically slash calories for quick, unhealthy weight loss. I think it is sort of silly just to say you won't accept friends that don't eat 1,200 as everyone is different. I don't have a lot of MFP friends, but I tend to keep the ones that exercise regularly and log religiously. Those that don't I end up deleting anyway, regardless of the number of calories they consume.

mcpjan

I am like you. I am under a doctor's care trying to lose weight. They want me to stay between 1000 and 1200 calories a day. I try to stay closer to 1200. I make sure I eat a balance diet and exercise every day. I must say thought I am usually under the 1200 calories. Would that mean these people would not want me as a friend? My BMI is still on the obese side at 30.2 and I have another 40 to 50 pounds to lose.

I goal is to be overall healthy and lose weight in the process. I have not seen the not allowed on any friends that I have but I was not looking. But I do understand it someone wanted to deny those if they had a ED that they have corrected and are afraid they may fall back to those bad habits.