Why do people not allow the "under 1200" friend requests

impyimpyaj

I guess my point in replying to you is that not everyone who doesn't support chronic undereating is doing so from a judgmental standpoint. Some of us do make exceptions for people who truly are trying to be HEALTHY, not to starve themselves thin.

Is that not kind of like saying 'Hey, not all of us are judgemental of fat people - some of us make exceptions for those who are genuinely trying to be healthy and not overeat.'

I think I might feel a bit patronised if someone was 'making an exception' for me, based on how they felt I fit in with their own personal values! It's like the people who say they hate Christians but they make an exception for me because I'm different and not like all the others.

Yeah, it is like that. If someone is chronically overeating and doesn't understand why they're not losing weight, and I've offered suggestions to help them and they continually ignore me, then yeah, I'll delete them. I'm here to support people who want to get healthy, period. And I'm not going to waste my energy on someone who doesn't want my help.

impyimpyaj

Look, I've had people delete me for all kinds of reasons. And I don't care. I figure, they must not have been able to support me, and maybe I wasn't doing a good job in supporting them, so it's best for both of us that they deleted me. It's not personal. It's just the internet. If someone doesn't want me on their friend list, for whatever reason, it's really no skin off my nose. I don't feel judged. I don't feel slighted. I don't feel upset. It really doesn't matter that much to me.

Right now my food diary is closed for various reasons. There are people here who won't be friends with someone who doesn't have an open diary, so they wouldn't accept a request from me, and a couple current friends deleted me when I closed it. Ok, that's their prerogative. I understand that they have their reasons, so more power to 'em if that's what they need to do. It's not about ME, it's about THEM and the choices that they have made in order to protect themselves and keep themselves motivated along their journey. And that's ok. Good luck to them, and I hope they find people on here whom they can support and who can support them in turn. Because like I said, it's not personal. It's just the internet.

ahlani

Yeah, it is like that. If someone is chronically overeating and doesn't understand why they're not losing weight, and I've offered suggestions to help them and they continually ignore me, then yeah, I'll delete them. I'm here to support people who want to get healthy, period. And I'm not going to waste my energy on someone who doesn't want my help.

Exactly, but this about a flat statement discriminating against anyone eating <1200 as if everyone doing so has a mental illness or will refuse to improve their lifestyles.

I've seen this statement before, my thought is the person with that blanket statement has absolutely NO business participating in a support group for members looking to make changes to healthier lifestyles.

Frankly, if you don't want to allow those members to request friendships with you so they can follow your example.. just go Private and keep it to yourself.

impyimpyaj

Yeah, it is like that. If someone is chronically overeating and doesn't understand why they're not losing weight, and I've offered suggestions to help them and they continually ignore me, then yeah, I'll delete them. I'm here to support people who want to get healthy, period. And I'm not going to waste my energy on someone who doesn't want my help.

Exactly, but this about a flat statement discriminating against anyone eating <1200 as if everyone doing so has a mental illness or will refuse to improve their lifestyles.

I've seen this statement before, my thought is the person with that blanket statement has absolutely NO business participating in a support group for members looking to make changes to healthier lifestyles.

Frankly, if you don't want to allow those members to request friendships with you so they can follow your example.. just go Private and keep it to yourself.

And I understand that, but the great thing about the internet is that you can choose whom you want to associate with. You can choose to view those people as judgmental and rude if you like, in the same way they're viewing people who eat too little as having a mental problem.

Everybody judges everybody else. It's a fact of being a human, and if you think you don't then you're lying to yourself. The most we can do is try to recognize our own prejudices, and work to get past them. But none of us are successful in that all the time. Because we're human. And frankly, most people didn't join this site to be a support for everyone else. Most people joined here to GET support. It's nice for those people who are able and willing to support everyone else without judgment. But most people can't, don't want to, or don't have the time. So we make adjustments. Some people will accept all friends regardless of age, some people will only accept those near their own age, and some will accept everyone except underage users. Some will only accept members of the same sex. Some will only accept paleo/primal eaters, some will only accept vegetarians and vegans, some will only accept clean eaters. Because we do what we have to in order to help ourselves be successful. So if you have a quality that someone will not accept in one of their MFP friends, move on, and don't feel slighted. Because they couldn't help you anyway.

vjrose

I have a number of friends who hover around the 1200 mark and frequently under, they are trying to get it consistently up but it's a daily fight, I do have trouble when I add someone and they are eating 1,000 of junk food so if they can't or don't want to improve that then sadly we part ways. It isn't truly the number of calories but the quality of those calories.

Also, are you going to criticize those who don't accept fad dieters, I don't, since I believe this is a lifestyle change and hence fad diets are not on my radar. I do pm folks under 1200 before accepting and get to know their story a bit before adding them as i accepted a group of girls and they were all in that 800 a day and whining that they only got 600 calories of exercise in, so they were knowingly (yes I asked) providing their bodies with 200 in nutrition, can't do that as I have a couple of girls that are finally up to 1200 a day and I didn't need that chatter in my newsfeed.

There are a million reasons why folks that have been here awhile don't accept under 1200 but if you pm'd them and explained why you wanted to be their friend they might make an exception. As in perhaps you want help eating a bit more or improving your choices.

At this point I have 70 friends to keep up with and so I have contemplated posting that i am not accepting friends requests at this time, however, I probably wouldn't since i would get a bunch of damn hatemail. If you take supporting your friends seriously you have to limit the list some way and so oftentimes folks just pick something to cut down on the requests. Support can become a full time job otherwise and many of us have very full lives already.

opuntia

I guess my point in replying to you is that not everyone who doesn't support chronic undereating is doing so from a judgmental standpoint. Some of us do make exceptions for people who truly are trying to be HEALTHY, not to starve themselves thin.

Is that not kind of like saying 'Hey, not all of us are judgemental of fat people - some of us make exceptions for those who are genuinely trying to be healthy and not overeat.'

I think I might feel a bit patronised if someone was 'making an exception' for me, based on how they felt I fit in with their own personal values! It's like the people who say they hate Christians but they make an exception for me because I'm different and not like all the others.

Yeah, it is like that. If someone is chronically overeating and doesn't understand why they're not losing weight, and I've offered suggestions to help them and they continually ignore me, then yeah, I'll delete them. I'm here to support people who want to get healthy, period. And I'm not going to waste my energy on someone who doesn't want my help.

My point was more about the assumption that such a statement would imply - that the default type of fat person is someone who chronically overeats and that any fat person who is trying to be healthy is the exception. In reality this site is full of fat people who are trying to get healthy - I don't think most people would see adding overweight people to their friends list as generously making an exception to a 'no fat people on my friends list' rule!

And yet your initial statement appears to be making an overall assumption that the default type of person who sometimes eats less than 1200 calories is someone who is not trying to be healthy, someone who has an eating disorder and is trying to starve themselves - and that anyone who is trying to be healthy and not trying to starve themselves is the exception to the rule! Whereas I'd suggest they are probably the vast majority on this site. There are plenty of pro ana sites for people that way inclined to join. While a few may join here, I would suggest that the vast majority of people who use a site called 'myfitnesspal' want to improve their health.

cindybickler

I just read this and I love it: You can lead a human to education, you can not make him think.

Those are the friends I let go of.

SuperSexyDork

My profile does not have the blanket 1200 calories statement but it does say this:

Please note that while I'll add anyone who sends me a request, I'm also quick to delete. I do not abide those that are into VLCDs (very low calorie diets) or those with EDs unless they are recovering and actually making strides to fix their relationship with food. Other than that I don't care what you eat.

Also, don't expect me to tell you that you're doing a great job if I don't think you are doing one or congratulate you on a great day if I can't see your diary. I have no desire to tell you how great you're doing if you could possibly only be eating 400 calories.

Also, if I end up not thinking that we're a good fit... that delete button is always there and if you're gone for more than 2 weeks without good cause, I'm pressing that delete button too. I don't think this place is a popularity contest. I want to be here to support my friends and be supported!

I really want people on my friend's list that I can connect with and support.

I also have an ED background and would like to avoid the thoughts associated with seeing someone else with an ED.

Oh and before anyone says anything, I also delete people who continually over-eat and complain about it. I also tend to delete those who eat complete crap... I don't want to feel like I have to push you to eat better all the time and you probably wouldn't appreciate me doing it anyway.

Vincentsz

Most people I know here won't friend extremes in either direction!

Fozzi43

After reading posts like these:
Ugh I ate way too much (300 cals) I fell like i should throw up
I cannot believe i ate so much today! I am a fat cow (like 800 calories)
Calorie goals around 200 a day with mostly cigs and diet soda
Seeing posts about them getting out of the hospital
much worse

Not everyone who is anorexic is 'pro ana' and not everyone who is 'pro ana' has an ED, in fact many are just trying to be (for what reasons, I'll never understand as it's a God awful disease). I have anorexia (would have said 'used to have' until a few days ago) and I've befriended different people but I keep my diary private because I would hate anybody getting ideas from me from my 'bad' days. I would never post comments like those above because they make others feel bad about themselves. I recently posted pictures but had the post removed when people started saying I looked bad. I am currently trying to keep my calorie intake at a more healthy level now but nobody here can see what my total is.
I hate the term 'pro ana' SO much. Anorexia is a psychological illness - not a lifestyle choice to be aspired to. Those who believe it is are NOT anorexic as they obviously haven't experienced what it's really like. Starving myself is easy. Eating's the hard bit

Just wanted to send you hugs xx

ahlani

vjrose, exactly.. we can decline any friend request we want regardless of our profile statements.

This profile statement is someone displaying their discrimination publicly, to me no better or worse than someone who will not accept another MFP member's friendship request on the basis of any other practiced lifestyles, race, religion or sex.

We're all here to improve our health and/or fitness lifestyles and our profiles are public in order to offer support towards those goals, otherwise we'd go private.

If you want to discriminate against any other member who might be seeking your support through a friendship request, just do it privately and stop publicly discriminating and organizing others to discriminate against those who are eating <1200. Bias is bias, whether you can get away with it legally or not.

laserturkey

I don't have a set calorie limit litmus test for friend requests, but I do look over each friend request carefully, and I will not friend someone who appears to be actively eating disordered. My reason for doing this is that my sister DIED from her anorexia back when I was a kid. I have a graduate degree in school psychology and have studied ED and understand pretty well what is at work there, but the whole issue just makes me cuh-raaaay-zee and trying to reach out and reason with people who are thinking like that and living in that unreality is too distressing. For my own mental health, I steer as clear as I can of people with eating disorders.

skonly

With all the examples of people 5 2 on here it is easy to see we all have different bodies. If I weighed 94 lbs I would be in the hospital.

Age is a factor too. Try going thru menopause early and eating like you did when you were 20. Guess what, your pants won't fit anymore. What do doctors recommend? Eating more fruits and vegetables. When you replace foods with fruits and vegetables you end up eating more and consuming less calories. It doesn't mean you are starving yourself.

People tell me I don't eat enough and then warn me of my high sugar levels. I eat fruit. I'm not going to give up fruit because of the sugar. So if a person thinks I don't eat enough why would they tell me to give up fruit? Am I supposed to replace it with some diet sugar free bar in a wrapper? No thank you, I'll stick to my fruits full of nutrients and not something made with machines. I don't even think about calories, I think about the nutrients in a food.

I use the tracker to see what I eat. My weight is going back to normal just fine without too many adjustments. I'm off therapy now and my body is leveling out. I gave up two things and my goal is to have a wider variety of veggies. God help me I have tried to eat greens and it's not working out, I don't like them. I want to add a few more veggies in daily. That's it.

No one should use the internet for counseling. I can tell a person what I think is healthy but it doesn't mean it is good for them. I don't know their medical background. And most important, I'm not a doctor!

So instead of worrying about what everyone else eats people need to worry about what they are putting in their own mouths.

lifescircle

Oh my... is this a post about choosing your friends?

Seriously... you are telling/judging/critiquing a person's choice of friends?

Oh my.

I am almost speechless. Is it not their choice who their friends are? For whatever reason, who is to question that?

I can see the original post is asking "why", out of curiosity, I would suppose... but, the thread has lead to a bit of bashing of personal choice.

For motivation and support it is quite understandable that your "friends" would be on the same path as you. And hopefully, within that you get a good mix to motivate you to your goals, whatever they may be. With all that said, here are the forums that are open to everyone so we can get a wonderful mix of people that can brighten our day, give us a laugh (when you don't take it personally), pump us up, and open our world to such variety.

vjrose

This is really funny, this seemed at the beginning to be a true question and now it is a bash folks who limit their friends list, lol. I notice some of the most biased posts against any limiting of who can send you a friends request are from folks who have recently come to MFP, I would like to see you revisit this topic (which has become bash anyone who has limits on their friends list) in 6 or 8 months and see how you feel then.

fmbomzo

I'm not sure why other people do what they do. I won't venture to guess. I do not unfriend people because they have or are recovering from an ED. I unfriend people who do not encourage my efforts to get fit and healthy as much as I support theirs. As a result, I have a small group of MFP buddies who regularly encourage me and "check" me when I eat crappy stuff or slack off on my workouts. I do the same for them. I have MFP buddies who are realistic about their health goals, who realize that we are not perfect and that this is a lifelong journey that will have its normal ups and downs.

My calorie goal on MFP is 1200 calories. I'm only 5'2" and I have about 35 more lbs to lose. I've adjusted my calorie goal up and down with various "formulas" recommended on here and it was too confusing. So I decided to simplify, do a 500-cal deficit daily and add in a minumum 250-cal workout 5-6 days per week. That is working for me. My loss is slow, but it is sticking. I enjoy my workouts and actually look forward to them. I eat fairly well and I don't fret about going over 1200 and by the same token don't freak out about being under if I've had an extreme workout. If I'm hungry, I eat. If I'm not hungry, I try not to eat (still dealing with stress eating).

CrystalDreams

I have been anorexic and bulimic. I am better now and want to be healthy more than skinny. But I still have enough guilt issues with my eating. I don't want to be reminded on here. But I will add anyone who sends a message with their request. Its if they post about how fat they are at 5 foot 8 and 130 and complain that they cant eat SO many calories, then i delete them. I dont make it a big deal though.

supplemama

People with eating disorders scare me. If I can tell upfront that someone has that destructive death-oriented mindset, I won't add them.

skonly

People with eating disorders scare me. If I can tell upfront that someone has that destructive death-oriented mindset, I won't add them.

Smart move. On FB I won't add people who are extremists on my opposite political party. I've tried and all they do is post hateful crap. If you don't like what someone does, don't let them be part of your life online or in real life.

CoderGal

Yeah, it is like that. If someone is chronically overeating and doesn't understand why they're not losing weight, and I've offered suggestions to help them and they continually ignore me, then yeah, I'll delete them. I'm here to support people who want to get healthy, period. And I'm not going to waste my energy on someone who doesn't want my help.

Exactly, but this about a flat statement discriminating against anyone eating <1200 as if everyone doing so has a mental illness or will refuse to improve their lifestyles.

I've seen this statement before, my thought is the person with that blanket statement has absolutely NO business participating in a support group for members looking to make changes to healthier lifestyles.

Frankly, if you don't want to allow those members to request friendships with you so they can follow your example.. just go Private and keep it to yourself.

That's like saying those who under eat by allot have no business participating in a support group for members looking to make changes to healthier lifestyles...I don't agree with the statement at all but for the masses 1200 is not a healthy longterm lifestyle, at least the people who eat more are participating in a support group on a healthy sustainable choice.