No Children - Lifestyle Choice

juicy_cat

Hello All...after hearing of yet another couple of friends starting a family in their late 30s/early 40's me and the other half are wondering if there is only us who don't want kids.

Any other women out there my age (41) who have never wanted children....Do you feel somehow different or selfish....? Do you get sick of people telling you there is still time, when all a long you don't care about this because you don't want them anyway? Am interested....Opinions please?? :-)

sizzle92

I do have kids but I will say, I find it to be the most unselfish thing to choose if you don't want children.

hesn92

I didn't want children but I got pregnant and I chose to keep him. He's 5 now and I don't want anymore.. People still think I'm weird for it. A lot of people tell me I will change my mind and I'm still young. I really don't think I will change my mind.....

bahacca

I have a friend who is close to 40 who has never wanted children. I just call it "Being true to YOURSELF" Parenting is freakin' HARD and if it doesn't interest you, you aren't "wired for it", you cannot afford children, or whatever else your reason(s) may be, they are YOUR reasons. I'd rather have a childless friend who has chosen to be that way than a friend who has children just because they think they "should" or to "carry on the family name" or whatever. It is a lifelong commitment of emotions, worry, money....
And I'll be honest. SOmetimes I see couples with no children and think "Hmmm. I wonder what i'd be doing now if I didn't have my girls" If you are fulfilled in your own life and don't have a desire to have kids, more power to you-DON'T!

LorinaLynn

40, married 11 years next week, no kids, no desire to have kids. Cats and a dog are enough... I just don't have any maternal instincts toward human babies.

I don't feel weird about it because I have a handful of friends who feel the same way.

I just make sure I'm a fantastic aunt to my nieces and nephews, since, as I joke, they'll be the ones picking out my nursing home when I get old.

sheleen302

I have never wanted kids, nor do I have them (48 yo). I love kids, enjoy being around them, but never felt compelled to have one. In fact my ambivalence is what lead to me to NOT have them.

SToast

Hubby and I have one child. We love him more than anything but don't want anymore. I think knowing what is right for you and going with it is the best possible thing. If you truly don't want children then you shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it. We are constantly asked when we are having more and people are shocked when we say we aren't. But other people thinking we should have more kids is NOT a good reason to have more.

Props to you for doing what you feel is right in your life!

MissJanet55

@sizzle9s, thanks for saying that. I'm 55 and never wanted children. I sometimes think not having children is the only good decision I have ever made. I like kids, I am very, very close to my niece (who is now 22), but believe I would not have been a good parent. Yet I have been told many times that my decision is selfish, and that I'm "not a real woman,"

Sometimes I wonder if people actively want to have kids or just do it because it's what people do. I like to believe people give some thought to it.

What people rarely talk about is why people choose not to have kids. Most of my childless friends grew up in very unhappy households. I certainly did, and from the age of eight told myself I would never visit that on another human being.

rml_16

I have never understood why it would be considered selfish to choose not to have children. Some people just don't want to be parents, for various reasons.

I had my daughter when I was 17 (obviously not planned). I have never had another child and I had my tubes tied last week. I'll be 26 in December. Not exactly your situation, but close. I love my daughter and would do anything for her, but I wouldn't say that my life would be less fulfilling if I'd never had children and I definitely don't want the responsibility again.

PetulantOne

I never wanted children, and didn't have a maternal bone in my body. I've never liked being around little kids. Then I found out I was pregnant. I decided to keep the baby, and still didn't have any maternal instincts. I was scared the whole time I was pregnant, because I wasn't excited at all. (Which I found out later, isn't all that uncommon) Anyway, now my son is 4 years old and I wouldn't trade him for the world. But I understand where you're coming from. I think you're more responsible for being honest with yourself!

RedHeadDevotchka

Don't want them. They're cute-ish sometimes, and I can get along great with some of them, but I don't want that responsibility for myself.

yecatsml

40, married 11 years next week, no kids, no desire to have kids. Cats and a dog are enough... I just don't have any maternal instincts toward human babies.

I don't feel weird about it because I have a handful of friends who feel the same way.

I just make sure I'm a fantastic aunt to my nieces and nephews, since, as I joke, they'll be the ones picking out my nursing home when I get old.

Exactly me! I'm 41 married 9 years yesterday and no desire for kids. We have 2 dogs and very, very active hobbies that keep us ridiculously busy.

heagler870

I really don't want children. I"m not completely closed off to the idea though. My mom always says that when I find the person that I will fall in love with that I'll change my mind. I don't know though. I just don't want to be an old fart and regret not having any kids. I was just telling someone today that if I do every have children I'll be in my 30's. I want to meet someone who has my idea, "Undecided if I truly want kids but always open to the possibility as I mature in age." I don't think it's selfish to no want kids. People who say it's selfish are stupid and are pretty selfish themselves, at least in my opinion. If you have the nerve to say I'm selfish to not want children then you are selfish for thinking I"m selfish. I think it would be selfish to have a child when you don't want that responsibility. How unfortunate to bring a child into this world when you don't want them, now that is selfish.

Also, a side note. If I were ever to have children I would rather adopt

juicy_cat

Thanks folks...NIce to know it is not just me... :-)

veganbaum

There's a nice thread on here somewhere about childless by choice women, might make you feel better to read it. Also, you could try the book The Childless Revolution, which has stories about women who chose, for various reasons, not to have children. The "it's selfish" comments are the ones I find the most downright hilarious. No one can ever adequately explain that one. The human species is not in danger of extinction due to underpopulation, and even if it was, it's still a person's choice whether or not to have children. It seems an incredibly intelligent decision to make when a person has actually reflected on having children and knows they don't want kids.

neverstray

I love my kids. But, I am not parent material. It's something that I think I knew deep inside, but didn't listen to. I should never have had children. I'm not wired for it. But, I have them, and I absolutely put 100% of my energy into being a good father.

I have a very high respect for people that listen to their inner voice telling them that being a parent is probably not a good choice. I don't think it's weird at all. In fact, I think it's probably more sane. There is a bit of evidence that suggests that wanting to have children is a form of neurosis. If you think about it long enough, it makes sense. Aside from that however, I am sometimes envious of my friends that have stayed childless by choice.

millerll

I'm 50 and childless by choice. Unlike most of you who say they like kids but just didn't want one of their own, I've NEVER liked children. Can't stand them. Noisy, smelly, messy little *kitten* factories. I truly have never had a maternal feeling at all. I'm one of those rare women who find the whole concept of pregnancy revolting. I don't think pregnant women "glow" at all - at least, not to me. Like someone already said, the human race is grossly over-populated, so I don't think my decision to abstain from parenthood is a detriment to our survival as a species. And, obviously, I'm not cut out for it.

What chaps my *kitten* are the people who tell me I'm not a "real" woman because I feel this way. Jeez, I'm not just a walking uterus. I can, and have, contributed as much, if not more, to the betterment of society than most of the self-absorbed soccer moms I know. And you never hear anyone tell a man that he's somehow defective if he doesn't want kids. Somehow, that just enhances his image as playboy or something.

I know my opinion is unpopular in our current baby-crazy culture, but at least I'm honest about it. Fortunately, I'm now at an age where people no longer nag me about when I'm going to have kids. That's a relief.

letjog

I'm 25 and won't be having children. No maternal instinct at all never have had. Just not interested. HOwever I worry about finding a man to marry with this restraint...

doublegLA

letjog, don't worry there are plenty of guys who feel that way. The older I get the more I think that way of not having kids and the benefits it can provide me in my life.

Also, miller, 50? No way

DenyseMarieL

I know a number of people, single, married, that don't have kids. I don't look at them as different, strange, weird. They just don't have kids. I don't have a cat. They don't have a dog. They live in the city. I live in the country. I am married. Some of them chose common-law. Why is it any different than any other choice? Just because a woman's body is built to have kids, doesn't mean they have to.

slrrese

I will be 50 next year and have never had children, and never wanted them. In fact, I was married at age 30 and two years later he was pressuring me to have kids. I had been honest that I didn't want them when we married, and we ended up divorced. Like many others here, I love kids, love my nieces and nephews and love my step kids, but just never wanted any for myself.

Being generous or selfish has ZERO to do with having kids. Some of the most generous people I know don't have children. In fact, the worst behaved kids I know typically have pretty selfish parents! How much generosity does it take to support step kids (kids that are not even of your own blood)? I argued with my husband as much as if they were mine over things like helping them with the purchase of their first car and paying tuition for college (both of which my husband didn't want to do).

To say someone is selfish, just because they don't want children is just not true.

juicy_cat

I'm 50 and childless by choice. Unlike most of you who say they like kids but just didn't want one of their own, I've NEVER liked children. Can't stand them. Noisy, smelly, messy little *kitten* factories. I truly have never had a maternal feeling at all. I'm one of those rare women who find the whole concept of pregnancy revolting. I don't think pregnant women "glow" at all - at least, not to me. Like someone already said, the human race is grossly over-populated, so I don't think my decision to abstain from parenthood is a detriment to our survival as a species. And, obviously, I'm not cut out for it.

What chaps my *kitten* are the people who tell me I'm not a "real" woman because I feel this way. Jeez, I'm not just a walking uterus. I can, and have, contributed as much, if not more, to the betterment of society than most of the self-absorbed soccer moms I know. And you never hear anyone tell a man that he's somehow defective if he doesn't want kids. Somehow, that just enhances his image as playboy or something.

I know my opinion is unpopular in our current baby-crazy culture, but at least I'm honest about it. Fortunately, I'm now at an age where people no longer nag me about when I'm going to have kids. That's a relief.

This pretty much sums me up too....not only do I not want them, I don't even like other peoples....I can appreciate a cute looking baby but no thanks I don't want to hold it....truthfully I like cats....ha ha!!!

lulu9663

I found an awesome childfree forum. I go there all the time.

www.thechildfreelife.com

cad39too

41 in November and never had or wanted to have children. I get the whole third degree from family and friends like I'm unnatural for not wanting children...literally I bumped into an old school friend today at the supermarket and one of her first questions was do I have any kids now. Why? :huh:

I do like kids don't get me wrong, I have eight nieces and nephews and a greatniece and I love them all dearly I just don't want any of the my own.

ElizaRoche

I dont want kids, I used to always think about babies when i was around 25, changed my mind when I had to babysit my nephew... I did since he was 2 months old, till he was about 2.5 yrs, I still babysit him once in a while (he is 3.5 now), and I love that kid, but I definitely dont want that for me 24/7.
Its the best birth control EVER!.. I kinda feel bad for my mom, cause well, she was expecting me to have kids someday!.. Sorry mom

jeannemarie333

I am 51 and do not have children; my life is very rewarding and I am happy - so love this topic - thanks for sharing

ebr250

What I never understand is why many people (who are sometimes complete strangers or mere aquaintances!) are always asking when you are going to have kids or making remarks about how many kids you will have or saying "I want babies!" Has anyone else ever experienced this? I am recently engaged, but even before I was engaged people would talk about my boyfriend and I having children. I will never have children. I don't enjoy children. My boyfriend does not want to have children. I took steps to ensure that I will never have children. It's crazy how people think nothing of commenting on something so personal. After all, what can be more intimate than producing children?!

I've found that it is best to make it known that you aren't having kids if anyone tries to force the issue on you. If they want to berate you for it, just walk away. They are obviously not the compassionate, unselfish person they believe themselves to be.

Nina2503

I have never understood why it would be considered selfish to choose not to have children. Some people just don't want to be parents, for various reasons.

I had my daughter when I was 17 (obviously not planned). I have never had another child and I had my tubes tied last week. I'll be 26 in December. Not exactly your situation, but close. I love my daughter and would do anything for her, but I wouldn't say that my life would be less fulfilling if I'd never had children and I definitely don't want the responsibility again.

Thank you for sharing, that is very similar to me except I was 18 and I paid to have mine tied at 22, as no doctor would approve at that age. My daughter is 30 now, I found the last sentence particularly poignant for me as that is how I felt one hundred percent

jennyrebekka

I am 40 and childless.......and i LOVE that i can do whatever i want to do, when i want to do it.!! I don't think this makes me selfish any more than someone who has children and talks about them all the time, posts pics of them on fb, forces their childhood dreams on the child, etc.

Between the ages of maybe 25-35 (the majority of which time i was married) is when people were brutal about it. It is the FIRST question people ask of women (Do you have kids?)......then when you say No - they feel the need to say ridiculous things (things which are actually private matters, as far as i'm concerned) like "OH?!? why NOT?!"....like you are a two headed freak or something.....and then the questions continue.......well, you could adopt, you like kids, you are not TOO old, there is still hope! The hope comment is my fav........smh.

But now that I am 40, i get those comments less and less......thankfully. And when i do get the question i just look them right in the eye and say "I DON'T LIKE KIDS!" - - it usually shuts them down...and is quite entertaining.

And the truth is.....i DO like well-mannered kids....i just like being the Auntie that can just leave and have some drinks in her own quiet home when the kids start getting annoying.

anemoneprose

Hello All...after hearing of yet another couple of friends starting a family in their late 30s/early 40's me and the other half are wondering if there is only us who don't want kids.

Any other women out there my age (41) who have never wanted children....Do you feel somehow different or selfish....? Do you get sick of people telling you there is still time, when all a long you don't care about this because you don't want them anyway? Am interested....Opinions please?? :-)

People assume others think and feel what they think and feel. Having kids is such a (statistically) normal, default life event, that not wanting to have any is unimaginable for many.

Unless someone's a jerk and actually says, 'you SHOULD want to have kids', I'm guessing they are probably well-meaning. If you figure that's true, you could just say, 'thank you for your wishes, but [and then as much detail as you want to give about your decision]'.

Taking a non-standard path in life always carries these kinds of minor social costs.

Me, 30s, meh on kids, if it happens it happens, wouldn't make choices specifically around having them. I think I'm probably too crotchety already to be available to a helpless creature, 24/7, for years and years. So much running around. Babies crying is like nails on a chalkboard. (Older kids are more fun to be around, I find.)

But babies are kind of cute, until they cry, and probably interesting as a study of human development. Some of them are funny. Am sure there's all kinds of neat things to learn about people in general, just watching one grow. But talk about costs (time, money, attention, etc) - man!

jennyrebekka

What I never understand is why many people (who are sometimes complete strangers or mere aquaintances!) are always asking when you are going to have kids or making remarks about how many kids you will have or saying "I want babies!" Has anyone else ever experienced this? I am recently engaged, but even before I was engaged people would talk about my boyfriend and I having children. I will never have children. I don't enjoy children. My boyfriend does not want to have children. I took steps to ensure that I will never have children. It's crazy how people think nothing of commenting on something so personal. After all, what can be more intimate than producing children?!

I've found that it is best to make it known that you aren't having kids if anyone tries to force the issue on you. If they want to berate you for it, just walk away. They are obviously not the compassionate, unselfish person they believe themselves to be.

It will get much worse for you after you get married ....in my opinion. So get ready for it.....and don't let their foolishness annoy you too much. People don't question societal norms as much as they should (imho)......ie you meet someone, you date, you get married, you have kids - period. Nobody even questions WHY they are doing any of those steps!

Good luck - - And congrats on the engagement!