Fiancé accused me of cheating :/

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  • ChristieNJFitnessAddict
    ChristieNJFitnessAddict Posts: 50 Member
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    Has your fiancé met your trainer? Maybe invite him to one of your sessions and then he can see for himself that you are just friends

    I really like this idea. Have him join you on a training session. He probably is really insecure because you're in shape and I don't know what his body type is. Maybe have him join you at the gym and you both get healthy together?
  • janeite1990
    janeite1990 Posts: 694 Member
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    [/quote]

    I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
    [/quote]

    This is controlling and manipulative behavior. Before you walk down the aisle, get counseling. If the insecurities don't stop, consider ending the relationship. I don't say this because he was suspicious of one thing, but because he is controlling what you wear and who you see. That's not good. Been there; done that; it won't get better on its own, no matter how much your reassure him. This is his issue. He must resolve it. Otherwise, you are in for a world of hurt.
  • dmoretti1980
    dmoretti1980 Posts: 4 Member
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    One of my good friends lost a lot of weight. Her ex-husband was trying to lose too. She kept going to the gym and lost at a much rapid pace than he did. She dropped like 150 lbs in 2 years and he got very jealous and kept accusing her of cheating, checked her phone and laptop, etc.... he was really insecure. They wound up getting divorced because of it. I think this should be a red flag for you. Be careful.

    - Dan
  • slboling
    slboling Posts: 117 Member
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    Keep showing your commitment. I agree that this is his issue to work through, but my fear is that it will continue to be an issue in your marriage and that he may feel threatened by other males. Be sure that you guys have worked through this prior to the "I do's", but working through things is what a good marriage is all about.
  • jeremyw1977
    jeremyw1977 Posts: 505 Member
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    Dump him.

    An accusation is serious and clearly shows that he does not trust you.
    Once that line is crossed, it is impossible to go back.

    Yes, dump him, because that would go such a long way to letting him know that he is wrong.:huh:
    Really?!?!

    Have you heard of a knee-jerk reaction, because your suggestion is a bit more of an overreaction.
  • faster_than_flash
    faster_than_flash Posts: 114 Member
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    note: I did not read the 15 pages of responses - so this response might be a duplicate.

    Guys get jealous.
    Girls get jealous.

    That's just how people are.

    If he is jealous - it is your job to make him feel better, more secure, and happy in the relationship. The same is true if you're feeling jealous - it is his job to make you feel better, more secure, and happy in the relationship.

    Accusing someone of cheating - is a step above jealous.

    This means - that not only did he feel jealous, he also felt a loss of trust.

    Usually - this is a buildup of problems, not just one. I would find it to be very atypical for your only fights to be about this trainer and your relationship with him.

    The way I see it - he is jealous of the trainer. There are other issues in your relationship which is putting pressure on the trust between you two. This culminated into him accusing you of cheating.


    The solution - quite simple. Tell him you aren't cheating, and that if it would help you can switch trainers. You're going to marry this guy. You don't want to be fighting. You don't want to say things like "why do you think" or "how do you know".
  • Ras_py
    Ras_py Posts: 129 Member
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    id laugh in his face. why in the world do women think its ok for men to tell them what to wear and who they can hang out with and where they can go????????

    this guy sounds like a real winner. sorry OP but you sound like a mat being walked all over on. grow some balls and tell him to go F himself. gonna guess you are young.. you will learn... no way you should marry this guy. im with the dump his *kitten* crowd.
  • Chibea
    Chibea Posts: 363 Member
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    Obviously he feels threatened by your trainer, I would suggest getting a female trainer and get him involved as well as work on communication, counselling would also work.

    I considered this, but I feel like it would be catering to his insecurities, not to mention giving up a good trainer and friend
    As I read all the responses, I notice that men have a lot of sympathy for the husband. Why? Because they know that men think about sex every 10 minutes or something crazy like that and your husband knows that your trainer is thinking that about you that way. Sure he won't act on it, but he is thinking it.
    Catering to each others insecurities is what we do in relationships!! Unconditional love means you need to accept him as he is with his insecurities! What is more important? ......, your friendship with your trainer or your relationship with your fiance? I say this from experience because my husband was just like that the first few years after we were married. It really upset me that he could even consider I would cheat! I am not that weak kind of woman - if I want someone else, I leave one and go to the other, Cheating is stupid. Anyway, I really love my husband, so I indulged him. Now, he totally trusts me and we have been very happily married for 20 years. He indulges my insecurities too, until I can work through them. Don't throw your fiance away because he's not perfect - neither are you :wink:
  • valeriebpdx
    valeriebpdx Posts: 499 Member
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    If he is jealous - it is your job to make him feel better, more secure, and happy in the relationship. The same is true if you're feeling jealous - it is his job to make you feel better, more secure, and happy in the relationship.

    I can't speak for others, but this is not the kind of relationship I would want. It's not my job to make somebody feel less insecure. It's my job to be me, and if my husband wants to live with me while I do that, great. I have male friends where there is or once was a small current of attraction, and I have male friends where there is none. Probably the same for my husband (he agrees that a man generally doesn't want to be friends with a woman he isn't interested in sleeping with, but he has several female former colleagues and a few old friends he keeps in touch with and sees periodically). Neither one of us has cheated in 20 years together because we don't do that--we know it would hurt the other person and wreck the lovely family we have. Anyone who tried to control what I wear or who I see, male or female, would be shown the door, just because I don't want to live like that.
  • grizzlywes24
    grizzlywes24 Posts: 13
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    It's also said that if they are accusing you of cheating, they in fact may be the one cheating. He shouldn't be so intimidated or Jealous by other guys. If he is 100% sure that you love him, then no man can take you from him. Jealousy leads to death of relationships. He needs to have more trust and faith in you. For without Trust, Faith, and Honesty a relationship cannot last.
  • My1985Freckles
    My1985Freckles Posts: 1,039 Member
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    WOW! This thread is still going?

    I think you should find a female PT and make your man happy. That is unless you feel your relationship isn't worth it.
  • shelbygirl444
    shelbygirl444 Posts: 10 Member
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    sounds like one of those controlling guys that wants you to only wear what HE thinks is ok and only be friends w/ ppl HE approves of. def NOT someone you want to get stuck spending the rest of your life with!
  • grizzlywes24
    grizzlywes24 Posts: 13
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    I disagree. Trust can be broken, but it also can be regained. As a child we have all done things to lose our parents trust, yet we always gain it back. I wouldn't go straight for dumping him. It's a couples job to try their best and work things out if they truly love one another as they say. Once you have tried everything and if it still doesn't work, then dump him. Also I would not switch trainers just to appease him either. Merely invite him to join you, and your trainer so that he can see for himself that it's strictly business.
  • Hksalex
    Hksalex Posts: 144 Member
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    simple solution, take him to the gym with you, let him meet your trainer.

    its always going to be like this. when its a male friends and or in my case a female friend.

    my gf gets jealous and accuses me and then i just say **** it and introduce them.

    beside the only person i cheat on her with is my beloved car ... hahah shh dont tell her :3
  • brendaj39
    brendaj39 Posts: 375 Member
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    Obviously he feels threatened by your trainer, I would suggest getting a female trainer and get him involved as well as work on communication, counselling would also work.

    I considered this, but I feel like it would be catering to his insecurities, not to mention giving up a good trainer and friend
    As I read all the responses, I notice that men have a lot of sympathy for the husband. Why? Because they know that men think about sex every 10 minutes or something crazy like that and your husband knows that your trainer is thinking that about you that way. Sure he won't act on it, but he is thinking it.
    Catering to each others insecurities is what we do in relationships!! Unconditional love means you need to accept him as he is with his insecurities! What is more important? ......, your friendship with your trainer or your relationship with your fiance? I say this from experience because my husband was just like that the first few years after we were married. It really upset me that he could even consider I would cheat! I am not that weak kind of woman - if I want someone else, I leave one and go to the other, Cheating is stupid. Anyway, I really love my husband, so I indulged him. Now, he totally trusts me and we have been very happily married for 20 years. He indulges my insecurities too, until I can work through them. Don't throw your fiance away because he's not perfect - neither are you :wink:


    no no no no no......insecurities that include accusing you SO of cheating is not love...it is control.....you should not ever have to give up being yourself because you think you love someone....jealousy and insecurity is not something you can live with happily...Jealousy is a very UGLY color on anyone!
  • Deipneus
    Deipneus Posts: 1,862 Member
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    From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.

    Just this guy's perspective.
    I can have female friends and I do, but I had to cut off contact with two of them because their husbands couldn't handle it. We're talking about women who now live in other STATES.
  • nikbolok
    nikbolok Posts: 107 Member
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    I didn't read all of the other posts on the matter, but this does sound like a clear case of insecurity ~ you are at the gym, training, getting yourself in shape, fit, hot..... he jealous. I feel like this could go either way depending on how long you guys have been together ~ the longer you've been, the more likely it is just an isolated incident and maybe possible of a sit down and talk. Shorter time together, may be signs of things to come (continued jealousy and mistrust). You only know what is the right way to deal with the situation, take everyone's advice and draw out the things you feel may work. Good luck, and I'm sorry this happened :(
  • fallonrhea
    fallonrhea Posts: 388 Member
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    Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change. :)

    Good luck!

    x

    I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though

    This sounds like an extremely intelligent idea. I think that would be best for both of you. Usually issues with trust stem from an individuals own insecurities. Bringing those insecurities to the surface not only will help your fiance deal with the issues he is most likely having, it will also bring you two closer together in that you both will be able to tackle these issues as a unit. I think one of the most important components to a relationship is communication - and this would allow you to do this in a controlled setting with a mediator who has been trained to direct the conversation in a way that will be helpful to you both.

    My only recommendation is to make sure that you both agree that the therapist you choose to see is the right one for you two as a couple. Even if it takes some shopping around, therapy is most effective when you both feel comfortable opening up to the person you're seeing.
  • FirstLadySmalls
    FirstLadySmalls Posts: 7 Member
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    I think it would be best to do some counseling now because if he continues like he's going there will NEVER be any closure and he'll continously do the same thing. It's almost sounds like now that youre getting in shape & looking well, he's feeling insecure. If that's the case why not just come join you and do it together. I wouldn't say dump him, but just try to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if it's salvagable. Good Luck!!
  • GMAdam
    GMAdam Posts: 1
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    This is probably a day late and a dollar short. For whatever it's worth:

    We as individuals all have things that give us security and adversely cause insecurity. The most obvious is to address the insecurity as best you can. However insecurities can take center stage when something in the relationship that gives security changes. Try to address the problem while strengthen something that will give security to the relationship as well. Success will be the two of you deciding what that is and how it plays out.

    I commend you for staying committed to the relationship and seeking to fix problems instead of jumping ship at any sign of turbulence.

    Good Luck,

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