Fiancé accused me of cheating :/
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Has your fiancé met your trainer? Maybe invite him to one of your sessions and then he can see for himself that you are just friends
I really like this idea. Have him join you on a training session. He probably is really insecure because you're in shape and I don't know what his body type is. Maybe have him join you at the gym and you both get healthy together?0 -
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I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
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This is controlling and manipulative behavior. Before you walk down the aisle, get counseling. If the insecurities don't stop, consider ending the relationship. I don't say this because he was suspicious of one thing, but because he is controlling what you wear and who you see. That's not good. Been there; done that; it won't get better on its own, no matter how much your reassure him. This is his issue. He must resolve it. Otherwise, you are in for a world of hurt.0 -
One of my good friends lost a lot of weight. Her ex-husband was trying to lose too. She kept going to the gym and lost at a much rapid pace than he did. She dropped like 150 lbs in 2 years and he got very jealous and kept accusing her of cheating, checked her phone and laptop, etc.... he was really insecure. They wound up getting divorced because of it. I think this should be a red flag for you. Be careful.
- Dan0 -
Keep showing your commitment. I agree that this is his issue to work through, but my fear is that it will continue to be an issue in your marriage and that he may feel threatened by other males. Be sure that you guys have worked through this prior to the "I do's", but working through things is what a good marriage is all about.0
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Dump him.
An accusation is serious and clearly shows that he does not trust you.
Once that line is crossed, it is impossible to go back.
Yes, dump him, because that would go such a long way to letting him know that he is wrong.:huh:
Really?!?!
Have you heard of a knee-jerk reaction, because your suggestion is a bit more of an overreaction.0 -
note: I did not read the 15 pages of responses - so this response might be a duplicate.
Guys get jealous.
Girls get jealous.
That's just how people are.
If he is jealous - it is your job to make him feel better, more secure, and happy in the relationship. The same is true if you're feeling jealous - it is his job to make you feel better, more secure, and happy in the relationship.
Accusing someone of cheating - is a step above jealous.
This means - that not only did he feel jealous, he also felt a loss of trust.
Usually - this is a buildup of problems, not just one. I would find it to be very atypical for your only fights to be about this trainer and your relationship with him.
The way I see it - he is jealous of the trainer. There are other issues in your relationship which is putting pressure on the trust between you two. This culminated into him accusing you of cheating.
The solution - quite simple. Tell him you aren't cheating, and that if it would help you can switch trainers. You're going to marry this guy. You don't want to be fighting. You don't want to say things like "why do you think" or "how do you know".0 -
id laugh in his face. why in the world do women think its ok for men to tell them what to wear and who they can hang out with and where they can go????????
this guy sounds like a real winner. sorry OP but you sound like a mat being walked all over on. grow some balls and tell him to go F himself. gonna guess you are young.. you will learn... no way you should marry this guy. im with the dump his *kitten* crowd.0 -
As I read all the responses, I notice that men have a lot of sympathy for the husband. Why? Because they know that men think about sex every 10 minutes or something crazy like that and your husband knows that your trainer is thinking that about you that way. Sure he won't act on it, but he is thinking it.Obviously he feels threatened by your trainer, I would suggest getting a female trainer and get him involved as well as work on communication, counselling would also work.
I considered this, but I feel like it would be catering to his insecurities, not to mention giving up a good trainer and friend
Catering to each others insecurities is what we do in relationships!! Unconditional love means you need to accept him as he is with his insecurities! What is more important? ......, your friendship with your trainer or your relationship with your fiance? I say this from experience because my husband was just like that the first few years after we were married. It really upset me that he could even consider I would cheat! I am not that weak kind of woman - if I want someone else, I leave one and go to the other, Cheating is stupid. Anyway, I really love my husband, so I indulged him. Now, he totally trusts me and we have been very happily married for 20 years. He indulges my insecurities too, until I can work through them. Don't throw your fiance away because he's not perfect - neither are you
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If he is jealous - it is your job to make him feel better, more secure, and happy in the relationship. The same is true if you're feeling jealous - it is his job to make you feel better, more secure, and happy in the relationship.
I can't speak for others, but this is not the kind of relationship I would want. It's not my job to make somebody feel less insecure. It's my job to be me, and if my husband wants to live with me while I do that, great. I have male friends where there is or once was a small current of attraction, and I have male friends where there is none. Probably the same for my husband (he agrees that a man generally doesn't want to be friends with a woman he isn't interested in sleeping with, but he has several female former colleagues and a few old friends he keeps in touch with and sees periodically). Neither one of us has cheated in 20 years together because we don't do that--we know it would hurt the other person and wreck the lovely family we have. Anyone who tried to control what I wear or who I see, male or female, would be shown the door, just because I don't want to live like that.0 -
It's also said that if they are accusing you of cheating, they in fact may be the one cheating. He shouldn't be so intimidated or Jealous by other guys. If he is 100% sure that you love him, then no man can take you from him. Jealousy leads to death of relationships. He needs to have more trust and faith in you. For without Trust, Faith, and Honesty a relationship cannot last.0
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WOW! This thread is still going?
I think you should find a female PT and make your man happy. That is unless you feel your relationship isn't worth it.0 -
sounds like one of those controlling guys that wants you to only wear what HE thinks is ok and only be friends w/ ppl HE approves of. def NOT someone you want to get stuck spending the rest of your life with!0
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I disagree. Trust can be broken, but it also can be regained. As a child we have all done things to lose our parents trust, yet we always gain it back. I wouldn't go straight for dumping him. It's a couples job to try their best and work things out if they truly love one another as they say. Once you have tried everything and if it still doesn't work, then dump him. Also I would not switch trainers just to appease him either. Merely invite him to join you, and your trainer so that he can see for himself that it's strictly business.0
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simple solution, take him to the gym with you, let him meet your trainer.
its always going to be like this. when its a male friends and or in my case a female friend.
my gf gets jealous and accuses me and then i just say **** it and introduce them.
beside the only person i cheat on her with is my beloved car ... hahah shh dont tell her
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As I read all the responses, I notice that men have a lot of sympathy for the husband. Why? Because they know that men think about sex every 10 minutes or something crazy like that and your husband knows that your trainer is thinking that about you that way. Sure he won't act on it, but he is thinking it.Obviously he feels threatened by your trainer, I would suggest getting a female trainer and get him involved as well as work on communication, counselling would also work.
I considered this, but I feel like it would be catering to his insecurities, not to mention giving up a good trainer and friend
Catering to each others insecurities is what we do in relationships!! Unconditional love means you need to accept him as he is with his insecurities! What is more important? ......, your friendship with your trainer or your relationship with your fiance? I say this from experience because my husband was just like that the first few years after we were married. It really upset me that he could even consider I would cheat! I am not that weak kind of woman - if I want someone else, I leave one and go to the other, Cheating is stupid. Anyway, I really love my husband, so I indulged him. Now, he totally trusts me and we have been very happily married for 20 years. He indulges my insecurities too, until I can work through them. Don't throw your fiance away because he's not perfect - neither are you
no no no no no......insecurities that include accusing you SO of cheating is not love...it is control.....you should not ever have to give up being yourself because you think you love someone....jealousy and insecurity is not something you can live with happily...Jealousy is a very UGLY color on anyone!0 -
I can have female friends and I do, but I had to cut off contact with two of them because their husbands couldn't handle it. We're talking about women who now live in other STATES.From my POV; there's very few instances whereby a male and female can be good friends without there being some kind of interest beyond friendship from one party or the other. Being concerned/jealous could be an entirely rational reaction if you guys have argued or anything at all recently, though flat accusing you of cheating is a little extreme.
Just this guy's perspective.0 -
I didn't read all of the other posts on the matter, but this does sound like a clear case of insecurity ~ you are at the gym, training, getting yourself in shape, fit, hot..... he jealous. I feel like this could go either way depending on how long you guys have been together ~ the longer you've been, the more likely it is just an isolated incident and maybe possible of a sit down and talk. Shorter time together, may be signs of things to come (continued jealousy and mistrust). You only know what is the right way to deal with the situation, take everyone's advice and draw out the things you feel may work. Good luck, and I'm sorry this happened
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Sorry to hear. Would be great for both of you to sit down with a mediator/counsellor to ensure you're both communicating effectively and understanding one another's feelings and concerns (it will cause more problems longterm if you let this fester). Then you can make a plan to work on the issues underlying those feelings. There will always be things both you and he can do to solidify the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work. Imagine if we never took a car to a mechanic? It would break down pretty fast. So sounds like it's time for you guys to have a little tune up and oil change.
Good luck!
x
I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
This sounds like an extremely intelligent idea. I think that would be best for both of you. Usually issues with trust stem from an individuals own insecurities. Bringing those insecurities to the surface not only will help your fiance deal with the issues he is most likely having, it will also bring you two closer together in that you both will be able to tackle these issues as a unit. I think one of the most important components to a relationship is communication - and this would allow you to do this in a controlled setting with a mediator who has been trained to direct the conversation in a way that will be helpful to you both.
My only recommendation is to make sure that you both agree that the therapist you choose to see is the right one for you two as a couple. Even if it takes some shopping around, therapy is most effective when you both feel comfortable opening up to the person you're seeing.0 -
I think it would be best to do some counseling now because if he continues like he's going there will NEVER be any closure and he'll continously do the same thing. It's almost sounds like now that youre getting in shape & looking well, he's feeling insecure. If that's the case why not just come join you and do it together. I wouldn't say dump him, but just try to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if it's salvagable. Good Luck!!0
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This is probably a day late and a dollar short. For whatever it's worth:
We as individuals all have things that give us security and adversely cause insecurity. The most obvious is to address the insecurity as best you can. However insecurities can take center stage when something in the relationship that gives security changes. Try to address the problem while strengthen something that will give security to the relationship as well. Success will be the two of you deciding what that is and how it plays out.
I commend you for staying committed to the relationship and seeking to fix problems instead of jumping ship at any sign of turbulence.
Good Luck,0 -
In this case, his insecurity seems to be stemming from nowhere. But maybe there is more to the story. Is there anything major that has changed recently? Have you gotten in much better shape, leaving your fiancé feeling negative about his own self image? Or have you told him any compliments that your trainer has given you that, to your fiancé, may make it seem like the trainer was hitting on you? Not that those things should elicit the response of "YOU MUST BE CHEATING ON ME!" . . . but I can see how, with some guys, it might.
Before I got with my boyfriend (we've been together 4+ years now), we had a mutual friend who was nothing short of in love with me, and everyone knew it. But the guy who was in love with me was also a very close family friend I'd known well since I was 12, so I made it clear to him that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything more than friendship, and his obsession with me didn't bother me too much (except when he had stuff like "Rachel Appreciation Day" and spent around a thousand dollars giving me presents for no reason; that was over the line!) . . . Over the years, the obsessive things slowed down, and every once in a while, the friend would still tell me he'd always love me or something, but we functioned solely as friends, going out for lunch or drinks, hiking, movies, etc.-- stuff I'd do with my girl friends! But my boyfriend got sick of it, especially because he had heard the friend say things about me for years when I wasn't present, asking all the guys for advice about how to "get" me. I know I want to be with my boyfriend forever. We probably won't get married for at least another couple years, but we know we're planning a future together.
So my point is this: about 8 months ago, I ended up telling the friend that I can't hang out with him alone anymore. I know it really hurt his feelings, but since he still admitted that he was in love with me, he couldn't really argue. I know my boyfriend trusts me, but, in his words, he doesn't trust my friend. It makes me mad, because we share so many interests and so much history, and sometimes I just want to call up my friend and go have lunch or something. But I told him I'd love to hang out in a group any time; we share a lot of mutual friends and they're always celebrating someone's birthday, going swimming, to bars, or whatever in big groups. And yet my friend has rarely invited me to a group event. This tells me that maybe my boyfriend was right to be jealous. He could sense something I couldn't. And, to be honest, the few times I've been much too drunk around my Friend, he did try to kiss me, etc., even though I was NOT having it. Awkward.
When you get serious with someone, having guy friends IS much more difficult, and sometimes you have to make sacrifices. But your trainer should not be one of the people you need to sacrifice, unless he really has done or said something "over the line." Let your fiancé know that you care about his opinion. Ask him specifics as to why he feels this way. He could really have his own problem and is trying to get out of the relationship by blaming you for something that never happened. I wish you the best of luck, and, if all works out, just try to be a little more cautious with males in the future; in my opinion, for a healthy relationship, you do have to tone down anything that could be read as flirting with others, but that doesn't mean you have to cut key people out of your life!0 -
I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
Signs of an Abusive Relationship
* Accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others or accuse you of cheating on them.
* Tell you how to dress or act.
More signs: http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/red-flags-for-abusive-relationships/
Please look over the list to be sure your relationship is a safe one.0 -
Yeah yeah you all so sure of your cases huh, ive seen a bunch of gyms and always observe my surroundings and pretty much all male trainer fooled around with the females, even the guys who were in relationships and looked really honost and trustworthy messed with girls.
Just tell your coach your not interested in friendly contact besides doing his job in the gym, don't listen too the male turts here because already i saw a couple comments that showed how sneaky most men are. Now what's the big deal to tell your coach that? Who is more important, if i wouldt have been with my soulmate i would break any contact with anyone if it would trouble her but i wouldt do that for just someone ofcourse
Because, from my point of view the decision doesn't look like this
Keep trainer/get rid of trainer
It looks like this
Keep right to make own choices/ forgo right to make own choices
If you're at that point with your fiancé, you need to either set him straight quickly or let him go. Doesn't sound like a best friend to me.0 -
I for one (and am sure I'm not the only one) recommend pre-marital counseling. My wife an I had many of these same issues, just reversed leading up to our marriage. I found out that 1.) yes, she did have some insecurities; but 2.) to an extent I was feeding them.
Mine wasn't a personal trainer issue, but I worked in a CPA firm which was made up of about 80% young, professional, smart and mostly beautiful women. The nature of my work required long hours at the office as well as business travel that would take me out of town for weeks at a time (only returning home on the weekends).
All of this indeed cause my wife's mind to turn to unsavory thoughts....is he really just "working late" again or does he just have one of those little hotties in his office? Is he really off on another business trip or is taking a little vacation with some little 23 year old starting professional?
These accusations really frustrated me, and I simply couldn't understand where she was coming from until we got into counseling. The first thing this did was open up a new line of communication. We both found out that we weren't really talking to each other, we were talking at each other and both of us were being dismissive of the other. Once this line of communication was opened I found out:
1.) part of the problem she was having was that when I would come home at night or after a trip I was so burnt out and tired that all I wanted to do was veg out. We weren't going out and doing fun things anymore and she felt as though I was dissengaged from the relationship. In reality, I was just tired and burnt...but I realized that I needed to balance my professional life and my personal life and give her the time and effort she deserved.
2.) It really bothered her when I would go on and on about one of my collegues or the other. She described it as drooling over these ladies. The reality was that a handfull of my collegues (that happened to be women) stimulated me intellectually. My wife has never had much interest in my going on and on about debits and credits and GAAP and GASB or any of the other nerdy accounting things I'm into. My collegues on the other hand were obviously in the same business and we could go on about some new accounting standard all day long and it was fun. It was ultimately determined that I should focus my conversations with my wife (then girlfriend) on things that involve us, we, and our lives and futures and not so much on how exciting it was to talk to "Sarah" this morning about the new SEC rules going into effect for the next calendar year.
3.) there was one particular woman I worked with that really made my wife think I was up to something. It's kind of interesting to look back at now because we are all good friends now and she and her husband come over to the house regularly for dinner. Not the case 9 years ago....she was one in particular that I would come home and say, "guess what she did today."...at which point my wife would roll her eyes and I'd get that, "probably gave you a BJ in your office" look. Reality was that she was my "nerd nemesis"...my accounting intellectual equal and we were both highly competitive and would go at it like were were in the nerd olympics or something. Things finally changed the first time I invited her and her husband over for dinner (he was actually having much the same concerns). As my wife and her husband watched us spar over the true intent of GASB 34 and SAS 99, all became clear to both of them...we were just a couple of dorks and we were the only ones who could stand each other's nerdy drivel and comprehend it.
At anyrate, counseling and open communication really does help and my wife and I are stronger than we would have ever been without it and enjoy an awesome relationship now that would have most likely otherwise been mired in mis-trust and false accusations.
You are a rare gem and all kinds of awesome. Your wife it lucky to have you. ^___^0 -
You didn't say you haven't....just pointing that out.0
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Obviously he feels threatened by your trainer, I would suggest getting a female trainer and get him involved as well as work on communication, counselling would also work.
I considered this, but I feel like it would be catering to his insecurities, not to mention giving up a good trainer and friend
I agree. Maybe invite your trainer and his girlfriend over? That way they can meet them. Accusing someone of cheating is pretty bad.0 -
I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though
I think it is a little disturbing that he is insecure about you with other men, has an opinion about what you wear, and is concerned about you going out. These are all serious red flags and reflect an underlying problem. Counseling is definitely advised so that you both can address what is really going on with him. It may be nothing, but having been in a very controlling relationship, and then meeting people who have been in similar, the one common thread was the insecurity in all the things you have mentioned above.
If he loves you, he will be willing to go to counseling to address these issues. Also, as a 'newly' single person I do realize that there are very many married and engaged women who don't seem to be interested in being faithful to anyone but themselves. He might have seen his friends go through that. Either way, it needs to be addressed or you will end up really miserable.0 -
Has your fiancé met your trainer? Maybe invite him to one of your sessions and then he can see for himself that you are just friends
He's met him quite a few times..
Honey, I know this is really hard. I'm sure it's really hard on your fiance as well. I have never been the jealous type, but in one long-term (3+ years) relationship in my younger days, I was VERY insecure about my then-boyfriend. He had tons of female friends and swore up and down that nothing was happening with any of them. While he might have been somewhat flirtatious by nature, looking back I realized I really had no basis to believe that he was cheating. However, it put a HUGE strain on our relationship because I was always accusing, he was always denying, and I never believed him. Thankfully he never gave in and overcompensated to placate me because I'm not sure what that would have accomplished!
In the end, we both realized that as much as we loved each other, we clearly weren't meant to be together if he wanted to be his flirtatious self and I was not confident enough in myself and or relationship to understand that flirting didn't mean he was cheating on me. Of course that was not the only reason we split, but when he got in touch with me a few months after our break-up to return some of my stuff, he started crossing that flirtation line with me - and I knew he already had a new girlfriend by that point. It was like the light bulb over my head went on. I saw it from an outside perspective and understood that even if he was in a relationship he was still going to flirt, which made me so glad I was no longer with him because I find it disrespectful. (For the record, I shut down his flirtation pronto.)
Long story short, your fiance's accusation is stemming from some sort of insecurity about your relationship, assuming he has no real reason to believe you would actually be cheating. I assume that since you are engaged, this really is a serious relationship that you want to save, so you need to talk this out - maybe not in a day, a week, or a month, but over time - and/or seek counseling.
ETA that my ex was big into the bar scene and going out with friends, whereas I was more of a homebody. I felt like he wanted one of the "bar chicks" rather than dependable old me. He wasn't going to stop going out to placate me, and I wasn't about to tire myself out pretending to be into the bar scene. We just shouldn't have been together, I guess!0 -
He might not have a problem with you being friends with a your trainer/other males, but maybe how you act around them. Yes, trust is important, but If you come across as flirtatious it is easy to see why he might not be comfortable. If you are married, your marriage comes before your male friendships. Like they say, affairs don't start in the bedroom.0
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I know a lot of people have commented but I will give my opinion because sometimes multiple opinions help you sort through your own ideas of the situation even if you do not agree with my opinion. Here's something no human can ignore. We are animals and natural males are somewhat territorial even if they do not admit they have these feelings, I can assure you most men do. Now its up to the individual man and his level of maturity how he handles these thoughts and feelings. I.E. how far has his mental progression come in suppressing his more primitive natures. With out knowing how you guys interact on a day to day basis or any of your past history it would be unwise to tell you to dump him especially if you guys have a significant history together. I would suggest asking him questions and talking to him about it. Ask why it is exactly he feels that way. Maybe he feels you have drifted apart, maybe he feels like he is loosing you or something along those lines. However, I do believe that communication between the two of you is paramount but sometimes its hard to talk to one in an objective way and without letting emotions take over, and all the emotion could be coming from one party but that is like talking to a 7 year old throwing a temper tantrum. I would suggest, if you care about solving this fast and in a civil manor that you maybe attend a few counseling session if only to learn to communicate. But then again you may communicate just fine (not really though if your seeking advice from this site)... 0
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