Fiancé accused me of cheating :/

I am considering counselling. He can be really insecure about other men/what I wear/me going out and it's starting to take its toll. This is the first time he has outright accused me of being unfaithful though

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

* Accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others or accuse you of cheating on them.
* Tell you how to dress or act.

More signs: http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/index.php/dating-violence/red-flags-for-abusive-relationships/

Please look over the list to be sure your relationship is a safe one.

I for one (and am sure I'm not the only one) recommend pre-marital counseling. My wife an I had many of these same issues, just reversed leading up to our marriage. I found out that 1.) yes, she did have some insecurities; but 2.) to an extent I was feeding them.

Mine wasn't a personal trainer issue, but I worked in a CPA firm which was made up of about 80% young, professional, smart and mostly beautiful women. The nature of my work required long hours at the office as well as business travel that would take me out of town for weeks at a time (only returning home on the weekends).

All of this indeed cause my wife's mind to turn to unsavory thoughts....is he really just "working late" again or does he just have one of those little hotties in his office? Is he really off on another business trip or is taking a little vacation with some little 23 year old starting professional?

These accusations really frustrated me, and I simply couldn't understand where she was coming from until we got into counseling. The first thing this did was open up a new line of communication. We both found out that we weren't really talking to each other, we were talking at each other and both of us were being dismissive of the other. Once this line of communication was opened I found out:

1.) part of the problem she was having was that when I would come home at night or after a trip I was so burnt out and tired that all I wanted to do was veg out. We weren't going out and doing fun things anymore and she felt as though I was dissengaged from the relationship. In reality, I was just tired and burnt...but I realized that I needed to balance my professional life and my personal life and give her the time and effort she deserved.

2.) It really bothered her when I would go on and on about one of my collegues or the other. She described it as drooling over these ladies. The reality was that a handfull of my collegues (that happened to be women) stimulated me intellectually. My wife has never had much interest in my going on and on about debits and credits and GAAP and GASB or any of the other nerdy accounting things I'm into. My collegues on the other hand were obviously in the same business and we could go on about some new accounting standard all day long and it was fun. It was ultimately determined that I should focus my conversations with my wife (then girlfriend) on things that involve us, we, and our lives and futures and not so much on how exciting it was to talk to "Sarah" this morning about the new SEC rules going into effect for the next calendar year.

3.) there was one particular woman I worked with that really made my wife think I was up to something. It's kind of interesting to look back at now because we are all good friends now and she and her husband come over to the house regularly for dinner. Not the case 9 years ago....she was one in particular that I would come home and say, "guess what she did today."...at which point my wife would roll her eyes and I'd get that, "probably gave you a BJ in your office" look. Reality was that she was my "nerd nemesis"...my accounting intellectual equal and we were both highly competitive and would go at it like were were in the nerd olympics or something. Things finally changed the first time I invited her and her husband over for dinner (he was actually having much the same concerns). As my wife and her husband watched us spar over the true intent of GASB 34 and SAS 99, all became clear to both of them...we were just a couple of dorks and we were the only ones who could stand each other's nerdy drivel and comprehend it.

At anyrate, counseling and open communication really does help and my wife and I are stronger than we would have ever been without it and enjoy an awesome relationship now that would have most likely otherwise been mired in mis-trust and false accusations.

You are a rare gem and all kinds of awesome. Your wife it lucky to have you. ^___^

Obviously he feels threatened by your trainer, I would suggest getting a female trainer and get him involved as well as work on communication, counselling would also work.

I considered this, but I feel like it would be catering to his insecurities, not to mention giving up a good trainer and friend

I agree. Maybe invite your trainer and his girlfriend over? That way they can meet them. Accusing someone of cheating is pretty bad.

Has your fiancé met your trainer? Maybe invite him to one of your sessions and then he can see for himself that you are just friends

He's met him quite a few times..

Honey, I know this is really hard. I'm sure it's really hard on your fiance as well. I have never been the jealous type, but in one long-term (3+ years) relationship in my younger days, I was VERY insecure about my then-boyfriend. He had tons of female friends and swore up and down that nothing was happening with any of them. While he might have been somewhat flirtatious by nature, looking back I realized I really had no basis to believe that he was cheating. However, it put a HUGE strain on our relationship because I was always accusing, he was always denying, and I never believed him. Thankfully he never gave in and overcompensated to placate me because I'm not sure what that would have accomplished!

In the end, we both realized that as much as we loved each other, we clearly weren't meant to be together if he wanted to be his flirtatious self and I was not confident enough in myself and or relationship to understand that flirting didn't mean he was cheating on me. Of course that was not the only reason we split, but when he got in touch with me a few months after our break-up to return some of my stuff, he started crossing that flirtation line with me - and I knew he already had a new girlfriend by that point. It was like the light bulb over my head went on. I saw it from an outside perspective and understood that even if he was in a relationship he was still going to flirt, which made me so glad I was no longer with him because I find it disrespectful. (For the record, I shut down his flirtation pronto.)

Long story short, your fiance's accusation is stemming from some sort of insecurity about your relationship, assuming he has no real reason to believe you would actually be cheating. I assume that since you are engaged, this really is a serious relationship that you want to save, so you need to talk this out - maybe not in a day, a week, or a month, but over time - and/or seek counseling.

ETA that my ex was big into the bar scene and going out with friends, whereas I was more of a homebody. I felt like he wanted one of the "bar chicks" rather than dependable old me. He wasn't going to stop going out to placate me, and I wasn't about to tire myself out pretending to be into the bar scene. We just shouldn't have been together, I guess!

I know a lot of people have commented but I will give my opinion because sometimes multiple opinions help you sort through your own ideas of the situation even if you do not agree with my opinion. Here's something no human can ignore. We are animals and natural males are somewhat territorial even if they do not admit they have these feelings, I can assure you most men do. Now its up to the individual man and his level of maturity how he handles these thoughts and feelings. I.E. how far has his mental progression come in suppressing his more primitive natures. With out knowing how you guys interact on a day to day basis or any of your past history it would be unwise to tell you to dump him especially if you guys have a significant history together. I would suggest asking him questions and talking to him about it. Ask why it is exactly he feels that way. Maybe he feels you have drifted apart, maybe he feels like he is loosing you or something along those lines. However, I do believe that communication between the two of you is paramount but sometimes its hard to talk to one in an objective way and without letting emotions take over, and all the emotion could be coming from one party but that is like talking to a 7 year old throwing a temper tantrum. I would suggest, if you care about solving this fast and in a civil manor that you maybe attend a few counseling session if only to learn to communicate. But then again you may communicate just fine (not really though if your seeking advice from this site)...

It boils down to who is more important to you: your fiancee or your trainer.

GIVE UP THE F#CKING TRAINER! CHANGE GYMS!

Doing this will reassure your finance that he is the most important man in your life. It will not escalate his insecurity - the people who think this are idiots, really.

I take it you're the idiot who hasn't been in an abusive relationship. I have, and she is describing a situation that goes further than just the trainer, it extends to what she is wearing when the two of them are out together, when men look at her when she goes out, etc. So this idiot has some experience with it, experience with someone who regularly kicked the **** out of me emotionally in this way, threatened my life after I left him, and the statistics of women who are beaten and eventually killed by men like this are sobering.

Ha! If I'm the IDIOT, then why am I the one that hasn't been in an abusive relationship? Any person with two brain cells can tell the difference between a person who is rightfully cautious about their SO's other relationships passing into the 'affair' territory and someone who is abusive. It's easy enough to call someone names when you're hiding behind a keyboard, isn't it?

This woman has added information during the thread to JUSTIFY her wanting to keep her relationship with her trainer, not with her fiance. Her original post has to do with her fiance's reaction to her relationship with her trainer. If the other behaviors were so bad in the first place she should have included the information in the OP.

She should do them both a favor and break it off with her fiance if it's too hard to consider changing gyms. Otherwise she is likely to slide into a relationship with her trainer and break up his relationship too!

People ~ who is more important in your life, someone who you are thinking of spending your life with or some casual 'hired friend', which is all a personal trainer really is?

SHEESH! You can give people good advice, but they'll still make bad choices.

Not everyone is your ex-whomever that you had such a bad time with.

You don't have a life outside the kitchen do you?

Not trying to rude but my husband is my partner in life not the sun for which all things revolve around.

Not wanting to give up on a friend who is also a trainer is NOT a crime against matrimony.

Relax. Damn.

He might not have a problem with you being friends with a your trainer/other males, but maybe how you act around them. Yes, trust is important, but If you come across as flirtatious it is easy to see why he might not be comfortable. If you are married, your marriage comes before your male friendships. Like they say, affairs don't start in the bedroom.

Um...flirtation happens between people of the same and opposite gender - it is kind of the grease that turns the wheel - it is often called charm. I get what you are saying but this is a bit victim blamy for my taste.

Without replying here I am sure the OP knows if her behaviour has crossed a line or not - everyone, in their heart of hearts knows when something is too beyond the line and what constitutes a betrayal...when that happens it is usually a question of either stopping because you care about not damaging your relationship or proceeding because you don't.

One thing the OP did say that I think my be the central issue - she shares quite of few interests and hobbies in common with the trainer - and if this is not the case with her fiance then perhaps that is the root of the problem. Maybe finding an activity that both of you can do (and I don't me an interest but an activity - like learning to dance, walking, hiking, climbing or biking) could help make him feel like you both have some common ground.

Also, something I find true in my relationship with my husband is that I am able to shoot the breeze with guys at the gym in a way I can't with him. The simple reason? They are kind of meaningless to me and so I can just talk about anything and it has no back story, no energy beyond what we are saying and no true investment - whereas when I talk to my husband it is usually far more meaningful and thus gets invested with all sorts of extra stuff - our feelings are engaged and we are invested in each other thus our conversation takes on a lot more value. This is why when someone on the street calls you a name you think 'whatever' but when your partner does it you loose your nut and it really hurts if it is a negative comment.

^ Beautiful! And it is basically what OP said, conversations with the trainer are the kind you'd have with a buddy no emotions attached. I have been in this situation before being in love with someone who has little to no hobbies in common and having a best friend (male) who was into everything I was into. It made our relationship hard in the beginning but we worked through it ( we ended up parting ways for different reasons). With all that said and done, I think that is what it boils down to starting some new hobbies together and talk it out. But dont give up who you are.

It boils down to who is more important to you: your fiancee or your trainer.

GIVE UP THE F#CKING TRAINER! CHANGE GYMS!

Doing this will reassure your finance that he is the most important man in your life. It will not escalate his insecurity - the people who think this are idiots, really.

I take it you're the idiot who hasn't been in an abusive relationship. I have, and she is describing a situation that goes further than just the trainer, it extends to what she is wearing when the two of them are out together, when men look at her when she goes out, etc. So this idiot has some experience with it, experience with someone who regularly kicked the **** out of me emotionally in this way, threatened my life after I left him, and the statistics of women who are beaten and eventually killed by men like this are sobering.

Ha! If I'm the IDIOT, then why am I the one that hasn't been in an abusive relationship? Any person with two brain cells can tell the difference between a person who is rightfully cautious about their SO's other relationships passing into the 'affair' territory and someone who is abusive. It's easy enough to call someone names when you're hiding behind a keyboard, isn't it?

This woman has added information during the thread to JUSTIFY her wanting to keep her relationship with her trainer, not with her fiance. Her original post has to do with her fiance's reaction to her relationship with her trainer. If the other behaviors were so bad in the first place she should have included the information in the OP.

She should do them both a favor and break it off with her fiance if it's too hard to consider changing gyms. Otherwise she is likely to slide into a relationship with her trainer and break up his relationship too!

People ~ who is more important in your life, someone who you are thinking of spending your life with or some casual 'hired friend', which is all a personal trainer really is?

SHEESH! You can give people good advice, but they'll still make bad choices.

Not everyone is your ex-whomever that you had such a bad time with.

Congrats on your good fortune...although, based on your posts, I'd guess that you're the controlling/abusive partner. Your posts are completely insensitive, disrespectful, closed-minded, rude, and bossy. My parents both have friends of the opposite sex, and neither one has felt the need to try to CONTROL the other one by saying, "you can't do that" -- and you know why? Because there are people who don't look at every male-female relationship as an opportunity to get laid, and there are people who care enough about their relationship/commitment to say "no" if they do get an offer for anything more. They've been married 10 years longer than you claim to have been, with no incidents of cheating, so it just goes to show that your way is NOT the only way, no matter how strongly you claim it is.

You say, "[a]ny person with two brain cells can tell the difference between a person who is rightfully cautious about their SO's other relationships passing into the 'affair' territory and someone who is abusive" - which indicates that either you only have one brain cell, or you have so many brain cells that they got over-crowded, suffocated, and died. Of course I mean no offense...it's just that you very obviously CANNOT tell the difference between a rightfully-cautious S.O. and controlling/abusive behavior. But don't give up on yourself; sometime's it's a very fine line between "afraid of being hurt, very cautious" and "going to make the rest of your life a nightmare."

First of all, although we're only hearing one side of the story, I have not seen a REASON for him to be cautious -- and the fact that OP and her PT are both straight and of the opposite sex is not a legitimate reason if either one or both are committed to their relationships. OP is not meeting this guy out of the gym, not bringing him up a lot, and presumably is not wearing makeup and perfume to the gym when she goes for her appointment. If she were, "cautious" would mean asking to go with to see how they interact with one another, or how she responds to the request. Then, depending on how this played out, he might have reason to suspect or accuse her.

"Controlling" is when you tell your SO how he/she can dress, who he/she can talk to, and mind-screw your partner until he/she keeps to him/herself and becomes lonely, depressed, anti-social, guilty, withdrawn, quiet, and begins to hate life and possibly also the relationship. This also creates an atmosphere for dishonesty because any interactions that would not be approved (such as running into an old friend at a grocery store, even if the discussion is about your family) must be hidden to avoid punishment; open and honest communication becomes difficult to impossible, and any interactions discovered then "prove" that the victim is a sneaky liar. "Controlling" is when you use physical or emotional leverage to make your partner "behave" the way you want him/her to...using the silent treatment, threats of breaking up, telling someone they can't please you if they don't do _____, hitting/burning/stabbing or other physical punishments for "breaking the rules" are all controlling and abusive behaviors -- and they all tend to get worse in time, partly because once you give in on one thing, the abuser knows what to do to make you give up other things. This is one good reason why she SHOULD NOT give up the trainer. If this man were rational most of the time and expressed reasons why he was uncomfortable with this particular relationship, she might consider switching trainers. Switching trainers with a guy who is touchy about her talking to any other man, the way she dresses, and her going out, will only prove to him that he is in control; he'll make requests, never be satisfied, and keep making more requests.

You asked, "who is more important in your life, someone who you are thinking of spending your life with or some casual 'hired friend'...?" Let's put it this way: if said friend were not being hired to manage my social life, and started telling me what I could wear, who I could go out with, and what people I could and could not see, he would be fired. Same thing with a fiance; I am who I am, and you either love me for who I am, or you want someone else. If you knew the difference between a cautious SO and a controlling personality, you would also be doing the "DING DING DING!!! RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!!" thing, and telling her that she needs to reevaluate whether or not she wants to try to make it work with someone who doesn't trust her and expects her to sacrifice who she is to please him. Fact is, as a result of this man's behavior, she may choose not to spend the rest of her life with this guy (either by breaking it off now, or divorcing if things get worse after they get married) - so why should she have to give up her friends, nice outfits, or personal trainer?


To OP - Sadly, I know several people who got married to people who worried about the way they dressed, wondered where they "really" were when they went out with same-sex friends or hit bad traffic on the way home from work, checked up on them by phone or surprise visit, etc.. I know people who gave up everything to try to please or at least keep peace with their SO, but most people can't keep their heads down, mouths shut, turn down every social event, and never have to work late for their whole lives; there were always slip-ups and more demands. I don't mean to imply that your relationship couldn't or won't work, or that your guy is controlling or abusive; I don't know him, or you, and can't say with any level of certainty. I just meant that with some people who behave like this, there is potential for this kind of outcome, especially since jealousy and a lack of trust are hard to overcome. I hope that's not the case for you; just be careful and sensible!

Only read a few replies but my take is he is insecure about you getting hot and might think you are going to look for an upgrade. Especially if he is not working out and or your trainer is buff and cute. I think you should reassure him you are doing this for yourself and him too. Maybe you can workout with your husband too like go for walks together or something. But I would also make it clear that its not cool to accuse you of cheating because he should trust you.