He told me he was embarrassed of me while I was pregnant!
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. But, you are fooling yourself if you think there is hope for this relationship. Kick him to the gutter where he belongs. And focus that attention on yourself and your children.
RUN, DON'T WALK!
so agree with this. He will not change. It will not get better.0 -
Words can be very hurtful and at the bare minimum he's being inappropriate with his remarks, etc...
Think of it in these terms, do you want your children learning that it's okay to demean your partner? All those negative behaviors that you dislike, your children WILL learn.
I would encourage you to talk to someone at the very least, perhaps contact the National Domestic Violence hotline. It's free and they can assist you in planning a way "out" if you have no other support system nearby.
http://www.thehotline.org/
Good luck!0 -
I left him back in oct of 2012. I went to the court house and was going to fill out papers for custody. I walked in and saw his mother there. She had gone to court the morning after I had thrown her son out of the house. She told the court that I was a unstable mother due to the fact I was on post pardom meds and that I work 40 hrs a week and she could take better care of my children because she was a stay at home mom. She then told the courts that my home was unfit for children and that I ABUSED AND NEGLECTED MY CHILDREN. None of this was true but it later came out that she had told the court all of those things to make me "wake up" and that my children deserved better and that they deserved two parents in a household. DCYF has been involved and has done a investigation and all of her alligations have been proven false. Because she filled for a emergency petition for guardianship the courts granted her not only temp custody of my 3 mo old at the time but of my three yr old wich is no blood relation to her. I had to go to court 4 days later and I was granted custody of my children back due to the fact that she had no proof of any of her allegations. Every time I think Im going to leave his mother gets involved somehow and Im always in fear. She later admitted what she did wasnt right but she didnt want my kids growning up without her son. SOME GRANDMOTHER SHE IS. Ive been in and out of court several times and they have granted mostly in my favor. But it still comes down to the fact that every time I leave him she reports that Im either neglecting my children or that Im not doing something right. She accidentaly sent me a text which she was sending to everyone she knew apparently.. That I was ****ed in the head for switching bottle nipples and then made fun of my breasts and wrote " Is this what her tits look like? No wonder why he wasnt happy with her" Simply because she had bought all of the bottles and nipples and I chose not to use them due to My sons bad gas.. I was trying a different bottle. If he sneezes or coughs once around her she says " Im not his mother but I think he should be seen" Then she tells the dcyf investigator that Im neglecting him... Ive worked at a daycare for 8 yrs.. Ive brought him to the doctor 8 times in 2 and a half months. His mother is crazy.... As long as I stay with her son she doesnt do anything. I cant afford another $1300 lawyered up court date. I own my own home and car.. I pay all the bills.. Leaving him isnt the problem. Leaving him and not having his mother lie to take my children away is the problem. Im trying to save a relationship.. a family... trying to avoid court and more undeserved pain. WHY DOES HE HATE ME SINCE IVE GOTN PREGNANT and Had his child?
At some point can you not get a restraining order against HIS mother? She was probably abused, and she is abusive. Can you not file harassment charges against her? WTF?!? this has to stop at some point.0 -
I left him back in oct of 2012. I went to the court house and was going to fill out papers for custody. I walked in and saw his mother there. She had gone to court the morning after I had thrown her son out of the house. She told the court that I was a unstable mother due to the fact I was on post pardom meds and that I work 40 hrs a week and she could take better care of my children because she was a stay at home mom. She then told the courts that my home was unfit for children and that I ABUSED AND NEGLECTED MY CHILDREN. None of this was true but it later came out that she had told the court all of those things to make me "wake up" and that my children deserved better and that they deserved two parents in a household. DCYF has been involved and has done a investigation and all of her alligations have been proven false. Because she filled for a emergency petition for guardianship the courts granted her not only temp custody of my 3 mo old at the time but of my three yr old wich is no blood relation to her. I had to go to court 4 days later and I was granted custody of my children back due to the fact that she had no proof of any of her allegations. Every time I think Im going to leave his mother gets involved somehow and Im always in fear. She later admitted what she did wasnt right but she didnt want my kids growning up without her son. SOME GRANDMOTHER SHE IS. Ive been in and out of court several times and they have granted mostly in my favor. But it still comes down to the fact that every time I leave him she reports that Im either neglecting my children or that Im not doing something right. She accidentaly sent me a text which she was sending to everyone she knew apparently.. That I was ****ed in the head for switching bottle nipples and then made fun of my breasts and wrote " Is this what her tits look like? No wonder why he wasnt happy with her" Simply because she had bought all of the bottles and nipples and I chose not to use them due to My sons bad gas.. I was trying a different bottle. If he sneezes or coughs once around her she says " Im not his mother but I think he should be seen" Then she tells the dcyf investigator that Im neglecting him... Ive worked at a daycare for 8 yrs.. Ive brought him to the doctor 8 times in 2 and a half months. His mother is crazy.... As long as I stay with her son she doesnt do anything. I cant afford another $1300 lawyered up court date. I own my own home and car.. I pay all the bills.. Leaving him isnt the problem. Leaving him and not having his mother lie to take my children away is the problem. Im trying to save a relationship.. a family... trying to avoid court and more undeserved pain. WHY DOES HE HATE ME SINCE IVE GOTN PREGNANT and Had his child?
Because he is a *kitten*. Because his mother didn't have the balls to leave his abusive father, and he grew up watching this same behavior. Now she is trying to trap you and your children in this same cycle of abuse. He might not be physically abusing you, but this still constitutes as abuse. Contact a domestic violence shelter. They can help you with resources. If you do end up with another case with DYCF, explain this as you have told it to us to the case manager and they will help you with resources. You don't have to tolerate this.
Oh and I have had my share of dealings with family court and protective services. They are only going to take so many false reports from her so stay strong and do what you've gotta!0 -
I was married to a horrible verbally abusive (and other types of abusive) boy for a year and a half (was with him for a total of 7 years). The abuse started when I got pregnant and gained 60+ lbs, then it never stopped. I hate to tell you but from my experience they will always be abusive no matter how much weight you drop. I kicked his butt to the curb after I got down to my pre pregnancy weight, I had a 6 month old at the time. It has been 4 years and I think it was the best decision I ever made in my life!
I know it is tough, and if you want to stay with him seek couples therapy, it seems to help some couples. Plus the professional might be able to put him in check on his abusiveness, where you cant.0 -
run girl I did it for 10 yrs. when he finally grabbed my steering wheel while doing 60mph on I95 & almost killed me that was my winning ticket 2 get that devilish monster the hell outta my life im gonna friend request u ok im praying 4 you & your childrenYour boyfriend may be an idiot but you're not much better by staying. Have a little respect for YOURSELF and your KIDS and leave. You're teaching them a dangerous cycle. It's your job as a mother to protect them.
^^^^And this!!! Take responsibility as a mother!!0 -
I was married to a horrible verbally abusive (and other types of abusive) boy for a year and a half (was with him for a total of 7 years). The abuse started when I got pregnant and gained 60+ lbs, then it never stopped. I hate to tell you but from my experience they will always be abusive no matter how much weight you drop. I kicked his butt to the curb after I got down to my pre pregnancy weight, I had a 6 month old at the time. It has been 4 years and I think it was the best decision I ever made in my life!
I know it is tough, and if you want to stay with him seek couples therapy, it seems to help some couples. Plus the professional might be able to put him in check on his abusiveness, where you cant.
Your strength is inspirational. Not everyone has your strength but you are helping just by sharing0 -
Oh, I am so so sorry! That is down right awful. My heart aches for you. He will never be able to take those words back and I am sure they will hurt you forever. You carried HIS child. He should be greatful, more loving to you, and respect you for giving birth to this beautiful child. He should have a whole new respect for you. If he doesn't pull his head out of his aXX, your kids will see the way he treats you and talks to you and they may follow his footsteps. He should love you for who you are. I'm sorry, this got my blood boiling.!! I could keep going on and on. I know you dont want to hear it but he DOES NOT deserve you!!!! I'm sorry, i hope he changes but I have a bad feeling he isn't going to.
You deserve to be with a guy who loves you for who you are, respects you, and there is a guy out there that would take those children in and treat them as their own. Good luck with everything. 0 -
I'm reading this post, broken hearted because I see my daughter in your words. The verbal abuse that sneaks its way into physical abuse. I see my Grandson and soon to be new Grandbaby growing up like the worthless father and his family. I'm scared out of my mind at what lies for her and those babies down the road. She is strong willed and determined and wants to make her family work. She will not leave him either. As a mother you have to step back and think about what's acceptable for your children. Is this the kind of relationship you want them to have when they are older? Do you want those children to grow up and treat someone, the way you are allowing yourself to be treated? What would your mother say about the situation you are in?
His issues have nothing to do with your weight. His issues have everything to do with control. You are headed down such a slippery slope. You may not be leaving him now, but do you want to have your children watch you leave him in a body bag?0 -
I know you've gotten LOTS of replies and I'm not even sure if you'll read all of this. Regardles, I must reply.
Love does not hurt. If he didn't love you, want you, need you at your worst, lowest, largest, he will still be dissatisfied when you are at goal weight. He my not be able to use your weight as an excuse, but he will find something. His family and friends are encouraging this disgusting behavior.
He sounds like a spoiled brat and has always gotten what he wants from poor behavior.
You said that leaving him is out of the question...and I would venture to guess that your unwillingness to leave is based more on your own fears, insecurities, and low self esteem than it is your love for him.
He has beat you down for so long that you are exactly where he wants you: weak, door-mat, and powerless. Your sons are learning that treating women like garbage is acceptable--and they aren't just getting the message from him, but from YOU, too. YOU are teaching them that this is OKAY. It's not, but you're inaction...is teaching them that it is!
FIND your voice. Get on your Feet . Go. Just go.0 -
I’m sorry for what you are going through, but I’ll be honest, he’ll never change and even if you lost the weight your relationship is already damaged. Why stay with a man who obviously doesn’t love you? No man who loves his woman, unconditionally, would ever put them down the way your boyfriend puts you down. You need to learn to love yourself first before you worry about this creep. First and for most, your children and yourself come before anyone else and if he can’t accept you now, why should you accept him later? There is someone out there that will love you for you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. This boy sounds like he’s the one who needs to “wake up” and realize the world doesn’t revolve around him. As for his mother, someone needs to let this woman know that she’s not your boss either. Where is your family? Is there someone you can turn to that can help you out during this time?
You are currently in an abusive relationship, and NO ONE deserves that!!! GET OUT!0 -
Losing weight may make you thinner, but it won't do a thing for him being an as shole.0
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I don't get why leaving him is out of the question. I understand that you have a kid together, plus one from a previous relationship...but good Lord, leave this idiot!
I'm sure it's easier said than done. But remember, you are choosing to bring up your children in a household with verbal and emotional abuse. They should be growing up seeing love and happiness.
I agree with this. I am happy to hear that he is focusing on his son but your children's happiness will come from you! A happy mama = happy babies.. Nothing makes for a crappy childhood like a hurt and miserable parents. Put your happiness first. Do not let people treat you like ****. Don't treat yourself like that. Respect yourself and others will too, as will your children.
I wouldn't be able to stand next to him, let alone let him touch me.... I cannot imagine willingly spending years that way....0 -
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I'm 9 months pregnant right now and my ego and self esteem have never been more fragile.
The only thing I can say is that even after you lose all the weight, there's no guarantee that he is going to suddenly going to treat you right. It's not your weight that makes him an abusive as*hole. The abuse won't stop just because you get thin. There are much deeper issues at hand. Like everyone else has said, seek counseling if you HAVE to stay with him.
Good luck!0 -
To add to my earlier comment:
Will you forgive him? No idea, that’s up to you. I wouldn’t, but I have too much respect for myself to let people who are supposed to love me treat me like that. News flash honey, he doesn’t love you. If he did, he’d love you no matter what your weight. I was 135 when I met my husband and I was 220 when he proposed. He loved me the same no matter what. I didn’t hear anything about your boyfriend being concerned about your health. He’s not. He’s concerned about his image and his sex life. That’s what you are to him. And you want to forgive him and stay?
Will he quit the abuse if you lose weight? I highly doubt it! He’ll find something else to put you down about. Abusers don’t change because the people they abuse listen to them. That just teaches them that their abuse works.
Go ahead and lose weight if you want to. But start doing it a healthy way. Quit “juicing” and eat real, healthy food in moderation. You are losing weight WAY too fast and your health will suffer for it. People have died by losing too fast, keep that in mind. When you lose too fast, your body burns more muscle than fat and guess what? Your heart is a muscle. At your weight, you should be losing about 1.5 – 2 pounds a week.
If you are concerned that you can’t take care of your children without him, you can. There are places and programs to help if you don’t have family who can/will. Look them up. If you insist on staying, seek a relationship councilor. You are going to need it. Go alone if he won’t go with you.
Tell his mother to stop or you will take her to court for libel. Follow through if she doesn't. Get a restraining order if you can. If she keeps being proved a liar in court, they are going to stop believing her. Don't quit when she starts her crap, follow through until she is proven false then you will be free.0 -
My first husband was physically abusive. Nobody should have to put up with physical or verbsl abuse. You have already proved your own value in court about your kids. You have a job a house and car. You don't have to prove anything to a mouthy mother of a worthless boyfriend. You seem hung up on taking that step to get rid of him. Look at who you are as a person. You don't need him. Trust that YOU and your children will be better without him. But do make him pay support.0
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Just wanna say all men are not like this..
Sounds like a douche.0 -
Verbal abuse hurts just as much as abuse, and he should Love you unconditionally, wth is wrong with some people treating others like this, if you say you have to stay and you lose weight I personally would not let him touch me, relationships are for better or wrose
This. The problem is, HE is the same person, even if you change for him. Do it for YOU.
Seriously though, do you want him influencing on how your kids grow up? I really hope he doesn't treat them similarly if they put on a few extra pounds... or don't do the activities he thinks they should do.0 -
If he really loved you the weight wouldn't matter.0
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OP - Honestly, you know that his behavior makes you unhappy. You know that it is not going to change. You know that it is not good for your children to see it. You know his mother is going to sabotage your efforts to leave him and participate in the abuse. She is going to damage your children. You have to protect them from her as much as you do from him. In other words, YOU CAN'T LET HER WIN. Don't be a defeatist. Don't say that she is going to stand in your way so you might as well stay. I am so not trying to be mean or unkind to you when I say this, but if you stay because you let his mother bully you around, then YOU fail as a mother.
Be strong. Where there is a will, there is a way. It might be a long, hard struggle for you, but you can and will come out victorious as long as you are willing to fight for the well-being of yourself and your children.
My story is not very unsimilar from yours. I was abused, physically and emotionally, by the father and my eventual ex-husband. DYCF took my children and he, and others, did everything possible to keep me from getting them back. But I NEVER gave up! I did what I had to, and after 2 years, I did get custody of my children back. That was 6 years ago and I am a single mom, but I manage very well. I went back to school, got two degrees, and I'm working on my MBA now. I own my own home and car. My children are happy and are having a very good childhood. Believe me when I say that it is worth it to fight for as long as it possibly takes. You are strong enough to do this and there are resources out there that can help you. You just have to look.0 -
Very verbally abusive. Im not leaving him....Leaving him is out of the question.
Way to teach your children that his behavior is ok. Way to continue the cycle. More women will be abused because of you.0 -
I agree with other posters. You need to get out of this if not for yourself but for your children. By accepting his behavior and no leaving, you are teaching your children that it's okay to treat women this way. It's not an easy thing, I've been there. When my 2 year old called me a b*tch I knew I had to do something. I'm better for it and so are they.0
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That my friend is emotional abuse.
And not only is the a step towards physical abuse but maintaining yourself in that situation with two children will encourage the idea that these behaviors are acceptable and also that you should be treated that way.
Do not stay, for the love and respect of yourself and your children, leave.0 -
You really should leave... Your kids are going to grow up thinking this behavior is ok... And you won't be able to see him in the same light, because he honestly does not give a s*** about you. No one that did care for you would treat you this way.. YOu have ONE life, that's it. You either live it in the best and most honorable way you can, or you will waste it. You need to demand better, if he is going to try you like this then just let him go... You can do it on your own, TAKE CONTROL of your life...0
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You say you are not leaving him but he may up and leave you with two kids. Nothing will stop him from walking away. You would be so much better off without him. I was married to a verbally/emotionally abusive man for 25+ years. I didn't want to leave..I had so little confidence that I had myself convinced I couldnt make it on my own. I lost weight and he still told me I was fat even when I was at my goal weigh. I finally found the strength to leave and my only regret now is that I wasted so much my life and my childrens' lives. You deserve better and you will never be able to get those ugly, hateful words out of your head. They are scars that will never heal...you and your children deserve better!! No matter your size if he loved you, he would love you no matter what. Weight really hasnothing to do with it!, he is just an *kitten*!!0
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So the truth came out. He is no longer attracted to me. I had a baby 6 mo ago. When he said this 11 days ago and I weighed 212. I now weigh 201. I started the juicing diet immediately the day he told me all of this. He was not a supportive bf during the pregnancy. A lot of insults. He rarely touched my tummy. He is more interested in his son than me. He has told me he doesnt enjoy having sex and that his friends and family are constantly telling him he could do better. Very verbally abusive. Im not leaving him. I already have a 3 yr old from a previous relationship and now I have a 6 mo old. And I am no longer able to have children. Leaving him is out of the question. I know I should. But ..oh well. My question is. When I lose the weight and im down at my goal weight of 150. Will I be able to look at him the same Or is the pain that hes caused by all of the insults going to stay with me? Has anyone gotn through this? kinda feel alone... He says hes trying to "wake me up before its to late". Ive never felt so ugly.
So what I am reading here is that
1. You are going to stay with him to avoid having a second child in a broken home BUT that the home you are raising TWO kids in is more broken than being apart
2. Letting your children grow up in a home where verbal abuse is abound is okay
3. It is acceptable for this man to raise your son(s) beliving that the behaviour he exhibbits to you is perfectly acceptable and this is how life should be and how women should be treated if they are heavy
Honey I am telling you first hand you won't feel any different at any weight. You will always feel insecure about your relationship because of what he has said. You will also continue to feel insecure about yourself because of it and will constantly wonder if he is more interested in someone else. The fact he "warned you" isn't a likely a warning but a tell tail that he is already out the door emotionally if not physically. You deserve to be happy and if that means raising your kids as a single mother, well you are better off with that option than the one you are literally settling for. I'm sorry but your bf sounds like a jerk who doesn't deserve to have anyone fight to keep him in her life. He is the father of ONE of your kids so he will always be a part of your life, but do NOT MAKE HIM YOUR LIFE. Those kids are your life, not him. He doesn't deserve the idea of you getting healthy FOR HIM... IT won't change anything anyway. Change FOR YOU and those kids... and do them a favor and wise up, leave him and be the strong independant person you CAN be if you CHOOSE to be.
Ask yourself, what if you reach 150 and he still thinks you are too big, will you continue losing FOR him... when you reach 130 and he believes you are still too big.... honestly any man who decides his so called ability to love or be attracted to a woman based on her weight is not worth your time.... Does the size of his "unit" matter to you? No and he can't change that so why should you be expected to change the size of yourself for him? Find somewone more deserving who actually knows what it means to be human0 -
My babygirl is 6 mo old too.. I got up to 240!!! Now, I'm 213..0
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What? You look beautiful pregnant!!! Your ego and self esteem should be through the roof! Look at yourself. Seriously, you look great prego!I am so sorry that you are going through this. I'm 9 months pregnant right now and my ego and self esteem have never been more fragile.0
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Some people are just not attracted to pregnant people. Yes it hurts to hear that when you have a 3 foot protuberance sticking out from your torso that it's not attractive but it's just not to some people. I for one have never seen an attractive pregnant person, nor ever watched one "glow". I've seen one sweat like it was nobody’s business, but I've just never found it attractive. Of course, I will never date someone who can get pregnant, so I will never have the problem of having to admit to them I think they look disgusting. Nor will I ever be able to get pregnant so I will never have to look at how disgusting I look to myself.
If it upsets you that he didn’t find you attractive then maybe he's just not the right person for you, just because you've birthed a calf he put inside you doesn’t mean you're meant to be. I see from the comments you refuse to leave him, but you're going to wake up one day and he'll be gone. It won't be your fault, but you shouldn’t be shocked when it happens because you already know he doesn’t want to be with you.0 -
So the truth came out. He is no longer attracted to me. I had a baby 6 mo ago. When he said this 11 days ago and I weighed 212. I now weigh 201. I started the juicing diet immediately the day he told me all of this. He was not a supportive bf during the pregnancy. A lot of insults. He rarely touched my tummy. He is more interested in his son than me. He has told me he doesnt enjoy having sex and that his friends and family are constantly telling him he could do better. Very verbally abusive. Im not leaving him. I already have a 3 yr old from a previous relationship and now I have a 6 mo old. And I am no longer able to have children. Leaving him is out of the question. I know I should. But ..oh well. My question is. When I lose the weight and im down at my goal weight of 150. Will I be able to look at him the same Or is the pain that hes caused by all of the insults going to stay with me? Has anyone gotn through this? kinda feel alone... He says hes trying to "wake me up before its to late". Ive never felt so ugly.
So what I am reading here is that
1. You are going to stay with him to avoid having a second child in a broken home BUT that the home you are raising TWO kids in is more broken than being apart
2. Letting your children grow up in a home where verbal abuse is abound is okay
3. It is acceptable for this man to raise your son(s) beliving that the behaviour he exhibbits to you is perfectly acceptable and this is how life should be and how women should be treated if they are heavy
She followed-up after her OP. She is staying because his mother is sabotaging her in family court. Her fear is that she will lose custody of her children if she leaves him. She knows she should leave him, but hasn't figured out how.0
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