My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(

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  • fayeonherway
    fayeonherway Posts: 204
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    So what happens when you gain weight from pregnancy? :ohwell:
  • barblibrarian
    barblibrarian Posts: 3
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    "wait wait wait, let me get this straight.... A man can have ONE woman to have for his ENTIRE life?!!?!! isn't he entitled to get exactly what he wants then?! and if it isn't what he wants... he is supposed to stay with her for his ENTIRE life just so he doesnt hurt her feelings?! Or is he supposed to lie and now find a different reason to not be with her?! wtf is wrong here?!?!?! You are allowed to have whatever you want out of life. damn!"

    You can have what you want in life, but you are not entitled to have anything. Just as you have to work towards any goal or want, a man and woman have to work together to make a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. If you honestly expect a woman to bow down to your every whim and wish, just because you are male, and you're making some kind of sacrifice by being with only one woman, then you are about thirteen years old and shouldn't be posting on the Internet.

    So he works out and runs, takes care of himself and leads a healthy life, while she sits on her fanny, eats gyros and complains about how he's not being supportive? Sure, sounds dandy! :sick:

    Then he should move on and find a woman that works for him. He obviously cares little about this woman - so, find someone else to make you happy - don't try to change the person you are with. It NEVER works to try to make a person into the person you want. Much better to keep looking until you find them. Out the door, woman!
  • cwaters120
    cwaters120 Posts: 354 Member
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    I guess, like many here, I would hesitate in marriage to him. While he WAS honest, it was cruelly put. He could have been a little more tactful in his stating such a truth.
    That being said, I DID marry a man like that thinking it would all be "better" because after all, he was being honest with me... I am still married to him, but I will tell you he "bullies" me ALL THE TIME regarding my weight. If I miss a day of exercise, if I choose to snack (regardless of choice healthy or not), if I choose something he deems not "right" for a meal - constantly he comments negatively. I hate it and it makes me very self conscious around him and constantly rethink how things are.

    What if you have kids and have trouble losing the weight? WIll he still "fancy" you? What if you get sick and for some reason are unable to do the things you do now? Will he still "love" you? There are so many things in life that can happen to change the way your lives are now - will you constantly be wondering what his next "truth" will be? will you constantly be living your lifestyle for HIM so he won't comment?

    change is never easy and not always painless. I guess you have to pick your "change" that you feel is best for you and flow with it.
  • Galathea96
    Galathea96 Posts: 200 Member
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    So let's read this again from his perspective:

    He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.

    Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.

    I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.

    Did you miss the part where the OP said her being with her fiancee led her to skipping meals and running to the scales constantly? How before she used to be relatively confident about herself even if she wasn't stick thin and now that she's back at the same weight she's miserable? And who are you to tell the OP that she's faltering in her life?

    To me it sounds like that she's putting in more than her fair share of work and studies. If that means that she comes home at night and just wants to eat something she actually likes and watch TV, that's well within her rights. No one should be allowed to dictate how a person should live her life, and you certainly have no right to pass judgement on the OP and tell her she's "faltering".

    To the OP: Have you asked yourself why you're feeling so stressed, depressed and without motivation? Is it the work, the studies, missing support, the atmosphere at home? If it were me, I would try and identify what it is that's making me so miserable and evaluate what my priorities are and what I'm willing to cut out of my life in order to restore some peace of mind.
  • Hendrix7
    Hendrix7 Posts: 1,903 Member
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    So what would the women of MFP do if they no longer fancied the man in their life?

    I guess they wouldn't tell them because that would be bullying and emotional abuse.

    People stop finding other people attractive sometimes, it happens, both ways.

    Be glad it happened before you got married, but this isn't some kind of hate crime.
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
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    "wait wait wait, let me get this straight.... A man can have ONE woman to have for his ENTIRE life?!!?!! isn't he entitled to get exactly what he wants then?! and if it isn't what he wants... he is supposed to stay with her for his ENTIRE life just so he doesnt hurt her feelings?! Or is he supposed to lie and now find a different reason to not be with her?! wtf is wrong here?!?!?! You are allowed to have whatever you want out of life. damn!"

    You can have what you want in life, but you are not entitled to have anything. Just as you have to work towards any goal or want, a man and woman have to work together to make a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship. If you honestly expect a woman to bow down to your every whim and wish, just because you are male, and you're making some kind of sacrifice by being with only one woman, then you are about thirteen years old and shouldn't be posting on the Internet.

    So he works out and runs, takes care of himself and leads a healthy life, while she sits on her fanny, eats gyros and complains about how he's not being supportive? Sure, sounds dandy! :sick:

    Then he should move on and find a woman that works for him. He obviously cares little about this woman - so, find someone else to make you happy - don't try to change the person you are with. It NEVER works to try to make a person into the person you want. Much better to keep looking until you find them. Out the door, woman!

    Isn't that what he said? I love how on a fitness website so many of you are about encouraging others to NOT change for the better. So much better to encourage people to stay overweight and lazy. Got it.
  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
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    Since marriage is about enduring the good and the bad together, I suggest reevaluating the relationship.

    Put all options on the table.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    You call his passion for exercise a "vice," and you expect him to accept that you've gained 20 lbs from stress-eating? I'm surprised he hasn't left you already, and not because of your appearance but because you're being a serious hypocrite. He could definitely be more sensitive, but you need to take responsibility for your choices, too.
  • sportzmom23
    sportzmom23 Posts: 103 Member
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    As un pc as it may be, if the love isn't there bc of body changes, then IMO, it was never really there. So while it may seem like you are a grade A @$$, seems to me the weight gain was just a cover excuse for an underlying issue...
    I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.

    Yes it does make you a nasty horrible grade A arsehole and she is better of with out you.

    On the other hand I think I may possibly do the same ... :/ its a tough one

    The love could've been there but got covered by all the lbs. Adding a 125 lbs changes a lot about you, you can't go for long walks on the beach like you use to, your interest most likely will shift from active to more sedentary choices.

    Your statement of "the love was never really there" is unfair to their relationship, because people fall in and out of love all the time due to many reasons. For him it was the repulsion from the excessive weight gain, if you are both outdoorsy type of people and one gained that much weight and the outdoors got eliminated from the equation then you just killed a part of the love in that relationship.
    [/quote]

    In. My. Opinion. IMO. My opinion is based on my experiences, with medical issues I had, activities my husband and I did together were eliminated. We worked on our relationship to continue to move forward, to find new things we could do together. IMO, to many people dont realize the hard work a lasting relationship is. if she got cancer, and they couldn't do the same things, this is different? Not in MY opinion.
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
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    So let's read this again from his perspective:

    He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.

    Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.

    I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.

    I don't see how a person can't expect a person to change over the course of a relationship, especially a long term relationship. You have to be adaptive and understanding, I believe that is part of a long lasting and happy partnership.

    I think you're missing the point. From his perspective, she abandoned the relationship. She's changed a lot, and in his mind, it isn't the kind of changes he can live with for a lifetime. He wants what he thought he had: an active woman who enjoys being active WITH him. I've worked the 15 hour days and, frankly, it sucks. But you don't abandon a relationship entirely just because things get tough.

    Think of it this way, if a boyfriend who used to go running with his girlfriend, got fit and she was so happy, suddenly starts sitting on the sofa every night eating doner kebab and getting a belly instead of doing the fun things they used to do together, how many women would get on here and call him the *kitten*? I'd be willing to bet it would be huge. The only difference would be the topic would be "Why did he stop spending time with me? Doesn't he care about his health? :("

    Why is it always the guy who is the jerk no matter who changes in the relationship?
  • CM9178
    CM9178 Posts: 1,265 Member
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    I just wanted to say - if you would no longer be attracted to your fiance because they may gain weight in the future, then you shouldn't marry them - and you are with them for the wrong reason.
    I love my husband and will always be attracted to him. He has gained at least 30 lbs since we've been together (and me way more than that), and I am still attracted to him - because that attraction is based on more than ONLY looks and his weight.
    People change and chances are, we will gain weight as we get older. If your Fiance has a problem with that, then that's not a good thing. Period.
  • sportzmom23
    sportzmom23 Posts: 103 Member
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    Isn't that what he said? I love how on a fitness website so many of you are about encouraging others to NOT change for the better. So much better to encourage people to stay overweight and lazy. Got it.

    Have yet to see anyone say stay sitting on the couch, what I have interpreted is get someone who supports you, and positivley encourages you, with maybe 'constructive' criticism, instead of words aimed to hurt
  • nickip91
    nickip91 Posts: 20 Member
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    I think it's good for your fiance to want to help motivate you and get you back on track, however the way he has gone about it is totally wrong. My partner's weight has increased and he is now just under 17st which is pretty big. I still love him all the same, however I do wish he'd lose a bit more weight and work harder towards it.

    It's hard to find a balance between being motivational and critical and I know that sometimes I cross this line with my partner and have to reel my words in. Perhaps calmly explain to your partner how his comment made you feel. Express that you appreciate his motivation but would like him to also be more supportive.

    I hope things all work out ok for you.
  • justmyalias
    justmyalias Posts: 153 Member
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    I could sense the tension, I knew he wasn't happy with my choices that night, and voices he has been "disappointed" with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise and diet for several months now.

    This is what has stuck with me. I had a fiance like that and he was a bully too. I was constantly scared of how he would react to my every move and did everything I could to try to change myself to please him. It made me so unhappy.

    Whether he fancies you or not I don't think it's the issue. It was about him having power over you and making you feel like *kitten*.

    This is just my opinion but you are young and beautiful and deserve to have someone who thinks the sun shines from you.

    This. = /
  • Cindym82
    Cindym82 Posts: 1,245 Member
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    I think his approach was wrong, I was much larger when I met my fiance and he gained some weight when we started dating (3 yrs ago). I've dropped 20lbs on my own free will and after him seeing me eat healthier and working out all the time he fell into my routine and he's happier now, as well as about 15lbs lighter. Did I fancy him any less when he got chunky? Absolutely not, I love him more and more every day reguardless of his looks b/c he's still the man I fell in love with and plan to spend the rest of my life with. You need to tell him that you agree that you're not where you wish you were physically but that you need loving support not just mean backlash from him. Communication is key to any realationship!
  • Boogage
    Boogage Posts: 739 Member
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    This happened to me many years ago and it was the beginning of the end.

    We'd been together 3 years at the time and I thought we were happy. I was quite overweight and I was trying to eat healthily and go to the gym to try and improve my body but suffer terrible depression which made giving it my all difficult. I tried to ignore his comments and continue to plan the wedding but his horrible words kept driving me mad and in the end I decided I didn't want to be with someone who could be so cruel. He could have easily got me to go for more long walks with him and helped make healthier meals when we cooked together but he didn't. He didn't want to help me.

    Now I'm with someone who's stuck with me and supported me through fat and thin quite literally. It hasn't mattered if I'm 185lbs or 140lbs he's been there. Five babies, increasing stretchmarks, new wobbly bits each time, a ladies apron, boobs going south and he still tells me I'm sexy and my underwear looks better on the floor.

    I think you need to have a serious chat with your man and find out if he's capable and willing to love you unconditionally and if not you need to decide if you can deal with that. When you're old, grey and arthritic you don't want to spend your days wondering if he's going to trade you in for a younger fitter model.
  • Judas_Queen
    Judas_Queen Posts: 251 Member
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    I've been in a relationship for almost 8 years now, engaged for nearly half of that time.

    When I met my fiancé I was a firm size 10-12 (UK) .. but also 16 years old so go figure! During the first 4 months, from a mixture of eating and going on to the contraceptive pill, I was up to a 14-16 ... 8 years on I'm an 18! And weigh about 3.5-4 stone heavier than when I met him.

    Yes.. I know I'm a big girl.. I know I look a lot different, and I wobble, and jiggle and spill out of my jeans when I'm sat down..

    But!

    This makes me think of the episode of friends when Ross writes his pro/con list about Rachel and his gf.. and when Rachel finds out she says something along the lines of..

    "Imagine everything you dislike about yourself.. and now Imagine that the person you love and trust thinks them too" and then on about using them to not be with them (this last bit isn't really relevant.. not really)

    Well.. I KNOW that my fiancé probably thinks like me... yes, I'm fat, he probably thinks that too - can't be helped, I am fat, there's no two ways about it. Does he still fancy me? I dont know, not for sure - he may well still do (for some unknown reason - i wouldn't fancy me!) But I would never, ever, ever want him to say it out loud or tell me that he doesn't fancy me anymore. I would be so incredibly hurt and he knows that it probably wouldn't motivate me to do any more than I already am.

    That being said... he was honest with you and whatever his intentions, be it to motivate you or whatever, he was honest. That is quite admirable. To be able to say something so honest to the person you love is a good thing, right?

    But me being me... I'd cry in a heap on the floor for a month and then shower myself in cookies and cake.. thereby not getting any more fanciable.

    Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Be honest with him. Let him know it hurt you, explain to him that your work is hard at the moment and has been for some time and he can't expect you to want to go running when you get home from a 12 hour shift and long commute... it's not realistic! But he might understand then...

    all else fails.. i know some pretty tough guys that can, ya know.. *cough* uhm.. yeah!

    Chin up though:)
  • justmyalias
    justmyalias Posts: 153 Member
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    So let's read this again from his perspective:

    He had this fiance who used to run with him, work out with him, and enjoy the same things he enjoyed. Then she turned into a potato, started eating bad again, and we don't spend any time together doing anything that we used to enjoy doing together. He does those things by himself now where he used to do them with you.

    Forget the weight and stop complaining about what he said because it very likely goes far beyond your weight. He's thinking the rest of his life. He's active, into exercise, and he wants a wife who is into the same things. He thought he had that, but now he sees that you aren't that at all and probably aren't going to be what he thought you were.

    I'm sorry, but I'd be pretty upset with you, too. And it has nothing to do with your weight. It has everything to do with the way you're changing. Don't blame him for your faltering.

    I don't see how a person can't expect a person to change over the course of a relationship, especially a long term relationship. You have to be adaptive and understanding, I believe that is part of a long lasting and happy partnership.

    I think you're missing the point. From his perspective, she abandoned the relationship. She's changed a lot, and in his mind, it isn't the kind of changes he can live with for a lifetime. He wants what he thought he had: an active woman who enjoys being active WITH him. I've worked the 15 hour days and, frankly, it sucks. But you don't abandon a relationship entirely just because things get tough.

    Think of it this way, if a boyfriend who used to go running with his girlfriend, got fit and she was so happy, suddenly starts sitting on the sofa every night eating doner kebab and getting a belly instead of doing the fun things they used to do together, how many women would get on here and call him the *kitten*? I'd be willing to bet it would be huge. The only difference would be the topic would be "Why did he stop spending time with me? Doesn't he care about his health? :("

    Why is it always the guy who is the jerk no matter who changes in the relationship?

    I think you really missed it.
    She stated that she grew into HIS exercise routine. She was not that way from the beginning. It seems like he was already manipulating her to change FOR HIM, from the start. And now she is not adhering to his plan, and HE doesn't like it. That is why HE is a jerk.
  • ninakir88
    ninakir88 Posts: 292 Member
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    No, I'm sorry but no.

    It's RUDE. He could have been a lot more supportive.

    So what, he doesn't like what you were eating that night, was he mad because of what you were eating or that you were eating at all? How was he okay with you skipping meals? Or did he like it because it made you slim?

    *sigh*
  • vtmoon
    vtmoon Posts: 3,436 Member
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    As un pc as it may be, if the love isn't there bc of body changes, then IMO, it was never really there. So while it may seem like you are a grade A @$$, seems to me the weight gain was just a cover excuse for an underlying issue...
    I dumped my (first) fiancee after she gained a buck and a quarter. I'm sure it makes me a certified, grade A, a-hole but she disgusted me and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her because of it.

    Yes it does make you a nasty horrible grade A arsehole and she is better of with out you.

    On the other hand I think I may possibly do the same ... :/ its a tough one

    The love could've been there but got covered by all the lbs. Adding a 125 lbs changes a lot about you, you can't go for long walks on the beach like you use to, your interest most likely will shift from active to more sedentary choices.

    Your statement of "the love was never really there" is unfair to their relationship, because people fall in and out of love all the time due to many reasons. For him it was the repulsion from the excessive weight gain, if you are both outdoorsy type of people and one gained that much weight and the outdoors got eliminated from the equation then you just killed a part of the love in that relationship.

    In. My. Opinion. IMO. My opinion is based on my experiences, with medical issues I had, activities my husband and I did together were eliminated. We worked on our relationship to continue to move forward, to find new things we could do together. IMO, to many people dont realize the hard work a lasting relationship is. if she got cancer, and they couldn't do the same things, this is different? Not in MY opinion.
    [/quote]

    Medical issues we have no control of, and like your husband most will do the right thing and stick with their love. If I just started developing apathy and not taking care of myself is a little bit different than me getting cancer.

    They too can work on their relationship but the relationship is sitting third behind a job and school.

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