My Fiance doesn't "Fancy" me anymore!? :-(

20 pounds is not a whole lot for someone that supposedly loves you to all of a sudden not fancy you any more. What's he going to do when you get pregnant and you have baby weight to deal with afterwards? It is his problem,and sounds like maybe there is something else going on besides you gaining a few pounds. How has been otherwise? Maybe he's getting cold feet? I know we don't know each other, but I've been around the block a time or two, and this is definitely a red flag.

I know I already commented on your post, but I just read this and think it's worth sharing. Pay particular attention to the last sentence.


This should warm your soul on a cold day...TRUE LOVE ..(A Doctor's note) Must Read n share

It was approximately 8.30 a.m. on a busy morning when an elderly gentleman in his eighties arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9.00 a.m.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat. I knew it would take more than an hour before someone would to able to attend to him. I saw him check his watch anxi...ously for the time and decided to evaluate his wound since I was not busy with another patient.

On examination, the wound was well healed. Hence, I talked to one of the doctors to get the supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

We began to engage in a conversation while I was taking care of his wound. I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment later as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no and said that he needed to go to the nursing home to have breakfast with his wife.

I inquired about her health. He told me that she had been in the nursing home for a while as she was a victim of Alzheimer's disease. I probed further and asked if she would be upset if he was slightly late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was and she had not been able to recognize him since five years ago.
I asked him in surprise, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

I had to hold back my tears as he left.
I had goose bumps on my arm, and I thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."

True love is neither physical nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

There have been many responses and I don't know if you will see this one, but it will be short and sweet.
1) Don't let anyone make you feel unattractive or worth less than the highest order. You are a beautiful woman regardless of size and deserve to be treated that way in a loving, caring relationship.
2) I can see why he may be frustrated if he is a fitness or running fanatic how he would miss that time with you if you had come to do that together as well as be frustrated that you were not as healthy, as he would want that as to have you as long as possible.
3) The comment is unacceptable. He can find a more tactful, loving way to express his disappointment. If he is upset at the lack of spending that running (bonding) time with you or that it is affecting your health because he loves you, I understand. If his complaint is based fully on your looks changing, this is not a loving relationship from his end and you should consider moving on.

I say this because my wife was at a certain weight when we met, went up 40 with our daughter, lost 50 and gained back 30. She is now 20 lb heavier and 10 years older than when we met and I am more attracted to her now and lover her more than ever. Of course I think she is beautiful, but that is not the main reason for the love or attraction. It is because I love her as a person. Of course I love her to look nice which I think she has at any weight she has been at since we have been together. I also want her to be healthy so she lives as long as possible with me. I would never disparage her though, but would try to encourage her and voice my concern for her health. Again, it seems his main issue is with the weight and the looks, If that is the case - red flag. If it is deeper and he just voiced in a really bad choice of words, you can work to get past that. Just think about what you really want in a relationship before you stay and end up in a bad marriage that could be undone just for looks. Best of luck.
Chris

My thought was at least he was honest though, some people may say he's a jerk or mean or whatever, but to me it is better to be truthful than to string someone along, and just make the pain worse later on. Whilst it may not feel nice now, imagine if he dropped that bombshell when you've just got married. just had a child etc...

i kind of agree with this. my husband and i have had this conversation, as he has friends who now have very overweight partners and it makes for a very awkward 'do you really need that extra slice of pizza' conversation, but surely say something before the other person becomes physically unattractive?

might be too personal a question but how often are you intimate? has that stopped recently?

you need to talk about it, but i dont see why you would want to stay with someone who says they dont fancy you?

There is a way to be honest without being a jerk.

"Downward spiral" and "disappointed" are not words you should use. I hope he's a freaking Greek Adonis if he thinks he has authority to even say that crap to you.

That's abuse and all the women on this thread who say he's just being honest blah blah blah are probably in mentally abusive relationships. You don't let anyone talk to you like that. He sounds catty and bitter. I'd cut him loose. Life happens and we can't all exercise 3 hours a day 6 times a week. Sorry. After a 12 hour a day the only thing I want to do is freaking relax. If I worked 12 hours and came home to just want to relax and my man said he was disappointed and made some snide *kitten* comment about downward spiral, I'd tell him that he can go be disappointed somewhere else and go find some exercise barbie who wants to live to please him. Psh.

Some of us take fitness seriously and our relationships seriously. Others don't. The two don't mix. And a 12 hour day is light weight and laughable.

Thats very insensitive I would NEVER repeat NEVER say that to my fiance, she has also gained maybe 14lbs since we met 5 years ago but I don't love her any less or am I less attracted to her.

Its kind of selfish, not understanding and superficial.Even if what he said was true maybe its more the manor in how unlovingly he chose to deliver it.

I have learned the hard way about how I say things and thinking from another perspective and not as a male just as a person in general.

Regardless of your relationship issues find your own strength in life and live in the present moment. 5 minutes of meditation in the morning lunch and at night can make a difference an de -stress you.

This.

And don't marry him. I'm sorry, but unless he would submit to some serious communication and counseling that would maybe open his eyes to see what real love and support is in a marriage, NO.

Ok, so I am not really going to give advice... I am going to give you a few questions to ask yourself

1. How often does he build you up? (As in tell you how much he cares about you, good things about you, how beautiful you look)

2. Why did you start working out? (Did he give hints that he though you should? Did he blatantly say you should? Was it your own decision?)

3. How does he speak to you in front of other people? (Does he talk about your weight or fitness? Does he tell his friends how much he cares about you? Does he make little jokes about you?)

4. How often does he do things that you enjoy doing? (Things that aren't necessarily his favorite things, but you really enjoy)

5. How does he feel about the decisions that you make about school and work? (Does he support your decisions? or make you feel like you are inconveniencing him?)

And last, I am going to leave you with a thought (and I know some people have mentioned this): How is he going to feel when you have kids? You will gain weight for the 9 months that you are pregnant and then afterwards, even if you do loose the weight in a reasonable time, you are still going to have stretch marks and a little looseness in the lower ab area. Also, your lady parts will be totally different, especially if you breast feed.

Hopefully you are able to make a decision that will make you happy in the long run. You are a beautiful woman and deserve to be built up and happy!

*hugs* Take care of yourself hun

You deserve better. As you've described it, you are not obese, just a little heavier than you might like and currently going through stress. I dated two guys who thought I needed to be slimmer. I've been married now, many years, to someone who loves me just as I am. And, ironically, I have lost some weight --because I wanted to, not to please my man who found me equally sexy either way. In my experience, you can't lose weight out of fear or to keep someone else happy. I'm so sorry you're going through this -- but my hunch is that he's not the one for you. What if you were in an accident and had something else happen to your body? He wouldn't "fancy" you? There's a reason that many marriage vows include "for better or for worse."

Wow.... brings back memories for me.... I've always struggled with my weight and my husband (ex now) was blessed with no weight issues. At first he made subtle comments about my weight, then even if I would lose weight he wouldn't compliment me on it. He said "Why? You'll just gain it back anyway" Long story short.... after 24 yrs I realized it was a controling issue for him and was causing a huge insecurity issue with me. Now I'm single and struggling to over come the insecurity of my body.

Thinking back I wish I would have handled it differently. I could have confronted him and told him that the things he said was hurtful.

Only you can decide what to do. You need to be happy. Take care of you!

Not much I can say, sometimes men are just *kitten*.... It is hard to juggle stressful work and school, good luck and trust your heart.
Hugs.....

How is that in any way constructive? I'm sorry but don't put this on men!

I have been in a similar relationship before where I was constantly being controlled and constantly knocked down confidence wise by her, I skipped meals and crashed dieted to lose weight but couldn't see it.

The way he went about telling you was wrong maybe he's tried to drop hints and he has been to subtle and has just lost his composure unless he is normally expresses controlling behaviours.


[bold]My honest opinion is don't seek a forum for advice on your personal life and relationships, people will always give opinions depending on their own experience it doesn't make the=m right or wrong but each situation is different and only you know him and if this is out of character?[/bold]

I just wish you happiness in whatever decision you make

Hmmm he's very insensitive in how he told you that. On the other hand he was honest and him giving you a heads up is better than you finding out after you've already married him that he's been getting it on the side etc.
it's a tough one. Is he rude and insensitive to you otherwise? If you really want a future with him you'll always be second guessing whether you're living up to his expectations.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I noticed in your post that you said the gain was due to age? Hmm you're only 29 and you saying that sounds like you don't think you can be fitter? Not that I think you need to be, you're beautiful, but at 33 I can tell you that our age doesn't preclude us from being fit and slim.