In love with a guy who is engaged!

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Replies

  • ashleybreanna13
    ashleybreanna13 Posts: 249 Member
    The fact that you're considering wrecking another couple suggests that you need to get a little distance from this man to clear your head. I think you need to just get away from this guy and this situation. I'm not trying to sound judgmental. I just think you're losing yourself. Ask yourself if you really want to wreck someone else's engagement. And ask yourself how you would feel if someone did that to you. Forget all this talk of missed opportunities and unanswered questions. Don't do it because you're going to loathe yourself for it later.

    this.
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,341 Member
    I doubt that this will get read because I don't exactly look like a person you get relationship advice from, but...

    This does not end the way you want it to. Look, in theory I'm right there with you. Yes, you can meet the exact perfect person even after you've asked someone else to marry you. Even after you've married someone else. That happens all the time and it doesn't make anyone involved a bad person. Every relationship is day to day when you get right down to it. There are times in even the strongest marriages where one person will wake up in the morning, look over that the person laying next to them, and just have nothing. Just... nothing. But you stay. You choose to stay because you know that very recently you felt a ton for them. And you know that they feel a ton for you. And you've built a life. So you stay. And after a few days or weeks or months you wake up in the morning, look over, and it all clicks again. That's just being human. Every relationship is a choice you make every day. However....
    ...He also confides things in me that he says he can't tell his fiance because she won't understand, or she just doesn't "get it" like I do. He invited me to the movies one night when his fiance was staying late at work. He hasn't tried anything, and I haven't either, but there is a ton of flirting going on here and also deep conversations. I honestly feel like if I had met this guy and he was single, we would be together in a heartbeat and I feel like this is the guy I should marry....

    All the nope. All of it is one tremendous flashing red light alerting you to the fact that this is not what you think it is. There is a reason why men in these situations using phrases like "she doesn't understand me the way you do" or "she doesn't get me like you do" has become a cliche. It's not, as the makers of terrible movies would have you believe, a terrible pick up line. It is something that, in that moment, they genuinely believe to be true. The reality, however, is that their wife / fiancee / girlfriend has heard all of this stuff before. Honestly, they have. It's just no longer interesting to them. All of that deep, soul-baring conversation, the appreciation of those odd little quirks, they get buried under the day to day of a grown up relationship. She's seen that deep, soulful side of him. She's also seen him spend three straight hours farting into her sofa. She's lost interest in his esoterics because she is busy building a life with him in the real world. If he doesn't want that life then he should absolutely break off the engagement. But not because of you. And not with you waiting for him when he falls. The issue here is emotional immaturity, and you catching him when he shatters his world will only make that worse. It's fine if he wants you and not her. That's not a crime. But he has to end it with her, and then get over her, before he starts anything with you. From what you're saying it doesn't seem like either one of you is prepared to give it that kind of time.

    Source: A lifetime of screwing up relationships and hurting truly decent women because "OMG I found my MUSE!!!".

    Read this, OP. This guy tells it like it is.
  • SpeSHul_SnoflEHk
    SpeSHul_SnoflEHk Posts: 6,256 Member
    Sounds like someone wants to wet their wick on the side.
  • Wenchiness
    Wenchiness Posts: 126 Member
    So - you tell him, he goes for it, and you will probably have a relatively long time to wonder how soon he will do the same to you. If he did feel the same way, he would break his engagement. Since he hasn't done that, your question has been answered. Find someone unattached.
  • melb_alex
    melb_alex Posts: 1,154 Member
    Seriously? You know he's engaged, don't be a home wrecker.

    There are other guys in this world, I promise.

    What? He's not married, she wouldn't BE a freaking "home wrecker."

    People get out of engagements ALL THE TIME. Get engaged to someone, then they meet someone else, etc. etc.

    The way I see it, there isn't a ring on his finger, anything could happen still.
    Tell him how you feel, be completely honest about it, and if he feels the same way, he'll have some serious thinking to do. If he keeps playing you along, while remaining engaged to be married, he's a d-bag playing around with your feelings and you need to get away.

    And if he marries his fiance... Do not pursue!

    ^ This.

    in this day an age Engagement means jack to most people (unfortuanately marraige 'can' as well)
    As humans, we are susceptible to temptation but we need to be realistic and understand the concept that yes your partners have looked at the opposite sex; we live in the 21st century.

    Tell him how you feel, the job is coming to an end so both sides are advantageous; you confess he succumbs to his feelings or he stays with his fiancee and you don't have to see him again.

    One thing I have learnt, if you want something GO for it. I waited over a year for this guy at gym and now we are great friends because I made the ballsy move, turns out he noticed me from day one ;)

    good luck, let us know how you go.
  • Ninguneado77
    Ninguneado77 Posts: 468
    So - you tell him, he goes for it, and you will probably have a relatively long time to wonder how soon he will do the same to you. If he did feel the same way, he would break his engagement. Since he hasn't done that, your question has been answered. Find someone unattached.

    my thoughts exactly
  • mjrkearney
    mjrkearney Posts: 408 Member
    Love sucks, doesn't it?

    We want our lives to be like the movies. We want them to suddenly realize that we're the one they've been looking for all their lives, and their relationship is just an obstacle on the way to happily ever after. There's a reason these movies don't show what happens twenty years along the line, when the newness wears off.

    For the love of all that's unholy, sit this guy down and talk to him about your concerns. Tell him how you feel and you, him, and the entire predicament. If he offers to leave her, leave him. If he's good with just being friends, friends are good. Friends are great. Friends that you feel like you could share the world with are bloody wonderful.

    Friends that make you wonder "what if?" will cause nothing but heartache.
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
    I say go for it girl. At least you know he's not afraid of commitment.
  • yelliezx
    yelliezx Posts: 633 Member
    Just out of curiosity, how many of the girls telling her to go for it are in a committed relationship or engaged?
  • kbprado
    kbprado Posts: 14 Member
    Don't be that girl!!! Please move on..

    THIS.
  • melb_alex
    melb_alex Posts: 1,154 Member
    ps I think the posters are missing it.

    This guy seems to have all the characteristics that she is looking for, not 'any other' guy may necessarily have them; thus she has found the perfect guy/connection from her perspective.

    #peoplearesostupid

    :sick:
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    I say go for it girl. At least you know he's not afraid of commitment.

    :laugh:
  • lsorci919
    lsorci919 Posts: 772 Member
    I say go for it girl. At least you know he's not afraid of commitment.

    False. If he doesn't follow through with the commitment he has already made to a person he "loves" then obviously commitment doesn't mean jack to him.
  • Seajolly
    Seajolly Posts: 1,435 Member

    6 months and you think he could be the one you marry?

    I'm not trying to be mean, but do you get a lot of attention from guys normally or is this kind of a first?

    I'm 28. I've had a few long-term relationships (3+ years). Ended well for both parties on both occasions - it just didn't work.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    ps I think the posters are missing it.

    This guy seems to have all the characteristics that she is looking for, not 'any other' guy may necessarily have them; thus she has found the perfect guy/connection from her perspective.

    #peoplearesostupid

    :sick:

    Everyone seems like the perfect person during the infatuation period.

    #urnotthatbrighteithertoots
  • willnorton
    willnorton Posts: 995 Member
    I guess Ill catch it over this comment..... what if he feels the same as you do....

    true love might come once in a life time.....

    ask him how he feels, you will at least know where he stands...



    thats about all ill say..

    good luck
  • NavyKnightAh13
    NavyKnightAh13 Posts: 1,394 Member
    Back off and let it go. If its meant to be it will.
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
    I say go for it girl. At least you know he's not afraid of commitment.

    False. If he doesn't follow through with the commitment he has already made to a person he "loves" then obviously commitment doesn't mean jack to him.


    But he's engaged... so he's definitely willing to put a ring on it...
  • melb_alex
    melb_alex Posts: 1,154 Member
    ps I think the posters are missing it.

    This guy seems to have all the characteristics that she is looking for, not 'any other' guy may necessarily have them; thus she has found the perfect guy/connection from her perspective.

    #peoplearesostupid

    :sick:

    Everyone seems like the perfect person during the infatuation period.

    #urnotthatbrighteithertoots

    not when a relationship stems from the initial friendship; you learn more about the person during this stage.

    I don't think the OP insinuated marraige straight away, more should she reveal her feelings.

    Your hashtag is somewhat derogatory and quite ironic given your name.

    ;)
  • heylookitsval
    heylookitsval Posts: 1,141 Member
    I say go for it girl. At least you know he's not afraid of commitment.

    False. If he doesn't follow through with the commitment he has already made to a person he "loves" then obviously commitment doesn't mean jack to him.


    But he's engaged... so he's definitely willing to put a ring on it...

    Let's go to a club together and hit on all the guys with rings!
  • michaelablueeyes
    michaelablueeyes Posts: 38 Member
    How would you feel if you were the one engaged to him, and he was flirting with another women?
    How would you feel if he could speak to another women and not you?
    How do you know he isn't saying the same things to you to another women

    How do you know that he isn't talking about you to the women he is engaged to because he may well infact be really open and honest to her... My point is you only know what HE is TELLING you.


    Be freinds by all means but leave the rest be, he is engaged to her for a reason, most men don't ask someone to marry them if the didn't want them
  • RunsOnEspresso
    RunsOnEspresso Posts: 3,218 Member
    I once had a guy friend that I clicked with and thought we were so perfect. Turned out he had a girlfriend. I showed up at his apartment one night and to my surprise she answered the door. Awkward.

    I ended all communication. She broke up with him. About 6 months later we started talking then dated.

    I got mono and went to the hospital. When I was well enough to communicate with the world again (like a week later), he wouldn't return calls. My friends eventually told me he was dating someone else.

    I eventually heard he was trying to knock her up so she wouldn't leave him. They are married now and I have met the love of my life (after much broken heartedness and being way messed up for awhile - heck I still fear that my BF will leave me. All because of what one man did to me 10 years ago)

    Moral of the story: He probably won't change. Leave it alone.
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,341 Member
    OP, seriously, if I were you I'd play it like this. Tell him that the work thing is finishing up and that you have to finish up your friendship with him too, because you have feelings for him and you need a clean break.

    He will then think about this, and decide whether to break it off and pursue you, or he will go along with your request and break off your friendship.

    You will get your answer without having to be a 'home wrecker' or being the person who made the offer, or being the person who asked him to be with you. You will have done the right, responsible thing, and if it ends up that he then choses to pursue you, it's 100% on his head. If he doesn't come after you, you have a clean break and can move on.

    But I do have to agree, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who flirts with another woman behind his fiancee's back and tells her she "gets him" and that the woman he has agreed to marry doesn't. I do believe that if he can do it to her, he could do it to you too.
  • lsorci919
    lsorci919 Posts: 772 Member
    I say go for it girl. At least you know he's not afraid of commitment.

    False. If he doesn't follow through with the commitment he has already made to a person he "loves" then obviously commitment doesn't mean jack to him.


    But he's engaged... so he's definitely willing to put a ring on it...

    I believe it's all about the follow through.... not saying someone should get married to someone they are truly unhappy with but I doubt that is the case here.
  • bookworm_847
    bookworm_847 Posts: 1,903 Member
    I say go for it girl. At least you know he's not afraid of commitment.

    Or he is.

    Maybe he's the kind of guy who always has to have somebody. Perhaps the fiancée gave him an ultimatum, he didn't have any other prospects, so he popped the question knowing that he wouldn't necessarily have to follow through with it... just hang in there long enough to find the next Ms. Right.

    OP, I've seen guys like this (my sister was married to one). He was in love with being in love, and once that newness was gone and real life set in, it was time to move on. It's entirely possible that things could work out, and he'd be devoted to you forever. But just from what you've said, I'm skeptical.

    Whatever you do, good luck to you.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    ps I think the posters are missing it.

    This guy seems to have all the characteristics that she is looking for, not 'any other' guy may necessarily have them; thus she has found the perfect guy/connection from her perspective.

    #peoplearesostupid

    :sick:

    Everyone seems like the perfect person during the infatuation period.

    #urnotthatbrighteithertoots

    not when a relationship stems from the initial friendship; you learn more about the person during this stage.

    I don't think the OP insinuated marraige straight away, more should she reveal her feelings.

    Your hashtag is somewhat derogatory and quite ironic given your name.

    ;)


    OP said she had fallen for him before she knew he was engaged, which I am assuming was pretty darn quick considering they have only known each other 6 months. And since it has been flirting and no actual romance, I would say she is still infatuated.

    My hashtag was derogatory in at LEAST two ways. And my username would not make it ironic, it would make it expected. :laugh:
  • opalescence
    opalescence Posts: 413 Member
    think about it from another perspective, your engaged to this guy and planning your life together, planning the wedding and you find out the man that you thought loved you with all his heart was texting a cute young thing saying that she dont "get" him anymore... how would you feel?

    It wouldnt hurt to tell him how you feel and tell him thats the reason you cannot continue this friendship because feelings will get hurt, everyones.

    I guess thats just how love works these days, all happy and lovey dovey till something better comes along. I would opt for staying single.
  • wanna_b_there
    wanna_b_there Posts: 295 Member
    he sounds like a great guy. Go for it.


    tHACpjD.gif
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    I say go for it girl. At least you know he's not afraid of commitment.

    False. If he doesn't follow through with the commitment he has already made to a person he "loves" then obviously commitment doesn't mean jack to him.


    But he's engaged... so he's definitely willing to put a ring on it...

    Let's go to a club together and hit on all the guys with rings!

    Good plan, I happen to prefer the married ones! :drinker:
  • melb_alex
    melb_alex Posts: 1,154 Member
    I once had a guy friend that I clicked with and thought we were so perfect. Turned out he had a girlfriend. I showed up at his apartment one night and to my surprise she answered the door. Awkward.

    I ended all communication. She broke up with him. About 6 months later we started talking then dated.

    I got mono and went to the hospital. When I was well enough to communicate with the world again (like a week later), he wouldn't return calls. My friends eventually told me he was dating someone else.

    I eventually heard he was trying to knock her up so she wouldn't leave him. They are married now and I have met the love of my life (after much broken heartedness and being way messed up for awhile - heck I still fear that my BF will leave me. All because of what one man did to me 10 years ago)

    Moral of the story: He probably won't change. Leave it alone.

    This is good, referenced with real life experiences.

    Sorry to hear that but kudos to you for having the balls ;)
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