Nagging about saving money for IVF
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He gets an ALLOWANCE??
Seriously though, good luck conceiving. The sooner you're able to have a child, the sooner you'll stop treating your husband like one.
If you would have read my whole post, you would know that WE, HE and I decided to give him 100.00 a week to spend. I dont have to justify this at ALL! This is a decision WE made together. That is part of a marriage. You decide on things together. No, I dont treat him like a child. We make all of our decisions together. Thanks though lol
But the $100 obviously isn't working out if he's spending more.
And again, he doesn't seem willing to save which makes me think that he is NOT on the same page with you regarding IVF and having children. You need to talk to him -- not the people on the internet -- about all of this. If he was truly 100% "with you" on this then he would have no problem curbing his spending to save the money to get the procedure done.
She'd save a hell of a lot MORE money if she just took his balls out of her purse and gave them back to him.
Just saying.0 -
I was looking for SUPPORTIVE comments. NO need to comment if you are just going to be negative! Goodbye!how about you just have a conversation with your husband and just your husband about it. I wouldn't consider dragging things like this into the public.
I understand the request for ideas but I am sure you can come up with something together. After all you are grown up and married and I am pretty sure also capable of sorting out your finances.0 -
She'd save a hell of a lot MORE money if she just took his balls out of her purse and gave them back to him.
Just saying.
Not sure that she has them, I think he lost them on his own.
But then again, until he wants them they will stay lost.0 -
I don't understand why people are getting their knickers in a twist about the "allowance".
The OP and her husband have agreed a budget between them. They have also agreed between them a fixed and maximum amount of money that they will spend on non essentials - in this case $100 - because they are working towards a long term goal.
Sounds sensible to me...0 -
I was looking for SUPPORTIVE comments. NO need to comment if you are just going to be negative! Goodbye!how about you just have a conversation with your husband and just your husband about it. I wouldn't consider dragging things like this into the public.
I understand the request for ideas but I am sure you can come up with something together. After all you are grown up and married and I am pretty sure also capable of sorting out your finances.
The supportive comments you are looking for are there. You're too wrapped up in the its my way or the highway mentality to see them.
Step back look at your situation as a whole. You're being childish by throwing tantrums, he's being it by being selfish. Is this how you want your kid(s) to be? Fix you first.0 -
I think I am going to sit down with him and ask him if he needs 150 instead and NO going over unless we both find it necessary toOP: If you don't want to nag, don't. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Maybe try $150 instead. Ask him to recommit to it. Then just sit back. You aren't his mother. He's an adult. If he won't do it, he won't do it. Yes, this might delay your IVF but that's on him.
NO NO NO NO Melinda. Don't offer to give him $150 a week. He doesn't need $100 a week to begin with! The stuff he is buying is NOT essential.
What you should do is cut back his allowance to $50 a week and put the other $50, into savings.
When a couple wants a child and isn't able to conceive naturally, they have to sacrifice things like golfing, alcohol, and chewing tobacco in order to pay for IVF or AI.
What it comes down to is if your husband wants this child, he needs to make sacrifices.
This is awful advice.
Agreed. Working out finances requires a certain amount of discussion and tact. My wife and I have done separate bank accounts, budgets with the same account, and everything in between. You have to find what works for you and your spouse, OP, but the one thing that won't is dictating to your spouse.
No, my advice wasn't awful.
There's no reason he needs to spend $100+ on beer, chewing tobacco, etc. a week. Especially when they are trying to save for a baby.
Melinda and her husband need to sit down and she can suggest cutting back his weekly allowance to $50. Whether he cuts back or not is his choice. If he wants a child, his actions will reflect that.
100 a week on things like that isn't really much. I spend that much just on lunch for the week. Let's do the math. A 12 pack a week, which is roughly 2 beers per day (which a lot of people have, because it relaxes you after work) is about 14 dollars for. Chewing tobacco is an addiction, just quiting it sometimes isn't an option without some kind of nicotine relief. Let's say he goes down to one per week, that's let's say 5 dollars. Golfing once a week as his form of release, or something to have fun with? Why should that be cut out? You have to enjoy life too, so that's maybe 40 dollars. Say he wants to go out for lunch once per week, that can easily be 20 dollars if you want to have a good meal, if you're only dooing it once.
So we're sitting at 80 dollars now. The remaining 20 dollars can easily go away via bubblegum, chips at the convenience store, a sode here and there, tic tacs. various other things. 100 dollars doesn't get you far in this day and age.
And as a guy that works a lot, I can tell you that if I didn't have a few things every week just because I wanted them, I'd be a very unhappy person. All work and no play, it's just not good for you.
SO yea, I'm going to have to disagree with your advice.
When a couple is trying to save for a child, sacrifices will need to be made. That's what ADULTS do.
No one said anything about eliminating "fun." There are plenty of things you can do for fun that are free.0 -
I don't understand why people are getting their knickers in a twist about the "allowance".
The OP and her husband have agreed a budget between them. They have also agreed between them a fixed and maximum amount of money that they will spend on non essentials - in this case $100 - because they are working towards a long term goal.
Sounds sensible to me...
Yes, if the plan was stuck too. The problem is it's not being followed. So already they've set up an environment in which rules do not really apply. Is that really what we want? Another person who thinks rules are good except for them?0 -
He gets an ALLOWANCE??
Seriously though, good luck conceiving. The sooner you're able to have a child, the sooner you'll stop treating your husband like one.
If you would have read my whole post, you would know that WE, HE and I decided to give him 100.00 a week to spend. I dont have to justify this at ALL! This is a decision WE made together. That is part of a marriage. You decide on things together. No, I dont treat him like a child. We make all of our decisions together. Thanks though lol
But the $100 obviously isn't working out if he's spending more.
And again, he doesn't seem willing to save which makes me think that he is NOT on the same page with you regarding IVF and having children. You need to talk to him -- not the people on the internet -- about all of this. If he was truly 100% "with you" on this then he would have no problem curbing his spending to save the money to get the procedure done.
ETA: Why does he have an "allowance" any way?:huh:
He has an allowance because that's what OP and her husband agreed on. OP stated it a million times, in case you skipped over it.0 -
I don't understand why people are getting their knickers in a twist about the "allowance".
The OP and her husband have agreed a budget between them. They have also agreed between them a fixed and maximum amount of money that they will spend on non essentials - in this case $100 - because they are working towards a long term goal.
Sounds sensible to me...
To see a grown man defending the concept of another grown man being handed an allowance by his wife is disheartening to my outlook on the male gender..0 -
I don't understand why people are getting their knickers in a twist about the "allowance".
The OP and her husband have agreed a budget between them. They have also agreed between them a fixed and maximum amount of money that they will spend on non essentials - in this case $100 - because they are working towards a long term goal.
Sounds sensible to me...
Yes, if the plan was stuck too. The problem is it's not being followed. So already they've set up an environment in which rules do not really apply. Is that really what we want? Another person who thinks rules are good except for them?
Right.
So the plan isn't working and the OP is trying to find a way to resolve that issue. What's the big deal?0 -
I was looking for SUPPORTIVE comments. NO need to comment if you are just going to be negative! Goodbye!how about you just have a conversation with your husband and just your husband about it. I wouldn't consider dragging things like this into the public.
I understand the request for ideas but I am sure you can come up with something together. After all you are grown up and married and I am pretty sure also capable of sorting out your finances.
The supportive comments you are looking for are there. You're too wrapped up in the its my way or the highway mentality to see them.
Step back look at your situation as a whole. You're being childish by throwing tantrums, he's being it by being selfish. Is this how you want your kid(s) to be? Fix you first.
Just stop. She didn't come here for a critique on her marriage. If you aren't going to post about what the OP is about, don't post at all. You are sabotaging the thread.0 -
The supportive comments you are looking for are there. You're too wrapped up in the its my way or the highway mentality to see them.
Step back look at your situation as a whole. You're being childish by throwing tantrums, he's being it by being selfish.
^^^^^^^^^^This.
Also, what about that idea of flying to another country and getting the procedure done there? That got lost in the discussion as far as I can tell (didn't go through all 15 pages of comments) Even with the plane ticket it's a heck of a lot cheaper elsewhere (Thailand, for example) than here. Plus, many hospitals are set up to accommodate Americans who do exactly that: fly in to save money and fly out again.
Yes, IVF take take several cycles, but seriously, look into how much it would cost, even if you had to stay there more than a month and take a leave of absence from your job. Chances are it would still cost less than $21K.0 -
How are you saving? It sounds like (due to the transferring from your savings to chequings being very easy and not costing you money) that you're using a standard savings account with low interest return rates.
Make your money work FOR you! Try setting up a short term mutual fund that is conservative - with an estimated 5% interest. No, it's not guaranteed. But it's far more likely you'll have it making money than that regular old 0.1% interest savings account.
A GIC is another option. Usually these can range from a 1 - 3% interest range depending on how long you lock your money in for. Keep in mind that if you're not making at LEAST 2% interest that you're NOT even covering inflation and that you are technically losing money!
The other nice things about these types of accounts is that there tend to be fees if you take out the money before you've indicated you will - which may help stop your husband from dipping into your savings on his own.
Other ideas include:
Use cash for everything, and LOCK UP YOUR CREDIT CARDS in a family member's house so that you cannot get them. You say he gets an allowance of $100 dollars a week - I tell you that's a lot of money every week. Put his $100 (maybe reduce to $75) in an envelope. Then put money for groceries in another envelope. Then money for gas in a third envelope. Use that money. When it runs out, too bad, so sad, you can't refill it until the first of the month so you'll have to eat out of your freezer, bum dinners off family if you can. But obviously, the ideal is that you learn how to spread it out correctly for the month.
Finally, open a savings account in your name only (ideally the mutual or GIC). Move your money from your current savings account to this account and be the "gate keeper" of the account. He doesn't draw from it unless you put the transaction through for him.
Also, keep in mind that the success rate for IVF can be on the low side (though I really hope it works for you!) - plan to put away enough money for 2 - 3 tries. If it works the first time, then great, you have a baby fund started!
ETA:
Just a quick calculation. Say you have $5000 saved up. 0.2% of that is around $10 that money will make in a year sitting in an account (compound interest - compounded monthly). A 5% mutual fund will make you closer to $250 on that $5000. It might cost you $50 to invest (and yes, you can set up auto investments to help with dollar cost averaging). So you'd be ahead by around $190 on the original $5000.
ETA2: A note on mutual funds - you probably want to avoid using more moderate or aggressive funds as the risk that you'll lose what you saved is a bit higher since you're only looking at keeping the money in there for a year. These types of funds are far better for retirement savings when they have MANY years to catch up from the dips.
A note about GICs - You might have to look around a lot for a good one - many are structured to lock your money in for greater than one year. But the interest is guaranteed - so the rate they quote is the rate you'll get.
A note about IVF - do your research. Different hospitals in the country will have completely different success rates (ranging as much as a 10%). I know someone who lived in Winnipeg (my city) but the rate of success here compared to a BC hospital was very significant. So they ALSO are saving for a trip to British Columbia to get the IVF done - yes extra cost, but if it works the first time due to the higher success rates, they're saving tons of money over having to potentially have to try IVF an extra time in Winnipeg.0 -
I don't understand why people are getting their knickers in a twist about the "allowance".
The OP and her husband have agreed a budget between them. They have also agreed between them a fixed and maximum amount of money that they will spend on non essentials - in this case $100 - because they are working towards a long term goal.
Sounds sensible to me...
To see a grown man defending the concept of another grown man being handed an allowance by his wife is disheartening to my outlook on the male gender..
Lol - what nonsense.
It was an agreed budget for non essentials. That's what partners do. Talk to each other and agree things which work within the parameters of their relationship.
There's an assumption being made here based on no evidence whatsoever: that the OP is controlling her husband and he is passively accepting. To me that says more about the outlook of the people making the assumptions than the OP.0 -
I don't understand why people are getting their knickers in a twist about the "allowance".
The OP and her husband have agreed a budget between them. They have also agreed between them a fixed and maximum amount of money that they will spend on non essentials - in this case $100 - because they are working towards a long term goal.
Sounds sensible to me...
To see a grown man defending the concept of another grown man being handed an allowance by his wife is disheartening to my outlook on the male gender..
So don't use the word "allowance". A married couple has established a budget that includes "spending" money for him. They did this together. This is the same as an individual, a government or a company establishing a budget. Yes, it does get a little "mother-ish" when she starts nagging him about it, which is why a lot of us have advised her to stop doing that. And she said in the first post that she didn't like it and wanted to stop.
I just thought of something OP. Have you looked into mint.com? I think you can set it up so it'll send you text when you exceed a budget item. If it's a text from an app that reminds him he's over budget it takes you out of it.0 -
I don't understand why people are getting their knickers in a twist about the "allowance".
The OP and her husband have agreed a budget between them. They have also agreed between them a fixed and maximum amount of money that they will spend on non essentials - in this case $100 - because they are working towards a long term goal.
Sounds sensible to me...
To see a grown man defending the concept of another grown man being handed an allowance by his wife is disheartening to my outlook on the male gender..
You must be getting confused over the word "allowance."
OP isn't simply forking over $100 to her husband every week. They decided that he is allowed to spend $100 a week TOGETHER. That is what married couples do.
Your comments on this thread are showing a lot about your character and it isn't pretty. Assumptions make you look like an *kitten*.0 -
Also why would you WANT children? They are endless money pits!!! I thought people only had kids by accident nowadays?
Good thing for you, your parents didn't think this way. :frown:0 -
I was looking for SUPPORTIVE comments. NO need to comment if you are just going to be negative! Goodbye!how about you just have a conversation with your husband and just your husband about it. I wouldn't consider dragging things like this into the public.
I understand the request for ideas but I am sure you can come up with something together. After all you are grown up and married and I am pretty sure also capable of sorting out your finances.
The supportive comments you are looking for are there. You're too wrapped up in the its my way or the highway mentality to see them.
Step back look at your situation as a whole. You're being childish by throwing tantrums, he's being it by being selfish. Is this how you want your kid(s) to be? Fix you first.
You actually sound kind of bitter. There really isn't anything wrong with her posting a relationship question on the internet.
Your supportive suggestion was to talk to her husband. That one has been covered in this thread. Life isn't always cut and dry. Some problems are more pervasive and troubling than others. Some people are better able to problem-solve by bouncing ideas off other people. The internet is a great place to do that as you are sure to get a variety of opinions. She has not put her husband down. She has not painted him in a bad light. I don't see at all that she has a "my way or the highway" mentality. She has said that she would not be leaving her husband because of this issue. Were you referring to the way she treated you? Because your suggestion, while a wise one, is only going to get her part way to the solution. And in the process of providing her with only a partial solution that has already been covered, you attacked her and called her childish.
Why don't you fix you before you give out advice on the internet? Especially since you have such a huge problem with people asking for it.0 -
I don't understand why people are getting their knickers in a twist about the "allowance".
The OP and her husband have agreed a budget between them. They have also agreed between them a fixed and maximum amount of money that they will spend on non essentials - in this case $100 - because they are working towards a long term goal.
Sounds sensible to me...
To see a grown man defending the concept of another grown man being handed an allowance by his wife is disheartening to my outlook on the male gender..
To see a grown man defending the concept that a "man" should be "in control" of all of his decisions and the family money is disheartening. They agreed on a budget. He has an amount to spend. They both agreed on it. You are saying he should just do what he wants because "he's the man" right? Sounds chauvinistic and childish to me.0 -
I don't understand why people are getting their knickers in a twist about the "allowance".
The OP and her husband have agreed a budget between them. They have also agreed between them a fixed and maximum amount of money that they will spend on non essentials - in this case $100 - because they are working towards a long term goal.
Sounds sensible to me...
To see a grown man defending the concept of another grown man being handed an allowance by his wife is disheartening to my outlook on the male gender..
... Oh great. You must be a man's man.0
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