Nagging about saving money for IVF

Ok, so I hope I don't get yelled at for this, but......If it's not happening naturally, then maybe it's not supposed to happen. Try adoption. There are lots of kids out there who need homes. All the nagging and such will cause problems in the marriage. I know adoptions cost money too, but it might be less stress on both of you. Just my opinion.

how about you just have a conversation with your husband and just your husband about it. I wouldn't consider dragging things like this into the public.

I understand the request for ideas but I am sure you can come up with something together. After all you are grown up and married and I am pretty sure also capable of sorting out your finances.

I was looking for SUPPORTIVE comments. NO need to comment if you are just going to be negative! Goodbye!

The supportive comments you are looking for are there. You're too wrapped up in the its my way or the highway mentality to see them.

Step back look at your situation as a whole. You're being childish by throwing tantrums, he's being it by being selfish. Is this how you want your kid(s) to be? Fix you first.

You actually sound kind of bitter. There really isn't anything wrong with her posting a relationship question on the internet.

Your supportive suggestion was to talk to her husband. That one has been covered in this thread. Life isn't always cut and dry. Some problems are more pervasive and troubling than others. Some people are better able to problem-solve by bouncing ideas off other people. The internet is a great place to do that as you are sure to get a variety of opinions. She has not put her husband down. She has not painted him in a bad light. I don't see at all that she has a "my way or the highway" mentality. She has said that she would not be leaving her husband because of this issue. Were you referring to the way she treated you? Because your suggestion, while a wise one, is only going to get her part way to the solution. And in the process of providing her with only a partial solution that has already been covered, you attacked her and called her childish.

Why don't you fix you before you give out advice on the internet? Especially since you have such a huge problem with people asking for it.

Life is that cut and dry. Communicate, make a decision and follow through. I'm not bitter at all. I called her childish because after 14 pages and the repeated advice of talk to your husband because there seems to be a difference in pages of what they both actually want out of life, has been ignored. I'm all for the internet and getting opinions and learning from others who are in different walks of life than yours. However if a majority are all telling you the same thing its called get a clue. She has painted her husband in a bad light. She basically has told us that he has no regard for how she feels. Because she said that they agreed on a budget and he won't stick to it. That being said to me screams that he doesn't actually care about what they agreed upon together and now she is trying to figure out how to get it to go back to her way. The only way for them to work this out isn't a money problem its a respect problem that only they can figure out. Maybe they can go spend some money first on couseling then IVF.

Nah. He could really want to save for IVF long-term and do a poor job with "in the moment" decisions. There's been a lot of research on some of the weaknesses the human brain has for these sorts of things.

However, it's his issue and he needs to be the one to take responsibility for sorting it out. There are things that they can do together that will make it easier for him to make the decisions he *really* wants to be making, but he's got to be the actor here.

I don't understand why people are getting their knickers in a twist about the "allowance".

The OP and her husband have agreed a budget between them. They have also agreed between them a fixed and maximum amount of money that they will spend on non essentials - in this case $100 - because they are working towards a long term goal.

Sounds sensible to me...

To see a grown man defending the concept of another grown man being handed an allowance by his wife is disheartening to my outlook on the male gender..

To see a grown man defending the concept that a "man" should be "in control" of all of his decisions and the family money is disheartening. They agreed on a budget. He has an amount to spend. They both agreed on it. You are saying he should just do what he wants because "he's the man" right? Sounds chauvinistic and childish to me.

Great. Put words into my mouth in order to argue against them.

Well done.

Please......by all means tell me how you meant it. Do try to explain.

Though I'm able to do so, I don't feel the need to explain myself to whoever you are.

You've gleamed what you need to from my statement and I'll sleep just fine tonight having forgotten all about it.

You're so full of crap. You made some chauvinistic bs comments and got called out on it and now you want to pretend like it didn't happen. This isn't the 50s. Men aren't better than women. We don't rule the household. Marriage is a partnership and it's a two way street.

If you say so.

Again, I don't have to defend myself against words that I never uttered.

So you can repeat as many truisms as you want, it doesn't make a difference. I'm just entertaining myself with the last few minutes that I have at my desk.

Buddy, you didn't have to say it. Your comments spoke for themselves!

Errr, what comments of mine were so controversial?

You have a self imposed timeline that is stressing you out and probably him as well. While the saving is important and the desire you get pregnant can be overwhelming - TAKE A BREAK!
You have said yourself that you are only 31.
Sit down together and discuss the possibility of a baby break for at least 6 months, that means no planning, no procedures, no tests, no doctors, no internet advice.
Put some effort into redefining yourselves as individuals and as a couple. If you need the timeline, mark a calendar with a reconvene date to start baby mode again, but allow yourselves to heal from all the medical intrusion into your marriage.
Make sex about your personal connection to each other, not goal oriented.
It really sounds like both of your minds need some down time - not give up time, just rest.
Best of luck!

He is the one who mentioned getting an allowance of $100.00 a week. My allowance: ZERO. Honestly, all I do is buy groceries and gas. I'm not your average girl that goes shopping to buy clothes and shoes. Once in a blue moon I will.

I don't understand why people are getting their knickers in a twist about the "allowance".

The OP and her husband have agreed a budget between them. They have also agreed between them a fixed and maximum amount of money that they will spend on non essentials - in this case $100 - because they are working towards a long term goal.

Sounds sensible to me...

To see a grown man defending the concept of another grown man being handed an allowance by his wife is disheartening to my outlook on the male gender..

To see a grown man defending the concept that a "man" should be "in control" of all of his decisions and the family money is disheartening. They agreed on a budget. He has an amount to spend. They both agreed on it. You are saying he should just do what he wants because "he's the man" right? Sounds chauvinistic and childish to me.

Great. Put words into my mouth in order to argue against them.

Well done.

Please......by all means tell me how you meant it. Do try to explain.

Though I'm able to do so, I don't feel the need to explain myself to whoever you are.

You've gleamed what you need to from my statement and I'll sleep just fine tonight having forgotten all about it.

You're so full of crap. You made some chauvinistic bs comments and got called out on it and now you want to pretend like it didn't happen. This isn't the 50s. Men aren't better than women. We don't rule the household. Marriage is a partnership and it's a two way street.

If you say so.

Again, I don't have to defend myself against words that I never uttered.

So you can repeat as many truisms as you want, it doesn't make a difference. I'm just entertaining myself with the last few minutes that I have at my desk.

Buddy, you didn't have to say it. Your comments spoke for themselves!

Errr, what comments of mine were so controversial?

"To see a grown man defending the concept of another grown man being handed an allowance by his wife is disheartening to my outlook on the male gender.. "

Oh, and the comment about her holding his balls in her purse.

Your comments imply that men are greater than women and men should always be in charge. If you can't see that, I feel sorry for you.

Why not adopt some of the millions of babies out there that need you instead of making more mouths to feed?

Ok, so I hope I don't get yelled at for this, but......If it's not happening naturally, then maybe it's not supposed to happen. Try adoption. There are lots of kids out there who need homes. All the nagging and such will cause problems in the marriage. I know adoptions cost money too, but it might be less stress on both of you. Just my opinion.

Errr, what comments of mine were so controversial?

He gets an ALLOWANCE??

Seriously though, good luck conceiving. The sooner you're able to have a child, the sooner you'll stop treating your husband like one.

She'd save a hell of a lot MORE money if she just took his balls out of her purse and gave them back to him.

Just saying.

To see a grown man defending the concept of another grown man being handed an allowance by his wife is disheartening to my outlook on the male gender..

Of course, so what I needed to say was that the concept of seeing one PERSON being handed an allowance by their PARTNER is disheartening to my outlook on PEOPLE. Gotcha. I'll be sure to give you the PG / PG12 version whenever I decide to contribute to someones post.

You decide to draw your own implications from my posts like most people do and however incorrect, you stand by them.

Anyway.

Of course, so what I needed to say was that the concept of seeing one PERSON being handed an allowance by their PARTNER is disheartening to my outlook on PEOPLE. Gotcha. I'll be sure to give you the PG / PG12 version whenever I decide to contribute to someones post.

You decide to draw your own implications from my posts like most people do and however incorrect, you stand by them.

Anyway.

It's not an allowance. It's an agreed upon amount budgeted and agreed upon by both individuals. She is simply trying to get him to actually stick to it. Can you read and comprehend or did you just choose to comment without reading the thread?

Of course, so what I needed to say was that the concept of seeing one PERSON being handed an allowance by their PARTNER is disheartening to my outlook on PEOPLE. Gotcha. I'll be sure to give you the PG / PG12 version whenever I decide to contribute to someones post.

You decide to draw your own implications from my posts like most people do and however incorrect, you stand by them.

Anyway.

It's not an allowance. It's an agreed upon amount budgeted and agreed upon by both individuals. She is simply trying to get him to actually stick to it. Can you read and comprehend or did you just choose to comment without reading the thread?

I think it's reasonable to conclude that if the wife is on here complaining about her husband not sticking to what they "agreed" then the husband may not have agreed to it. We also haven't heard his side so I think it's early to draw much in the way of conclusions or to offer advice other than "speak with your husband." That said, I think the fact that everyone draws their own conclusions is what makes these threads so much fun to read.

Of course, so what I needed to say was that the concept of seeing one PERSON being handed an allowance by their PARTNER is disheartening to my outlook on PEOPLE. Gotcha. I'll be sure to give you the PG / PG12 version whenever I decide to contribute to someones post.

You decide to draw your own implications from my posts like most people do and however incorrect, you stand by them.

Anyway.

It's not an allowance. It's an agreed upon amount budgeted and agreed upon by both individuals. She is simply trying to get him to actually stick to it. Can you read and comprehend or did you just choose to comment without reading the thread?

I think it's reasonable to conclude that if the wife is on here complaining about her husband not sticking to what they "agreed" then the husband may not have agreed to it. We also haven't heard his side so I think it's early to draw much in the way of conclusions or to offer advice other than "speak with your husband." That said, I think the fact that everyone draws their own conclusions is what makes these threads so much fun to read.

That's a fair point. It is possible that he has not agreed, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Your husband's seeming denial about the need to save money may arise from him having emotional issues about being 'defective', or concerns about passing on his problem. He may be thinking that IVF is pointless and won't work for him anyway, and be secretly in despair over this--spending the money could be a way to avoid failing by not having IVF work.

This is kind of what I was going to say. I believe this is the problem. Your husband isn't committing to the saving because he isn't committing to the IVF. You are still trying naturally.....He doesn't want to believe he can't do it on his own. Having to go IVF makes him weaker and less of a man. There have to be a lot of emotional issues tied up in that.