always friendzoned - advice?

rambabean wrote: »

http://www.girlonthenet.com/2013/01/05/friend-zone-nice-guys-of-ok/

This article is a little mean and blunt and might not apply to your situation exactly, but might make you chuckle and give you a different viewpoint on the "Friend Zone". FYI, it is on a sex blog so the adverts are NSFW!

Your friends are completely right when they say to just be yourself, that's all you can be and someone will love you for it. I'd also add that if you generalise 50% of the worlds population as "girls" and assume they all think the same, you're going to get slapped a few times.

mumblemagic wrote: »

enoughisenough9 wrote: »

rambabean wrote: »

http://www.girlonthenet.com/2013/01/05/friend-zone-nice-guys-of-ok/

This article is a little mean and blunt and might not apply to your situation exactly, but might make you chuckle and give you a different viewpoint on the "Friend Zone". FYI, it is on a sex blog so the adverts are NSFW!

Your friends are completely right when they say to just be yourself, that's all you can be and someone will love you for it. I'd also add that if you generalise 50% of the worlds population as "girls" and assume they all think the same, you're going to get slapped a few times.

In similar taste to this response - whenever I hear someone say "friendzone" my mind always jumps to this: http://i.imgur.com/FLkTlUl.jpg.

There is no such thing as the friendzone.

These posters have pretty much summed up my feelings. There are numerous other rants to this effect from female bloggers because sadly, too many of us have experienced a guy "friend" with a "nice guys finish last" attitude not respecting our right to not sleep with them.

That said, I am currently in a very good relationship with a guy I was friends with for 5 years before we started dating. We've been together 4 years and our friendship made a fantastic foundation for our relationship.

If you fancy a girl, say hi, try chatting to her. Not with stupid PUA lines but genuinely show interest in who she is. Guys who find women mystifying are those who don't bother to get to know the women they date. We're actually not that incomprehensible - we just are not all the same person in different bodies. Treat the women you fancy as human beings and individuals, not as trophies to be won, or notches on your bedpost and you will likely find someone who will fancy you back.

TheLegendaryBrandonHarris wrote: »

I've tried a lot of different ways, mainly based on time periods in my life and how I was feeling. It wasn't a conscious choice---shy and awkward in the early years, cocky and confident in my 20s, more reserved in college (I started college in my late 20s and most of the girls I dated were 5 to 9 years younger than me), then after college back to low self-confidence, and currently becoming the confident Alpha type again. It's how I feel about myself, which is heavily driven by how fat or thin I am.

The truth is, don't ask women what women want because they don't know. The answer you'll get will be what they want to be true, although that won't harmonize with reality. Be yourself, as long as yourself is confident and motivated. I know that sounds like I'm a jerk and I know people will throw things at me, but that's all there is to it.

Now, there are tons of subtleties to this. I dont mean act like Gaston from "Beauty and the Beast." I mean someone who is confident in their abilities while being gracious to others. For instance, you see someone broken down on the side of the road and you say, "I'm going to stop because I can help these people, even if its just asking if they are OK and have mobile phone."
Confidence isn't something you can will or conjure up. It's learned and it's felt and it comes from action and experience. Make sure you're always studying something. Learning to do things, anything. It makes your mind better and you'll think differently, and confidenence grows out of knowing you are a pretty good guy who takes care of his body and mind and is strong enough to look out for and take care of others. This also ties in to motivation. Be doing something. Set goals and objectives. Women do not like idle men.

Also, be generous. They like that. So does the person you help. And it's the right thing to do. Win/win/win. Be confident enough to say nice things about people. Weak men cry and moan and tear other people down, and it's unattractive. Be a builder. Build a better body, mind, a stronger character. That goes a long way. And don't forget to have fun.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OzDSCqmAgY

TheLegendaryBrandonHarris wrote: »

I understand that you don't like what I said. I understand that you are trying to use signal words like rapey to let everyone else know that I am the bad guy and to scare me into being quiet. It's OK. A lot of people do that when they see things they don't like. Unfortunately, it stifles an honest discussion.

But you are right. For more clarity I should have stated it thusly:
Don't ask women what women want in a man because they don't know.

Yes our tiny little fluffy feminine brains are incapable of making decisions. How condescending. And a little rapey, although I hope that's not how you intended it to come across.

lydiakitten wrote: »

Yes. They do. Most women do know what they want. Not accurately, but at least vaguely, they do.

We are largely sick of this whole "Alpha males" and "Beta males" nonsense, and the ridiculous macho PUA lines, and the whole "I'm gonna neg her to show my confidence" kind of crap. We can smell someone who is following those ridiculously sexist manblogs for dating advice, is a "men's right activist", reproduces lines he's seen on a youtube video, and is trying to "act Alpha", from a mile away. And though a very few of us, mostly those who see themselves as bimbo prizes to be won, will be attracted to that kind of man, the vast majority of us are very strongly repulsed.

No, we are generally not indecisive, hormonal creatures who have secret switches in their brains, and if you somehow trigger their prehistoric soft spots their legs will open. I have come across a thousand of these puerile articles, and every single woman I know is deeply disgusted by men who actually read and believe that crap.

To the OP... Look, each woman has her own taste and her own fantasies. My man is not ripped and fit and hypermasculine; he is rather the aristocratic, quiet, elegant type. Some women would find him unattractive no doubt, but to me the intelligent discussions we have, his understanding and his intuition and his smoothness, the long lithe limbs and the slender wrists are insanely attractive. That's me. I know a girl who likes tall men, and finds that to be a strong priority in her dating life. I know another who cares very little about appearance, but always ends up being attracted to men who are the safe, hard-working, honest, simple kind. And yet another who always gets into battles of wit and will fall for anyone that can meet her witty banter needs and get her geeky references.

Women are not some hive mind. We don't all have the same tastes and the same priorities. Burn your PUA books and forget whatever you read. I assure you that all you need to do is work on yourself, for yourself, to make yourself more like what you want to be, what would make you feel more confident and more comfortable. Become emotionally and psychologically independent, self-sufficient, healthy. And then, if you keep being sociable and open to meeting people, you will eventually come across a likeable girl whose type will be exactly you.

Ps. Woman like to be desired -like everyone does, including men- but they mostly don't like to be objectified (unless it's sexual roleplay/play/consensual dirty talking). Don't treat them as a puzzle you need to solve, as if each one has a secret code and if you hit it sex will come out. They're just people, as complex and diverse as men, and you should approach them exactly as such.