Four bags of Oreos
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I'm sorry your husband brought in all those tempting foods. Not only is it hard to resist those foods, but it flies in the opposite direction of the goal of your discussion: to eat more sensibly and healthier. Perhaps "the discussion" made him feel like he has to give something up. And the purchases could have been a reaction to this, and taking back what he thought he lost. It must be doubly hard for you to want not only what's best for you, but also what's best for your husband. But, if he's not ready to make the same commitments, you can still have your own. Yes, it would be way easier if he were on board, but it's not necessary. You can do this. Maybe after watching you achieve your own goals and seeing the benefits, he might want to have "the discussion" again, but this time it will come from him, and not "at him" which is how he might perceive it at this particular time. He also might not ever want the same thing for himself when it comes to food and eating healthy... in which case you might just have to accept that about him.0
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APeacefulWarrior wrote: »I'm sensing the overall feeling is put up and shut up until the EMT's come to pick one of us up. (I know there are a couple people who have a better understanding of why I'm so upset - I realize that doesn't represent you)
So essentially, if you witnessed your spouse or significant other downing a bottle of poison, you'd just sit back ( or join them) and say "hey, he (or she) is an adult and if they want to finish off that poison, well then, that's their right."? That doesn't seem very loving, concerned or compassionate, but maybe that's where we are as a society... accepting and then sticking your head in the sand to ignore seems to be the expectation. Not sure I can be on board with that, but I think that's what he expects of me too.
I understand perfectly. It's not like he's single. What he does affects your life very heavily as well as his own, and that matters. A marriage involves commitment, responsibility, and sometimes compromise, it does not mean going "lalalala i will do whatever i want regardless of the consequences because i am over 21 years old." When a person gets married, they supposedly accept the responsibility that their behavior greatly affects their spouse and that therefore they may have to make some compromises so as not to make that person's life miserable. You are accepting YOUR spousal responsibility in supporting him and trying to help him stick to the plans his doctor(s) laid out for him. Now he needs to accept his. Does he think you deserve to have to watch him die, and basically make yourself over into a home health nurse, for something he could easily avoid?
Which is why they need to learn to communicate about the whole issue, not control each other or passively let each other do whatever, as so many have suggested. She can't control him by 'throwing everything out', or just let him blithely do whatever he wants. They need to sit down and discuss the situation rationally. Communication in any relationship is definitely the most important aspect.
Yes, this is a marriage issue primarily. I mean, they had that rational discussion, and he went out and did something directly contradicting what they agreed to. That's not passive aggressive, that's just plain aggressive. I think counseling is in order. If they figure that part out, helping each other eat to plan is easy.
They had one discussion, and he went out and did something that's probably a lifetime habit for him. Communication in a relationship is not a one-and-done. It's an ongoing deal. Breaking habits is incredibly difficult. Especially when he went alone to the store and things were probably on sale, and who knows if he went to the store hungry, or any other details. Every body is ready to crucify this poor guy based on one day.
It's not communicate and we're done, it's communicate,communicate, communicate. Every. Damned. Day. That's why it's called work in a relationship. it's never over, you just keep going and going. They're going to have to keep doing it and it will be hard, especially as they're trying to lose weight together and break shopping and eating habits together, and they're not in the same place on it.
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OP, I didn't read all six pages of comments, but I wanted to say that your husband might have kind of panicked a little at the thought of trying to make some healthy changes, and then did something to sabotage it so he didn't even have to try. I agree with everyone else who said (1) you can't change him and trying to do so is only going to lead to unhappiness (2) you can still make the changes you want to make, although it is going to be harder than it would be if he was willing to change with you. What I would add is that he might be more okay with making small changes, and he also might come around in time. It's really tough when people in a marriage have different goals about anything (like one wants to save more than the other), but you CAN be the master of your own destiny. Good for you for trying to make your life better! Keep it up.0
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APeacefulWarrior wrote: »I'm sensing the overall feeling is put up and shut up until the EMT's come to pick one of us up. (I know there are a couple people who have a better understanding of why I'm so upset - I realize that doesn't represent you)
So essentially, if you witnessed your spouse or significant other downing a bottle of poison, you'd just sit back ( or join them) and say "hey, he (or she) is an adult and if they want to finish off that poison, well then, that's their right."? That doesn't seem very loving, concerned or compassionate, but maybe that's where we are as a society... accepting and then sticking your head in the sand to ignore seems to be the expectation. Not sure I can be on board with that, but I think that's what he expects of me too.
I understand perfectly. It's not like he's single. What he does affects your life very heavily as well as his own, and that matters. A marriage involves commitment, responsibility, and sometimes compromise, it does not mean going "lalalala i will do whatever i want regardless of the consequences because i am over 21 years old." When a person gets married, they supposedly accept the responsibility that their behavior greatly affects their spouse and that therefore they may have to make some compromises so as not to make that person's life miserable. You are accepting YOUR spousal responsibility in supporting him and trying to help him stick to the plans his doctor(s) laid out for him. Now he needs to accept his. Does he think you deserve to have to watch him die, and basically make yourself over into a home health nurse, for something he could easily avoid?
Which is why they need to learn to communicate about the whole issue, not control each other or passively let each other do whatever, as so many have suggested. She can't control him by 'throwing everything out', or just let him blithely do whatever he wants. They need to sit down and discuss the situation rationally. Communication in any relationship is definitely the most important aspect.
Yes, this is a marriage issue primarily. I mean, they had that rational discussion, and he went out and did something directly contradicting what they agreed to. That's not passive aggressive, that's just plain aggressive. I think counseling is in order. If they figure that part out, helping each other eat to plan is easy.
You're not married, are you?
Counseling, over something going differently than hoped after just one discussion?
Counseling sounds like trying to force things to go "your way", more than a concern for the husband's health.
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Chrysalid2014 wrote: »kimondo666 wrote: »Try to persuade him if he has sweettooth that he eats raw fruit, and not zero nutrient refined sugar in sweets. Bananas are a whole lot better, or apples. Even dried fruits are much better.
i fail to see the correlation between a sweet tooth and eating raw foods…..
Er... raw fruit is sweet..(?)
and source of sugar does not matter...
I read something yesterday about why fruit sugar is "better" than added sugar in other carbohydrate-loaded foods. Apparently the digestion of sugar requires certain micronutrients that are also delivered in fresh fruit. However, if you eat (for example) a candy bar, it doesn't contain any of the vitamins required to digest it, so essentially by eating the candy bar you're dipping into (depleting) your reserve of micronutrients.
So, the logic that you can get your day's nutrition and then spend any 'leftover' calories on junk without detriment to your health is somewhat flawed...
Link to said study..?
What difference does it matter if I get my micros from fruit or from a different source? So, if I take a fiber and multivitamin pill with my oreos does that then make them good, because nutrients??? What if I have already hit my micro goals for the day and then eat oreos, do the oreos make my day unhealthy, because added sugar? OR, is the added sugar in the oreo now good, because micros?
What you feel to realize, despite repeated attempts to tell you is what matters is the context of the overall diet, and not one food choice contained there in.
I found the source of my information and have posted it in a separate thread, as I don't want to derail this discussion.
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10156034/sugar-as-poison?new=10 -
Yeah, darlin, you're getting torn up over there too. Check it out.0
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I only read the first page or so, but your husband sounds a lot like mine. He has a host of medical problems (including diabetes) I won't go into all of that, but he thinks if his numbers are coming down (they are no where near good) and he's making a few healthy choices. He's doing AWESOME. (Read heavy sarcasm) I can't make him do better. I have tried to educate him on what his food and life choices are doing to him but he just doesn't get it.
I'm just hoping he figures it out before his health gets even worse.
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Chrysalid2014 wrote: »Chrysalid2014 wrote: »kimondo666 wrote: »Try to persuade him if he has sweettooth that he eats raw fruit, and not zero nutrient refined sugar in sweets. Bananas are a whole lot better, or apples. Even dried fruits are much better.
i fail to see the correlation between a sweet tooth and eating raw foods…..
Er... raw fruit is sweet..(?)
and source of sugar does not matter...
I read something yesterday about why fruit sugar is "better" than added sugar in other carbohydrate-loaded foods. Apparently the digestion of sugar requires certain micronutrients that are also delivered in fresh fruit. However, if you eat (for example) a candy bar, it doesn't contain any of the vitamins required to digest it, so essentially by eating the candy bar you're dipping into (depleting) your reserve of micronutrients.
So, the logic that you can get your day's nutrition and then spend any 'leftover' calories on junk without detriment to your health is somewhat flawed...
Link to said study..?
What difference does it matter if I get my micros from fruit or from a different source? So, if I take a fiber and multivitamin pill with my oreos does that then make them good, because nutrients??? What if I have already hit my micro goals for the day and then eat oreos, do the oreos make my day unhealthy, because added sugar? OR, is the added sugar in the oreo now good, because micros?
What you feel to realize, despite repeated attempts to tell you is what matters is the context of the overall diet, and not one food choice contained there in.
I found the source of my information and have posted it in a separate thread, as I don't want to derail this discussion.
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10156034/sugar-as-poison?new=1
You mean the woo-woo book from 1975?0 -
SO agree!mamapeach910 wrote: »APeacefulWarrior wrote: »I'm sensing the overall feeling is put up and shut up until the EMT's come to pick one of us up. (I know there are a couple people who have a better understanding of why I'm so upset - I realize that doesn't represent you)
So essentially, if you witnessed your spouse or significant other downing a bottle of poison, you'd just sit back ( or join them) and say "hey, he (or she) is an adult and if they want to finish off that poison, well then, that's their right."? That doesn't seem very loving, concerned or compassionate, but maybe that's where we are as a society... accepting and then sticking your head in the sand to ignore seems to be the expectation. Not sure I can be on board with that, but I think that's what he expects of me too.
I understand perfectly. It's not like he's single. What he does affects your life very heavily as well as his own, and that matters. A marriage involves commitment, responsibility, and sometimes compromise, it does not mean going "lalalala i will do whatever i want regardless of the consequences because i am over 21 years old." When a person gets married, they supposedly accept the responsibility that their behavior greatly affects their spouse and that therefore they may have to make some compromises so as not to make that person's life miserable. You are accepting YOUR spousal responsibility in supporting him and trying to help him stick to the plans his doctor(s) laid out for him. Now he needs to accept his. Does he think you deserve to have to watch him die, and basically make yourself over into a home health nurse, for something he could easily avoid?
Which is why they need to learn to communicate about the whole issue, not control each other or passively let each other do whatever, as so many have suggested. She can't control him by 'throwing everything out', or just let him blithely do whatever he wants. They need to sit down and discuss the situation rationally. Communication in any relationship is definitely the most important aspect.
Yes, this is a marriage issue primarily. I mean, they had that rational discussion, and he went out and did something directly contradicting what they agreed to. That's not passive aggressive, that's just plain aggressive. I think counseling is in order. If they figure that part out, helping each other eat to plan is easy.
You're not married, are you?
Counseling, over something going differently than hoped after just one discussion?
Counseling sounds like trying to force things to go "your way", more than a concern for the husband's health.
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liekewheeless wrote: »I only read the first page or so, but your husband sounds a lot like mine. He has a host of medical problems (including diabetes) I won't go into all of that, but he thinks if his numbers are coming down (they are no where near good) and he's making a few healthy choices. He's doing AWESOME. (Read heavy sarcasm) I can't make him do better. I have tried to educate him on what his food and life choices are doing to him but he just doesn't get it.
I'm just hoping he figures it out before his health gets even worse.
If you are using sarcasm about the man who is supposed to be the love of your life here, I can't imagine how well you communicate IRL. See the bolded statement above. The problem is that often when people think they are communicating, they are talking at each other and treating each other as less than equal. you can't 'teach' him if you are talking down to him. He's going to tune you out. You have to get him to understand that much of what's going on is about your relationship. fix that first.0 -
OP, no matter how much you love your husband, and it hurts to see that he doesn't want to change... you can't change him. He's going to want to do it for himself.
That's what was happening in my home... me, reminding my love everyday what the doctor had said what he had to do so his daily stomach pains would stop. But he wouldn't listen to me... always finding some kind of excuse. Until one day I told him, "I'm not your mom and if you want to keep suffering, then be my guest." It hurts, especially seeing in how much pain he was every night... but it was up to him to change. And mind you, the very day he saw the doctor he made the statement, "We have to change how we eat and stop drinking." And we both agreed to it... but he didn't go thru with it. Until one day, I guess he couldn't take the pain anymore, he finally did the change he had agreed to a lot of months ago.
You can remind your husband every once in a while what the doctor said, but in the end it's up to him to change... you just have to have patience and wait. Because even if you succeeded in not having all the stuff he can't eat out of the house, he can still go to the store and buy whatever he wants and eat it. You can't chain him to the bed or take his all his money away, you know what I mean? I hope everything works out for you and your husband. :flowerforyou:0 -
mamapeach910 wrote: »APeacefulWarrior wrote: »I'm sensing the overall feeling is put up and shut up until the EMT's come to pick one of us up. (I know there are a couple people who have a better understanding of why I'm so upset - I realize that doesn't represent you)
So essentially, if you witnessed your spouse or significant other downing a bottle of poison, you'd just sit back ( or join them) and say "hey, he (or she) is an adult and if they want to finish off that poison, well then, that's their right."? That doesn't seem very loving, concerned or compassionate, but maybe that's where we are as a society... accepting and then sticking your head in the sand to ignore seems to be the expectation. Not sure I can be on board with that, but I think that's what he expects of me too.
I understand perfectly. It's not like he's single. What he does affects your life very heavily as well as his own, and that matters. A marriage involves commitment, responsibility, and sometimes compromise, it does not mean going "lalalala i will do whatever i want regardless of the consequences because i am over 21 years old." When a person gets married, they supposedly accept the responsibility that their behavior greatly affects their spouse and that therefore they may have to make some compromises so as not to make that person's life miserable. You are accepting YOUR spousal responsibility in supporting him and trying to help him stick to the plans his doctor(s) laid out for him. Now he needs to accept his. Does he think you deserve to have to watch him die, and basically make yourself over into a home health nurse, for something he could easily avoid?
Which is why they need to learn to communicate about the whole issue, not control each other or passively let each other do whatever, as so many have suggested. She can't control him by 'throwing everything out', or just let him blithely do whatever he wants. They need to sit down and discuss the situation rationally. Communication in any relationship is definitely the most important aspect.
Yes, this is a marriage issue primarily. I mean, they had that rational discussion, and he went out and did something directly contradicting what they agreed to. That's not passive aggressive, that's just plain aggressive. I think counseling is in order. If they figure that part out, helping each other eat to plan is easy.
You're not married, are you?
Counseling, over something going differently than hoped after just one discussion?
Counseling sounds like trying to force things to go "your way", more than a concern for the husband's health.
Yes, I am married. If you approach counseling as one person 'winning' then no, it won't work. Done correctly it is a great way to facilitate communication when both sides feel as if they aren't being heard, which is the case here.0 -
Ha sounds like my husband. He use to eat cookies & candy everyday so eating it every other day is his idea of healthier and more sensibly. To make matters worse, he's diabetic. I just tell him "don't expect me to wheel your butt around when your legs fall off". He tells me it will help my upper body development if I do. One needs to keep a sense of humor in a marriage.
This is how my DH and I are, also. There's only so much I can control about how he lives (and vice-versa), but we can both control how we react to it - and a wicked sense of humor makes it so much more fun!0 -
APeacefulWarrior wrote: »I'm sensing the overall feeling is put up and shut up until the EMT's come to pick one of us up. (I know there are a couple people who have a better understanding of why I'm so upset - I realize that doesn't represent you)
So essentially, if you witnessed your spouse or significant other downing a bottle of poison, you'd just sit back ( or join them) and say "hey, he (or she) is an adult and if they want to finish off that poison, well then, that's their right."? That doesn't seem very loving, concerned or compassionate, but maybe that's where we are as a society... accepting and then sticking your head in the sand to ignore seems to be the expectation. Not sure I can be on board with that, but I think that's what he expects of me too.
If I witnessed my SO drinking a bottle of poison I would call 911, take it away if I could and use the law to put them on suicide watch. If they were determined to kill themselves I ultimately could do nothing to prevent them.
You have a right to feel however you like about his food choices and a right to communicate those concerns. Ultimately though, you have no power to control his food. Unlike your poison analogy, there is no legal action you can take to force him not to eat oreos. It doesn't matter if you are right and he is wrong. He is an adult who is legally allowed to eat whatever foods he likes. If he chooses to disregard your concerns you have 3 choices. 1. Drive him mad with nagging that won't work anyway and be miserable anf angry about your inability to exert control over him. 2. Accepting you have no power to change him, role model healthy behavior in hopes he will change himself but accept it. 3. Leave him. If something really is a deal breaker no one is forcing you to stay in a relationship or provide him medical care in the future. Those are your only choices. You are picking #1 right now. You *want* a choice 4, some magical combination of either verbal or physical action taken by you that will change the man you are with into the man you want to be with. That just isn't realistic. That kind of transformation has to be come from him. He has to want it.0 -
APeacefulWarrior wrote: »I'm sensing the overall feeling is put up and shut up until the EMT's come to pick one of us up. (I know there are a couple people who have a better understanding of why I'm so upset - I realize that doesn't represent you)
So essentially, if you witnessed your spouse or significant other downing a bottle of poison, you'd just sit back ( or join them) and say "hey, he (or she) is an adult and if they want to finish off that poison, well then, that's their right."? That doesn't seem very loving, concerned or compassionate, but maybe that's where we are as a society... accepting and then sticking your head in the sand to ignore seems to be the expectation. Not sure I can be on board with that, but I think that's what he expects of me too.
If I witnessed my SO drinking a bottle of poison I would call 911, take it away if I could and use the law to put them on suicide watch. If they were determined to kill themselves I ultimately could do nothing to prevent them.
You have a right to feel however you like about his food choices and a right to communicate those concerns. Ultimately though, you have no power to control his food. Unlike your poison analogy, there is no legal action you can take to force him not to eat oreos. It doesn't matter if you are right and he is wrong. He is an adult who is legally allowed to eat whatever foods he likes. If he chooses to disregard your concerns you have 3 choices. 1. Drive him mad with nagging that won't work anyway and be miserable anf angry about your inability to exert control over him. 2. Accepting you have no power to change him, role model healthy behavior in hopes he will change himself but accept it. 3. Leave him. If something really is a deal breaker no one is forcing you to stay in a relationship or provide him medical care in the future. Those are your only choices. You are picking #1 right now. You *want* a choice 4, some magical combination of either verbal or physical action taken by you that will change the man you are with into the man you want to be with. That just isn't realistic. That kind of transformation has to be come from him. He has to want it.
5. use communication to fix the relationship first, then communicate effectively about the eating and healthy lifestyle changes they want to make together.0 -
I'd be ecstatic. lol. I love Reese's cereal.0
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Not everyone's relationship dynamic is the same. Think about the couples you might know where one is more dominant and the other of the pair more submissive and it works. I'm not talking 50 shades of grey stuff here people. My grandparents were like that and open, honest communication would make them laugh. Their marriage worked for them.
Yes, ultimately OP's husband decides what goes in his body. But when I put myself in her shoes I'd be damned if I let the father of my children think he could endanger his health that way. None of us are getting out of here alive, but I need him to be around for a long time. I would nag, cajole, bribe, do whatever I needed to do light a weight loss fire under his *kitten*.0
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