"Asking if I've lost weight isn't a compliment"
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christinev297 wrote: »Alyssa_Is_LosingIt wrote: »This thread is going places.
Not necessarily good places, but definitely places.
Detroit?
Australia
Where we say's it as we see's it 
:flowerforyou:
Just so long as it takes a detour to that bar in Pricilla....
:laugh:
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The writer is waaaaaaay overthinking the issue. "Have you lost weight" is just an observation (unless they're being sarcastic). At my heaviest, I'd get asked every now and then by people I hadn't seen in a while if I had lost weight. I hadn't, though they insisted that I had, but it was nice, for me, to think that for whatever reason, I didn't look like a big fat pig that day, or at least, as much of a big fat pig as usual. It was GOOD for my self image. If the writer has such a problem with her weight that even compliments sound like insults, then that is HER problem. She is devaluing HERSELF because of her weight and projecting her negativity onto other people. She either needs to get over it if she doesn't want to do anything about it, or she needs to pop on over to MFP and start herself a profile.0
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PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »The writer is waaaaaaay overthinking the issue. "Have you lost weight" is just an observation (unless they're being sarcastic). At my heaviest, I'd get asked every now and then by people I hadn't seen in a while if I had lost weight. I hadn't, though they insisted that I had, but it was nice, for me, to think that for whatever reason, I didn't look like a big fat pig that day, or at least, as much of a big fat pig as usual. It was GOOD for my self image. If the writer has such a problem with her weight that even compliments sound like insults, then that is HER problem. She is devaluing HERSELF because of her weight and projecting her negativity onto other people. She either needs to get over it if she doesn't want to do anything about it, or she needs to pop on over to MFP and start herself a profile.
I'll cosign this. And awesome new avi pic, btw.0 -
afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »For those bringing up HAES and taking issue with it:
1. HAES, at its simplest, is about choosing to eat better, exercise, and do things that are good for you regardless of what you weigh. The basic idea is that you can do things to take care of yourself even if weight loss seems impossible or undesirable for some reason; it says that your body deserves respect and that you are worth taking care of even if you can't seem to get to where the BMI chart states you should be. It says that your worth and dignity as a human being are not tied to your size. It says that you have a right to compassionate, competent medical care whether you choose to lose weight or not. What leads to less disease? 300 pounds and sedentary or 300 pounds and active? 250 pounds and maintaining that weight with donuts and cheeseburgers or 250 pounds and maintaining that weight with fresh fruits and veggies, whole grains, healthy fats, and lean proteins? It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
Maybe some people think of it differently, and I could see where that invites some criticism, but the basic concept and message is not hard to understand. Some people feel that their weight is an insurmountable obstacle and prescribing weight loss over and over to them isn't going to change that or do anything to help their physical and mental health where it is right then and there. Some people have lost and regained hundreds of pounds over and over. At a certain point, isn't it possible that it might be more beneficial for them to maintain a bigger body, eat healthier foods, and make activity a regular part of life instead of continuing to yo-yo? Chances are that better food choices and more activity will lead to at least some modest weight loss as a side effect. Is it better to lose 25 pounds permanently through a few small changes and still be obese or to feel like unless you can get into the normal weight category, there's no point in bothering with anything?
HAES says that there is still some hope and that you absolutely can do things that are good for your body and mental health (don't forget that health can be a bigger concept than just the physical idea) at any size. In a way, you could consider it harm reduction - like needle exchange programs or methadone clinics or lower risk tobacco products such as e-cigs or Swedish snus.
2. Other people being fat or choosing not to pursue physical fitness does not in any way take away from your accomplishments or fitness. I realize that is not what was stated, but I feel like it's important to point that out.
I have yet to run across a HAES blogger who puts it like that. Most seem to interpret it as "Doctors should never discuss weight with patients," as exemplified by that stupid card that ends up posted in every HAES thread. I agree that the overall quality of health care should not be less simply because a person is obese; however I think a physician is certainly within their right to deny someone certain procedures until they get their weight under control. Why put a new set of knees in a morbidly obese 30-year-old when they're going to continue to abuse their body, have a greater chance of complications such as deep vein thrombosis, and may well be among the 2% who see failure within 5 years? Is it really compassionate to put someone's body through surgery when they have a greater risk of these complications?
-Sent from my Blackberry in a Detroit Waffle House bathroom
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The part that really annoyed me about that article was the whole facebook debate. My word what did you get out of making that person feel like **** when they were genuinely trying to compliment you. And then going for the sympathy vote for being ill with which that person has no responsibility of you having it. The comment made on the weight loss had no reference to her illness and they twisted and turned it in to a stupid debate just so their high horses could get a little higher. And then to say that they won the debate with "triumph" just shows how intentionally negative thier approach was and how perposfully they attacked and ridiculed the person. (I bet that person was just so lost and confused).
There are a million ways to reject or let someone know that you don't appreciate what they are saying to you. If you're such a righteous person why not choose the humble way rather than being all offensive about it.
For example some people think that just because I'm a loud and an open person(who's trying to do something about my weight) that they can call me "fatty". According to them they're joking or showing affection (errr what?). I mainly just ignore them. "Ignorance is bliss". So I leave them be. Inside my head I'm thinking yes I might be fat but it's easily changeable unlike someones attitude, mind or heart.
And this is coming from a person who can and would argue like there's no tomorrow. ☺️
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My favorite compliment.0
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It feels like sometimes people want everyone to just sit still and if you do engage in conversation don't discuss anything other than the weather or other neutral topics.
Because heaven forbide you touch on a unpleasant or embarrassing topic.
People say that asking about weight etc shows poor social skills, seems like not being able to handle a touchy subject is the real lack of social skills.
I imagine for most people losing weight is a positive thing, they aimed to lose weight, get healthier and if they achieve it then why can't people compliment them.
Should we eliminate entire topics from discussion just because some people may have lost weight for bad reasons like illness?
If that's the case we can't talk about people's children since they might be sick, we can't talk about their friends or family in case one is sick or dying, don't even ask about sports in case their team lost on the weekend. Don't ask how they are going even if they look sad or depressed cause you might get a bad response or rub salt in a wound. Don't congratulate someone for getting a first aid certificate in case they don't renew it when it expires.
So are people too sensitive? Assuming the worst of people, thinking compliments are backhanded insults?
Most of us have eyes, are very visual so why is physical appearance such a sore area. What will you notice first, a new hair cut, losing 20kg or a change to your personality or intellect? Got to start the conversation somewhere?
Wonder how much flack I'll get for this.0 -
I know we're 4 pages into this already, but this over-sensitivity regarding something someone most likely meant as a compliment kind of irks me. I've heard this from random people who I don't know (customers, neighbors, etc.), people I know casually (coworkers), and friends and family. In none of these contexts did I think the comment/question was inappropriate or rude.
You better believe I'll take it as a compliment. I've worked my butt off in the gym on days when I felt like curling up and taking a nap. I've gone hungry because I knew a snack wouldn't fit into my calories. I've tracked calories, fat, sugar, and have tried almost every fad diet in the book. So YES, by all means - NOTICE THAT I'VE BEEN DOING SOMETHING.
I realize the author wasn't really trying to lose weight, and therefore, this might not mean the same to them, but it's still a remark intended on showing that person that "Hey, I can really tell that you're putting effort into trying to improve yourself." If they were trying to insult, there are a lot of other things they could've said. I've heard just about all of them.
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Ha. I just googled the writer and found her website. "WRITER | SINGER | FAT LADY" Size is unimportant, yet she identifies as a fat lady to the public. Seems a little wishy-washy.0
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Op are you going to "discuss" ?
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MoiAussi93 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »
I think if people are offended by it then they need to get over themselves as they are the ones who are encouraging all this crap in our lives where no one can say anything to anybody for fear of "offending" someone...even Merry Christmas is scrutinized now...happy holidays my butt.
Grrrrrrrrr the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up! It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
Agreed! I say Merry Christmas. And I send Christmas cards, not "happy holidays"...even to friends who aren't religious or are non-Christian religions...because Christmas is also a secular holiday...not just a religious one. Well adjusted people don't get offended by things like that...they take it as the expression of goodwill it was intended as.
As a jew, it's tough to be in the minority during December. While I don't get offended if someone wishes me a Merry christmas (as my students do it all the time, LOL!), there is nothing about christmas (to non-christians) that marks it as a secular holiday. it is a religious holiday -- whether christians celebrate it that way or not. I have a fun christmas day with my husband at the movies -- but we don't celebrate it as a "merry christmas"....I'm sorry "happy holidays" gets your hackles up, but sometimes it's important to remember that not everyone is christian.
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ManiacalLaugh wrote: »In none of these contexts did I think the comment/question was inappropriate or rude.
I had a few comments that sounded like insult/rude but were compliments and I took them that way.
Had a co worker say I had lost a "poo" tonne of weight. If I went by that article in the op that would likely be seen as an insult and wrong to say. I took it as a compliment cause I had lost a lot of weight.
My brother said I looked like a prisoner of war cause I had lost a lot of weight. Again could be seen as an insult but I took it as the compliment it was meant as.
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eileensofianmushinfine wrote: »MoiAussi93 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »
I think if people are offended by it then they need to get over themselves as they are the ones who are encouraging all this crap in our lives where no one can say anything to anybody for fear of "offending" someone...even Merry Christmas is scrutinized now...happy holidays my butt.
Grrrrrrrrr the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up! It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
Agreed! I say Merry Christmas. And I send Christmas cards, not "happy holidays"...even to friends who aren't religious or are non-Christian religions...because Christmas is also a secular holiday...not just a religious one. Well adjusted people don't get offended by things like that...they take it as the expression of goodwill it was intended as.
As a jew, it's tough to be in the minority during December. While I don't get offended if someone wishes me a Merry christmas (as my students do it all the time, LOL!), there is nothing about christmas (to non-christians) that marks it as a secular holiday. it is a religious holiday -- whether christians celebrate it that way or not. I have a fun christmas day with my husband at the movies -- but we don't celebrate it as a "merry christmas"....I'm sorry "happy holidays" gets your hackles up, but sometimes it's important to remember that not everyone is christian.
I never understood this issue. It's merry Christmas, like saying good morning or have a good day.
Like if I say merry Christmas all I'm saying is have a merry Christmas as in a happy December 25th. Just like any other religion or country saying happy what ever.
Should I get offended if a Chinese coworker say happy New Years weeks after December 31/January 1st?
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eileensofianmushinfine wrote: »MoiAussi93 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »
I think if people are offended by it then they need to get over themselves as they are the ones who are encouraging all this crap in our lives where no one can say anything to anybody for fear of "offending" someone...even Merry Christmas is scrutinized now...happy holidays my butt.
Grrrrrrrrr the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up! It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
Agreed! I say Merry Christmas. And I send Christmas cards, not "happy holidays"...even to friends who aren't religious or are non-Christian religions...because Christmas is also a secular holiday...not just a religious one. Well adjusted people don't get offended by things like that...they take it as the expression of goodwill it was intended as.
As a jew, it's tough to be in the minority during December. While I don't get offended if someone wishes me a Merry christmas (as my students do it all the time, LOL!), there is nothing about christmas (to non-christians) that marks it as a secular holiday. it is a religious holiday -- whether christians celebrate it that way or not. I have a fun christmas day with my husband at the movies -- but we don't celebrate it as a "merry christmas"....I'm sorry "happy holidays" gets your hackles up, but sometimes it's important to remember that not everyone is christian.
I never understood this issue. It's merry Christmas, like saying good morning or have a good day.
Like if I say merry Christmas all I'm saying is have a merry Christmas as in a happy December 25th. Just like any other religion or country saying happy what ever.
Should I get offended if a Chinese coworker say happy New Years weeks after December 31/January 1st?
I'm the biggest athiest you'll meet and still celebrate 'Christmas' as a time to be with family, give presents and eat food. I find the argument that it is a purely christian holiday completely at odds with the commerciality of it, and the fact that my secular government forces me to take a day off work for it!
It's kind of like the fact that I accept that it is 2015. The year is a purely christian construct, but has become so pervasive and a part of my society that to reject it because I'm not christian would actually seem illogical.0 -
I didn't mind when someone asked if I had lost weight but when a particular person would mention EVERY TIME I saw her, it did get old. Like, yes, I've lost weight I look much better than before let's move on! In the article, however, the author seems to be saying she hasn't lost weight and that people make that comment as a way of saying she looks nice, which is different than noticing someone who genuinely looks thinner and healthier. Right now I'm pregnant and any and every comment about how I look is annoying to me whether it be a compliment or the dumbass woman at target who asked if I was having twins.0
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eileensofianmushinfine wrote: »MoiAussi93 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »
I think if people are offended by it then they need to get over themselves as they are the ones who are encouraging all this crap in our lives where no one can say anything to anybody for fear of "offending" someone...even Merry Christmas is scrutinized now...happy holidays my butt.
Grrrrrrrrr the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up! It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
Agreed! I say Merry Christmas. And I send Christmas cards, not "happy holidays"...even to friends who aren't religious or are non-Christian religions...because Christmas is also a secular holiday...not just a religious one. Well adjusted people don't get offended by things like that...they take it as the expression of goodwill it was intended as.
As a jew, it's tough to be in the minority during December. While I don't get offended if someone wishes me a Merry christmas (as my students do it all the time, LOL!), there is nothing about christmas (to non-christians) that marks it as a secular holiday. it is a religious holiday -- whether christians celebrate it that way or not. I have a fun christmas day with my husband at the movies -- but we don't celebrate it as a "merry christmas"....I'm sorry "happy holidays" gets your hackles up, but sometimes it's important to remember that not everyone is christian.
I never understood this issue. It's merry Christmas, like saying good morning or have a good day.
Like if I say merry Christmas all I'm saying is have a merry Christmas as in a happy December 25th. Just like any other religion or country saying happy what ever.
Should I get offended if a Chinese coworker say happy New Years weeks after December 31/January 1st?
As a pagan, it angers me that the Christians have hijacked our Winter Solstice celebration by calling "Christmas". We had it first, and you should all be wishing each other a happy solstice!
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I think people should just accept compliments, even if they aren't packaged to your liking. You don't have to agree with it. You don't have to read into it. You don't even have to answer the question if they ask "have you lost weight" Just - aww thanks.0
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Me thinks that if a person chooses to eat better, exercise, and do things that are good for themselves, they'd end up losing weight. QED.afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »HAES, at its simplest, is about choosing to eat better, exercise, and do things that are good for you regardless of what you weigh.0 -
Hadabetter wrote: »eileensofianmushinfine wrote: »MoiAussi93 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »
I think if people are offended by it then they need to get over themselves as they are the ones who are encouraging all this crap in our lives where no one can say anything to anybody for fear of "offending" someone...even Merry Christmas is scrutinized now...happy holidays my butt.
Grrrrrrrrr the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up! It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
Agreed! I say Merry Christmas. And I send Christmas cards, not "happy holidays"...even to friends who aren't religious or are non-Christian religions...because Christmas is also a secular holiday...not just a religious one. Well adjusted people don't get offended by things like that...they take it as the expression of goodwill it was intended as.
As a jew, it's tough to be in the minority during December. While I don't get offended if someone wishes me a Merry christmas (as my students do it all the time, LOL!), there is nothing about christmas (to non-christians) that marks it as a secular holiday. it is a religious holiday -- whether christians celebrate it that way or not. I have a fun christmas day with my husband at the movies -- but we don't celebrate it as a "merry christmas"....I'm sorry "happy holidays" gets your hackles up, but sometimes it's important to remember that not everyone is christian.
I never understood this issue. It's merry Christmas, like saying good morning or have a good day.
Like if I say merry Christmas all I'm saying is have a merry Christmas as in a happy December 25th. Just like any other religion or country saying happy what ever.
Should I get offended if a Chinese coworker say happy New Years weeks after December 31/January 1st?
As a pagan, it angers me that the Christians have hijacked our Winter Solstice celebration by calling "Christmas". We had it first, and you should all be wishing each other a happy solstice!
No one is stoping you from saying happy solstice.
That's what I don't get, as far as I am aware no one is forced to celebrate Christmas or say merry Christmas. Your generally free to say happy what ever you like.
There is a bit of PC going on with the dates. Is it 500 bc? Or 500 bce?
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Alyssa_Is_LosingIt wrote: »This thread is going places.
Not necessarily good places, but definitely places.
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I love when people ask me this. It gives me a chance to say "Hell yeah I have! Look at my butt!"0
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I personally don't care what anyone calls the holiday, as long as they're giving me something yummy to nosh on.0
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I tend to see there's fat acceptance, which is fine, and then there is HAES, which isn't. HAES doesn't just tend to encourage you do things at any size, I've seen most of them claim the size and weight doesn't matter. If it was Healthier At Every Size, I could see it, but that's not the name - it is Healthy At Every Size, which isn't something true. You can always get healthier at a size, but there are weights that are just unhealthy, even if you're active at the level of a professional athlete - research on Sumo wrestlers and NFL linemen confirm this.afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »For those bringing up HAES and taking issue with it:
1. HAES, at its simplest, is about choosing to eat better, exercise, and do things that are good for you regardless of what you weigh.0 -
Actually, in the article, she said she prefers being called fat to overweight.PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »Ha. I just googled the writer and found her website. "WRITER | SINGER | FAT LADY" Size is unimportant, yet she identifies as a fat lady to the public. Seems a little wishy-washy.0 -
I want to know when hurting someone's feelings became such a crime. I mean who wants to tiptoe around all the elephants in the room. I can't say you're fat, or skinny, or average. I can't acknowledge race or religion, age....that's a bomb! I can't assign a sex because what ridiculous person would do that. All this to make the minority feel better. Well, if you choose to be in a minority for whatever cause, shouldn't that come with some expectation that life might be a bit rougher on you? Maybe being in the minority is not for the faint of heart. Maybe more of us should have a bit stronger backbone and not worry so much about offending people. I worked for 13 years in a career field dominated by men. You can believe I caught flak, almost daily. But I didn't go whine to my boss, I just put my head down and kept to my work, eventually my performance spoke for itself and people had to quit talking cuz there was nothing to be said. I'm not saying we all go out and be thoughtlessly rude, there is something to be said for tact, but loosen up, if someone says something mean, sulk about if you need to,cry, lick your emotional wound and then move on.0
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I read the article and I agree with the basic premise- women especially need to stop equating size with self worth. I have a person close to me with and eating disorder. I also work in a jr/sr high school and believe me, eating disorders are more common than you think. I have also known people who have lost weight due to depression. It's kind of awkward when people compliment you on weight loss that you didn't mean to lose or didn't lose in a healthy way.
As for me, I generally don't mind if people who know me well and know I've been trying to eat healthy and lose weight if I have lost- it's nice that they notice my efforts. On the other hand if it's someone I don't know well and they start asking personal questions like - so how much do you weigh now? Or how much have you lost? That's really none of their business and makes me a bit uncomfortable.0 -
I don't mind in the least if someone asks if I've lost weight. I have no issue saying what I weight or how old I am either. What's the big deal? I don't understand why people get so upset over what is very likely meant as a compliment to your hard work.0
This discussion has been closed.
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