"Asking if I've lost weight isn't a compliment"

ncboiler89 wrote: »

Alatariel75 wrote: »

barbecuesauce wrote: »

MKEgal wrote: »

christinev297 wrote:

the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one

Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
If I'm unsure, they get a generic "happy holidays" because there are many happening in a short time period,
so pick your favorite and assume I'm talking about that.

The one I have trouble with is people wishing me a happy mother's day.
First, from a stranger you're just assuming that since I look middle-aged I must have a child.
Second, that stranger is assuming that my relationship with the child they can't be sure I have is a happy one.
I've learned not to break into tears in front of people, but it still hurts. They mean well, but it hurts.

Same. I don't want to talk about why I hate this personally, but it's a hard day for many women. And it's a weird thing to presume, that someone must have a child because she's a female in her late 20s and above. Just don't do this.

I do not get why anyone would wish anyone they do not have a maternal connection to a happy mothers day.

You think too hard about this

Some people just without thinking wish people a happy whatever holiday it is. It's something I wouldn't do but, again, wouldn't hold against anyone who meant well.

Waaaa someone complimented me, waaaaaa I'm entitled to be insulated from the observations of other people, waaaaaaaaa... I didn't even read the article but that's my official response to it.

Cranquistador wrote: »

Ready2Rock206 wrote: »

Discussing my weight at all is not acceptable. It is a horribly rude topic and I'd rather be punched in the face then discuss my weight with random people with no social skills who think it is an acceptable topic.

*than

Otherwise you are saying that first you would like to be punched in the face

Thennnn discuss your weight.

Maybe it would be a good distraction from the upcoming weight talk?

ImpracticalGirl wrote: »

afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »

HAES, at its simplest, is about choosing to eat better, exercise, and do things that are good for you regardless of what you weigh.

Me thinks that if a person chooses to eat better, exercise, and do things that are good for themselves, they'd end up losing weight. QED.

What if they don't weigh their food?!?

barbecuesauce wrote: »

Alatariel75 wrote: »

barbecuesauce wrote: »

salembambi wrote: »

I remember last Christmas when i showed up to Family Christmas crap after losing about 150 pounds ........not a single person said a damn thing about it or complimented or anything...they had not seen me in a year ......

i was like wtf is happening...

That's actually batsh%t crazy. 150 pounds is enough to render some people unrecognizable, and is certainly not easily ignored. I'd break my own rule of not making unsolicited remarks on others' bodies for that kind of loss.

Yup, especially with family.

Thinking a little more about it, it actually reminds me of a cousin of mine who had two breast implant surgeries in a year (surgeons don't perform massive increases at once, I think). Only the twentysomething cousins knew she'd had them, none of the "grownups." When she showed up, absolutely nothing was said. (There was no missing the change--she went from mosquito bites to looking like she had been drawn by a 13-year-old boy.) But I was hanging out with all of the elderly relatives and they would start up as soon as she left the room. At one point, she must have known she was being discussed or something because she came back in. Topic changed. She leaves. Back on her enhancement. This repeated a couple of times.

It's a weird dynamic in both cases but I guess that's family for you.

I don't know, complimenting/commenting on your cousin or neices breast is a bit different then weight loss

"Hey cousin, nice boobs" seems a little creepy for anyone outside Tasmania and swampy areas.

salembambi wrote: »

I remember last Christmas when i showed up to Family Christmas crap after losing about 150 pounds ........not a single person said a damn thing about it or complimented or anything...they had not seen me in a year ......

i was like wtf is happening...

What!! Wow! I would be the same way ... confused and angry lol.

christinev297 wrote: »

SezxyStef wrote: »

I think if people are offended by it then they need to get over themselves as they are the ones who are encouraging all this crap in our lives where no one can say anything to anybody for fear of "offending" someone...even Merry Christmas is scrutinized now...happy holidays my butt.

Grrrrrrrrr the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up! It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one

I...don't celebrate Christmas.

minties82 wrote: »

If losing weight didnt make us look/feel/live better then we wouldn't do it. Why on earth someone pointing out that you look better would be taken as an insult, I do not know...

I think the argument being made by the blogger is that looking good/better is an artificial social construct that is unfair to those who don't fit the arbitrary criteria.

I could see how someone could argue the above. (However I would argue that the above is irrelevant and the unfair part would be treating people differently based on looks alone.)

I'm not sure how anyone can possibly argue that being healthier is not better, or that quality of life (even if you lived on a deserted island with nobody to judge your weight) would not be better at a more "ideal" weight compared to being significantly overfat.

LiftAllThePizzas wrote: »

minties82 wrote: »

If losing weight didnt make us look/feel/live better then we wouldn't do it. Why on earth someone pointing out that you look better would be taken as an insult, I do not know...

I think the argument being made by the blogger is that looking good/better is an artificial social construct that is unfair to those who don't fit the arbitrary criteria.

I could see how someone could argue the above. (However I would argue that the above is irrelevant and the unfair part would be treating people differently based on looks alone.)

I'm not sure how anyone can possibly argue that being healthier is not better, or that quality of life (even if you lived on a deserted island with nobody to judge your weight) would not be better at a more "ideal" weight compared to being significantly overfat.

What I kind of took from it is that she's arguing that saying "you look good, did you lose weight?" is like asking "you look good, did you get work done?" i.e. inferring that the only way that person could have improved their looks is to have lost weight (not that maybe they're wearing something flattering, took extra care on their makeup, etc.)

Alatariel75 wrote: »

LiftAllThePizzas wrote: »

minties82 wrote: »

If losing weight didnt make us look/feel/live better then we wouldn't do it. Why on earth someone pointing out that you look better would be taken as an insult, I do not know...

I think the argument being made by the blogger is that looking good/better is an artificial social construct that is unfair to those who don't fit the arbitrary criteria.

I could see how someone could argue the above. (However I would argue that the above is irrelevant and the unfair part would be treating people differently based on looks alone.)

I'm not sure how anyone can possibly argue that being healthier is not better, or that quality of life (even if you lived on a deserted island with nobody to judge your weight) would not be better at a more "ideal" weight compared to being significantly overfat.

What I kind of took from it is that she's arguing that saying "you look good, did you lose weight?" is like asking "you look good, did you get work done?" i.e. inferring that the only way that person could have improved their looks is to have lost weight (not that maybe they're wearing something flattering, took extra care on their makeup, etc.)

Right. But what "looks good" is an opinion and a function of personal preference.

Being offended that someone thinks "x looks better than y" still attaches a value judgment to "looking good" which is the very thing she's complaining about.

Best I can tell her proposed solution is to attempt to redefine everyone else's tastes by yelling at them.

Spreyton22K wrote: »

I honestly believe that the sentiments expressed in the article are reflecting modern day attitudes that have changed over time.

I'm 52......I grew up in Australia, back in my younger days, it WAS common practice for every man and his dog to make comments about weight/appearance.....looking hotter/not so hot/have YOU lost weight or the other have you GAINED..... whatever.

It was an expected part of the culture and in the most part never meant to be rude or provocative except of course if you knew my Mother (then the spite was real).

Nowadays we have so much more awareness and organised movements for Body Positivity, Health at Every Size etc etc......which in general is empowering and positive, although I do not believe that obesity can be healthy, despite perfect blood work, Bp's etc etc there is just too much science-based evidence to confirm that obesity will impact negatively upon your life and lifespan. There I have said it - Shoot me down if you want.

I have to agree with Peachy - before we get our panties in a twist over such comments, we should take time to:

Look at the age/generation the person came from.
Are they being genuine or is it a back-handed comment meant to make you feel uncomfortable.
Be aware of cultural influences as well....not all Cultures as as A'hem 'polite' or shy expressing their thoughts.
It could be that you are just looking extra fab in your outfit of the day and weight is the 1st thing that comes to mind.
Or.....maybe they are just socially inept and doing the best they can.

We are ALL so diverse, what someone else craves and would find inspiring (those that have said they were thrilled when someone noticed and commented on their loss) others find insulting and intrusive.

@Spreyton22K, That's really interesting!

I've met quite a few Aussies born in that generation and they've always been very polite, if not though, quite straight forward in their opinions and viewpoints without being incredibly rude (like my gen Y batch who can be very rude, but very PC or very detached, not particularly polite but VERY non-PC).

I actually do enjoy speaking to them because it's quite refreshing to have someone speak their mind. These days we've lost the ability to agree to disagree. Freedom of speech also means letting someone air their view even if its stupid/silly/offensive so long as its not say for example a call to arms or spewing absolute hatred with violence as an intention - some might even argue that is also ok in a way so long as that person takes accountability for the consequences that come AFTER they have spewed that hatred because you can't punish someone for thinking something if they haven't committed it (aka minority report).

What you've described is VERY COMMON in Asian communities where EVERYTHING is up for commentary. This is not limited to family. Even strangers, friends. But the closer the familial relation the more barbs you get.

Its really common to meet a relative after a while and them saying things like "OMG LOOK AT YOU, YOU HAVE GROWN *SO FAT* HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FIND A HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND!!" and later in the day they are putting food in your bowl telling you to eat more. Moms would say the above, and then maybe go as far as to take the rice bowl away from you saying "Oh that's enough, you will get fat!"

Its not usually meant as a put down (maybe except green-eyed relatives) and they usually mean it in a very pragmatic way...but it really gets to the young Asians who are either brought up in the West or brought up in a Westernised manner.

"A few years ago, I finally stopped worrying about the kilos and focused on just being happy and healthy. I don't know what I weigh anymore, but I do know what I'm worth."


Oh come on, you can't be healthy if you are overweight. Does the media have such a negative portrayal on body image? Yes. But that doesn't mean you should rebel by being obese and saying it's fine. It's not. I know. I was obese. I knew it wasn't healthy. It did not make me truly happy, just superficially happy when I'd eat a lot of food. Losing weight has been a lot better for me. It's not easy, but it's the way to go. Fat people need to ease up on the I'm beautiful the way I am mantra. Yes, it's fine to be curvy. But I've seen people with guts that just hang over their pelvis or have clothes that barely fit them and that is not fine. They aren't beautiful, but they can be if they put the time and energy into healthy eating rather than yelling at society to accept their unhealthy lifestyle.

bhawk102 wrote: »

"A few years ago, I finally stopped worrying about the kilos and focused on just being happy and healthy. I don't know what I weigh anymore, but I do know what I'm worth."


Oh come on, you can't be healthy if you are overweight. Does the media have such a negative portrayal on body image? Yes. But that doesn't mean you should rebel by being obese and saying it's fine. It's not. I know. I was obese. I knew it wasn't healthy. It did not make me truly happy, just superficially happy when I'd eat a lot of food. Losing weight has been a lot better for me. It's not easy, but it's the way to go. Fat people need to ease up on the I'm beautiful the way I am mantra. Yes, it's fine to be curvy. But I've seen people with guts that just hang over their pelvis or have clothes that barely fit them and that is not fine. They aren't beautiful, but they can be if they put the time and energy into healthy eating rather than yelling at society to accept their unhealthy lifestyle.

That's true to a large degree I guess.
I notice we tend to gravitate towards either crazy almost ANA obsession or just I love being super obese and I'm still healthy. Both are not healthy. But isn't it always the case with everything. Too much of a "healthy" thing is unhealthy. Too much of an unhealthy thing is also (obviously) unhealthy.

Its about balance. But balance is subjective, and its up to us to find that sweet spot which will work long term and effectively along with the rest of the commitments and everything else in our lives. But that's the hardest part, isn't it.

The biggest thing I get from all of this is that we need to be body positive and work together to encourage one another, provide empathy and support and not cut each other down. Negativity adds (too many) pounds or takes away (too many) pounds on individuals who really need support and understanding.